Day 3: Recap
Record—
Spread: 0-6
Straight up: 1-3-2
No misprints here, I’m officially 0-6 on the handicap. Can’t
seem to pick a spread to save my black lungs in this tournament. Faith in the
Poles, an overly audacious Czech Upset Special, the Danish shocker, and some
lousy Spanish luck make me look about as qualified to write a gambling column
as a quadriplegic stripper working the pole. Though most of the cash was
recouped via the all the money that came in on Ireland…..I feel about as dirty
as a predatory moneylender. Nearly every Sportsbook and Betting Parlor made a
killing off their own “Paddy Power” special. It’s easy money. Wall Street
derivatives money. Late night infomercial exercise product money. Your friendly
bookie was hardly being so dishonest when he expressed the hope that the Irish
would pull off a “Sunday morning after-mass miracle”. In fact, I deliberately
set the line high so as to dissuade betting. I did the same thing in last
year’s Women’s World Cup Final. I even eventually bumped the damn thing up to
+3 and gave away money to two Irish fans looking to bet on the Croats while
still rooting for their team.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Filthy
dirty trick, Vicey. Bad Vicey! You need to be punished, preferably by a hot
girl.
Money has never been the primary objective of this book. I
swear it. Merely trying to ensure that everyone has a memorable time. Fuck, did
this intro ever take a turn towards the brooding. Time to pour a bit more
whisky in this coffee and get on with our lives…
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Spain
|
11
|
1
|
Ireland
|
11
|
1
|
Poland
|
10
|
1
|
Russia
|
7
|
1
|
Germany
|
7
|
1
|
Croatia
|
6
|
1
|
Italy
|
5
|
1
|
Greece
|
4
|
1
|
Netherlands
|
3
|
1
|
Portugal
|
2
|
1
|
Denmark
|
1
|
1
|
Czech Republic
|
0
|
1
|
Spectacular return for the Irish fans, all of whom sung
loudly and proudly until the bitter end. A Soldier’s dirge indeed. The
scorching senoritas of reigning champions Espana began their title defense with
a robust showing. They remain the odds-on favorites to repeat. Of course you
can’t bet on the “Chicas Champion” seeing as how it’s merely a subjective tally
compiled by a hyper-vigilant drunk. Case in point: A Mick occupying the
barstool next to me insisted that I not count a Croatian cutie on the
technicality that “She could stand to drop about ten pounds there, mate.” As
valid a point as this might have been, I thought she had a very pretty face.
Overruled. Two more peeks into the scoring process before we delve into the
ramblings.
1) Repeats DO NOT COUNT. You may find yourself wondering how
the Italians turned in such an unbecomingly anemic performance. Answer: They
showed the same hottie at least four times. A cameraman’s crush has them
lagging far below their potential
2) Royalty DOES NOT COUNT. I’ve emphasized this before, but
Princesses need not apply. We only count the commoners. Spain would possess a
slender lead, but Princess Letizia DOES NOT COUNT. As much as they will be
appreciated, shots of Kate Middleton will not count. Same rule applies to
celebrities and/or supermodels. A shot of Heidi Klum or Lena Gerke will not
count. The following statement shall be grossly misunderstood and double my hat
email quotient: We want REAL girls who actually work for a living. Imperfect
angels, not flawless goddesses. Of course the mere insinuation that all girls
are not perfect goddesses will cause at least one female to lose her shit. Yes,
sweetie. Life’s a Katy Perry song. Go on and let your colors burst, firework.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
This
is only going to get worse as I grow to be a “Dirty Old Man”.
“Ramble On, Vicey”---
--La Roja vs. The Azzuri: Match of the tournament by far.
Enthralling end-to-end action throughout. Villa who? Spain’s breathtaking
short-passing game means they don’t even need a recognized striker.
--With the Flying Dutchmen hanging on by their friggin
fingernails, La Roja once again emerge as the undisputed top team. Let’s hand
out some marks:
Iker Casillas
|
A+
|
Andres Iniesta
|
A+
|
Cesc Fabregas
|
A
|
David Silva
|
A
|
Sergio Busquets
|
B+
|
Jordi Alba
|
B
|
Sergio Ramos
|
B
|
Xavi
|
B-
|
Gerard Pique
|
B-
|
Alvaro Arbeloa
|
C
|
Xavi Alonso
|
C
|
Jesus Navas
|
C
|
Fernando Torres
|
C-
|
Four players exhibited top form. After a quarter of an hour
tentative “feel out” period, Iniesta picked up the entire squad and carried
them on his shoulders. It looked as if no one wanted the ball on the edge of
the area. In addition to booting a couple of fine strikes on his own, Iniesta
distributed brilliantly to Silva and Fabregas to sound the Salvo. The Jugadores
would have still finished the half behind had Casillas not bailed them out big
time. He stonewalled Cassano twice, deftly pawed away Thiago Motta, and proved
equal to Pirlo’s bender around the wall. Both could have easily earned
man-of-the-match honors.
--Time to learn some new football terminology. For a
twenty-minute interval during the first half, the Spaniards tried to dribble
their way into the area exclusively straight down the middle, obviating any
attempt to work laterally or from distance. In hockey this would be referred to
as “forechecking the puck to death”. A $5 betting credit to anyone who can tell
me what the football equivalent would be.
--Vicente del Bosque shall hitherto be referred to as “The
Walrus”. Any objections? The man is essentially Wilford Brimley less ten years.
I bet he eats oatmeal in the buff.
--Can’t watch that “Fair Play” commercial anymore. How does
this work in sports, anyway? Must all of these ads be purchased in bulk? In the
States, can we have less than forty thousand car insurance or erectile
dysfunction spots in a single match? In Germany, enough with the car
advertisements, already. No one can afford them anyway.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Even
if one does nothing more than travel to another country to watch television,
one still learns something. It’s sad. It’s also true.
--How about a little beer talk? Americans suffering under
Blue Laws might appreciate it. Though Germans are less restrictive legally,
extremely low alcohol content beers and alcohol free beers are more popular
than ever. Keep this in mind when you see a German quaffing on his or her lunch
break. Chances are it's either non-alcoholic or one of these beer-lemonade hybrids.
The alcohol content of what I generically refer to as a “Radler”? Steady
yourself: a whopping 2.1 percent alcohol. This obliterates the definition of
“near beer” as we know it. The Mormons suddenly look like party animals. Polish
off a six-pack of these and you’ll still be able to recite the alphabet
backwards in 3.2 seconds.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
All
“Beer Talk” is rendered obsolete by “Big Flats 1901 Premium Brew”. End of
discussion.
--Care to see the picture of Sergio Ramos’s beau again?
Ten Euros says she was the one who convinced him to get the
haircut.
--Mario Balotelli, what the shilly-shallying fuck are you
doing? You held possession with only Casillas to beat for THREE FULL SECONDS!
What’s the matter? Forget your “Why always me?” undergarment at the laundry?
--Someone take the damn road flares away from the Croats.
Yeah, we get it. “Fire good”. I often feel the need to light a match around you
ultra-flatulent Slavs, but it’s getting out of hand.
--“The cat is in the sack, the rooster is in the hayloft,
was erlaubt Lunz?”
Free-verse Trappatoni Poetry reading on the way. Grab your
bongos.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
That
beat Bush Poetry by a mile.
--Hey Bilic. You can’t rock the wool-knit cap AND the
tailor-made suit!! Only Vicey can rock that look!
--“God save our Keane”. Er….sure…why not?
--Congratulations to Shay Given on his brace. Nice job by
Steven Ward on basically scoring an own goal. The score line should have read:
Ireland 1, Croatia 0, Shay Given 2, Stephen Ward 1.
--Smart moves by Trappatoni, taking out Doyle and McGeady
early after the decisive third goal was scored. The “Boys in Green” don’t have
a backup team. Their top players need all the rest they can get.
--Mandzukic won’t be returning to VFL Wolfsburg this season.
Mark my words. After last night’s brace, superrich clubs will now proceed to
salivate over him.
--Keep on smiling, Irish Eyes. More importantly, keep those
pipes sonorous. What a touching scene as you greeted your demoralized side.
Never to be forgotten. That’s the spirit………
