Day 17: Recap
Record—
Spread: 9-20
Straight up: 13-11-5
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Ukraine
|
101
|
3 (finished)
|
Spain
|
82
|
5
|
Greece
|
70
|
4 (finished)
|
France
|
61
|
4 (finished)
|
Italy
|
54
|
4
|
Germany
|
52
|
4
|
Poland
|
51
|
3 (finished)
|
England
|
50
|
4 (finished)
|
Sweden
|
49
|
3 (finished)
|
Ireland
|
44
|
3 (finished)
|
Portugal
|
44
|
5 (finished)
|
Russia
|
32
|
3 (finished)
|
Croatia
|
22
|
3 (finished)
|
Netherlands
|
21
|
3 (finished)
|
Czech Republic
|
20
|
4 (finished)
|
Denmark
|
15
|
3 (finished)
|
Hmmm…well so much for an “epic battle for the ages”. Last
night’s match was by no means an “instant classic”. The extremely tense,
tactically tight fixture facilitated plenty of intrigue, but mostly for us
football connoisseurs. We saw plenty of brave headers, interesting give-and-goes,
and chess match positional reshuffling. The infamous La Roja “Ticky-tack” short
passing gambit was nowhere to be found. Veloso, Moutinho, and later Custodio
did an effective job of choking it out.
Over the course of 120 minutes, two sides nearly peerless in
the technical aspects of the game essentially neutralized one another. The La
Roja celebrations I partook in afterwards were by no means subdued. Fair enough
considering the spirit will be repressed come Sunday. Make no mistake, La Roja
escaped by the skin of their teeth. They were a bit unlucky that a penalty
wasn’t awarded for Pepe’s back pass in the 110th and Iniesta would
have scored off that Jordi Alba cutback in the 115th over 90 percent
of the time. Still, to illustrate how UNAMIGINABLY razor-thin this ticket to
the finals is, ONE MORE MILIMETER further downward on Bruno Alves’s penalty and
ONE MORE MILIMETER to the left for Fabregas would have yielded a different
result. Unbelievably close. They may as well have tossed a coin.
Goodbyes Section
Portugal (5 games played, 6 goals, 9 points, 44 Hot
Girls)
Tough luck, Navigator fans. I’ll admit it was a little tough
to get it up for the Spaniards afterwards. I had the football fandom equivalent
of Whiskey Dick. Fortunately, the two fan bases actually like another a great
deal and everyone was able to get drunk together. The two Iberian neighbors
understand each other well, even if their languages are radically different.
Ronaldo’s face after the Fabregas penalty said it all. It’s hard out there for
a member of “A Selacçao”. Portugal has now been eliminated in the semi-finals
of three European Championships. To that we’ll add the semifinals defeat in the
2006 World Cup, the stunning failure to take Europe on home soil in 2004, and
the nasty knockouts by the Czechs in 2000, the Germans in 2008, and the Spanish
in 2010. Checking into the heartbreak hotel…..once again.
When will the drought end? There exist plenty of grounds for
optimism in 2014. Though the tournament is being played in Brazil, we might as
well consider it home soil. Plenty of Brazilians will back the Portuguese on days
when their own team isn’t playing. C. Ronaldo is not only 27-years-of-age; he’s
in good enough form to reclaim his “World Footballer of the Year” title. Twice
last night he was again only centimeters away. Postiga and Almeida will be
back, though last night’s showing likely proves the latter’s best days are
behind him. Veloso, Moutinho, Quaresma, Meireles, and Nani will all return.
Ricardo who? Rui Patricio looks awesome. He’ll be up there with Buffon,
Casillas, and Neuer in no time.
Some rebuilding will be necessary in defense. While Bruno
Alvez is only 30, the Russian turf has a way of prematurely aging a player.
Pereira and Pepe also appear past their prime. Look for Pedro Mendes and Luis
Martins to make the quick leap. Also one level down are phenom strikers Rui
Fonte and Wilson Eduardo, meaning there will be plenty of options to join
Ronaldo in attack. With 2014 qualification looking easier than a suppressed Methodist
on Prom night, will see you in two years. Looking forward to it already.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
The Navigators continue to fire on all pistons. Don't be
surprised if they upset their Portuguese counterparts next year.
Grades
Professor Pete gets his grades in (on average) 20 some odd
hours after the match. Hey…that’s not all that bad.
Spain
Iker Casillas
|
A+
|
Sergio Ramos
|
A+
|
Gerard Pique
|
A+
|
Jordi Alba
|
A+
|
Xavi Hernandez
|
A
|
Xavi Alonso
|
A
|
Alvaro Arbeola
|
A-
|
Andres Iniesta
|
B+
|
Cesc Fabregas
|
B+
|
Sergio Busquets
|
B
|
David Silva
|
B
|
Jesus Navas
|
B-
|
Alvaro Negredo
|
C-
|
Pedro
|
D
|
Can we start Llorente now? I’m really fucking tired of
writing on it.
Portugal
Rui Patricio
|
A+
|
Christiano Ronaldo
|
A+
|
Miguel Veloso
|
A+
|
Bruno Alvez
|
A
|
Pepe
|
A
|
Joao Moutinho
|
A
|
Fabio Coentrao
|
A-
|
Custodio
|
A-
|
Raul Meireles
|
A-
|
Joao Peirera
|
B+
|
Silvestre Varela
|
B+
|
Nelson Olivera
|
B
|
Nani
|
C+
|
Hugo Almeida
|
D
|
Yes, Ronaldo get’s an “A+” even though he missed that
crucial chance minutes from time. He had a beast of a game. Looks as my
assertion that the Navigators wouldn’t miss Postiga turned out to be completely
wrong. The great thing about writing something like this is that I’m privileged
to be completely wrong every single day. How lovely it is when life surprises
you.
Best Euro-trash List Fillers
Thanks for the response, syndicate members! I don’t have
enough time to get to most of them. Moreover, I can hardly comment on songs
I’ve not yet heard of. Nevertheless, we’ll rock some of my obvious omissions.
All of them from readers
1)
“Deep in the Night (you touch my tra-la-la)” --Gunter
Vicey: How could I have forgotten this one? Oh that’s
right. As a German, I simply HAD to block it out. This has to be the most
embarrassing song EVER to come out of the Fatherland. To make matters
infinitely worse, an artist named “Gunter” produced it. Thanks to this song,
American girls I randomly meet in bars sometimes ask me “Do I have to touch
your Ding-Ding-Dong?” when I tell them where I’m from. Ugh. Let’s move on.
2)
“Xantic” –Bjorn Akesson and Jwaydan
Vicey: A techno anthem like no other. I’ll even concede
that I initially liked it.
“No more waiting,
no more standing,
in the dark,
no more wondering,
no more walking,
on a broken path.”
“No existing,
without breathing,
in the life I have”
“So I’ll wait,
till the light comes back.”
These lyrics proved pretty catchy to a writer. Know
something? They STILL prove catchy. I like this song…no matter what anyone
says. It’s not written that a conspicuously Euro-trash song can’t be a GOOD
song as well. Long live Euro-trash!
3)
“Don’t Go Away” –Fun Factory
No need to even bother with the lyrics. The name of the
band is “Fun Factory”. Similarly, there’s no reason to ever bother with
listening to a song written by “Up with People”. The name says it all.
4)
“The Cha-Cha Slide” –DJ Caspar
Stay away from all things “dance craze”. Whether it’s the
“Electric Slide” or “The Macarena”…just let it go.
5)
“The PF Project” –DJ Ayla
Ayla’s still going strong. However, I’ve heard this one
more than Miles Davis’s “Kind of Blue”. Can’t hear it anymore.
6)
“Di-Jane” ---???
No, I don’t remember the artist either. I just remember
the song went something like this:
“Di-jane!
Nyah…nyah..nyah..nyah..nyah,nyah,nyah
Nyah…nyah..nyah..nyah..nyah,nyah,nyah
Nyah…nyah..nyah..nyah..nyah,nyah,nyah.”
I also remember formulating a re-mix for one of my
favorite college professors
“Diaspora
Nyah…nyah..nyah..nyah..nyah,nyah,nyah
Nyah…nyah..nyah..nyah..nyah,nyah,nyah
Nyah…nyah..nyah..nyah..nyah,nyah,nyah.”
7)
“Don’t want no short dick man” –Gillette
Ah yes. This one actually made it to the states, where
the radio edit went “Don’t want no short, SHORT man.” Had totally forgotten
about this one. (Probably for the best)
8) “I
give you my heart.” –Mr. President
So someone other than me remembers “Mr. President”?
That’s two people too many, I’m afraid.
9)
“Seize the Day” –ReOrder and Stine Grove
Cool. A contemporary one! Yes, Europeans love their
trance…for some reason. They’ll also get into Drum & Bass, but regrettably
on special occasions.
10)
“Dove c’e Musica” Eros Ramazotti
You’re right! What was I thinking? I suppose I was
thinking, with some degree of humiliation, that I actually attempted to
translate an Eros Ramazotti song during the 2006 Sportsbook. He’s Euro-trash
all the way….and I bought his album.
E-mail Riff of the Day
Reader:
Loved how you found “George Washington Whiskey” for 5 Euros and posted a
picture for all of us to see. Any news on cheap beer?
Vicey: I’m soooo glad you asked. One of the first things
I enjoy doing upon entering Germany is a thorough scouting of the local
discount supermarket. “Aldi”, “Lidl”, and “Penny Markt” were a mite disappointing
this time around. Fortunately, I struck gold over at “Netto”…quite literally. I
struck “Schloss Gold”. A six-pack of this generic beer costs 1.69 Euros. It
tastes almost as bad as the Walgreen’s Beer in the States, but here’s the
twist. Thanks to progressive German recycling laws, the Pfand (or deposit) on
the bottles totals 1.50 Euros. For those capable of some quick arithmetic,
that’s a 19-CENT SIX-PACK OF BEER. Good Lord. I don’t know who fucked up on
this one, but I have a new advertising slogan for the marketing department
(free-of-charge, of course)
“Schloss Gold: We’re practically PAYING YOU to drink this
swill.”
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
That
was last Summer. This Summer it’s all about “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew”!!!
Yes sir. And on that happy note, enjoy Germany vs. Italy
everyone…..
