EM 2012--Day Five Recap

Day 5: Recap

Record—

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Straight up: 1-5-4

The curse continues. My original favorites to top the group (and recent whipping boys) elected to show up even after I gave up on them and planned a rather intricate Western Poland/Eastern Ukraine holiday for their underachieving asses. You showed us all, Czechs. The Poles made history as well. Way to keep your bruised skin in the game, Polska! Blaszcyzykowski’s goal was not only an exceptionally stunning effort that shall live in Bialo-Czerwoni lore forevermore, it averted massive Warsaw riots. Football apologists across the globe sing your praises. In the event anyone remains curious, this bookie is back in the black. Still humiliated by those stats, though.

Hot Girl Standings---

Country	Tally	Games Played
Ukraine	26	1
Poland	25	2
Sweden	18	1
Russia	17	2
Greece	16	2
France	15	1
Spain	11	1
Ireland	11	1
Germany	7	1
Croatia	6	1
England	5	1
Italy	5	1
Czech Republic	5	2
Netherlands	3	1
Portugal	2	1
Denmark	1	1

Where are you hiding your women, Czechs? Chained in the basement? That can’t be the case. You’re not Austrians after all. Every bleeding shot of the Czech fan section is a sausage fest. Terrible, terrible tragedy as I firmly maintain the belief that there exists no country that doesn’t have beautiful women. Put another way, these statistics grade the cameramen more than anything else.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

People like shots of good-looking girls. Period. I won’t apologize for the “Hot Girl Standings” Period. The camera-men and I have an unspoken understanding. Period.

The two co-hosts jostle for the number one spot. Exquisite shots of the hometown fans. This is what it’s all about: A sea of colorful scarves, all enthusiastically chanting their national anthem. Among them are hot girls and ugly dudes. I personally don’t let the ratio trouble me. There will always be one girl waving her scarf and singing with all of her heart. Hmmm…..“cuties that love their country”. Is this a calendar idea? Some outlandish fetish? A universal truth that applies to the inherent human need for sustained passion and intrigue?  An idea that the Tea Party will turn into a series of posters? Well, I certainly hope it’s not the last one. I don’t think the world can take any more self-entitled American girls.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Let’s expand on that, if only for a brief moment. American girls are by far the worst. They expect everything, even when they’ve obviously done nothing. I’m sorry, sweethearts. Though I may not be a recognizable professional, all of work that I’ve done, all of the words that I’ve typed….if you’re not working, it won’t work. I may have fallen flat on my face when confronted with certain challenges. I may have cowered and hid when life rejected me. I may have acted more like a woman that you ever did. I still never got stressed out about anything other than work. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to raise a family. Just don’t act as if it’s something unimaginably stressful. Sorry. Having a husband that takes care of you while you get annoyed about the kids’ graduation picture isn’t good enough. Complaining that the kids are too needy come breakfast time isn’t good enough. Raging about your need for attention when you do nothing besides clean the house ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH! It’s only a small percentage of American Women that I refer to. Get to work and all will be well.

“Ramble On, Vicey”---

--I knew the Czechs had it in them. Not really of course. I ditched them quicker than an obsolete political talking point. Ahem, presenting the evolution of “Vicey and the Narodak”:

1) Group A Preview Section:

“Why the enigmatical fuck is everyone so down on the Czechs?”

2) From Round One:

“It looks as if Jirasek and Plaisil may be fit as well, meaning that all of our lineup projections do not fully reflect the amount of “Narodak” pop that will be on hand.  Petr Cech soars on cloud nine after snatching the Champions League title away from Bayern. My prediction that Bilek’s Boys will top the group still seems exceptionally bold, but I feel great about this match”

3) From Round Two

“DEAR LORD, this team is terrible. Atrocious performance from Kadlec, Sivoc, and Selassie. Lethargic efforts from Hübschmann, Rosicky, Barros, and Jiracek. What can I say? I honestly thought the recent fine form of Rosicky and Jiracek would carry over into the tournament. I honestly thought we’d see Polak and Stajner. I honestly…..look, I’ll level with you: I honestly fucked up. Pure and simple. They will play better, but that says about as much as a pledge to ONLY drink six glasses of scotch in place of one’s usual ten.”

4) From Today:

Hi. Present Vicey here. I believed that the Czechs would draw. I could not foresee that they would score two goals within six minutes. I give them decent odds against the Poles. Mind you this is present Vicey speaking. Hello to future Vicey, who will surely put these sentences in italics as a means of foregoing any additional creativity. How’s it going, future Vicey? You’re a pathetic loser! You’re even worse than past Vicey. Most people improve with age. You keep getting older, stranger, and more ridiculous. Fuck you. You suck harder than Nancy Reagan on an up-and-coming actor. GO FUCK YOURSELF LOSER!

--The Greeks were offsides a record 452 times in tonight’s match. That’s the record for football at least. I’ve been drunk in a club and gone offside with no fewer than 453 women. Beat that, sheep-shaggers!

 --In an adorable little segment, German television interviewed Czech centre-back Michael Kadlec’s father during halftime. Miroslav Kadlec played for my hometown club, FC Kaiserslautern, for nearly a decade. He begat Michael in 1984, a young Leverkusener almost talented enough to play for the German national team. The father had great accolades for his son. Rightfully so. He played superbly this evening. The whole charming little affair got me thinking. What if MY father was interviewed about this evening’s performance?

Interviewer: Well, Herr Vice. How do you think your son did tonight?

Papa Vice: He did okay, though he really didn’t apply himself.

Interviewer: How so?

Papa Vice: Well, when you commit yourself to something you should do so fully. Peter is still too interested in having something resembling a social life to take his work seriously enough.

Interviewer: And by that you mean?

Papa Vice: I mean he’s too lazy to devote 100% of his time to his Sportsbook. I’ve noticed that he works very hard at it even though it’s just a hobby, but he also takes time to chat up girls and play with kids. Perhaps if someone gave him a paycheck he would be capable of neglecting everything else.

Interviewer: Are you, in fact, not Vicey’s father? Something tells me you’re nothing more than an amalgam of his own thoughts.

Papa Vice: That would be correct. I worry. I occasionally tell other people what to do. I criticize, criticize, and then criticize some more.

Interviewer: Then you are Vicey’s father?

Papa Vice: No, I’m Vicey. Just with more years, more experience, and a better job.

Interviewer: Danke schön

Papa Vice: Bitte sehr.    

Editor’s retroactive notes:

I know I just finished a bitter rant on parenting, but now I’d like to acknowledge how unimaginably difficult it is. My poor father had the misfortune to beget a smartass. That applies to my mother as well. Two smart people elected to breed and they got a smartass. If there’s one thing professors can’t stand, it’s a Klugscheiße. No one likes a smartass.  I learned that the hard way ; ) 

--Oh Cech. What’s with you, man? What sort of top tier keeper makes amateur errors like these in EVERY major tournament? Who the hell dubbed you a top tier keeper, anyway? I know five-year-olds with more sense that to run out toward a ball with two strikers lurking. I know two-year-olds who could have clasped that floater!

--Bilek’s own fans booed him when his name was announced during warm ups, but his selection was brilliant. As previously mentioned, the bench lacked sufficient depth for an overall of the back four. Thus he swapped Limbersky for Hubnik, moved Kadlec in and flipped Sivoc. He put Jiracek on the left wing and switched Pilar over to the right. As predicted, Hübschmann took Rezek’s place, but was slotted into the tamest area of the midfield Jiracek tore apart the back line missing Sokratis and Avraam for the electrifying opener. Rosicky split the disastrous duo of Kyriagos and Katsouranis again three minutes later finding Selassie on the overlap. Selassie’s cutback for Pilar might have been easily booted away had Katsouranis been more familiar with his defensive obligations. Instead it was 2-0.

--We’re in for a photo finish in this group. The Pirates aren’t finished yet either. Coach Fernando Santos will be able to field a more competitive eleven against the Ruskies. Sokratis and Avraam should return. Keeper Kostas Chalkias, who was also lost to injury in the 23^rd, will likely be back.

--Great game, Jiracek. Less theatrics next time. You took a knee to the thigh. No excuse for behaving as if you have menstrual cramps.

--Four yellow cards is a bit much for a Wolfgang Stark match. The most famous Kraut ref usually keeps matters under control. Nothing much more to say here, except that I’ve resolved to name my son “Wolfgang Weis”. Why has this name declined in popularity so steadily? Name your kid “Wolf”. He’ll be grateful all throughout his teens!

--Schwanz Befürworter update: He selected the same starting eleven for the first time in his career…..and it didn’t work. Look for him to make at least four changes before facing off against Greece. Incidentally, thanks to all you who pointed out that “Advocaat” means “lawyer” in both Dutch and Danish. It works in old German as well. We’re I to construct a true German gag; I could re-christen him “Schwanz Rechtsanwalt”

--As diminutive a man as Alan Dzgaoev happens to be, it appears we have our first favorite for the golden boot. Anyone up for a straight up bet?

--LEWANDOWSKI!! Oh man…why couldn’t he have scored? That would have been one of the ALL-TIME top ten goals. A one-touch volley from 30 yards! It was sick.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

He REALLY should have scored.

--Boenisch and Obrianiak nearly combined for some mega magic as well. Poles should have won this game as well. Something tells me they’re only fucking with us. This crescendo shit is all a mind game. Look for a big coda tomorrow.

--For those who couldn’t follow the “Bringschuld” gag from the Day 3 recap, here’s the lowdown on Jerome Boateng. The brave defender of Ghanaian descent has been handed a starting position despite a late season dip in form and questionable ability on the flank. As the Mannschaft’s greatest question mark, he’s under enormous pressure to justify the faith Löw has placed in him. How did he relieve himself of this crushing burden? He spent the night prior to the match with a sexy lingerie model partaking in the promotional event known as the “Bikini Penalty Shootout”. (For U.S. fans, it’s the equivalent of the “Lingerie Bowl” during halftime at the Super Bowl). His coach pooh-poohed the preparation regimen, so long as Boateng could fulfill the commitments he made to the Mannschaft…..and did he ever. He played the game of his life on Saturday. That, syndicate brothers, is “Bringschuld”. Work hard, play hard.

--If you missed Blaszcyczkowski’s super strike you missed something special indeed. With confidence and pace he blasted it home. Quite a treat.

--Off to prepare for my hot date this evening. Matchday in the Fatherland and I’m escorting the hottest girl in all of Germany. Her name is Carolina. She’s nearly two-years-old and today is her first Mannschaft-Spiel! She’s at that age when she picks up words left and right. Hopefully she’ll learn “DEUTSCHLAND!”, “Tor!”, and “Yippee”. Should things go south for our Nationalelf, she might just pick up a few profane things from me. “Scheiße!”, “Überscheiße”, and “Verfickte Überscheiße”.

Don’t disappoint an innocent little girl, Brüder. AUF GEHT’S JUNGS!!!