Introduction—“The Gang’s All Here”
(France, England, the Ukraine, and Sweden)
(France, England, the Ukraine, and Sweden)
All the traditional contenders cluster around the poor,
lowly Ukraine. It’s difficult to see the co-hosts getting past the group stage
here. New look France had an excellent qualifying round. The Swedes typically
win very boring, but they do win. The Three Lions will have to do without Wayne
Rooney for the first two games as he serves a backdated suspension. They also
have to deal with Roy Hodgson as coach and Steven Gerrard as captain.
Seriously. Roy Hodgson. ROY HODGSON? A sixty-four-year old habitual failure?
What the limeying fuck is wrong with the FA? Just to be clear, we are talking
about the same Roy Hodgson who did an atrocious job at Udinese, Inter,
Blackburn, Fulham, Copenhagen, and Merseyside? The same Roy Hodgson who
couldn’t handle Finland or the U.A.E? I know he has experience….but what about
SUCCESS? He did a halfway decent job with WBA, but this is insane. If you were
going to hire a sixty-year-old manager, why not Harry? Bad, bad move. This
would be akin to the DFB hiring Rehhagel or Omar Hitzfeld. He won’t get this
group together. The curse of St. George shall endure.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Even
more perplexing, why the White-Hart-laning fuck was Harry Redknapp let go by
the Spurs? One doesn’t send such a genius to Loftus Road! It’s not supposed to
work like that!
Whew. Let’s calm down a bit here, Vicey. As a devout
Premiership fan, I care entirely too much about seeing England succeed. I love
the league so much I actually nixed plans to move to England for university
because I knew I would spend entirely too much time going to football games and
get nothing done. I worship the English. Four of my five favorite authors are
English (Douglas Adams, Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Alain de
Botton). I cannibalize “The Economist”. I drink tea in the afternoons. I get up
at 6 a.m. on Wednesday mornings to watch Prime Minister’s questions. I read
“The Guardian” even before I read the Grey Lady. I missed the Super Bowl
because there was a new episode of “Downtown Abby” on for fuck’s sake. All of
this doesn’t mean I even consider rooting for England when they play Germany.
When they played the States in 2010, my allegiances were similarly straightforward.
I have to wince as this snake-bitten country fucks up year after year after
year after year…..
They invented the game! They have the best league in the
world. Even the Championship is occasionally more entertaining than the
Bundesliga. Why can they never get it together? I read Simon Kuper and Stefan
Szymanski’s masterpiece “Why England Lose: And other Curious Football
Phenomena” and I’m still flummoxed. After Terry and Capello went down together,
I had a terrible hunch we were headed for another fiasco. There was hope as the
FA flirted with Harry Redknapp. Then they selected Hodgson. I haven’t been so
infuriated at a choice since Ratzinger was elected pope. Horrible choice. Way
to foul the ball, assholes.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Such
sentiments are nothing if not embarrassingly sincere. One day I shall bear
witness to the inner workings of the House of Commons personally. One day I’ll
take in a live match at the Emirates. One day I ABSOLUTELY WILL roam the halls
of Cambridge, perhaps even drink entirely too much at the Coleridge Dinner. I’m
coming, Mother England. I’m ready for you. The only question remains, are YOU
ready for VICE?
I know what will improve my mood. Let’s run down the classes
of fans I’m looking forward to hanging out with.
English Fans
How many ways can express my love for the English? They eat horrible food. They drink terrible beer. Most of them are hideously ugly. I haven’t met one with decent teeth yet. Their cockney accents are equivalent to Swiss German in terms of the amount of blood oozing from my ears. I love them anyway. I’ll “fancy” a “tumble” with a buck-toothed English girl any day of the week. I can’t explain it exactly. Maybe it’s football. Maybe it’s the House of Commons. Maybe it’s heavy drinking. Maybe it’s a self-deprecating sense of humor. Maybe it’s the fact that they too come from a country where it rains all of the time. Maybe it’s Shakespeare. Maybe it’s Emma Thompson. Maybe it’s Joss Stone. Maybe it’s Adele getting me interested in chubby chicks again. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT IS! I just like them and I love hanging out with them. I even liked the “Fine Young Cannibals”. I’m hopeless. Someone please kill me now.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Just
don’t kill me until I’ve had a chance to visit England. Then I can die in
peace…
Ukrainian Fans
Think you can drink? Awww…that’s so cute. You’re not a
drinker until you spend some time with Ukrainians. I lived with three of them
in Berlin. Drink with them and you’ll discover just how deep their Slavic soul
descends. Ukrainians are fascinating friends in that they’re like a well that
one can’t see the bottom of. Layer after layer, you’ll never finish peeling
that onion. I miss my Ukrainian friends the way one mourns for a dead brother.
What genuinely sweet motherfuckers. After a hard day’s work it’s time for a few
beers, a hearty bowl of soup, a competitive game of chess, ten or so
cigarettes, and a nice discussion. Sob. I really miss Berlin.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Living
with Ukrainian migrant workers yields valuable perspective. For instance, I now
know how to jerry-rig a cable connection using tinfoil, chewing gum, and a bent
paperclip. Thanks to my Ukrainian roommates, I’m a regular MacGuyver.
Swedish Fans
These are the number “face-painting” fans on the planet. They treat football tournaments like a carnival, partying damn hard throughout. Visiting Sweden is especially cool when one meets up with some other drunken revelers at 4 a.m. ……..while the sun is still shining. It will prove difficult to find some Swedes here in Southwest Germany. They tend to stay in their own land….Dolph Lundgren excepted.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
After
attaining a gig as Grace Jones’s bodyguard, Dolph Lundgren went on to a
successfully star in cult classics such as “Rocky IV” and “Universal Soldier”.
He presently boasts loudly of his escape from “the Swedish Socialist
Nightmare”. Sorry, Dolph. You’re nothing more than an über-lucky Scandinavian
bastard. I must break you….
French Fans
Yes, yes. The most popular line of the 2010 Sportsbook read as follows:
“It’s like having a hot, chain-smoking, chronically
depressed girlfriend who brings the thunder in the sack, yet never shuts up and
never picks up the check.”
Since then I’ve tried to spin the metaphor off towards all
kinds of strange corners in my mind. I’ll get down to the nitty-gritty nuts and
bolts: Rollin’ with the Froggies never disappoints. They’re always fun to talk
politics with. Hell, you can talk about almost anything with them. You still
think them haughty? Just get them drunk. They’ll entertain you all
night…perhaps even pretend to be entertained by you. Spare some love for ze
French.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Anyone
else have the sudden urge to chain-smoke some Gauloises?
Onwards to the competing teams. The Swedes and ze French will grind it out, leaving the depleted Lions and the heartbroken Ukrainians in the dust.
The UkraineDon’t ask me why this country requires a definite article. It just feels right. Oh man does this team suck. Terrible way to debut on the European stage. Every playmaker is on his last legs. Team captain, 35-year-old Andrei Shevchencko has been in semi-retirement for Dynamo Kiev for over three years. Midfielder Anatoli Tymoshuk still features for Bayern, but the thirty-three-year-old’s glory days have long since passed. Thirty-two year old Andrei Voronin still lights it up for Dynamo Moskow, but can’t be in his best form if BOTH Liverpool AND Herta dumped him.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Shevchenko
picked up the entire squad and carried them on his shoulders for a stunning
opening round upset….and there were no more goals to be found.
And what of the next generation? Two names of note. Kiev’s
Andy Yarmolenko put in a 12-goal season and will eventually blossom into
Shevchenko’s replacement. Dnipro Dnipetrovsk’s (no, I’ve never heard of it
either) Yevhen Konplyanka is apparently the fans’ choice for their “pick to
click”. Other no-names that debut include young midfielder Denys Harmash,
burgeoning defender Bohdan Butko, and fresh-faced nineteen-year old keeper
Maksym Koval.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Yarmolenko
had another solid season. Word around the campfire is that he’ll be snatched up
by AC Milan. Konoplyanka continues his fine form. FC Barça is rumored to be
interested. Butko presently wrestles with the difficulties of internal
promotion, but he’ll move west eventually. Koval has been used sparingly, but
sparkles with immaculate play when given the opportunity to lace up his boots.
His cautious utilization befits a talent of his age. Ukraine enthusiasts have
reason to be optimistic. That’s the bottom line.
How bad are things for Zhovto-Nlakytni? Worse than the conditions
under which Julia Tymoschenko must live. I’ve written this before. Her
imprisonment is wrong. She still has no business pretending as if she’s being
beaten. Anyway, first choice keeper Olseksandr Goryainov is gone. Defensive
talisman Dmytro Tschyhrnskyj is out. Midfield sparkplug Andrij Jarmolenko has been
dropped. Coach Oleh Blochin had to make adjustments for injuries, then made
some pathetically poor decisions on his own. This team will lose all three
games by a sizeable margin.
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2012”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
Yes, I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess
whether or not I think another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking
them as I do hot girls or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I
would like to extend the offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one
of the two flaming ones. If you feel like undertaking such a task, your
contribution will be valued at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and
join the fun. It’s just another thing you can do to distract yourself from your
inescapable exit from this world of color and consciousness to an eternity of
dark nothingness. It’ll be a real mood brightener.
On my end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a
man-to-man confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…
All-Ugly Team Candidates—The Ukraine
Artem Milevskiy
That haircut worked well for Brody’s wife on “Homeland”.
A’int workin' so well for you.
Serhi Nazarenko
Go ahead and shave it all off. This would be the first time
I’ve told a man that.
Ukrainian National Team Women
Furthest thing from ugly you can imagine. I happened to be
surfing Russian websites and found this”
I can’t understand very much of it, but I believe that these
three are wives of the national team players. Who can really read Cyrillic and
wants a $10 betting credit?
Projecting the Ukrainian Lineup (4-4-2)
Andrei Shevchenko
Artem Milesvky
|
Andrei Yarmolenko Oleh Husyev
|
Anatoli Tymoschuk
Ruslan Rotan
|
Yevhen Selin
Yarolslav Rakitsky
O. Kucher B. Butko
|
Sweden
After a brief respite, the Blaugults join us once again. The “Triple Crowns” brought in Erik Hamren to save their ill-fated 2010 qualifying campaign. Though he arrived too late to rescue them from the impending disaster, he’s managed to aid them through a by no means creampuff 2012 qualifying group. Pessimism still swirls around this team, most likely because of the sensational Ibrahimovic saga. He was briefly dropped from the national side following a dry spell for AC Milan. He recovered to secure his promotion and the captaincy. Familiar faces anchor every section of the pitch, ideally ushering the new talent into a new age. Since we last saw the Swedes, they’ve lost Niklaus Alexandersson, Freddie Ljunberg, Henrik Larsson, Daniel Andersson, and Marcus Allbäck. Beyond all belief, Olaf Mellberg Anders Svensson, Christian Wilhelmsson, Johann Elmander and Andreas Isaaksson are STILL playing for this team. Elmander will spearhead the attack while Ibrahimovic and the NEW Larsson back him up.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Ibrahimovic
would go on to kick some serious ass for Paris St. Germain. In addition to
that, he’d score one of the more fantastical goals of all-time in a friendly
against England last November. It appears scoring FOUR goals in one match
wasn’t enough for zesty Zlatan. He donned the Steve Jobs Turtleneck and let us
all know, “but wait….there’s one more thing”. The motherfucker bicycled in a
beauty from over fifty yards out! Whatta man. He a’int done. Neither are the
Blaugults.
The NEW Larsson is Sebastian Larsson of Sunderland. He’s had
a breakthrough year for the Midlands Club. Flanking opposite will be AZ’s
Rasmus Elm, another one who appears to have caught fire. Kim Källström and
Anders Svensson return to anchor the midfield. The only thing more inscrutably
mysterious than Svensson’s return is what the Volvo-cruising fuck Olaf Mellberg
is still doing on the pitch. He moved to Olympiacos three years ago at the age
of thirty-two. He’s found a way not only to survive, but to thrive. Amazing.
Same goes for Christian Wilhelmsson, astonishingly still producing in Saudi
Arabia.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
In
spite of a rather tepid season at the Stadium of Light, Sebastian Larsson
continues to exhibit marvelous flair when he does produce. He may justifiably
add a couple of lasers to his CV. Källström, Svensson, and Mellberg are
finished…beyond a reasonable doubt. The future of this team hinges on
Ibrahimovic’s ability to defy the odds.
Apart from some Ibrahimovic firecrackers, this team produced
very little that habitats in the mind like a broke tenant over the past ten
years. They're still a Saab to be reckoned with….much like my 2001 A3. Discount
them at your peril.
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2012”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
All Ugly Team Candidates—Sweden
Petter Hansson
The only thing worse than spelling “Peter” with two “t”s is being caught in this pose:
Smokin' Joe Frazier came out looking better in Round 14.
Andreas Granqvist
As I’ve said a hundred times. Getting out of bed like this
is fine. TRYING to look like this can lick my balls.
Rasmus Elm
So you look like Opie. Okay. Conan O’Brien made a career for
himself looking like Opie. No excuse for this. NONE!
Anders Svensson
What did I do to piss your hair off so much? Why is it
running away from me?
Projecting the Swedish Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Johann Elmander
|
Rasmus Elm Zlatan Ibrahimovic Sebastian Larsson
|
Kim Källström Anders Svensson
|
Martin Olsson Andreas Granqvist Olaf Mellberg M. Lustig
|
France
Your brand new France differentiates itself little from the leaner, meaner GM. They’ve cleaned house better than any managed bankruptcy you’ve ever read about. No more Nicholas Anelka. He’s off to China, where Drogba will be joining him soon. No more William Gallas. He got tired of being ignored by Blanc and announced his retirement. No more Djibril Cisse. He enjoys a comfortable retirement with QPR. No more Sidney Gouvou. He enjoys a comfortable retirement with Evian-Gaillard. No more Thierry Henry. He enjoys a comfortable retirement with the New York Red Bulls.
Enough of the formulaic sentences. Jeremy Toulalan, Abou
Diaby, and Eric Abidal are other names you might notice are missing. Names that
you might recognize include Frank Ribery, Mathieu Valbuena, Karim Benzema,
Patrice Evra, Hugo Lloris, Sami Nasri and Alou Diarra. Plenty of inaugural
tournament outfielders to keep an eye on. Among them, Valencia’s Adil Rami,
Lille’s Mathieu Debuchy, Montpelier’s Oliver Giroud, PSG’s Oliver Menez, and
the Newcastle duo of Yohan Cabaye and Hartem Ben Afra.
After the Domenech Debacle, new coach Laurent Blanc
literally wiped the slate fully clean, refusing to even consider ONE of the 23
players from the 2010 World Cup Squad. We all watched with great interest this
unprecedented attempt to build a team from scratch. After the new core
crystallized, he’s gradually allowed players not directly involved in the mutiny
back into the fold. Florent Malouda returned as the first veteran to test out
the captain’s armband. All was forgiven for former captain Patrice Evra shortly
thereafter. Ribery’s form was too top-notch to be denied. Samri Nasri and Karim
Benzema, who narrowly missed Domenech’s final cut, were called back up to add
experienced leadership.
Benzema now leads the French attack, fresh off a cracking
32-goal season for Real. There’s every reason to believe he’ll be every bit as
prolific this summer thanks that a first-rate supporting cast. Nasri was
instrumental on the right for Premiership Champions Manchester City this year.
On the opposite flank, Frank Ribery turned in another monumental
MVP-Performance for Bayern. He continues to amaze. Gomez should consider cutting
him a fat check as at Ribery’s hard work was directly responsible for perhaps
30 of his 41 goals. No, Ribery will NOT be featured on the “All Ugly Team”
Shortlist. As I’ve emphasized before, his scars are the result of an automobile
accident when he was a young boy. He deliberately eschews corrective plastic
surgery, dismissing such “petty vanity” as he gets back down to business.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the syndicate: Frank Ribery. Not only the best winger
in the world, he’s also our official “Alpha Dog”. No “man’s man” belongs with
the “pretty boys” on the “All Ugly Team”….if that sentence manages to make
sense to you.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Nasri
made his presence known early and often for Laurent Blanc’s re-booted Froggies.
After scoring a gorgeous equalizer shortly before the restart in the England
match. Ribbery also furnished some fine contributions even if his name never
appeared on the scoresheet.
The remaining crew is fairly green, meaning that Les Bleus
will run into long-term defensive problems after they advance out of the group.
There will still be plenty of moments of magic from our two classy wingers.
We’ll see some gorgeous crosses and dazzling individual runs before they bow
out.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
In
effect this is precisely what happened. Despite some fireworks from promising
newcomers Jeremy Menez and Yohan Cabaye, CLichy, Mexes, and Rami just couldn’t
keep matters compact at the back. Blanc tried out all sorts of configurations
in ill-fated attempt after ill-fated attempt to infuse his back four with some semblance
of either chemistry or cohesion. Ultimately, every constellation flailed like a
disorganized mess. Ugh. In any event, Les Bleaus did manage to gain enough
traction to be considered an international force once again.
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2012”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
All Ugly Team Candidates—France
Mathieu Debuchy
Going all in on the douchebagery
Phillip Mexes
More undesirable electronic cookie crumbs left behind by
your friendly bookie. This time we to visit the “Kickette” girly blog. Ugh.
Scrawled all throughout the “comments” section are gag-inducing comments from
drooling farmer’s daughters like, “mmmmmm….two tickets to the gun show
please…take your shirt off sexy Frenchie.” This is madness. Why am I even
writing this? I’ve just made the acquaintance of twenty some odd women who
freely admit they like a guy with big tattooed biceps and a rat-tail mullet.
Tell me this isn’t happening. TELL ME THIS IS ALL A BAD DREAM. I need blow and
strippers, STAT. Get me out of this girly world, off of these pink-trimmed
websites. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!
Yohan Cabaye
Oh the humanity. What a horrendous group of narcissists. Who
the fuck does this loser think he is? Batman?
Mathieu Valbuena
AAAAHHH! We’re back on the “Kickette” website, back to women
gushing about how he looks like Pauly D. When will this be over? When does the
hurting stop? I want to go to the whorehouse immediately.
Karim Benzema
Benzema with his trademark “two finger touch”. These
represent the two fingers he keeps firmly up his ass.
Florent Malouda
Climb every mountain, even if it turns out to be a molehill.
Yann M’Villa
Man, I was always wondering what happened to Carlton from
“The Fresh Prince”
Projecting the French Lineup (4-3-3)
Karim Benzema
|
Frank Ribery Jeremy Menez Sami Nasri
|
Yann M’Vila Yohan Cabaye
|
Patrice Evra Adil Rami Phillipe Mexes Mathieu
Debuchy
|
England
I think we've done more than an apt job at detailing the chaotic karma hanging over this club in the introductory remarks. New Rule: No one is to mention the name “Roy Hodgson” in my presence. I guarantee you a tirade the likes of which will make the above one seem like NPR’s “The Splendid Table”. Let’s move on to the other woes afflicting the Lions:
1) No Wayne Rooney for the first two matches
We can deal with this. Jermaine Defoe scored 17 for Harry
Redknapp at White Hart line and can fill those boots suitably enough. The bad
news is, he’ll have to do so against England and France. I fear the only spot
of bright news concerns the fact that there will be no shootout for the Lions
to fuck up in the group stages. Everything hinges on Defoe. I’m not at all
convinced that either Andy Carroll or Danny Wellbeck can stand in at striker.
The pair have seven national team goals between them and had sub par seasons
for their respective clubs. Boy, it sure would have made sense to call up Peter
Crouch….but then that’s the “coach-that-shall-not-be-named” for you.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Later
we would learn that Jermaine Defoe didn’t really fit into Hodgson’s plans at
all. He aimed to give Wellbeck a solo shot up front first. When this
(somehow!?) failed to work, he brought in Carroll to support him. Eventually he
would cave in and deploy Walcott. In typical English fashion, he waited until
the absolute last moment to try something effectual.
2) No Gareth Barry
Not to be confused with the Welsh forward Gareth Bale, Barry
anchors the defensive midfield for Aston Villa. Ordinarily his absence would
mean little, as his only role on the team would be to back up Frank Lampard.
Sadly, if you sensed a segue, you sensed correctly…
3) No Frank Lampard
Uh-oh. News of this just broke yesterday. Though he
generally stays back in midfield, Lampard has a knack for cherry-picking
opportunities. His speed, passing ability, and superb pitch vision will be
sorely missed. He’s one of the greatest Englishmen playing currently. Despite
his reputation as a stay-at-home midfielder, he scored 16 goals and doled out
10 assists this season. He’s tallied 23 times for the national team. The roster
spot now belongs to Liverpool’s Jordan Henderson, with James Milner likely to
take Lampard’s place. Milner lacks Lampard’s mobility and gusto. I’ve watched
him shuffle his hulking frame around, seemingly doing his best to be a
non-factor in the match for three Premiership Clubs now. He failed win me over
at Aston Villa, Newcastle, and finally Man City. Physically he looks as if he
should be every bit as celebrated as Steven Gerrard. Somehow he just fails to
inspire.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Props
to Milner, who didn’t do a bad job filling in after all. Still, one must
conclude that Barry and Lampard might have precluded yet another debilitating
knockout-round exit via penalties. Even if the pair aren’t especially known for
being the strongest boots on the Isle, a dearth of leadership certainly played
a role in this country’s demise.
4) Who the fuck is Scott Parker?
An exemplary question. I’ve been watching him play for three
London clubs for ten years and I even I forgot who he was. He started out with
Chelsea, moved over to the Hammers, and then headed north for Spurs after the
relegation. The reason he’s not memorable is…well….he kind of sucks. Once
heralded as a youth he was called up to the national squad once……in 2003. Eight
years later, at the tender age of thirty, he was finally brought back
after…I….I don’t know why he was brought back. He had a halfway decent season
at West Ham in 2010-2011 and since then he’s been St. George’s other starting
defensive midfielder. I suppose he was just like that girlfriend we’ve all
acquired at some point in our lives. You know the one I mean. The one who you
knew from way back when. You took her home and she just didn’t leave. She
assumed a place among the wall decorations next to the rug that really draws
the room together. You thought about asking her what the ornamental fuck she
was still doing there once or twice, but then she brought you some Chinese
takeout and the game came on. That’s Scott Parker.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
He
started all three group matches. He scored two goals for A.V.B over at White
Hart Lane this season. He set up Aaron Lennon for a scorching winner in this
season’s North London Derby. He appears to be in sync with Three Lions teammate
Steven Gerrard. All of these intriguing factoids still beg the question: Who
the fuck is Scott Parker? The bookie truly knows not.
5) Who the fuck is Joleon Lescott?
This one is on you. He’s done a bang up job since Man City
rescued him from the sinking ship of Wolves three years ago. I still miss Jamie
Carragher and Matthew Upson Wish they weren’t so old. Sensing another one of
those segues?
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
I’ll
happily help myself to a slice of humble pie. Lescott has proven a treat to
watch this season, even if Mancini’s men couldn’t replicate their 2012
campaign. Vincent Kompany also earns a place in my NEW Pantheon of favorite
players.
6) How’s Ashley Cole holding up?
You’ll be happy to know surprisingly well. He and fellow
dinosaur John Terry put in their minutes for Chelski this season. The latter
may be a cheating, declining, racist, but Cole still plays beautiful football,
only cheats on his wife, and is black. Though it was probably the right
decision to give Gerrard the armband, it would have been nice to see A. Cole
get some consideration. He’s still a warrior out there.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Cole’s
got plenty of gas left in the tank. Don’t be surprised to see him return next
Summer as the England skipper.
7) Is Theo Walcott FINALLY ready?
Let’s hope so. He really seemed to breakthrough for Gunners
during the latter half of the season. After firing four braces, let’s hope he’s
on the cusp of his boundless potential. The Lions are certainly betting on it.
There’s no true alternative to his right flank presence on this roster. No
Shaun Wright-Phillips. No Joe Cole. No Aaron Lennon. No Emile Heskey. No
Michael Carrick. If he’s not ready by now, it’s time for us to turn our
thoughts to the next young phenom: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. At only eighteen
years of age, he’s been glitzing at the Emirates like the player Walcott was
SUPPOSED to be.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Walcott
came off the bench shot out of a cannon. He provided the equalizer against
Sweden, then topped himself by setting up the winner minutes later. Four braces
in the 2012 season gave us a taste of things to come. This season? How about
three hat tricks. Arsene Wegner finally has enough faith in the kid to deploy him
as a lone striker. No one knows how to groom talent like that man. It suddenly
becomes clear why the gunners could afford to part with Robin van Persie.
Giroud, Gervinho, and Podolski remain in place as…well…”placeholders”.
Walcott’s full blossom is yet to come. Rejoice in the fact that it’s coming
soon.
7) Robert Green won’t be starting, right?
Put your mind at ease. The answer is no.
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2012”
BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
All Ugly Team Candidates—England
Wayne Rooney
Nah. Not really. I’ll give you a break there, sport. The new
hair plugs are looking good.
Robert Green
Too much time looking in the mirror. Not enough time looking
at the ball. Sorry there, mate. You know I can never let you forget.
Phil Jones
Don’t feel bad, Phil. This is precisely the face I made when
I noticed your highlights.
James Milner
I guess you really do have to make your hair stick out.
There’s simply no other way to compensate for you enormous head.
Jordan Henderson
Nice lights, pretty boy. What sort of pathetic loser
highlights his hai…..nevermind. Hey ho. Time to hit up the whorehouse. I’ll be
there in thirty my dearest Svetlana.
Danny Wellbeck
Aresenio! Where the hell have you been, man? I’ve missed you
so much. Come back, brother!
Projecting the English Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Jermaine Defoe (Rooney after suspension)
|
Ashley Young Steven Gerrard Theo
Walcott
|
James Milner
Scott Parker
|
Ashley Cole John Terry J. Lescott Glen
Johnson
|
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 odds for bookie):
1)
Sweden
2)
France
3)
England
4) The
Ukraine
Overall
Championship Odds:
Sweden
(4 to 1)
France (6 to 1)
England
(NO BETS)
The
Ukraine (10 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds:
Sweden
(Straight up)
France
(Straight up)
England
(Straight up)
The
Ukraine (3 to 1)
