EM 2012--Day Four Recap

Day 4: Recap

Record—

Spread: 0-8

Straight up: 1-4-3

I hate ze French. Nothing but a bunch of quittering weaklings! COWARDS!! What the sacre-bleauing fuck are you doing Nasri, Cabaye, Evra, Malouda, Diarra, Benzema, and Martin. You pass in a triangle all night long and NO ONE, other than Ribery, has the stones to run forward. COWARDS!! Uh-oh. The old lady upstairs is pounding on the floor. Guess I better pipe down. My apologies to anyone who opted to skip the enthralling Ukraine-Sweden match on account of my words. From Round One:

“I sense something. Eddies of instability in the fabric. Discontinuity in the wash. Kinesthesia conveys an impression that directly touches all five senses. The sensation of something unique to football. Yes…..the faculty has been delivered. It’s……A DRAW. Let’s face it. The Swedes possess nothing more than an aging Ibrihimovic, Källstrom, and Mellberg. They face a deplorable Ukrainian side with nothing but the Kiev home crowd to back them up. I feel it in the force…it’s a….it’s a…..it’s a…..STINKER. As they say in Spaceballs, PREPARE TO FAST-FORWARD”

Oh Christ. Somehow I managed to be dead wrong. As my stats will attest, I’ve been managing that quite often. Not only am I winless against the spread, I only managed to pick ONE straight up winner. Thankfully, it was the Fatherland. Un-fucking-believable. Not in the red, but Christ do the oddsmaking stats look deplorable. I need to find an alcove with better local Feng Shui in which to write.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Thanks to the magic of italics, I get to pontificate on my wrongness anytime I like!

Hot Girl Standings---

Country	Tally	Games Played
Ukraine	26	1
Sweden	18	1
France	15	1
Spain	11	1
Ireland	11	1
Poland	10	1
Russia	7	1
Germany	7	1
Croatia	6	1
England	5	1
Italy	5	1
Greece	4	1
Netherlands	3	1
Portugal	2	1
Denmark	1	1
Czech Republic	0	1

It’ll prove very difficult to catch the hosts after they got camera crazy coverage for the first win by a host country in the Euros for twelve years. The Swedes also benefited greatly from a match for which camera angles were pre-determined. We also have a surprise bronze medalist! For the first time ever, the Frogs are in contention. The French might have done even better had they not shown the same two girls four times. They might have done better still were they not COWARDS! Filthy, filthy COWARDS! How the hell do you sit on the edge of the area and cycle through TWICE without anyone running forward! COWARDS!!!!!!! Ooops. There she goes again. I’m sorry. We’ll deal with this issue soon enough.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Forgive me if I take football entirely too seriously. While you’re at it, forgive me if I take my hot chicks entirely too seriously.

--Kudos to Malouda, Nasri and Benzema for attempting some long range efforts. At least TRY to open matters up a bit. You appeared to have forgotten one crucial detail: You’re supposed to run forward after the rebound!! COWA…ja, ja. Entschuldigung Frau Schwarz! Bin nur sehr leidenschaftlich heute Abend.

--The “coach who shall not be named”, actually made some smart moves. To convince you of my continued sincerity, I’ll report in on a sign in the stands that read  ”In ---- we trust”. The “coach who shall not be named” debuted what looked like a 4-4-1-1. Wellbeck at striker with Ashley Young in support. Henderson and Defoe were inserted later as they shifted to what I can only assume was a 4-3-2-1. I suppose we have our answer as to whether Theo Walcott is finally ready. The Carroll or Defoe debate also appears settled. The 4-4-1-1 was cool in that it left space for Alex Oxlade-Chamberlin, who didn’t play bad at all. An innovative arrangement from “the coach who shall not be named”.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Humility is a great thing….sometimes it’s also the WRONG thing.

--Cool it with the Joe Hart condemnations, Lions fans! Scott Parker screened him. I know you Limeys love to piss all over your keeper. It’s something of a tradition. How about a little solidarity for a change?  

--A special message for Alou Diarra: Marking Emile Heskey is actually quite simple. Keep an eye on his bald spot. Make sure the ball comes nowhere near it. You came oh so close to redeeming yourself twice. See Lions fans? Joe Hart a’int so bad after all!

--What did I tell you about Milner? WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MILNER? I shall tell you what I…er…told you about Milner. Sorry, it’s late.

“The roster spot now belongs to Liverpool’s Jordan Henderson, with James Milner likely to take Lampard’s place. Milner lacks Lampard’s mobility and gusto. I’ve watched him shuffle his hulking frame around, seemingly doing his best to be a non-factor in the match for three Premiership Clubs now. He failed win me over at Aston Villa, Newcastle, and finally Man City. Physically he looks as if he should be every bit as celebrated as Steven Gerrard. Somehow he just fails to inspire.”

Did I tell you or did I tell you…or did I tell you? Fuck, I’m tired.

--NOTE ON THE HOT GIRL STANDINGS: It is with deep regret that I must acknowledge that I took a piss between the 17^th and 18^th minutes of the Ukraine-Sweden. Apologies if I missed any cuties during this interval. I fell down on the job and will now, as an act of contrition, bang my head against the desk for one consecutive minute. Wait a second…did I just neglect the tally again?

Editor’s retroactive notes:

This is a serious breach of order. I apologize for an unforgivable dereliction of duty.

--The Ibrahimovic call sounds cool in German too. The Spanish draw it out for an:

“Iiiibrahiiimooivc”

Conversely, the Germans trash compact practically every other vowel for an:

“Ibrhimovch!”

Neat.

--Yarmolencko, Husyev, Voronin: Thanks for adding some color to the fixture during the lifeless stages. We were treated to fantastic shots of anticipatory female faces after all of those close calls. Slow motion meticulously chronicled the features as they descended from goal to grimace. Actually, that part wasn’t so cool after all. Score more quickly next time.

--Poor Shevchenko getting too old to finish his chances? Fat fucking chance. Two emphatic headers spoiled whatever Ibrihimovic and Rosenberg could muster. Bravo, old man. Bravo.

--Come closing gratitude is in order for both the Swedes and the Ukrainians. One ordinarily associates the color yellow with banality. Nevertheless you delivered a pulsating encounter that entertained from start to finish. By contrast, the Frogs and Limeys bored us worse than a PowerPoint Presentation on Sustainable Development. You’ve earned your curtain call. Bask in the standing ovation…..