Day 18: Recap
Record—
Spread: 9-21
Straight up: 13-12-5
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Ukraine
|
101
|
3 (finished)
|
Spain
|
82
|
5
|
Germany
|
75
|
5 (finished)
|
Italy
|
72
|
5
|
Greece
|
70
|
4 (finished)
|
France
|
61
|
4 (finished)
|
Poland
|
51
|
3 (finished)
|
England
|
50
|
4 (finished)
|
Sweden
|
49
|
3 (finished)
|
Ireland
|
44
|
3 (finished)
|
Portugal
|
44
|
5 (finished)
|
Russia
|
32
|
3 (finished)
|
Croatia
|
22
|
3 (finished)
|
Netherlands
|
21
|
3 (finished)
|
Czech Republic
|
20
|
4 (finished)
|
Denmark
|
15
|
3 (finished)
|
What sort of sound do a collective 12,000+ disappointed
German fans emit? It’s one very potent aggregate “Aaaaaaaaaacchhhh”. As timid
and inwardly pacifist a people as they may be, they’ll dust off some rather
salty language after the Italian fans start racing up and down THEIR streets,
waving the Neapolitan in their faces. The German word “Schlampe” doesn’t merely
mean “slut”. The connotations are far worse. It’s “cunt” meets “bitch” meets
“slut” seasoned with a sprinkling of “cocksucker” and “motherfucker”. Don’t use
it on your worst enemies, I beg of you.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Deeper
research into the linguistic nuance of the German language actually suggests
that this assessment is wholly INCORRECT. The world “Schlampe” turns out to be
as innocuous as “ho”. Oops.
Americans must be wary of using the word “cunt”, the nuanced
overtones of which far exceed the casual British/Australian/South African use
of the term. Similarly, the word “slut” approaches the positive end of the spectrum,
at least among American males.
(An aside to a male friend) “C’mon, man. There’ll be SLUTS
there! Grab you're your keys.”
(In the throngs of passion, a verbal spank if you will)
“You’re a naughty little SLUT, aren’t you?”
No such evolution in German. When a downtrodden and
despondent German fan sees a horn-honking car speeding down the avenue with a
cute girl hanging out the window waving the Italian flag, the retort, “Verpiß
dich du Schlampe!” can be loosely translated as “Fuck off you dirty motherfucking
cunt whore!” It’s not nice.
Long trudge back from the Fan-mile. A walk of at least 5 kms
or more. The dejected bunch of Krauts also adapted the syllabic cadence of the
universal football anthem:
“Whoa…oh,oh,oooh,oooh,…oh
Whoa…oh,oh,oooh,oooh,…oh”
“All…ITALIENERN..SIND SCHEIßE
All…ITALIENERN..SIND SCHEIßE”
C’mon, Brüder. What are you doing? IT’S ONLY A GAME! I know
it hurts, but it can’t possibly hurt as much as losing nearly half of one’s
Sportsbook earnings in one bloody night? (Yes, congratulations Wops. You wiped
out almost half of my earnings). In spite of the historic hit I took, I’m still
not THAT bitter. Such a sad day when Peter Weis finds himself the Apostle of
graceful acceptance. Perhaps the world will end in December after all.
Oh how disheartening it is to see German fans behaving in
such a puerile fashion. Nevertheless, I grieve with them. This loss was
especially devastating, the eighth consecutive one to the ultra-nemesis
Italians in international tournament play. Much like in 2006, the German press
opted to pretend as if we were already past the Azzuri and into the final.
Hopes we’re so high. Attendance was through the roof.
Every last cute girl in the country was out last night,
scantily clad with face painted and flag waving. All of them had to walk home,
head hung in shame, while a bunch of haughty dickless male Wops taunted them. A
particular subject of frustration came from watching more than a handful of
them succumb to the advances of those pumped up Dagos. I may report directly
from the Fan-mile: The Italians beat us and went home with our women. Doesn’t
get much more depressing.
As much as we all must admit that football is nothing beyond
a frivolous escape, it’s always a difficult day in the Fatherland when one must
put away the flags. No worries, world. We know the drill. We made a deal and
will not renneg on our part of the bargain. The flags are all gone, removed
from our cars and windows. You’ll not see them in our shops or public spaces
for at least another two years. No more German national anthem. No more German
pride until the Summer of 2014. Thank you for allowing us the opportunity to
express ourselves for these past three weeks. We very much appreciate being
allowed to act like a normal country for this brief holiday. Recognizing that
our time is up, we shan’t trouble you any further. Back to work….
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
I’ll
stand by this one, however. Show some class, people. Present yourselves with
dignity. It’s only a game!!
Goodbyes Section
Deutschland (5 games played, 9 goals, 12 points, 75 Hot
Girls)
Can we get some more beer over here, Mädel? Danke Schön.
Sigh. I should have known. Here’s what I had to write a scant 72 hours ago:
From the Semifinals Section:
The
line shall remain low. Buffon and Neuer will keep it close. Anything can
happen with Balotelli heating up. I’ve the distinct impression that he’s
nowhere near finished. Yes, wop enthusiasts, anything remains possible.
Just to err on the side of caution, however, I recommend you keep your hopes
lower than the over/under.
Not only is he “not finished”, this kid’s just getting
started. At the tender age of 21, he’s already overcome the greatest challenge
life will ever throw at him: Rampant Italian racism. Go ahead and take your
shirt off, “Reptile”. You deserve it. Anyway, onwards to the future prospects
of my beloved Mannschaft. This densely populated country often has the odd
distinction of perpetually being the youngest team in the tournament. The
reason is none other than a total citizenship of 85 million plus.
Were Ballack a Swede, he would still be playing. German
national team retirement age hovers at an unnaturally low 30-years-old. That
means Klose (at an outrageously atypical 34-years-of-age) has most certainly
played his last. It was courageous of Löw to insert him into the restart
eleven. Nevertheless, consider it his swan song. Gomez will get company from
sometimes forwards Christian Träsch and Sven Bender. Three young forwards from
the U-21 squad will also earn call ups: FC Nüremberg’s Alexander Esswein, 1860
München’s Kevin Volland, and 1899 Hoffenheim’s Peniel Mlapa. Mlapa in
particular looks to be our next great “Foreign forward”, following in the
tradition of Podolski, Klose, Asamoah, Kuranyi and Gomez. We’re ready for the
Togolese phenom. He should be ready for us in two years time.
The German midfield remains one crowded territory. Kroos, Götze,
Reus, Schürrle Podolski, Khedira, Schweinstegier, Özil, and Müller are young
enough to return. Lest we forget Lars Bender, also a natural midfielder.
They’ll be challenged by Lewis Holtby, Patrick Funk, Christoph Moritz,
Sebastian Rudy, Patrick Herrmann, Moritz Leitner, Sebastian Roder, Marco
Terrazzino, Julian Weißmeier, Abu Bakarr Kargbo, Steven Zellner, Lukas Rupp,
and the ever tenacious Ilkay Gündogan. Damn, that’s a list. If only we had more
natural strikers. In the most danger of sliding out of the lineup are the still
unfit Schweine, the non-clutch Kroos, and the under-pressure
Poldolski/Bender/Müller axis.
In defense, Phillip Lahm will return to captain the team.
He’ll be joined by Holger Badstuber, Matt Hummels, Benedict Höwedes, Marcel
Schmelzer, Jerome Boateng, and a Per Mertesacker I promise you will play better
for the Gunners this season. Challenging them will be Shkdoran Mustafi, Mattias
Zimmerman, Bjarne Thoeleke, Sebastian Neumann, Lasse Sobiech, Christoph Avevor,
and a Dennis Aogo who I assure you will play better.
The greatest danger facing the Nationalelf as we move
forward will be Löw’s attachment to his favorite players. He’s been a superb
coach, and one can hardly fault him for giving Kroos a chance at Müller’s spot
last night. It will be a surprise move that we’ll be discussing for twelve
months or more. Still, his seemingly flawless record of attaining the
semifinals every year will come back to haunt him if he becomes too comfortable
with the cadre he’s assembled. As much as we all love lionhearted players like
Lahm, Kroos, Podolski, Hummels, Schweinsteiger, and Özil, he’ll have some
exceptionally tough decisions to make when it comes time to preserving some
sense of team chemistry while also keeping streaking players in the lineup.
We’ll almost certainly qualify for Brasilia in 2014. At the risk of sounding
too pessimistic, it looks to be a “feel out year” as opposed to a championship
one.
Hey, Mädel! Einer geht noch! Right over here.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
We’ll
be back. Don’t you fucking doubt it.
Grades
Professor Pete is in a
pissy mood….and he needs another “Frustbier”. Mädel! Diese Richtung,
bitte!
Italy
Mario Balotelli
|
A+
|
Gianluigi Buffon
|
A+
|
Giorgio Chielleni
|
A+
|
Leonardo Bonucci
|
A
|
Antonio Cassano
|
A
|
Andrea Pirlo
|
A-
|
Claudio Marchisio
|
A-
|
Federico Balzaretti
|
B+
|
Andrea Barzagli
|
B+
|
Alessandro Diamanti
|
B
|
Antonio Di Natale
|
B
|
Riccardo Montolivo
|
B-
|
Thiago Motta
|
C
|
Daniel De Rossi
|
C-
|
Pirlo must be tested for steroids.
Germany
Marco Reus
|
A+
|
Manuel Neuer
|
A
|
Toni Kroos
|
B+
|
Sami Khedira
|
B+
|
Thomas Müller
|
B+
|
Mesut Özil
|
B
|
Matt Hummels
|
B
|
Jerome Boateng
|
C+
|
Holger Badstuber
|
C
|
Lukas Podolski
|
C-
|
Mario Gomez
|
C-
|
Miroslav Klose
|
D+
|
Phillip Lahm
|
D
|
Bastian Schweinsteiger
|
D-
|
I’ve never seen either Lahm or Schweine play so bad. I hope
I never see it again.
Best Euro-trash List Fillers
All the way to 500, syndicate members. Don’t slack off now.
The Sky’s the limit.
1)
“Fairytale Gone Bad” –DJ Gollum Remix
Vicey:
We can cry the pain away, we can find the words to say. As Euro-trash as such
lyrics ma be, DJ Gollum has a way of reminding us that this song speaks to all
of us who once met a girl who was convinced it was “destiny”.
2)
“Love is on Fire” –The Italo Brothers
Vicey:
dub..do..dat..da..doo…dub…doo…da…da…da. Skat with the Italo brothers. They’ve
no clue what it means to skat, but neither did “Skatman Jon”. Do it anyway.
3)
“Unfaithful” –Rihanna
Vicey:
Huge hit in Europe. For the uninitiated, this is the song where the cheating
girlfriend labels herself
“a murderer”. You’re not a murderer, honey. Most every guy has gotten with a
girl that had a boyfriend. Furthermore, most every guy has been cheated on.
Very few guys have cheated on their girls (I personally have never).
Nevertheless, we understand that relationships are formed through such actions.
No hard feelings. You’re not a ‘murderer’. Relax.
4)
“Hips Don’t Lie” –Shakira (feaut. Wyclef Jean)
Vicey:
Love me some Shakira. This Columbian cutie has an amazingly strong voice. She
belts it out like a Broadway actress. “This time for Africa” was one incredible
World Cup Anthem. This song was even halfway decent. Yet, my apologies to the
Fugees fans, Wyclef has been underachieving for years. His shitty English isn’t
his fault. Our boy happens to be a Creole Haitian. Still, homeboy keeps
cranking out shitty songs like “Gone til’ November”
“I
dedicate this record to all of you brothers takin’ long trips,
Down
south to Virginia, Baltimore, all around the world.”
Yo,
Wyclef. Not only is Baltimore not in the South, how the ignorant fuck you gonna
mention Virginia and Baltimore before saying “All around the world”. A’int
nobody show you a damn map, motherfucker?
AMERICAN
VICEY
“Yo…dis
your boy Vicey
I
dedicate this record to all those brothers takin’ long trips,
Down
south to Houma, Opelousas, all around the world.”
GERMAN VICEY
“Yo…dis
your boy Vicey
I
dedicate this record to all those brothers takin’ long trips,
Down
south to Ettlingen, Pforzheim, all around the world.”
Bottom
Line: Wyclef don’t know what the sweet-mickeying fuck he’s talking about. Thank
the fuck Christ they disqualified him from the election. Sorry, mates. He
fucked up this song too.
5) “I Turn to You” –Scarlett
Vicey:
Actually, don’t turn to me. Turn in the opposite direction. More hope lies
there.
6)
“Dancing Queen” –ABBA
Vicey:
This shitty band (along with the A-Teens) should join Aqua and Masterboy for
the red carpet inauguration of their own original list.
7)
“Christmas in my Heart” –Sarah Connor
Vicey:
You’re right. You’re right. Her awful Euro-trash #1 hit doesn’t compare to the
Christmas Album. Germans love a Christmas special. They’re soft like that.
8) “Castles in the Sky” –Paul van Dyke
Vicey:
Hate to put a fellow Berliner on this list, but it must be done. Yes, I
question my life. Yes, I wonder why. Yes, I can’t hear this song anymore.
Lyrical techno wears one out like nothing else.
9)
“Verdammt, ich lieb dich” –Matthias Reim
Vicey:
No, he didn’t realize that “Dammit, I love you” carried a minor connection to
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. It wasn’t his fault. He also didn’t realize
that the 80s were over.
10)
“Heaven” –Bryan Adams
Vicey:
I’m sorry. No, you don’t understand. I’M REALLY SORRY. This song has been
remixed by something like 1400 European DJs. It’s been sung to me by what feels
like 700 ex-girlfriends. It’s only with the heaviest of hearts that I blow my
whistle. Have I mentioned that I liked the original “Country Roads” as well?
“Baby,
you’re all that I want
Vicey:
“Are you sure? Sure you don’t want some more money?
When
you’re lying here in my arms
Vicey:
Such a nice feeling. Ephemeral as all hell, but why not?
Love is
all that I need,
Vicey:
HA! Hahahahahaha. What is this “love” you speak of? Undying
affection
for someone even though they’ve become boring and predictable? A deep sense of
affection for someone in spite of their deviation from your pragmatic plans? A
chemical reaction? Endorphins released by your Freudian desire for comfort and
security? There we are. That’s “all that YOU need”.
And I
found it there in your heart.
Vicey:
Do you know what ‘heart’ is? I thought not. Do you know how good it feels to
find another human being who makes you feel as if you have it? Thought so.
I’m
finding it hard to believe
Vicey:
Er….you’re not the only one
We’re in
heaven
Vicey:
Good for you. No, seriously. I’m honestly quite happy for you. Please enjoy it
while it lasts.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Can’t
wait to get back to work on this compilation. ; )
E-mail Riff of the Day
(Female)
Reader: I don’t understand why people would voluntarily cheat on their papers.
It makes no sense that they would deliberately choose to sacrifice their own
education and all that they might gain from it. Can you please explain?
Vicey: Awww, sweetie. You really picked the wrong guy on
the WRONG DAY. I’ll provide you an answer so cynical; you’ll want to jump off
the next bridge that crosses your line of sight.
Your (obviously undergraduate) naiveté conjures up
all-too-familiar images relating to the adorable idealism of youth. I too once
believed that hard work and a genuine commitment to accruing new knowledge
might be enough to propel me innovatively forward. Sadly, after you complete
your post-graduate “Volunteer Year” (The public service aspect of which we all
applaud), you’ll find yourself searching for a SLIGHTLY better paying job. You
won’t find it. The job market doesn’t appreciate your sharp skills in diplomatic
management. It only values the ridiculously primitive algorithmic talent of
those failed mathematics majors who are now suaving their way into Wall Street
Firms.
Eventually, you’ll come to the conclusion that you must
obtain further credentials and head to American Graduate School. You can chuck
all of your ideals out the window, as it’s nothing more than a thinly veiled
Ponzi scheme designed to milk money out of patsy consumer cogs. They’ll fill
your head with all manner of platitudes while gratefully accepting your money.
It’s about then that you’ll need someone like me to help you with your papers.
Someone who knows precisely what these overpaid (and overworked) deluded
Pedagogical Pissants are looking for.
Only then will it all come to fruition. I apologize
again, as IT’S BEEN A VERY BAD DAY, and you asked me a question at THE WORST
POSSIBLE TIME. The best a Shadow Scholar can close with…………just keep believing
in yourself. Fuck those useless bastards. They’re completely useless, and you
can trust me on that…..
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Profuse
apologies all around. Believe me when I tell you that I’m actually NOT a
spiteful dick….at least not on most days.
Enjoy the final, everyone…
