Friday, June 29, 2012

EM 2012--Day Eighteen Recap

Day 18: Recap

EM 2012 (Classic)
Spread: 9-21
Straight up: 13-12-5

Hot Girl Standings---
Games Played
3 (finished)
5 (finished)
4 (finished)
4 (finished)
3 (finished)
4 (finished)
3 (finished)
3 (finished)
5 (finished)
3 (finished)
3 (finished)
3 (finished)
Czech Republic
4 (finished)
3 (finished)

What sort of sound do a collective 12,000+ disappointed German fans emit? It’s one very potent aggregate “Aaaaaaaaaacchhhh”. As timid and inwardly pacifist a people as they may be, they’ll dust off some rather salty language after the Italian fans start racing up and down THEIR streets, waving the Neapolitan in their faces. The German word “Schlampe” doesn’t merely mean “slut”. The connotations are far worse. It’s “cunt” meets “bitch” meets “slut” seasoned with a sprinkling of “cocksucker” and “motherfucker”. Don’t use it on your worst enemies, I beg of you.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Deeper research into the linguistic nuance of the German language actually suggests that this assessment is wholly INCORRECT. The world “Schlampe” turns out to be as innocuous as “ho”. Oops. 

Americans must be wary of using the word “cunt”, the nuanced overtones of which far exceed the casual British/Australian/South African use of the term. Similarly, the word “slut” approaches the positive end of the spectrum, at least among American males.

(An aside to a male friend) “C’mon, man. There’ll be SLUTS there! Grab you're your keys.”

(In the throngs of passion, a verbal spank if you will) “You’re a naughty little SLUT, aren’t you?” 

No such evolution in German. When a downtrodden and despondent German fan sees a horn-honking car speeding down the avenue with a cute girl hanging out the window waving the Italian flag, the retort, “Verpiß dich du Schlampe!” can be loosely translated as “Fuck off you dirty motherfucking cunt whore!” It’s not nice.

Long trudge back from the Fan-mile. A walk of at least 5 kms or more. The dejected bunch of Krauts also adapted the syllabic cadence of the universal football anthem:



C’mon, Brüder. What are you doing? IT’S ONLY A GAME! I know it hurts, but it can’t possibly hurt as much as losing nearly half of one’s Sportsbook earnings in one bloody night? (Yes, congratulations Wops. You wiped out almost half of my earnings). In spite of the historic hit I took, I’m still not THAT bitter. Such a sad day when Peter Weis finds himself the Apostle of graceful acceptance. Perhaps the world will end in December after all.

Oh how disheartening it is to see German fans behaving in such a puerile fashion. Nevertheless, I grieve with them. This loss was especially devastating, the eighth consecutive one to the ultra-nemesis Italians in international tournament play. Much like in 2006, the German press opted to pretend as if we were already past the Azzuri and into the final. Hopes we’re so high. Attendance was through the roof.

Every last cute girl in the country was out last night, scantily clad with face painted and flag waving. All of them had to walk home, head hung in shame, while a bunch of haughty dickless male Wops taunted them. A particular subject of frustration came from watching more than a handful of them succumb to the advances of those pumped up Dagos. I may report directly from the Fan-mile: The Italians beat us and went home with our women. Doesn’t get much more depressing.

As much as we all must admit that football is nothing beyond a frivolous escape, it’s always a difficult day in the Fatherland when one must put away the flags. No worries, world. We know the drill. We made a deal and will not renneg on our part of the bargain. The flags are all gone, removed from our cars and windows. You’ll not see them in our shops or public spaces for at least another two years. No more German national anthem. No more German pride until the Summer of 2014. Thank you for allowing us the opportunity to express ourselves for these past three weeks. We very much appreciate being allowed to act like a normal country for this brief holiday. Recognizing that our time is up, we shan’t trouble you any further. Back to work….

Editor’s retroactive notes:

I’ll stand by this one, however. Show some class, people. Present yourselves with dignity. It’s only a game!!

Goodbyes Section

Deutschland (5 games played, 9 goals, 12 points, 75 Hot Girls)

Can we get some more beer over here, Mädel? Danke Schön. Sigh. I should have known. Here’s what I had to write a scant 72 hours ago:

From the Semifinals Section:

The line shall remain low. Buffon and Neuer will keep it close. Anything can happen with Balotelli heating up. I’ve the distinct impression that he’s nowhere near finished. Yes, wop enthusiasts, anything remains possible. Just to err on the side of caution, however, I recommend you keep your hopes lower than the over/under.

Not only is he “not finished”, this kid’s just getting started. At the tender age of 21, he’s already overcome the greatest challenge life will ever throw at him: Rampant Italian racism. Go ahead and take your shirt off, “Reptile”. You deserve it. Anyway, onwards to the future prospects of my beloved Mannschaft. This densely populated country often has the odd distinction of perpetually being the youngest team in the tournament. The reason is none other than a total citizenship of 85 million plus.

Were Ballack a Swede, he would still be playing. German national team retirement age hovers at an unnaturally low 30-years-old. That means Klose (at an outrageously atypical 34-years-of-age) has most certainly played his last. It was courageous of Löw to insert him into the restart eleven. Nevertheless, consider it his swan song. Gomez will get company from sometimes forwards Christian Träsch and Sven Bender. Three young forwards from the U-21 squad will also earn call ups: FC Nüremberg’s Alexander Esswein, 1860 München’s Kevin Volland, and 1899 Hoffenheim’s Peniel Mlapa. Mlapa in particular looks to be our next great “Foreign forward”, following in the tradition of Podolski, Klose, Asamoah, Kuranyi and Gomez. We’re ready for the Togolese phenom. He should be ready for us in two years time.

The German midfield remains one crowded territory. Kroos, Götze, Reus, Schürrle Podolski, Khedira, Schweinstegier, Özil, and Müller are young enough to return. Lest we forget Lars Bender, also a natural midfielder. They’ll be challenged by Lewis Holtby, Patrick Funk, Christoph Moritz, Sebastian Rudy, Patrick Herrmann, Moritz Leitner, Sebastian Roder, Marco Terrazzino, Julian Weißmeier, Abu Bakarr Kargbo, Steven Zellner, Lukas Rupp, and the ever tenacious Ilkay Gündogan. Damn, that’s a list. If only we had more natural strikers. In the most danger of sliding out of the lineup are the still unfit Schweine, the non-clutch Kroos, and the under-pressure Poldolski/Bender/Müller axis.

In defense, Phillip Lahm will return to captain the team. He’ll be joined by Holger Badstuber, Matt Hummels, Benedict Höwedes, Marcel Schmelzer, Jerome Boateng, and a Per Mertesacker I promise you will play better for the Gunners this season. Challenging them will be Shkdoran Mustafi, Mattias Zimmerman, Bjarne Thoeleke, Sebastian Neumann, Lasse Sobiech, Christoph Avevor, and a Dennis Aogo who I assure you will play better.

The greatest danger facing the Nationalelf as we move forward will be Löw’s attachment to his favorite players. He’s been a superb coach, and one can hardly fault him for giving Kroos a chance at Müller’s spot last night. It will be a surprise move that we’ll be discussing for twelve months or more. Still, his seemingly flawless record of attaining the semifinals every year will come back to haunt him if he becomes too comfortable with the cadre he’s assembled. As much as we all love lionhearted players like Lahm, Kroos, Podolski, Hummels, Schweinsteiger, and Özil, he’ll have some exceptionally tough decisions to make when it comes time to preserving some sense of team chemistry while also keeping streaking players in the lineup. We’ll almost certainly qualify for Brasilia in 2014. At the risk of sounding too pessimistic, it looks to be a “feel out year” as opposed to a championship one.

Hey, Mädel! Einer geht noch! Right over here.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

We’ll be back. Don’t you fucking doubt it.


Professor Pete is in a  pissy mood….and he needs another “Frustbier”. Mädel! Diese Richtung, bitte!


Mario Balotelli
Gianluigi Buffon
Giorgio Chielleni
Leonardo Bonucci
Antonio Cassano
Andrea Pirlo
Claudio Marchisio
Federico Balzaretti
Andrea Barzagli
Alessandro Diamanti
Antonio Di Natale
Riccardo Montolivo
Thiago Motta
Daniel De Rossi

Pirlo must be tested for steroids.


Marco Reus
Manuel Neuer
Toni Kroos
Sami Khedira
Thomas Müller
Mesut Özil
Matt Hummels
Jerome Boateng
Holger Badstuber
Lukas Podolski
Mario Gomez
Miroslav Klose
Phillip Lahm
Bastian Schweinsteiger

I’ve never seen either Lahm or Schweine play so bad. I hope I never see it again.

Best Euro-trash List Fillers

All the way to 500, syndicate members. Don’t slack off now. The Sky’s the limit.

1) “Fairytale Gone Bad” –DJ Gollum Remix

Vicey: We can cry the pain away, we can find the words to say. As Euro-trash as such lyrics ma be, DJ Gollum has a way of reminding us that this song speaks to all of us who once met a girl who was convinced it was “destiny”.

2) “Love is on Fire” –The Italo Brothers

Vicey:…dub…doo…da…da…da. Skat with the Italo brothers. They’ve no clue what it means to skat, but neither did “Skatman Jon”. Do it anyway.

3) “Unfaithful” –Rihanna

Vicey: Huge hit in Europe. For the uninitiated, this is the song where the cheating girlfriend labels herself “a murderer”. You’re not a murderer, honey. Most every guy has gotten with a girl that had a boyfriend. Furthermore, most every guy has been cheated on. Very few guys have cheated on their girls (I personally have never). Nevertheless, we understand that relationships are formed through such actions. No hard feelings. You’re not a ‘murderer’. Relax.

4) “Hips Don’t Lie” –Shakira (feaut. Wyclef Jean)

Vicey: Love me some Shakira. This Columbian cutie has an amazingly strong voice. She belts it out like a Broadway actress. “This time for Africa” was one incredible World Cup Anthem. This song was even halfway decent. Yet, my apologies to the Fugees fans, Wyclef has been underachieving for years. His shitty English isn’t his fault. Our boy happens to be a Creole Haitian. Still, homeboy keeps cranking out shitty songs like “Gone til’ November”

“I dedicate this record to all of you brothers takin’ long trips,
Down south to Virginia, Baltimore, all around the world.”

Yo, Wyclef. Not only is Baltimore not in the South, how the ignorant fuck you gonna mention Virginia and Baltimore before saying “All around the world”. A’int nobody show you a damn map, motherfucker?


“Yo…dis your boy Vicey
I dedicate this record to all those brothers takin’ long trips,
Down south to Houma, Opelousas, all around the world.”


“Yo…dis your boy Vicey
I dedicate this record to all those brothers takin’ long trips,
Down south to Ettlingen, Pforzheim, all around the world.”

Bottom Line: Wyclef don’t know what the sweet-mickeying fuck he’s talking about. Thank the fuck Christ they disqualified him from the election. Sorry, mates. He fucked up this song too.

 5) “I Turn to You” –Scarlett

Vicey: Actually, don’t turn to me. Turn in the opposite direction. More hope lies there.

6) “Dancing Queen” –ABBA

Vicey: This shitty band (along with the A-Teens) should join Aqua and Masterboy for the red carpet inauguration of their own original list.

7) “Christmas in my Heart” –Sarah Connor

Vicey: You’re right. You’re right. Her awful Euro-trash #1 hit doesn’t compare to the Christmas Album. Germans love a Christmas special. They’re soft like that.

8) “Castles in the Sky” –Paul van Dyke

Vicey: Hate to put a fellow Berliner on this list, but it must be done. Yes, I question my life. Yes, I wonder why. Yes, I can’t hear this song anymore. Lyrical techno wears one out like nothing else.

9) “Verdammt, ich lieb dich” –Matthias Reim

Vicey: No, he didn’t realize that “Dammit, I love you” carried a minor connection to “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. It wasn’t his fault. He also didn’t realize that the 80s were over.

10) “Heaven” –Bryan Adams

Vicey: I’m sorry. No, you don’t understand. I’M REALLY SORRY. This song has been remixed by something like 1400 European DJs. It’s been sung to me by what feels like 700 ex-girlfriends. It’s only with the heaviest of hearts that I blow my whistle. Have I mentioned that I liked the original “Country Roads” as well?

“Baby, you’re all that I want

Vicey: “Are you sure? Sure you don’t want some more money?

When you’re lying here in my arms

Vicey: Such a nice feeling. Ephemeral as all hell, but why not?

Love is all that I need,

Vicey: HA! Hahahahahaha. What is this “love” you speak of? Undying
affection for someone even though they’ve become boring and predictable? A deep sense of affection for someone in spite of their deviation from your pragmatic plans? A chemical reaction? Endorphins released by your Freudian desire for comfort and security? There we are. That’s “all that YOU need”.

And I found it there in your heart.

Vicey: Do you know what ‘heart’ is? I thought not. Do you know how good it feels to find another human being who makes you feel as if you have it? Thought so.

I’m finding it hard to believe
Vicey: Er….you’re not the only one

We’re in heaven

Vicey: Good for you. No, seriously. I’m honestly quite happy for you. Please enjoy it while it lasts.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Can’t wait to get back to work on this compilation. ; )

E-mail Riff of the Day

(Female) Reader: I don’t understand why people would voluntarily cheat on their papers. It makes no sense that they would deliberately choose to sacrifice their own education and all that they might gain from it. Can you please explain?

Vicey: Awww, sweetie. You really picked the wrong guy on the WRONG DAY. I’ll provide you an answer so cynical; you’ll want to jump off the next bridge that crosses your line of sight.

Your (obviously undergraduate) naiveté conjures up all-too-familiar images relating to the adorable idealism of youth. I too once believed that hard work and a genuine commitment to accruing new knowledge might be enough to propel me innovatively forward. Sadly, after you complete your post-graduate “Volunteer Year” (The public service aspect of which we all applaud), you’ll find yourself searching for a SLIGHTLY better paying job. You won’t find it. The job market doesn’t appreciate your sharp skills in diplomatic management. It only values the ridiculously primitive algorithmic talent of those failed mathematics majors who are now suaving their way into Wall Street Firms.

Eventually, you’ll come to the conclusion that you must obtain further credentials and head to American Graduate School. You can chuck all of your ideals out the window, as it’s nothing more than a thinly veiled Ponzi scheme designed to milk money out of patsy consumer cogs. They’ll fill your head with all manner of platitudes while gratefully accepting your money. It’s about then that you’ll need someone like me to help you with your papers. Someone who knows precisely what these overpaid (and overworked) deluded Pedagogical Pissants are looking for.

Only then will it all come to fruition. I apologize again, as IT’S BEEN A VERY BAD DAY, and you asked me a question at THE WORST POSSIBLE TIME. The best a Shadow Scholar can close with…………just keep believing in yourself. Fuck those useless bastards. They’re completely useless, and you can trust me on that…..

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Profuse apologies all around. Believe me when I tell you that I’m actually NOT a spiteful dick….at least not on most days. 

Enjoy the final, everyone…