Witamy syndicate members,
What an incredible semifinals we have in store! The “Battle for the Iberian Peninsula” returns. The central European Wop-Kraut border rivalry resumes. For the first time since I’ve been keeping this book, there were no major upsets. All four semifinalists are obscenely talented top tier countries. Don’t miss a minute of these sure-to-be suspenseful instant classics.
In a scant 24 hours, the most intriguing semifinals round in
a good sixteen years will commence. Not since Euro ’96 have the matches been so
delectable. History will be made…worthwhile history this time. Full breakdowns
of both matches may be found below. First, however, we must honor the class and
wit of the syndicate members with yet another Simmons-Style Mailbag
Mailbag
Reader:
Your blog combines all the excitement of a dull academic paper with the
annoying aesthetics of a headache-inducing green font. What say you to that,
Shadow Scholar?
Vicey: I
dunno. Would a “thank you” really be that out of context?
Reader:
Will the Three Lions ever make it past the quarterfinals again?
Vicey:
No. Next question.
Reader:
What I like most about this year’s Sportsbook is that you’re considerably less
full of yourself.
Vicey:
Cool. I’ll take it. Even a backhanded compliment is worth something.
(Male)
Reader: I think I understand your newfound obsession with Adele. She sets fire
to the rain. You set fire to the keys.
Vicey:
Wow. I’ll take that one as well. I know you’re a dude, but can we get married?
It’s now legal in six states!
Reader:
Per your discussions of some of the Euro-trash classics in the Day 14 Recap, I
do believe we’re entitled to a Letterman-style Top Ten List of the most Euro-trash
Pop Songs. Be sure to include Eiffel 65’s “Blue” and at least two Aqua songs in
there.
Vicey:
What a fantastic idea! It’s been some years since I’ve composed a Top Ten List.
I’m well overdue. Sadly, we do run into a few problems. One might say that Aqua
has produced enough material to fill it's own list. Perhaps there should be a
separate category for terrible songs related to sex? I’ll leave the hashing out
of the details to the syndicate members. With everyone chipping in, I’m
confident we can eventually compile a list of the “500 most Euro-trash Songs of
All Time.” In the meantime, I’ll plant the seeds with this….
“Top
Twenty Most Euro-trash Songs of All Time”
20.
“Geil” –Bruce and Bongo
Oh yes.
In the event you STILL don’t recognize it, allow me to refresh you with the
opening lyrics:
“On
Friday the zerteenth of December, Bruce and Bongo discover Germany’s most
successful word…..geil…g-g-g-g-eil.”
19. “The
Riddle” –Gigi D’Agnostino
“Near a
tree by the river, there’s a hole in the ground,
where an
old man of aran goes around and around,
and his
mind is a beacon in the veil of the night…”
Hold on
a second. I need to write this down. Anyone have a pen?
18.
“It’s True (I wanna sleep with you)” –E-Rotic
Our
first horrible sex song! This group was popular in Europe in the late nineties.
They also had a song entitled “I know you love my tits”. Even more absurd, I
saw them live once on the Karlsruhe Marktplatz.
17.
“Eurofighter” –E Type
What the
regional-integrating fuck was THIS song about?
“The
time is now…we’re back in town…we can do whatever, dance the night
away…EUROFIGHTER!”
16.
“Blue” –Eiffel 65
If I
hear this song again…I swear to fucking Christ.
15. “Sex
Bomb” –Tom Jones
Only in
Europe:
“Sex
Bomb, sex bomb
You’re
my sex bomb
And baby
you can turn me on.”
14.
“Daylight” –The No-Angels
Germany’s
early naught answer to the Spice Girls. Careful. Just by listening you might
contract AIDS.
“I wanna
be Daylight in your eyes
I wanna
be sunlight, only warmer.”
Er….WHAT?
Sunlight, “only warmer”? What the proverb-mangling fuck are you talking about?
13.
“Sonnendeck” –Peter Licht
Hey…I
didn’t say that some of these songs weren’t good. I’ve got this one, along with
“The Riddle” on my i-pod.
“Wenn
ich nicht zu Hause bin, bin ich auf’m Sonnendeck
bin ich,
bin ich, bin ich, bin ich”
12. “I’m
horny” –Moose
Who the
fuck greenlit THIS song?
“I’m
horny…horny, horny, horny”
That’s
the entire song. It goes on for five minutes.
11.
“Papi Chulo” –Lorna
Another
one I happen to like…or at least I did the first 342,891 times I danced to it.
10.
“Wild Dance” –Ruslana
“Bah-de-ya-bah-da-wah-da-de-ya”
Er…why
not? It’s the closest the Russians have ever come to something that doesn’t
make one want to chug vodka, fold one’s hands over one’s elbows, and kick one’s
feet while shouting “Hey…hey…hey…hey…hey..hey”
9. “Coco
Jamboo” –Mr. President
Let’s
just pretend this never happened. The group, that is. They never happened. Are
we clear?
8.
“Let’s Get back to Bed, Boy!” Sarah Connor featuring TQ
No,
you’re not high. An artist named SARAH CONNOR once transfixed Europe. Man, I’d
like to go Schwarzenegger from the first Terminator on her.
“Sarah
Connor?”
“Yes?”
“BLAM!”
For this
hit she was joined by an American rapper you’ve never heard of named T.Q. His
contribution to the song, besides calling Sarah a “brand new diva” was to utter
the line:
“I get
us some Dom,
it make
it better,
wake up
in the morning,
we be
stuck together.”
How
romantic. Almost as Romantic as her follow-up “We’re goin’ do what they call
the French Kissing.” Oh God. Poor Europe.
7.
“Country Roads” –remixed by the Hermes House Band
Someone
has yet to explain to me why Germans love John Denver’s “Country Roads”. Are we
truly such bucolic people?
6.
“Generation of Love” –Masterboy
Just
like Aqua, Masterboy really necessitates it’s own list.
5.
“Autobahn”—Kraftwerk
Gotta
show some love to the classics. I only wish I had room for “Endless Europe”,
“Showroom Dummies”, and “Franz Schubert”. We want za money, Lebofski!!
4.
“Lollipop”—Aqua
Here we
are. She was one hot Danish bitch. I even almost bought the new album just to
see how she’s holding up. Then I remembered that I don’t make that much money…
3. “Make
Me Wet (Makin love in the shower)” –E-Rotic
They’re
back. Fuck this band. “It’s True (I wanna sleep with you)”, “I know you love my
tits” and “Make Me Wet (makin love in the shower)". Jesus fucking H.
Christ. This band ruined so much for me. When I was living in Berlin, it took
me three whole weeks to build up the courage to ask out the cute Turkish girl
working the cashier checkout at the “Penny Markt”.
Finally
I had my lines memorized. I went to the store and selected a wholesome lot of
items that did not include alcohol, cigarettes, or porn. Here was my big
moment. She scanned my bundle of broccoli, packet of candles, and assortment of
fresh fruit. AND….then this song was piped in. A bit sleep deprived and giddy,
I couldn’t help laughing. She thought I was insane. She was right…but…DAMN THIS
SONG!
Don’t
listen to this song if you ever want to have sex in the shower again.
2.
“Dieci Cento Mille” –Brothers
Let’s
just ban Italians from recording studios.
1. “Sexy
Vampire” –The Fright Rangers
You want
the lyrics, don’t you? I’ll oblige.
“Sexy
Vampire,
I’m
falling in love,
So just
BITE ME BABY,
And
drink all my blood…oh yeah”
“Sexy
Vampire,
I’m
falling love with..you,
So..do..what
you want to do,
Cuz you
need my plasma more than I.”
Sorry,
“Twilight” fans. Euro-trash was a good decade ahead of you. Anytime I meet a
girl who likes the Twilight Saga this song rushes through my head. I’ll laugh
so hard you’ll think me insane…and you’ll be right.
I know
I’ve missed several….hundred. That’s the bottom line, syndicate members.
Together we can top 500. Send in your picks.
Actual
Reading Ex-Girlfriend: So I was reading your section on partying with the
Italians. [Day 16 Recap]. All I could think of was “Look, there’s a guy who
tries something out for a little while. Then he arbitrarily concludes that ‘it
will all end in tears’ and runs away to hide out somewhere else. Sure sounds
like the Peter Weis I know.
Vicey:
What the….why would you….I mean…how could you…that’s totally…I mean……I’m human
and…….OUCH! OW, OW, OW! I won’t lie. That one stung a bit. I laughed it up, but
it was mostly to keep from crying.
(Female)
Reader: You do realize that you’re wasting your talent on this stupid nonsense?
Vicey:
Dad? Is that you? Why are you pretending to be a woman?
Reader:
Goddamn cheese eating surrender-monkeys!
Vicey:
Guess who’s back?
Reader:
Why couldn’t you fucking bastards just lose with a hint of dignity?
Vicey: Back
again.
Reader:
It’s one thing to play a shit game and lose to the team that will go all the
finals before being beaten by the Über-Krauts.
Vicey:
This cat’s back.
Reader:
It’s a whole different beast to award a penalty kick at 90 fucking minutes into
the goddamn game. You could have lost by one, but no, you worthless fucking
bastards had to screw it all up. Worse yet, you cost me my fucking bet. I could
taste victory with your average defeat, but no, you had to fuck it up. Next
time Germany invades your lazy excuse for a country, don’t go looking for Big
Brother America to bail you out again. Get ready to beg for Munster and forget
the memory of Brie. Fucking Frogs
Vicey:
Tell a friend.
(Female)
Reader: Your “Hot Girl Standings” remind me of how soccer matches are
“scripted” for the male gaze.
Vicey:
….but there’s plenty for you too! Talk about how hot you find individual male
players. Go ahead. It’s fine. I promise you. If some guy gets uppity
jealous…well he’s a pathetic man-child. Ditch him. Any real man will simply
laugh and be grateful that you’re getting into the match with him.
(Male)
Reader: I must admit I enjoy reading about your travels and adventures. Why
can’t you give us more of that and less lineup predictions?
Vicey:
Grrrr. Look, I don’t mean to be sensitive about this topic, but there’s a very
good reason I don’t travel more: I’M NOT INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY! Even penniless
hitchhiking costs money when you’re a chain-smoking boozehound with a load of
expensive computer equipment. Obviously, if I had my way I’d spend 365 days a
year traversing the globe writing about international sports tournaments.
There’s this thing called REALITY that we all must learn to accept. Sorry to
come down so hard on you, but you almost sound like one of my ex-girlfriends.
(Female)
Reader: Respect the cunt and tame the cock!
Vicey:
(giggling uncontrollably). Nicely done!
Bookie’s
Greek cousin Viceis Papapeteros: My friend, my friend, my friend, my friend.
Why you no call me? I haif some very nice extra good filling specials for
special good friend. Baklava melt in the mouth of extra good special friend.
Souvlaki taste like extra special heaven filling good special!
Vicey:
(Pretending not to be here)
(Male)
Reader: [in re Day 16 Recap] How can you leave a bunch of sixteen-year-old
girls in the lurch like that?
Vicey:
You pervert! I’m reporting you to the authorities! I hope you share a cell with
Sandusky. I like WOMEN, not little girls! Incidentally, that reminds me of a
helpful hint for determining whether an American girl is too young. Like, she
will, like, go through this, like, phase. Like, during this phase, she’ll,
like, say like, like, every third word. Don’t, like, worry. She’ll, like, grow
out of it. Until she, like, does, she’s, like TOO YOUNG. To tie this in with
the ruminations on wealth, LEAVE THE YOUNG GIRLS ALONE. You rich bastards, too.
Let them live their life. They don’t need you fucking it up.
(Female)
Reader: You’re a male chauvinist shithead. There is absolutely nothing
redeeming about your shallow, stupid, and immature commentary! I’d insult you
more, but it seems like any further invective will just make you want to fuck
me.
Vicey:
In the ass, baby. Excuse me while I get started on the letter:
Dear
Penthouse Forum,
I never
thought it would happen to me…
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Once again, the mailbag section musn’t be touched ; )
My Updated Stats
Spread: 8-20
Straight up: 12-11-5
Too many upset specials this year. Also too many picks. Oh
well. The wallet remains the bottom line.
Goodbyes Section
Czech Republic (4 games played, 4 goals, 6 points, 20 Hot
Girls)
The new look Nardorak exceeded everyone’s expectations and can head back to Prague heads held high. Had Rosicky not incurred that injury they might have gone further still. Fine tournament debuts for Theodor Gebrie Selassie, Michal Kadlec, David Limbersky, Vaclav Pilar, Daniel Kolar, Petr Jiracek, and Vladimir Darida. With this promising core, we should behold a new “golden generation” within a few years time. Consider the transitional period a success. Four years after “Brückner’s Boys” faded away, “Bilek’s Boys” have established themselves.
We’ve likely seen the last of Milan Baros and Thomas
Hübschman. Peter Cech, Jan Rezek, Rosicky, and Jaroslav Plaisil are of similar
ages, but look talented enough to hang on. An atrocious tournament for Baros, who
confirmed for the world what Lyon knew four years ago: He’s past the precipice
of the downward spiral. New strikers? We saw precious little of Peckhart and
Necid, meaning they will likely stay with their respective Russian and
Bundesliga team. Shame they couldn’t be showcased, as they would have benefited
from an audition. Sparta Prague’s Vaclav Kadlec has scored five goals in seven
matches for the Czech U-21 team, so expect him to earn a call up soon. Another
encouraging up-and-comer is Jan Charmosta, who already has a brace to his name
after one start.
Overall, the Czech youth squad is incredibly strong. Two
nineteen-year-old phenoms (Thomas Kalas and Matej Vryda) have already been
signed to top European clubs. Kalas in particular will light it up for the
Chelski Blues at Stamford Bridge as soon as this season. In spite of all these
encouraging signs, we'll have to delay the birth pangs of a new Czech
powerhouse until 2016. The Czechs have only qualified for the World Cup once
since they parted ways with the Slovaks. Their 2014 group also features Italy,
Denmark, and Bulgaria. We’ll be looking forward to beholding a more defined
squad next time Europe convenes.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
The Czechs are poised to pounce on a playoff spot,
possibly even top their qualifying group. Though the Wops presently reign
surpreme, the overachieving Bulgarians are done for. Trust me.
Greece (4 games played, 4 goals, 4 points, 70 Hot Girls)
Fernando Santos certainly succeeded in preserving the “Teamgeist”, so he’ll be back. Wave goodbye to 35-year-old captain Giorgios Karagounis….who leaves us with this face.
Aww…tell ‘papa’ where it hurts. C’mon Giorgios. Big boys
don’t cry, now. Also retiring are Nikos Liberopoulos, Theofanis Gekas, and
Kostas Katsouranis. All three “papas” shall return. Sokratis and Kyriakos will
only get better playing for Schalke and Werder. Avraam secured a starting spot
at Olympiakos. Fourtunis will leave the Pfalz behind to sharpen his skills
against top-flight competition. Keeper Michalis Sifakis has earned an audition
at a big club not named either Olympiacos or Panathinikos. All three youth
squads are churning out enough talent to keep the Pirate Ship afloat. In
particular, follow the trajectory of Vellios Apostolos at Everton. He’ll turn
some heads on the other side of Mersey.
The Hellenes will qualify for 2014 without any major
difficulty. Their group includes nothing but young states (Slovakia, Bosnia
& Herzegovina), former Soviet satellites (Latvia, Lithuania), or tax
shelters with borders (Lichtenstein). They will also join us in France for Euro
2016, even if they’re no longer part of the EU. You’re always welcome, “To
Piratiko”. Now please vanish from my thoughts before I have to seriously get
back to work next week. Just give me a week. That’s all I ask.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
After a sluggish start to the campaign, Santos finally
got the boys to click. Only complete collapse will preclude them from joining
next summer’s festivities.
France (4 games played, 3 goals, 4 points, 61 Hot Girls)
If anyone missed “Vicey and the Spaniards Gatecrash Strasbourg” from the dailies, here we are:
Viva
La Roja! Well done, Amigos. Thanks for the help in meeting a literal
last-minute spread. Okay. Care to know how we party with Spanish fans here in
Southwest Germany? Hmmmm…this piece of instructive reportage may more
accurately reflect how poorly we treat the French. No matter. Both thrusts
should be considered essential for anyone visiting the old American sector.
“Ahem.
First, it’s time to hop over the border to the Alsace region of France. Pick up
some rowdy Spaniards in Karlsruhe. One shouldn’t have any trouble locating
them, as they’re ubiquitous in this region. From there it’s only about 10 km
(6.2 miles) to…er…what has ALWAYS been France. Drive another 60 km (37.3 Miles)
to Romantic Strasbourg, the quaint and charming seat of the European
Parliament. Before even thinking about where to watch the game, go see the
famous Gothic Cathedral. Yes indeed, gentlemen. After what felt like 30 fucking
years of reconstructive renovations, IT’S FINALLY FINISHED. Worth the wait in
every respect. Witness the imposing majesty of its intricate carvings and
finely detailed astronomical clock. You only have a construction for another
generation.
Allow
yourself enough time to find a spot for the match, as it will prove
problematic. The people of the Alsace region possess a rather dubious sense of
identity, even after 60 plus years. The presence of the EU Parliament means
that it remains predominantly a city of ex-pats. In any event, you’ll find more
people standing in a public plaza listening to a single artist spouting a
dramatic French monologue than camped indoors watching television. As tempting
as it may be to ask the pretty French girls for directions, avoid doing so as
they will snicker at you for your shallow interests….or maybe it has more to do
with your appallingly bad command of the French language.
Finally,
you’re now set to watch the game, together with a bunch of bitter Frogs who
will bang on tabletops, curse their own players ten times more than cheering
them, and say hilariously clichéd French things like, “Le attack c’est le
Merde!!”, “Attencion…..olala!!”, and “Zut, bon Dieu de Merde!!”. Comfort them
if you can with phrases like “dormir, ami.”, “Les Bleus c’est bon” or, “Monte une caisse de Bier!”
After
the Frogs lose (and rest assured they will), it’s carnival time, Strasbourg
style. Citizens of most all European nations organize a parade through the
streets when their football team wins an important match. Time to cram as many
drunken enthusiasts into the car as possible. Don’t forget your flags! Up and
down the streets honking your car horn and screaming your national pride at the
top of your lungs until dawn. No one does this quite like the Spanish. Whereas
the Krauts have been known to get three cars in a row on occasion, it’s a
full-length Mardi Gras procession for the Spanish. Stick the most expensive car
out front and put two scorching senoritas with exhibitionists tendencies in it.
Have them wave and blow kisses to every last passer by. Next come the
convertibles. Load them up with yet more hotties with garlands of red roses in
their hair. Next comes the drop top bus and at least five other cards with huge
flags on them. If you still have room, give a drunken Kraut who speaks no
Spanish a five-meter wide Spanish flag and have him bring up the rear with
frantic chants of “Viva La Roja!”
Wow. I
honestly can’t say enough about this amazing night. What are all these Spanish
beauties doing in Strasbourg?!? All I can think of is the EU Parliament
internship program can’t possibly be clean. Shame on you, French fans! You
deserved to lose with the utter lack of spirit I witnessed. For that matter,
shame on fans from EVERY OTHER European country (including Germany). In my
personal quest to obtain photographs of fans from all of the sixteen
participating countries, I’ve been flipped off, threatened with violence, and
asked if I worked for Google Street View. Sadly, my beloved countrymen remain
oddly paranoid and mostly averse to having their picture taken. They want to
know if I work for a magazine or some sort of intelligence service. This never
happens with the Spanish. They smile and wave WITHOUT EXCEPTION. Everyone else
could stand to get in the spirit of things. C’mon and join the party.
In
totally unrelated news….fuck it….I’m moving to Spain. Get the couch ready,
culés. You know how to have a good time. Nothing more important. Don’t let those
imbecilic EU Policy wonks fuck with you. I’ve got your back.
Shame on the French, indeed. Not only was the support
anemic, the pub grumblings were FAR TOO HARD on this team. Laurent Blanc has
rebuilt a respectable side from scratch. You were a global embarrassment back
in 2010. In a short two years ze French now have a close-knit bunch that, while
in desperate need of central midfielders, remains exciting to watch! Florent
Malouda and Patrice Evra will be the only retiring potential starters. M’Villa,
Ribery, Nasri, Benzema, Cabaye, Clichy, Mexes, Menez, Ben Afra, and captain
Hugo Lloris will all return.
How to address the glaring deficiency of no natural central
midfielders? Simply call Gourcuff or Amalfitano back up. If Arsenal’s Francis
Coquelin continues his encouraging development, he’ll be ready to assume the
role come 2014. The Frogs are back! Almost guaranteed a spot in 2014 behind the
Spanish in a weak group, they’ll continue to improve before hosting the 2016
Euros. I want to see flags back on the street much earlier!! You hear me
talking, you baguette wielding, bastards!?!? Get your wan asses out of the Art
house Cinema and back up on the barstool!! Listen to the angry Kraut,
Frenchies. You know what happens when he gets angry. Trust me, you don’t want
to make him angry. PETER SMASH!!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
PETER CRUSH! Ze French continue to reliably piss me off.
Once they draw La Roja, however, it’s safe to assume that they’re through.
England (4 games played, 5 goals, 7 points, 50 Hot Girls)
Must we really revisit the dailies once more, Vicey? I’m afraid so, Limeys. This is for your own good. I cannot entertain the possibility that a fan of St. George hasn’t taken comprehensive stock of 44 years of abysmal failure. You may think you’re finished with the past, but it a’int finished with you mates. You will humble yourselves…..NOW.
England,
1966—Hurrah,
hurrah. A short 36 years after the World Cup was first conceived, the country
that invented the sport could claim its first crown. Obviously, there would be
more to come.
Italy,
1968—Way back when, the Euro qualifying process weeded out
all but four teams, who would play four matches to determine all four places.
The Three Lions made it all the way to the final four along with Italy,
Yugoslavia, and the Soviets. They were assigned the weakest out of the four.
C’mon now. The Limeys wouldn’t lose to Tito’s crew, would they? Not until the
87th minute. It’s okay. You were only two years removed from a World
Championship. No doubt you’ll contest again in two years.
Mexico,
1970—The Lions nearly hold on for a shootout, but are
eliminated by Gerd Müller’s Golden Goal in the 108th minute. Müller
was playing for this curious country called “West Germany” back then. It seemed
of little consequence. The English had won the World Cup just four years prior.
Surely they would be back
Italy,
1980—Don Revie ran this team into the ground. The team
couldn’t make it to the Euros in either 1972 or 1976. Here they couldn’t even
make it out of the group, drawing against the Belgians and losing against the
Italians. A thrilling win over the Spanish proved too little, too late.
Spain,
1982—Shockingly, the Lions failed to qualify for both the
1974 and 1978 World Cups. No matter. They were back and picked as favorites to
emerge past the Second Group Stage. That is, until they failed to score one
single goal against either West Germany or Spain. The “Second Group Stage”
system was widely lauded as the fairest way of sifting out the teams that just
couldn’t perform. Pity.
Mexico,
1986—After ceding first place in the group to the Moroccans,
the Three Lions recovered to trounce Paraguay in the Round of 16. Then came the
quarterfinals and Maradona’s “Hand of God”. Let’s move on. So he cheated. Your
second major title couldn’t be that far off. You can’t be cheated forever.
Germany,
1988—Doesn’t get much uglier than this. The Irish beat them.
The Dutch had their way with them. The Soviets had them bend over. Ugh. Welcome
back to Europe, Limeys. Now back to your diseased little Isle.
Italy,
1990—All the way to the semi-finals to face the West Germans.
Yes indeed. Fate had finally been kind to you. You blazed your way through the
Round of 16 and the Quarterfinals. Linenker even scored a dramatic equalizer in
the 80th minute to send you into overtime against the Krauts. You
withstood the West German onslaught for a full half hour to earn the shootout.
Then, of course, Pearce and Waddle missed in a flukish fashion there was
nothing more to do but lament the heartbreak of random elimination. No cause
for concern.
HOW
MANY SHOOTOUT LETDOWNS MUST ONE COUNTRY ENDURE? (1)
Sweden,
1992—They scored no goals against either France or Denmark.
Fortunately for them, neither of those countries scored a goal either and the
Lions were still in contention after successive 0-0 draws. Fortunately for
them, David Platt scored in the 4th minute against Sweden.
Unfortunately for you, the Swedes scored two more in the second half. It’s
death at the bottom of the group. Rest in peace.
England,
1996—Thirty years after the coveted capture of the World
Championship, football came home once more. So did a reunified Germany. Stefan
Kuntz’s equalizer stood and we were headed to penalties. In the first
5-5-penalty shootout I’ve ever witnessed, Andreas Möller finally out-dueled
Gareth Southgate in the Sixth Round.
HOW
MANY SHOOTOUT LETDOWNS MUST ONE COUNTRY ENDURE? (2)
France,
1998—The tears of the failed 1994 American qualifying
campaign had long since fallen. This Lions squad had just barely failed to best
the Romanians in the group phase and was still favored to take revenge against
the Argentines. Early goals from Alan Shearer and Michael Owen had the Lions
sure of the quarterfinals ten minutes in. Sadly, Javier Zanetti equalized in
first half injury time well after the whistle should have been blown. Gabriel
Batistuta also dove for a penalty in one of the most poorly officiated matches
of all time. It all came down to penalties, where a spectacular denial of
Herman Crespo gave you hope….until Ince and Batty missed as well. It’s okay.
Shootouts are just a random crapshoot. The odds have to give in eventually.
HOW
MANY SHOOTOUT LETDOWNS MUST ONE COUNTRY ENDURE? (3)
Belgium,
2000—They beat the Germans! They also lost to the Portuguese
and the Romanians. Looks as if the Group Stage is the graveyard once more.
Japan,
2002—Don’t be concerned about the Swedes barely eking out the
top spot in the group. All that means is you have to face the Danes in the
Round of 16. Oops. It also means you have to square off against the Brazilians
in the quarterfinals. Cheerio!
Portugal,
2004—Back to the quarterfinals. Rui Costa scored a definite
game-winner in the 110th, only for Frank Lampard to tie it all back
up again in the 115th. Rui Costa and Beckham then traded misses
during the shootout. In the SECOND 5-5-penalty shootout I’ve ever witnessed,
the English surely had to put 1996 to rest. Right? WRONG! Keeper Ricardo
scored, and then saved Darius Vassell. Oh..no.
HOW
MANY SHOOTOUT LETDOWNS MUST ONE COUNTRY ENDURE? (4)
Germany,
2006—In what was easily THE worst officiated game of all
time, the Portuguese somehow held on against you for a shootout. Frank Lampard,
Jamie Carragher, and Steven Gerrard couldn’t ALL miss, could they?
HOW
MANY SHOOTOUT LETDOWNS MUST ONE COUNTRY ENDURE? (5)
South
Africa, 2010—Lampard has the equalizer. Surely! The ball
crossed the line! Wait a minute…are you telling me that ALL FIVE officials
missed it somehow? That can’t be possible.
The
Ukraine, 2012—After briefly taking the shootout lead, both
Ashleys fail and the Wops move on.
HOW
MANY SHOOTOUT LETDOWNS MUST ONE COUNTRY ENDURE? (6)
Goodbye yet again, Mother England. You’re 0-6 after 120.
You might think it can’t possibly happen again, but I went 0-11 against the
spread at the beginning of this tournament.
Sigh. So now what? Well, you could start by firing Roy
Hogdson and approaching either Fabio Capello or Sven Goran Eriksson on bended
knee. Of course you won’t do that. That’s the first bit of disquieting news.
Next, Steven Gerarrd, Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, and Gareth Barry are all
set to retire. Terry, Glen Johnson, Ashley Cole, and Peter Crouch are no spring
chickens either. There goes your captain, most of the defense and your most
reliable call-ups. Oops.
We’ll begin with the armband. Poor Gerard only wore it for
four months after Terry sunk the whole team with his behavior. Might be time to
give it to Rooney or Joe Hart. Anyone scaling up the ranks to restock your
defensive corps? Nope. You’ve already called up Martin Kelley and Phil Jones.
Beyond them there’s no one of note. How about some promising midfielders?
Negative. You’ve already plucked Oxlade-Chamberlin and Henderson. No one else
noteworthy in the pipeline. What about the ultra-young? Meh. Maybe Michael
Keane, Jack Robinson, or Nick Powell but they’re at least three years off.
Anyone who just recently sprouted pubes? Look I’m not scouting a bunch of
14-year-olds…or am I? Liverpool’s Oluwayseyi Ojo is supposed to be pretty
good….but he only stopped believing in the tooth fairy a few years back.
It looks grim. Those of you who know me best are surely
aware that it gives me no pleasure to predict that the Three Lions will face a
rough 2014 qualifying campaign. I’m an unreserved England enthusiast.
From the Preview Section:
As a
devout Premiership fan, I care entirely too much about seeing England succeed.
I love the league so much I actually nixed plans to move to England for
university because I knew I would spend entirely too much time going to
football games and get nothing done. I worship the English. Four of my five
favorite authors are English (Douglas Adams, Christopher Hitchens, Richard
Dawkins, and Alain de Botton). I cannibalize “The Economist”. I drink tea in
the afternoons. I get up at 6 a.m. on Wednesday mornings to watch Prime
Minister’s questions. I read “The Guardian” even before I read the Grey Lady. I
missed the Super Bowl because there was a new episode of “Downtown Abby” on for
fuck’s sake. All of this doesn’t mean I even consider rooting for England when
they play Germany. When they played the States in 2010, my allegiances were
similarly straightforward. I have to wince as this snake-bitten country fucks
up year after year after year after year…..
They
invented the game! They have the best league in the world. Even the
Championship is occasionally more entertaining than the Bundesliga. Why can
they never get it together? I read Simon Kuper and Stefan Szymanski’s
masterpiece “Why England Lose: And other Curious Football Phenomena” and I’m
still flummoxed. After Terry and Capello went down together, I had a terrible
hunch we were headed for another fiasco. There was hope as the FA flirted with
Harry Redknapp. Then they selected Hodgson. I haven’t been so infuriated at a
choice since Ratzinger was elected pope. Horrible choice. Way to foul the ball,
assholes.
How
many ways can express my love for the English? They eat horrible food. They
drink terrible beer. Most of them are hideously ugly. I haven’t met one with
decent teeth yet. Their cockney accents are equivalent to Swiss German in terms
of the amount of blood oozing from my ears. I love them anyway. I’ll “fancy” a
“tumble” with a buck-toothed English girl any day of the week. I can’t explain
it exactly. Maybe it’s football. Maybe it’s the House of Commons. Maybe it’s
heavy drinking. Maybe it’s a self-deprecating sense of humor. Maybe it’s the
fact that they too come from a country where it rains all of the time. Maybe
it’s Shakespeare. Maybe it’s Emma Thompson. Maybe it’s Joss Stone. Maybe it’s
Adele getting me interested in chubby chicks again. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
IT IS! I just like them and I love hanging out with them. I even liked the “Fine
Young Cannibals”. I’m hopeless. Someone please kill me now.
If I were to predict whether or not will make it to
Brazil….at this juncture…no..we’re not coming along. (sad face). The Poles,
Montenegrins, Ukrainians will upset us. I NEED A HUG!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
As predicted, the Montenegrins maintain the upper hand
after the lackadaisical Three Lions could only muster a draw at Wembley. How
unimaginably atrocious it must be to support England with one’s own heart and
soul. ; ( At present, the most the Limeys can possibly hope for is a
hard-fought qualification….and an addendum to the above encyclopedic
chronology.
All lines are calculated personally by your friendly bookie
Vicey….the newly appointed Dr. Demento of Euro-trash Songs. The correspondence
that follows is, as always, crafted with sincere amity for those who appreciate
sharp wit and a small extra spot of fun in their day. Should you prefer
solemnity, drama, and conflict… kindly return to Bible Study
Wednesday
Spain vs. Portugal
vs. 
What a treat! Another Iberian Derby! Mark my words, syndicate members. This one will become an instant classic. The Navigators are in as brilliant a form as I’ve seen ANY football team EVER. Christiano Ronaldo played the game of his life on Thursday night. For further details, please see the “Day 13 Recap”. I honestly don’t feel like copying, pasting, and italicizing anymore. To sum up, he might have scored no fewer than nine times. Twice he unluckily struck the post, meaning he truly deserved a hat trick. Nani, Moutinho, and Coentrao have been tearing up the flanks. Veloso, Pepe, and Bruno Alves are exhibiting the Midas touch in possession. They’re set to give that famous Spanish short-passing machine serious problems. Perhaps the only bad news out of Navigator camp involves Postiga. He will miss the semi-final after the thigh injury he sustained against the Czechs.
I initially mused that Postiga’s absence should not
constitute a huge blow to Paulo Bento’s men. Though I still believe that
Almeida will do a serviceable job in his central forward spot, every man counts
in what shapes up to be a close shootout. I covered a thrilling group encounter
between these two during Euro 2004. Back then Torres and Christiano Ronaldo
were merely two promising tyros who hadn’t even cracked the starting lineup
yet. The Final Group match was crucial for both sides, and both coaches
audaciously gave their young guns the nod to let the future of they’re programs
duel it out. Round One narrowly went to Christiano Ronaldo, who produced three
heart-stopping chances to Fernando’s two. Round Two came six years later in the
South African knockout round. The Portuguese muscled their way out of the Group
of Death to face a La Roja side still struggling to shake off adversity after a
loss to Switzerland in the Opening Group Match.
This time it was Fernando’s turn. Though he was subbed off
for Llorente five minutes before Villa’s match winning goal, he better
established himself with two early distance efforts. He also, together with
Xavi, hassled Ronaldo all night, shutting him down with a vicious double-team
on the right. Yes, yes. Time to leave the past behind. After all, anyone and
everyone can read about the matches under “EM 2004—Round 3” or “WM 2010—Round
of Sixteen (Tuesday)”. Who among you are über-hyped up for the Ali-Frazier III
of International Football? Are we ready for THE DECISIVE “Clash of the Titans”?
It’s the….er…. “rummage in Donetsk”? Fuck. Why the orange-and-purpling fuck do
they have to playing in Donetsk? NOTHING rhymes with Donetsk. Let’s see if we
can’t still channel our inner-Cornell West
“Ahem…it’s gonna be INSANE in the UKRAINE….Insane in the brain,
bringin the pain on the Caucasian plains. Spain’s got the game, but Ronaldo’s
got the name. No shame in the rain as we play for the gain.”
Awww….brother Pete. Dr. West would surely be impressed. Not
really, but I just felt like writing that. Alright, we’re through. No more
eight-mile Vice. Let’s touch on what del Bosque needs to do. We’ve tried the
triple midfield axis. Then we tried Torres. Then we went back to the midfield
axis. Then we brought in both Torres and Pedro. While La Roja haven’t come close
to losing a match, they’ve hardly been scintillating over the past two matches.
They are a much more dazzling side than the previous two encounters might
suggest. Have they been biding their time, conserving energy, artificially
depressing their flair so as to bubble over in this crucial match?
I’m willing to bet on it. HOWEVER, I want Llorente in the
starting eleven. No excuses now, del Bosque. Torres is hot then he’s cold, he’s
high and he’s low, he’s in and he’s out, he’s up and he’s down. He’s producing
a gospel album one minute, and telling you he wants to “freak in his jeep” the
next. Moreover, Fabregas looks winded, Pedro looks lost, and both Mata and
Negredo are untested. Now is the perfect time to re-introduce the hero of the
last Portugal match. He’s fresh. He’s fit. He’s the only way you’re going to
escape a diatribe from me on Thursday morning. As a particularly witty
syndicate member put it in last section’s mailbag:
Reader:
I’ve composed a poem to keep Fernando Torres out of the lineup:
“When
you walk through the pitch,
you
better watch your back.
don’t
give in to the itch
walk
the straight and narrow track
If you
walk with Llorente,
He’ll
save your soul,
You
better keep Torres,
WAY
DOWN IN THE HOLE.”
Vicey:
Will you be my personal hero?
End of discussion.
Projected Lineups:
“La Furia Roja” (who will be wearing blue this time)
Fernando Llorente
|
Andres Iniesta David Silva
|
Xavi Alonso Cesc Fabregas Xavi
|
J. Alba
S. Ramos G. Pique Alvaro Arbeola
|
Iker Casillas
|
“The Navigators”
Christiano
Ronaldo H. Almeida Nani
|
Joao Moutinho Raul Meireles
|
Miguel Veloso
|
F. Coentrao
Pepe B. Alves
Joao Pereira
|
Rui Costa
|
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout—straight up
C. Ronaldo brace—straight up
C. Ronaldo hat trick---straight up
C. Ronaldo set piece goal—straight up
Nani brace---2 to 1
Hugo Almeida brace—3 to 1
Rui Patricio howler—3 to 1
Bruno Alves goal—3 to 1
Nani substitution (80+)—3 to 1
Veloso substitution (60+)—straight up
Meireles substitution (60+)—straight up
Oliviera substitution (85+)—2 to 1
Varela substitution (85)+--2 to 1
Quaresma substitution (75+)---2 to 1
Miguel Lopes substitution (55+)—3 to 1
Rolando substitution (85+)—3 to 1
C. Ronaldo booking—2 to 1
C. Ronaldo penalty—straight up
Coentrao booking—2 to 1
Torres start—straight up
Pedro start—2 to 1
Negredo start—3 to 1
Juan Mata start—straight up
Busquets start—straight up
Iniesta brace---straight up
David Silva brace—straight up
Xavi Alonso brace —3 to 1
Xavi Hernandez brace—2 to 1
Sergio Ramos set piece goal—2 to 1
Xavi Hernandez from outside the 18—2 to 1
Xavi Alonso from outside the 18—2 to 1
Torres substitution (70+)—2 to 1
Busquets substitution (75+)—2 to 1
Sergio Ramos substitution (45+)—4 to 1
Javi Martinez substitution (85+)---2 to 1
Jesus Navas substitution (70+)—straight up
Andres Iniesta substitution (45+)—2 to 1
Casillas howler—4 to 1
Sergio Ramos booking---2 to 1
Jordi Alba double yellows—3 to 1
THE
LINE: Spain +1
Del Bosque burned his final substitution
in the 87th, sending on Pedro in place of Xavi. His gambit for the
late winner floundered. Nothing memorable was produced. Instead, we settled in
for an extra half hour of slow, defensive play. The exhausted Mountinho and
Xavi Alonso canceled one another out with halfhearted first round shootout
misses. After four consecutive conversions from Pepe, Iniesta, Nani, and Pique,
a Jordi Alves blunder coupled with Sergio Ramos’s successful finish gave Spain
hope as the initiator rotated. Scoring the winning penalty, it was none other
than the covetous Cesc Fabregas. Hmmmm…perhaps del Bosque proved wise not to
start him after all.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Spain 0, Portugal 0. (4-2 PSO). Not much of a
match, this one. Twenty one verifiable looks at goal would appear to suggest
otherwise. Such stats are nevertheless rendered meaningless when one considers
120 minutes were played and no ball found the back of the net.
Del Bosque continued to ignore my impassioned pleas. In a
shocking move that no commentator could have foreseen, he started Negredo up
front, flanked by Iniesta and David Silva. The intriguing setup produced little
outside of some awkward play and unpolished passing. The more promising efforts
of the first half came from none other than Ronaldo, who only punched through
the midfield impasse sparingly. Nani whipped one in for him shortly before the
teams headed for the locker room in the only chance of note during the first
45.
It didn’t take long for del Bosque to realize that this
wasn’t working. He dumped Negredo for the far more promising Fabregas in the 54th.
The move failed to inject the match with any sort of pace. The walrus took
another stab at it in the 60th, swapping in Jesus Navas for the
ineffective David Silva. Again, the only exciting moments were furnished by
Ronaldo. Thrice he came close with fine free kicks. Twice he fired over with a
touch too much power.
Thursday
Deutschland vs. Italy
(Fatherland vs. Motherland)
vs. 
Yes indeed, it was truly fun to ride around waving flags with Italians all night long. Hope you enjoyed yourselves……now I must break you. Pack up your pride, Wops. The party ends now. It’s revenge time. Sweet, sweet vengeance for the World Championship you cheated us out of on our home soil. Don’t think that we’ve forgotten about your cheating antics with Frings in the 2006 Semifinals. THIS BOOKIE CERTAINLY HASN’T!
From the 2006 Sportsbook:
What
stands in the way of a fourth German World Championship? Very little outside a
band of greasy, flamboyant cheaters. The conniving little pricks have now taken
their subterfuge to a previously unheard of level. They’re engaging in
deceptive chicanery BEFORE the match has even begun. The dastardly Dagos have
been aggressively lobbying FIFA to suspend German players for their role in a
minor scuffle that took place with the Argentine players after Friday’s upset.
They’ve collected every piece of video tape they can get their olive-skinned
oleaginous grubby mitts on and petitioning FIFA to suspend Bastian
Schweinsteiger, Lucas Podolski, Torsten Frings, Michael Ballack, and David
Odonkor for their role in a frustration-induced shoving match after Lehman
saved Cambiosso.
Such
a fallacious tactic is unheard of and could only belong to the slimy, skuzzy,
unkempt, and unwashed sub-human Mediterranean mole-rats. These pieces of
overly-lubricated fecal mater are still pissed that the Krauts took the Cup on
their home soil in 1990 that they’re prepared to resort to anything, even
something lower than one might expect a from a sloppy, incontinent group of
proscuitto-porking…….alright I need to calm down now. My Mannschaft must win.
Nothing less than the spirit of the game is at stake.
Thus
far the fraudulent fuckers have succeeded in getting Torsten Frings suspended,
meaning we’ll have to reorganize the entire midfield. Borowski will be his
replacement, but he’s better suited to play on Schweine’s side. Klinsi may give
Hitzlsberger, Kehl, or Odonokor Fring’s place and start Borowski in place of
Schweine. Perhaps even Neuville or Hanke will get a midfield look. The Wops get
Marco Materazzi back, which means that Barzagli should return to the bench.
Show
the world that cheaters never prosper, Jungs. Send these stinking, slipshod
shitheads off to a third place match with the French. Don’t kill my party.
Arrgggghhhhhh! Die motherfuckers, die motherfuckers, DIE!!
We will DESTROY you! We will cut off your greasy wop balls, stuff them down
your tanned/bejeweled throats, gag you, and force you to watch all 27 hours of
“Heimat” Clockwork Orange-style. We will ANNIHILATE you, CRUSH you, send your
sorry, orgy-loving asses back to your pathetic little “country”. DEUTSCHLAND!!
DEUTSCHLAND!! DEUT….oops. There goes Frau Schwarz upstairs again. Schuldigung! How
about I turn down the volume and tell you why I’m confident.
1) Gomez and Müller return fresh
I’ve written it a thousand times already. Don’t be fooled by
Löw’s proclamation that he wants to “remain unpredictable”. He merely found a
way to rest Müller and Gomez against a truly inferior side. The Azzuri have no
answer for a well-rested superstriker ready to challenge Ronaldo for the Golden
Boot. Chielleni is reported to be well under 100 percent and Bonnucci and
Barzagli just ran 120 minutes. Have a mentioned that the Mannschaft has an
additional two days rest? We have a segue.
2) Montolivo, Abate, and De Rossi
All three experienced visible muscle fatigue from the 80th
onwards. One could observe them limping, cramping, and unable to speed up.
Tournament football is hell, gentlemen. Running on cramped muscles makes one
almost certain to sustain injury. Certainly we won’t see all three of them
start on Thursday. That would be a suicide mission. We have another segue.
3) How much does Pirlo REALLY have left in the tank?
He’s stunned us all. He announced his presence with a laser
of a warning shot against the Spanish. He scored a gorgeous goal against the
Croats. He directed traffic as an anchoring midfielder better than anyone I’ve
ever seen against the Irish and English. Better than Schweine. Better than
Khedira. Better than Ineista. Better than Xavi Alonso. He’s accomplished so
much already. He’s also 33-years-old and has logged 400 minutes in less than
three weeks. Surely he’s in line for a stinker. If he manages to maintain his
form and current level of mobility, I want him tested for steroids.
4) Reus is ablaze
The only change Löw will stick with involves Reus, with
Poldi possibly relieving after 70 minutes. Great news for the Mannschaft. Fresh
off a 21 goal season for Gladbach, he slammed home a magnificent cracker in his
first senior team start. Watch this kid as he heads to Dortmund. They may very
well three-peat with him in the lineup.
5) Depth, depth, depth
How about this bench? Schürrle, Klose, Kroos, Bender,
Höwedes, Schmelzer, and Götze. Three of our substitutes have scored sensational
goals. It also doesn’t hurt that we’ve a tactical genius at the helm…who wears
crisply laundered shirts no less. Löw has a full hand and he’ll make the right
adjustments.
6) The Boys from Real Madrid
Apologies, culés but I’ve got to give the duo their props.
To be honest, I’m not at all concerned about the latest chapter in the Schweine
Saga. Even if he can’t go, Khedira and Özil have been playing first class
football as of late. Either one can stand in as the main flight director.
The line shall remain low. Buffon and Neuer will keep it
close. Anything can happen with Balotelli heating up. I’ve the distinct
impression that he’s nowhere near finished. Yes, wop enthusiasts, anything
remains possible. Just to err on the side of caution, however, I recommend you
keep your hopes lower than the over/under.
Projected Lineups
“Die Mannschaft”
Mario Gomez
|
Marco Reus Mesut Özil Thomas Müller
|
Bastian
Schweinsteiger Sami Khedira
|
Phillip Lahm Holger Badstuber M. J. Boateng
|
Manuel Neuer
|
"The Azzuri”
Antonio Cassano Mario Balotelli
|
Danielle De Rossi Ricardo Montolivo A. Diamanti
|
Andrea Pirlo
|
F. Balzaretti
L. Bonucci A. Barzagli C. Maggio
|
Gianluigi Buffon
|
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes— 2 to 1
Penalty Shootout— 3 to 1
Balotelli brace—straight up
Cassano brace—straight up
Pirlo brace—3 to 1
Pirlo Hat Trick—4 to 1
Diamanti start---2 to 1
Pirlo set piece goal—straight up
Montolivo substitution (65+)—straight up
Ogbonna substitution (80+)—2 to 1
Giacherrini substitution (60+)----2 to 1
Marchisio substitution (70+)--2 to 1
Buffon howler---5 to 1
Balotelli booking—2 to 1
Balotelli penalty—2 to 1
Gomez brace—straight up
Gomez hat trick---2 to 1
Müller goal—straight up
Özil from outside the 18---straight up
Lahm from outside the 18—2 to 1
Schweinsteiger set piece goal—3 to 1
Neuer howler—4 to 1
Gomez substitution (90+)—straight up
Khedira substitution (75+)—3 to 1
Schürrle substitution (90+)--2 to 1
Kroos substitution (60+)—straight up
Podolski substitution (85+)—2 to 1
Höwedes substitution (85+)—2 to 1
Hummels substitution (55+)—3 to 1
Badstuber substitution (60+)---2 to 1
Klose substitution (105+)—2 to 1
THE
LINE: Mannschaft +1
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Italy 2, Germany 0. Full disclosure. This portion
will prove IMMENSELY difficult to compose. I’m tempted to tip one back. Can’t
do that, though. It’s 7:30 in the morning! I need to manage time better ; (
With the old man once again preoccupied, I traveled to
Pforzheim to view this one on the “Fanmile”. Yes, you read that correctly. In
the Summer of 2012, there was a fanmile….in Pforzheim of all places. Don’t
expect any further clarification out of me. This section is mentally taxing enough
as it is. ; ( I arrived with far too many quixotic dreams of subsequently
witnessing a German Championship in Berlin’s Tiergarten. After the loss, I
settled for the thought of a pleasant outing at the Bodensee. Both dreams were
dashed. My beloved Mannschaft fell flat on their faces, and my father somehow
managed to pop both front tires on the car, not to mention de-aligning the
axle.
Yes, it was epic German fuck-up after epic German fuck-up
for your friendly bookie. Sometimes it just seems as if the entire world is
conspiring to let you down ; ( Eventually the story would yield a Happy Ending.
I extended my vacation and the whole sojourn ended on the most positive of
notes. That’s the good news. The bad news….well…let’s get to the match.
Löw reinserted Gomez and Podolski into the starting eleven.
His crucial mistake was to leave out Thomas Müller on the left. Had he been
truly interested in rotating his personnel, he should have tapped Reus.
Instead, he opted for Toni Kroos. The Bayern midfielder never looked
comfortable throughout this test. He showed plenty of intent offensively, but
one of his haphazard forward moves left Pirlo in possession, totally unmarked.
The ever-defiant Juventus man then switched for Chielleni, who Kroos couldn’t
hope to catch up with. Chielleni in turn, diagonaled a ball for Cassano. In
fairness, Kroos only deserved one third of the blame for being overcommitted.
Boateng and Schweine were also nowhere to be found.
Cassano out-tricked Hummels in fine style before crossing
for Balotelli. The Wops had attained a 1-0 lead in the 20th minute.
Khedira and Özil tried to establish control, but Balotelli would grab a brace
off the counterattack only sixteen minutes later. Buffon punched away a
Schweine corner straight at a streaking Montolivo. Together with Cassano and
Balotelli, the A.C. Milan forward tore down pitch with only Badstuber and Lahm
back defending. Lahm may posses many redeeming qualities, but height isn’t one
of them. Montolivo found Balotelli in plenty of space and “The Reptile’s”
finish was flawless. 2-0 and the game might as well have been over. Balotelli
ripped off his shirt to emphasize the point. This truly sucked.
Löw reacted with two halftime changes. Klose came in for
Gomez. Reus replaced Poldi. The former produced nothing of note while the
latter executed a decidedly pretty free kick that troubled Buffon less than the
replays might lead one to believe. Müller was finally introduced in the 71st.
Löw pulled Boateng and refashioned the 4-2-3-1 into a 4-1-3-2. It made
absolutely no difference. Özil converted a 92nd minute spot kick
after Balzaretti was ruled to have handled in the box. That only served to pad
the scoreline.
Your friendly bookie took the defeat in stride. It’s only
a game, after all ; ) Only now…having to re-live it…do I feel like drawing the
shades and curling up in the fetal position. ;(
