EM 2012--Day Six Recap

Day 6: Recap

Record—

Spread: 1-11

Straight up: 2-6-4

Hallelujah! We met a spread! We met a spread! Yes we did! Yes, we did! Thanks in part to C. Ronaldo, who desperately needs to spend more time on the training pitch and less gelling his hair. He nearly blew it for them twice. No matter. Pepe has obviously put his time in during the set piece drills. Postiga knows how to finish and Varela realizes that when one miffs a chance, the proper response is to stay focused on re-converting. Had Ronaldo whiffed like him, he would have ignored the live ball and dramatically beseeched the heavens. Then, of course, we had the “Niderlände Niederlage”. Unbelievable how far they’ve fell in less than a week. We’ve been flying flags, honking horns, and screaming “Deutschland!!!” all night long. Such a decisive victory was by no means anticipated. Robben, I’m afraid it’s just not your year.

Hot Girl Standings---

Country	Tally	Games Played
Ukraine	26	1
Poland	25	2
Sweden	18	1
Russia	17	2
Greece	16	2
France	15	1
Portugal	15	2
Germany	13	2
Spain	11	1
Ireland	11	1
Netherlands	8	2
Croatia	6	1
Denmark	6	2
England	5	1
Italy	5	1
Czech Republic	5	2

We’re gonna have to better than this, Danes. Where are all the Danish women? At home preparing Smørrebrød? You even have an attractive Prime Minister? No Excuses! Bring on the “høtties”! Anemic numbers put up by both the true Germans and the pretend Germans. Not anyone’s fault in particular. A captivating match with constant end-to-end action leaves little time to swing over to the eye candy.

“Ramble On, Vicey”---

--Al right, that’s it. I know I’ve already devoted nearly twenty pages to epic bitching about these pretty boys and their absurdly gelled hair. Ronaldo, Mountinho, Veloso, Nani, Pereira, Coentrao, Alves….STOP IT. You’re not going out clubbing. You’re here to play a football match. Fuck you and your fucking stalagmites. What girl out there finds this alluring? What sort of female says, “oooooh, his spikes close the deal.” STOP IT!!!!

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Let it go, hipsters. You’re not unique. Nothing about you is unique. Let it go.

--Oh and I’m not through with you, Ronaldo. Everyone knows that you’re a set piece Wizard, but your stance resembles a stray dog preparing to drop a deuce.

--And I’m still not finished with you Ronaldo. You screwed a sure goal wide in the 47^th. You did it again in the 66^th. In the 79^th you had only the keeper to beat and you kicked it like a kitten. The North Koreans engineer more effective rockets than you. How the Umayyading fuck did you score 60 goals this season? Oh right, you play in La Liga.

--A truly hard-fought brace from the gunner’s Nicholas Bendter. Why does he receive so little love at the Emirates? One had to feel for the Danes, who not only face the high-flying Krauts next, but also lost Niki ZImling and Dennis Rommedahl to injury. Old hares Kahlenberg, Silberbauer, and Christian Poulsen shouldn’t even be considered. Can Lasse-Schöne do it alone? Hmmm..perhaps if Kvist can step it up.

--Endless defensive mistakes for the Danes. Agger and Simon Poulsen are too physically taxed to patch up the left properly next match, even as Old Man Olsen has o viable alternates. Kjaer and Kvist gave away more clumsy passes than a drunken soristitute. Not looking good. It may be light eighteen hours a day on the flaccid peninsula, but the metaphorical dark days are coming.  Emblazoning “Vikings without fear” on the side of your bus won’t do nearly enough.

--Another great match from Krohn-Deli. His clever and unselfish header to Bendtner was brilliant. Of course Varela deserves man of the match honors.. That’s how you do it, Ronaldo! It ain’t over so long as the ball remains live.

--Poor Boateng. Suspended for the next match. Whatever will he do? I mean, besides Gina-Lisa.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

I’d do Gina-Lisa. You’d do Gina-Lisa. There’s no sense pretending.

--Looks like Gomez is for real after all. Here’s a taste of cynicism from everyone’s favorite imbecile, “Past Vice’

From the Preview Section:

“After being relegated to the bench in 2008 and 2010, Mario Gomez has earned his term….in much the same way that Mitt Romney has earned the Republican Presidential nomination. Gomez scored 41 goals for Bayern this season and is now worth an estimated 42 million Euros. Nevertheless, I must insist that he not start for the Mannschaft. Why? To begin with, Ribbery fed him more than half of those goals. He’s nothing without the Frog. Furthermore, Gomez has consistently demonstrated that he cannot acclimate himself to the rhythm of my Mannschaft. He’s a hulking man who patrols for crosses. Our lack of wingers precludes such a strategy. Gomez is not merely the next Kevin Kuranyi. He’s far worse; a towering Peter Crouch absent any flank feeds. Placing him alongside Klose would be nothing short of a disaster. Poldi and Schweine will not be able to accommodate him. That’s to say nothing of Klose himself or forward sparkplugs like Lahm, Khedira, Özil, and Müller.”

From Round One:

“Shock the world by starting Klose in place of Gomez, even after his sensational goal. Klose’s playmaking ability represents the one X-factor the Dutch WON’T be prepared for. Switch back to Gomez for subsequent matches if necessary. Just keep em’ guessing.”

Damn good thing I'm not in charge of this outfit. As for the man who is, this is what one calls a ‘segue’.

--Quote of the day.

“I find Joachim Löw very attractive” –girl I dragged to the bar.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

And that’s all you’re ever going to know about that ;)

Okay by me, doll. Feel free to speak fawningly about my Mannschaft all you like. No jealously here. My future ex-girlfriend can even go down on them all she likes. I won’t break up with her for that. As usual, it will be because I was so distracted that I forgot about the evening out we planned.

--Despite the late van Persie strike and the sustained flurry of pressure in the final twenty minutes, an overall dominant performance from our Nationalelf. Here are my grades:

Manuel Neuer	A+
Matt Hummels	A+
Mario Gomez	A+
Bastian Schweinsteiger	A+
Mesut Özil	B+
Thomas Müller	B
Phillip Lahm	B
Holger Badstuber	B-
Sami Khedira	B-
Jerome Boateng	C+
Lucas Podolski	C+

No genuinely bad marks to hand out. Slight dip in form for Khedira. Poldolski hasn’t been particularly explosive, but one would be hard pressed to justify the loss of his starting position. Boateng also had difficulty living up to his previous performance, but that was to be expected. Not worried about him as he gets a day off anyway. Look for Löw to perhaps move the hungry Hummels out toward the flank and give Mertesacker the opportunity to reprise his central halfback role. A rest cure for Özil (Kroos standing in) is not out of the question. Neither is a break for Podolksi (Schürrle standing in) or Müller (Götze or Reus given at least a 45-minute-shot). We may even so Klose earlier if the Mannschaft can build a decisive lead. The old Pole wants a sniff badly, and nearly snatched a howler from Stekelenburg late in the match.

--In addition to being a strikingly handsome man, Löw also possesses a great sense of humor. Early in the first half proceedings he snuck up behind a ball boy and punched the lad’s sole responsibility out of his hands. A panicked peon swung round to find Löw smiling at him. He’s only 52 ladies…not to mention rich. When you see something you desire, just go for it. Other women might call you a slut, but fuck them. They’re nothing more than petty, vile, and catty creatures who thrive on elevating their own mood by keeping their female friends down on their level. What? You know it's true. Notice something you like? Go for it. 

Editor’s retroactive notes:

It was priceless. So glad to witness Joachim Löw doing something other than picking his nose.

--Robben, Robben, Robben. You can’t score. You can’t dance. Holger Badstuber is cracking open your skull with his own. You deserve a vacation. No worries. It’s coming.

--So Boateng took one to the pelvis? Not the biggest workout his torso got this week.

--Hey “Flying Dutchmen” fans:

Don’t be taken aback. I’m not like the other German fans; the ones that bum rush your fan section, throw empty bottles at your corner kicker, and release tailored TV ads specifically aimed at you:

From Media Markt (German circuit city): “Watch the EM 2012 Final match on a Television…just like the Dutch players.”

Editor’s retroactive notes:

“Verbringen Sie der EM so wie die Niederläde, vor dem Fernsehen.” Good stuff. Good times.

Yeeeeouch. Way to kick a crippled kid when he tripped over his own crutches. Sorry, Hollanders. You really deserved better. Mathematically, there’s a way for you to sneak through. Realistically, however, van Persie will be looking to get laid in Ibiza come Monday. 

--Gomez might consider a career as a ballet dancer. The big man pulled off a fantastic pirouette. Klaas Jan Huntelar might consider a career as an offensive lineman. He moved about as well as a nose tackle after being brought on for the restart. Down with van der Vaart as well. You were supposed to be a sparkplug, not a butt plug!!

--Ordinarily I’d sign off with some words on this evening’s matches. Too late for that today, though. We’re late. Children are a ray of sublime sunshine. They also, without fail, prevent you from finishing your work in a timely fashion. Bear that in mind. Balance can be elusive….