EM 2012--Day Eight Recap

Day 8: Recap

Record—

Spread: 3-13

Straight up: 4-7-5

I can scarcely describe for you how hilarious it was listening to German broadcasters not allowed to cut to commercial describing torrential rainfall for over an hour. I took meticulous notes and have prepared a rough translation of the highlights:

“Well…it’s still raining…rain falling down from the sky…there’s some lighting as well…that guy seems to be enjoying it…Suppose we’ll cut over to Oliver Kahn will his thoughts on tonight’s historic delay….what?...Kahn’s eating pasta….pasta tastes good…important to get those carbohydrates…still raining…the pitch looks awfully wet…lot of rain coming down….rain falling down from the sky…oh look over there you can see our cameraman Fritz….he’s got his raincoat on….looking good Fritz!....I assure you we’ve put the latest protective plastic over all our cameras….does anyone know what happens if they can’t fit the game in this evening?....nobody does?...oh well…then I guess we’ll just watch the rain some more….rain falling down from the sky….rains a lot in this region I here….lots of lightning too…apparently that’s also common….does anyone know whether the pitch is synthetic? No one does….okay…the rain continues to fall…rain falling down from the sky.”

Fifty plus minutes of this. I imagine the ESPN crew threw back to Michael Ballack in the studio, which I can only assume was equally as comical. German television simply wasn’t prepared. Kahn was eating pasta…far away from that ridiculous island they put him. Eating pasta! “Kahn’s eating pasta!” You can’t make this shit up.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

“Kahn’s eating pasta.” It beats “The Dude abides”. It beats “KAAAAAAAHN”! It beats “Dammit, Janet” and “You better not hurt her, Frankenfurter.” “Kahn’s eating pasta” stands apart.

Instant classic between the Swedes and Limeys this evening. I was all set to rip “the coach who shall not be named” a fresh new one. Then Danny Wellbeck scored the goal of the tournament off one of the cheekiest back heels you’ve ever seen. Three lead changes. Heroics from Olof Mellberg and Theo Walcott. Redemption from Glen Johnson and Andy Carroll. Doesn’t get much better than this, football fans. And we’ve still got more than half a tournament left.

Hot Girl Standings---

Country	Tally	Games Played
Ukraine	64	2
France	28	2
Sweden	27	2
Poland	25	2
Ireland	24	2
Spain	20	2
Russia	17	2
Greece	16	2
Portugal	15	2
Germany	13	2
England	13	2
Croatia	12	2
Italy	11	2
Netherlands	8	2
Denmark	6	2
Czech Republic	5	2

Let’s be candid. The “Wet and Wild Ukrainian Girls” are running away with the title. Don’t ask me why I elected to put that phrase in quotation marks. Don’t ask me about the small business loan application I’m currently filling out either. What a “Spritz-fest”. A bunch of beautiful women taking a shower. It was football porn. They set fire to the rain.

Of course later I was forced to witness all of those crying sweeties. Still can’t take it. Thank heavens there are no women reading this. The pouty face coupled with the waterworks still works on me. Here, you want my car? Take it. Take my cat and left kidney while you’re at it. Just stop crying. The best shot by far came in the 87^th, when we witnessed a despondent yet sturdily responsible Ukrainian fan cradling his faintly smiling, misty-eyed girl. Awwww…I’m just a big softie.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

“Kahn’s eating pasta.”

England fans short-changed as usual by 43,823 shots of Wayne Rooney in the stands. Plenty of wide angle shots of the White Sea as well. Rest assured your friendly bookie was on the case, scouring row-by-row, assessing over a hundred fans in a span lasting less than 2.3 seconds. Such a skill isn’t developed overnight. Only after years of practice can you call yourself an empirical “Stand Scourer”. It’s a bit like speed-reading. Once you get the hang of it, it becomes instinctually automatic.

“Ramble On, Vicey”---

--The first match suspended for weather conditions in European Championship history! Hit the showers. God pisses on the Ukraine…again.

--Enough of this “On the Waterfront” crap featuring Oliver Kahn. I know you could have been a contender, but enough already Oliver! Der Spiegel described the whole sordid spectacle quite aptly. Unfortunately it’s too entendre laden for me to translate accurately. The best I can manage is “An infomercial featuring an annoying pitch women and a guy who rents out chaise lounges on the beach.” Hmmm…talk about “Lost in translation”. That didn’t work at all. Any of my superior translator Kraut friends are welcome to give it a go.

--Loved the Garland of flowers the Ukrainian Ladies were sporting. Some Internet message boards are circulating the rumor that it has something to do with solidarity for Julia Tymoschenko. Don’t believe it for a second…just as I don’t believe she’s been beaten. Don’t get me wrong. Release her at once! Just make her quietly retire, as I don’t want to talk about her anymore.

--Ribery and Tymoshuk shared a tender moment before the official start and in the tunnel during the delay. Hardly surprising as both have played for Bayern for the last three years. Nevertheless, I must broach it as part of my overall emphasis on SPORTSMANSHIP! It’s just a game, people. Any advertising executive who conjures up a slogan to the effect of “more than a game” should be strangled to death with a lamp cord.

--Monsoon conditions. How they got that pitch playable is nothing short of a miracle. Some outdated pieces of street-sweeping apparati they turned the fucking Schlitterbahn into a well-manicured lawn in a matter of minutes. I do believe we have our answer, German broadcasters. The pitch IS synthetic. No way they got natural grass looking that good that quickly.

--“Two tickets to the gun show” MEXES!! No, I don’t care how old that line is getting. Powerful header from the AC Milan center back. Look for him to be a fixture on Les Bleaus for years to come.

--The French obviously worked very hard on the training pitch to shake that coward stigma. Credit Laurent Blanc for another fabulous turnaround. He’s not going anywhere either.

--How the hell did Cabaye hit the post in the 64^th? I’ve watched it four times and still don’t understand the basic physics.

--Yarmolenko took one touch to many for a solid 68 minutes. Don’t think we’ll be seeing him again.

--See Croats. Ukrainian fans GIVE THE BALL BACK. You’ve just been schooled in manners by the Ukrainians. Go home and die.

--Bravo “coach who shall not be named”. The Caroll-Wellbeck 4-4-1-1 was inspired. The Walcott substitution was ingenious, if not overdue. I’ll go ahead and type in your name just this once. Hodgson. Don’t tell anyone.

--“God Save the Queen” already in the 22^nd. Why not? It worked. Carroll tallied in the 23^rd. Best thing her majesty has ever done for the country. Also, the ONLY thing.

--Ibrahimovic, you selfish prick. You had both Elmander and Källström wide open on  respective flanks in the 32^nd. What the serbo-naturalizing fuck are you doing? Your hoggish play has a great deal to do with the loss tonight…and your country’s untimely elimination.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Terrible play from Ibrahimovic. He wasn’t meant to score every goal. Someone should tell him that.

--Poor distribution from Young as well. As enchanted as we are by this Three Lions squad this evening, we must concede that they lack a true midfield general. Gerard is okay, but not spectacular. You Limeys need a “flight director”. You need a Schweine. All the Carrolls, Wellbecks, and Rooneys won’t help you if there’s no one to serve them.

--There we are Carroll. Give the Ref a hug after you blasted him in the shins. Sportsmanship lads. Er…my game is fair play, as clichéd as it rings.

--Brave keeping from Hart in the 40^th. Even braver keeping from Isaakson in the 87^th. Honestly, I could write about this match all night. The best in the tournament thus far. Thank you, St. George. I may have lost a bit of money, but I’m not at all bitter. In fact, I’m in the mood for a half pint of mild and bitter. Rather than write about the match until the sun rises, we might find a way of making this happen.

--Milner can’t replace Lampard. I’ve written it since the very beginning. He’s a defensive midfielder. His crosses are always invariably four yards off the mark give or take. Such continued languid play led to a thirty-minute audition for Theo Walcott, who only needed three to score.  

--Oh Glen Johnson. Not again, mate. Well, at least you skillfully robbed Rasmussen of a sure second in the 55^th. You rescued your country tonight. It would have been curtains were it not for you.

--Terry in the 63^rd. Doesn’t get much closer than that. Watch out. He’s got his mojo back.

--Day 8 in the books and it’s the best thus far. We a’int done yet, syndicate members. Just you wait…..

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Only one more thing to add: “Kahn’s eating pasta.”