EM 2012--Day Nine Recap

Day 9: Recap

Record—

Spread: 3-15

Straight up: 4-9-5

On the eve of the crucial Greek re-vote, The “Piratiko” have improbably muscled their way through to surely set up a Quarterfinal Clash with the Krauts. This takes irony home and fucks it in the ass with a scale model of the ICE. Dzagoev came within millimeters in both halves. Zhirkov, Glushakov, Pavlyuchenko, and Pogrebnyak just couldn’t make it happen. Son long Schwanz Befürworter.

Goodbye Polska. You couldn’t even remotely compete with a Czech side missing captain Thomas Rosicky. After some early chances from Lewandowski, Murawski , Obraniak, and Polanksi the Czechs took control around the 30^th minute and never relinquished. You spent the remaining hour in your defensive third, failing to produce even something that vaguely resembled the second cousin (thrice removed) of a scoring opportunity. An epic belly flop in front of their home fans for the co-hosts. I might have seen a match that was similarly atrociously executed, but it was played by seven-year-olds. Shame, shame, shame.

Overall, two sloppy and choppy matches have us football apologists dusting off the handbook. Ahem. Cough. Wheeze. Let’s see here. How to explain instances in which the beautiful game falls drastically short?

Editor’s retroactive notes:

There’s really no explanation. One can only take it stride and remind oneself that tomorrow will UNQUESTIONABLY be better. Such is life. It gets better before you know it. 

There will always be games like this. Fixtures during which the ball rarely escapes the midfield, chances are at a premium, and even the fouls are hardly worth debating. After spending 180 minutes of my life that I shall never re-acquire watching two teams in white put on a stinker against two teams in red, all I can convey is how pleased I am that this group is finetto. All four teams should have been sent home early.

Neither the Greeks nor the Czechs will escape the quarters. Two talented teams from the “Group of Death” will advance tomorrow, smashing the everlasting hell out of the survivors of the “Group of Life”. Such is the way of world. One toils through all the doubt and tribulation. Finally, after endless struggle, daylight shines through the opaque shadows that hauntingly loomed over your seemingly infinite hours of excruciatingly painful endeavor. Move towards the light and you’ll discover a new world free of fear and the asphyxiating fingers of contriturating doubt. Daylight. Sunshine. A hitherto forgotten perspective that laterally moves one away from the conventional loops of thought. Freedom.

Where was I? Hmmm..ah yes. Freedom. Light. A new dawn replete with gold-paved avenues of previously unconsidered hope. Then a powerful force beyond your control exerts profound abilities you never dreamed existed to decapitate you within a matter of minutes. Welcome to the quarterfinals Czechs and Greeks. You have less than three minutes….  

Editor’s retroactive notes:

I look forward to my next thirty years. Plenty of dark tunnels to come. Even more rays of light. You should look forward to the future too. Bear in mind that your perspective can shift with every passing moment. I would have said that your “paradigm” can shift, but that’s nothing but a bunch of blasé nonsense ; ) 

Hot Girl Standings---

Country	Tally	Games Played
Ukraine	64	2
Poland	51	3 (finished)
Russia	32	3 (finished)
Greece	31	3
France	28	2
Sweden	27	2
Ireland	24	2
Spain	20	2
Portugal	15	2
Germany	13	2
England	13	2
Croatia	12	2
Italy	11	2
Czech Republic	9	3
Netherlands	8	2
Denmark	6	2

A masterstroke from the cameramen. Way to give us the full Polish experience. The girls, the colors, the scarves and the songs. Excellent job with the Ruskies as well. Nothing good about a bittersweet goodbye, but the grips ensured that everyone gets a proper send-off. In my own thickly veiled sardonic way, I attempt to do the same thing. Bravo Polska and Russland. If only your teams were half as amazing as you.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Such a sad vision: Vicey grows old and fat. At a certain point he realizes that the only job he stands a whelk’s chance of landing is that of a cameraman. He brings joy to millions with is shots of hot girls in the stands. Nevertheless, he still goes home to a dark hovel to eat Lean Cuisine and feverishly masturbate all alone…..uh-oh.

Ramble on, Vicey.

--Time travel time:

Initial Group Projection (5/27/2012)

1) Poland

2) Czech Republic

3) Russia

4) Greece

Final Group Projection (6/15/2012)

1) Russia

2) Czech Republic

3) Poland

4) Greece

Actual Group Standings (6/16/2012)

1) Czech Republic

2) Greece

3) Russia

4) Poland

Final Analysis: Nearly every permutation except the right one.

--I once again emphasize that we find ourselves on the eve of critical Greek elections that will re-define Europe. In less than a week, the German Mannschaft will square off against the Greek Pirate Ship in a match that has riots written all over it. I don’t wish to fight anymore Greeks. I’m past the Tina Turner threshold. From the bottom of what passes for my heart, I offer you assurances that the vast majority of Germans do not despise you. Before re-issuing reprints of my thoughts on OUR current dilemma written over the past few weeks, I beseech you to make the right decision tomorrow. Do the right thing for the future we shall share.

From the Preview Section:

Greek electoral constellation got you down? You’re by no means alone. Such high hopes after Papandreou ceded to the technocratic Papademos. Now the antics of Papariga have us almost missing Papakonstantinou. The whole subject elicits plenty of profanity-laced tirades in my household, especially from my aging father (re-christened for the purposes of this riff “Papalardass”).

Speaking of the riff, let’s get off it and talk more earnestly for a second. We’re gonna try this again, Hellenes. This time we need a coalition that will at least in spirit agree to back the agreements signed by the caretaker unity government. With everyone including Merkel striking a more Keynesian tone, there’s every reason to believe that some of the harsher stipulations may be MODESTLY re-negotiated. For instance, Schäuble seems to think we can loosen the rigidity of the debt-to-GDP ratio temporarily. I fear most of the rest of the austerity measures must remain. We’ve already negotiated billions in write-downs and have little room to do anything else. Yes, it’s a painful recession of epic proportions, but don’t kid yourselves. Matters could always be worse. Tsipras’s latest brinkmanship only succeeds in placing the ball back in our court rhetorically. Exit the Eurozone and you will indeed make life much more troublesome for us. If you think it’s worth absolutely destroying yourselves to make a point, consider a self-immolation allegory. Making one’s protest point in such a striking way may garner attention of the more sought-after variety. Guess what? You’re STILL ON FIRE, MOTHERFUCKER!

Unless you’ve been printing Drachmas in secret (actually not a bad idea at all), you’re totally fucked. Think a quarterly GDP drop of 6.8% hurts? Try tripling it. One hundred thousand bankrupt companies? Multiply it by ten. Reduced social services? How about NO social services; a government that delivers you money already rendered worthless before you can make it the market. What remains of your economic infrastructure will be tied up in litigation hell for decades as MNCs seek to collect in Euros. Even the Drachmas you furtively printed will be of no help there. Zero Exports or Imports. Endless lawsuits. Complete economic isolation. A post-apocalyptic landscape where even nutritional needs are hard to come by. Fuck making yogurt, feta, or any other delicacy. Better slaughter that goat now before your neighbor gets his hands on it. DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELVES.

As bad an idea as the Single Currency might have been, as much as you feel your corrupt leaders sold you out, as disingenuously preachy as Germans can be (believe me I know this firsthand) about EVERYTHING that they don’t even remotely understand, we are were we are and must come to grips with reality. Please submit a workable constellation. Not so much for the high-and-mighty jerk-offs who scowl down upon you from their imaginary pedestals. Do it for yourselves. Send this Tsipras cat, who perpetually keeps his foot in his mouth and his head up his ass, packing along with your Neo-Nazi “Golden Dawn” thugs.

According to my, albeit crude, calculations, you came in only 7.37 percent under a potentially workable coalition. Take this away from SYRIZA, KKE, and XA. If you feel so rotten about giving it to ND, PASOK, LAOS, pump it into ANEL, DIMAR, OP, DISY, or EK just to name a few. 7.37 % Say it with me. 7.37 %! 7.37%!!

Yes we can! 7.37%! Yes we can!  

Yes we can! 7.37%! Yes we can!

Yes we can! 7.37%! Yes we can!

WE ARE THE 7.37%!

This is what democracy looks like!

Someone bring me a black armband and a megaphone!

WE ARE THE 7.37%!

From Round One:

Should there be any Grecian contrarians out there, I promise to wire the money you’ve won straight to your escrow account. Bear in mind, however, that I’ll need about 75 percent of money transferred back immediately as I collect interest on the loan I gave you last week. If only I were exaggerating for comedic effect. This is actually how international debt servicing works. Ordinarily, a lending institution such as the IMF or World Bank only takes about half of the new money it’s loaned out back as interest on the loan it doled out last week. Now you see it. Now you don’t. The money flows in and out before you can even so much think about using it. The whole process now only takes a matter of minutes. Now that three of them have joined forces to operate as “The Troika”, they’re even more serious about protecting their interests. On any given day, between two thirds and three fourths of the money wired to Athens, goes straight back into the accounts of the IMF and ECB. Here’s the money we promised. And there goes the d It’s Homer Simpson receiving his heavily docked Santa paycheck at warp speed.

The moral of this whole aside: Please just leave the Greeks alone during our glorious pan-European unity celebration. As I wrote in my preview sections, German banks are by no means blameless for this whole fiasco. I personally do not plan to bitch about the Greeks at all…at least not until June 17^th. Remember that this remains one of the few times when all get together and feel all right. Buy a Greek in your vicinity a drink today. Furthermore, give him/her a chance to nurse the full glass. As tempting as it may be to guzzle most of it yourself, hand them your backwash, and cruelly gloat, “Hehe…..Check it out. I’m the European Financial Stability Mechanism”…it’s not funny.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

For still more retroactive thoughts on the Greek re-vote, visit the Group A Preview Section.

--Smuda didn’t change a damn thing with respect to his starting eleven. As a result, he’ll be changing his address labels soon. Do keep the former SpVgg Greuther-Furth defender in your prayers. Hope he made it home tonight.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Smuda resigned the next day, June 16^th. We wish him well. ;) 

--Watching Lewandowski shoot it over in the 9^th….yeah…one just knew it. Wasn’t Polska’s day.

--On the controversial Karagounis diving call: I realize that most every commentator will disagree with me, but I thought his embellishment of an inadvertent trip deserved a booking. The face he made afterwards was in itself worthy of a yellow. In general I think everyone should carry yellow and red cards in their back packet. “What’s that you said, dude? ‘Santorum has some valid points’? Look, I’m sorry I have to do this, but….

Editor’s retroactive notes:

I think anyone with even the slightest authority should carry a yellow card in their pocket. Think about instances in which your two-bit asshole boss chastises you about something wholly unimportant. If, instead of acting as if they’re something special, they simply flashed a yellow card, wouldn’t you feel better about the entire situation?

--Awesome clearance from Torosidis in the 75^th. Bicycle it on out of there! Almost completed a full bicycle kick myself once. I only missed the ball by a mere two feet before falling flat on my worthless ass via the left shoulder blade.

--Sweet cutback from Zhirkov in the 16^th. Decent one from Pavlyuchenko in the 66^th. Well done from Rosicky replacement Daniel Kolar in the 59^th. All of them were cut out by alert inner-defensemen who were on their game. What can I say? Even boring matches have their moments of extraordinary skill. Isn’t that enough? “Not even close”, you say. Where's my damn apologists handbook? Don’t worry. It’s around here somewhere.

--POGREBNYAK! Wonderfully threaded in pass from Arshavin. What are you doing using your right hand to pat it down? Might have just cost your team the tournament!

--Best of luck at PSV, Schwanz Befürworter. Won’t be the same without you…..

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Schwanz Befürworter recently announced his total, complete, “never look back” retirement. Now life will REALLY never be the same.