Day 15: Recap
Record—
Spread: 8-19
Straight up: 12-10-5
Viva La Roja! Well done, Amigos. Thanks for the help in
meeting a literal last-minute spread. Okay. Care to know how we party with
Spanish fans here in Southwest Germany? Hmmmm…this piece of instructive
reportage may more accurately reflect how poorly we treat the French. No
matter. Both thrusts should be considered essential for anyone visiting the old
American sector.
“Ahem. First, it’s time to hop over the border to the Alsace
region of France. Pick up some rowdy Spaniards in Karlsruhe. One shouldn’t have
any trouble locating them, as they’re ubiquitous in this region. From there
it’s only about 10 km (6.2 miles) to…er…what has ALWAYS been France. Drive
another 60 km (37.3 Miles) to Romantic Strasbourg, the quaint and charming seat
of the European Parliament. Before even thinking about where to watch the game,
go see the famous Gothic Cathedral. Yes indeed, gentlemen. After what felt like
30 fucking years of reconstructive renovations, IT’S FINALLY FINISHED. Worth
the wait in every respect. Witness the imposing majesty of its intricate
carvings and finely detailed astronomical clock. You only have a construction
for another generation.
Allow yourself enough time to find a spot for the match, as
it will prove problematic. The people of the Alsace region possess a rather
dubious sense of identity, even after 60 plus years. The presence of the EU
Parliament means that it remains predominantly a city of ex-pats. In any event,
you’ll find more people standing in a public plaza listening to a single artist
spouting a dramatic French monologue than camped indoors watching television. As
tempting as it may be to ask the pretty French girls for directions, avoid
doing so as they will snicker at you for your shallow interests….or maybe it
has more to do with your appallingly bad command of the French language.
Finally, you’re now set to watch the game, together with a
bunch of bitter Frogs who will bang on tabletops, curse their own players ten
times more than cheering them, and say hilariously clichéd French things like,
“Le attack c’est le Merde!!”, “Attencion…..olala!!”, and “Zut, bon Dieu de
Merde!!”. Comfort them if you can with phrases like “dormir, ami.”, “Les Bleus
c’est bon” or, “Monte une caisse de
Bier!”
After the Frogs lose (and rest assured they will), it’s
carnival time, Strasbourg style. Citizens of most all European nations organize
a parade through the streets when their football team wins an important match. Time
to cram as many drunken enthusiasts into the car as possible. Don’t forget your
flags! Up and down the streets honking your car horn and screaming your
national pride at the top of your lungs until dawn. No one does this quite like
the Spanish. Whereas the Krauts have been known to get three cars in a row on
occasion, it’s a full-length Mardi Gras procession for the Spanish. Stick the
most expensive car out front and put two scorching senoritas with
exhibitionists tendencies in it. Have them wave and blow kisses to every last
passer by. Next come the convertibles. Load them up with yet more hotties with
garlands of red roses in their hair. Next comes the drop top bus and at least
five other cards with huge flags on them. If you still have room, give a
drunken Kraut who speaks no Spanish a five-meter wide Spanish flag and have him
bring up the rear with frantic chants of “Viva La Roja!”
Wow. I honestly can’t say enough about this amazing night.
What are all these Spanish beauties doing in Strasbourg?!? All I can think of
is the EU Parliament internship program can’t possibly be clean. Shame on you,
French fans! You deserved to lose with the utter lack of spirit I witnessed.
For that matter, shame on fans from EVERY OTHER European country (including
Germany). In my personal quest to obtain photographs of fans from all of the
sixteen participating countries, I’ve been flipped off, threatened with
violence, and asked if I worked for Google Street View. Sadly, my beloved
countrymen remain oddly paranoid and mostly averse to having their picture taken.
They want to know if I work for a magazine or some sort of intelligence
service. This never happens with the Spanish. They smile and wave WITHOUT
EXCEPTION. Everyone else could stand to get in the spirit of things. C’mon and
join the party.
In totally unrelated news….fuck it….I’m moving to Spain. Get
the couch ready, culés. You know how to have a good time. Nothing more
important. Don’t let those imbecilic EU Policy wonks fuck with you. I’ve got
your back.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
And what a night it was!
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Ukraine
|
101
|
3 (finished)
|
Greece
|
70
|
4 (finished)
|
Spain
|
66
|
4
|
France
|
61
|
4 (finished)
|
Germany
|
52
|
4
|
Poland
|
51
|
3 (finished)
|
Sweden
|
49
|
3 (finished)
|
Ireland
|
44
|
3 (finished)
|
Portugal
|
38
|
4
|
Russia
|
32
|
3 (finished)
|
England
|
26
|
3
|
Croatia
|
22
|
3 (finished)
|
Italy
|
21
|
3
|
Netherlands
|
21
|
3 (finished)
|
Czech Republic
|
20
|
4 (finished)
|
Denmark
|
15
|
3 (finished)
|
No, the Strasbourg senoritas don’t count. They weren’t on
the international broadcast. Only by counting those on the telecast can I
verifiably confirm that, no, I’m not dreaming….
Ramble
On, Vicey
--French fans are notoriously hard on their own players.
Quite a bit of Froggy teetering in the pub after Xavi Alonso scored the opener.
One woman (insofar as I could make out) deemed it all Hugo Lloris’s fault.
Damn, girl. Were we watching the same play? It was Debuchy’s fault! Cut your
best player’s dick off why don’t you?
--Let’s just call it the “Debuchy Disaster”. He fucked up
again, three times in quick succession after the restart. 52nd, 55th,
and 59th. The UEFA wrap up references the “re-enforced” midfield featuring Debuchy and Malouda.
It states that this turned out to be a “surprise” weakness. Er…excuse me? What
the sacre-bleauing fuck happened to Nasri and Menez? What sort of lineup was
this Blanc? Your “V-Shaped” 4-5-1 was horribly deficient to begin with. Without
no true central midfielders, all this Frog side can do is hope to work the
flanks. La Roja could easily diffuse even the minimal threat you presented by
double-teaming Ribery. Were you playing to lose?
--While the French suffered from the lack of a true central
midfielder, La Roja continue to struggle without a true central striker. Del
Bosque re-introduced the Iniesta-Fabregas-David Silva access to little fanfare.
Fabregas as the “faux” center-forward simply won’t work. I’ll rerun what I
wrote about Spain during the quarterfinals section:
Gut
check time for the Pillsbury Doughboy. Del Bosque has to do something bold if
he wishes to keep this mercurial mesh afloat. So the triplicate midfield axis
of Silva-Fabregas-Iniesta didn't work….or so they say. I thought it appeared to
be clicking and needed more time. Torres as center forward initially produced
favorable results, but we got a glimpse at how much his form has truly dropped
as he made horrible touch after vomit-inducing touch during the Croat match. To
my mind, del Bosque must either restore the triplicate midfield axis or pick a
new striker. La Roja cannot afford to wait and see if Torres can gain early
traction and thereby crucial confidence.
Ordinarily
this would not even constitute an issue. The striking third of the bench
features no fewer than four other attractive options. Pedro, Juan Mata, and
Llorente haven’t left the bench. Negredo came in for an impressive one-minute
time-stalling ploy in the waning moments of the Croat game. Dropping any one of
these admittedly capable strikers into the fray when they haven’t even logged
any minutes in this competition may very well be asking too much. They will
need at least one half to integrate themselves into the pace. Again, time La
Roja do not have. This pickle, combined with an exhausted midfield, means we
may very well herald the end of the Spanish Superdynasty as soon as Saturday.
For
now, a lowly bookie must give the inventiveness of players such as Silva,
Iniesta, the Xavis, and proven super-subs Fabregas and Jesus Navas the benefit
of the doubt. Surely they will find some way to climb ahead early and maintain
their lead. Consider yourselves warned, however. It becomes impossible to
envision this squad repeating if del Bosque can’t find a way to get the rest of
the striking corps involved.
Little occurred during this match to alter my opinion. Pedro
and Torres were virtually non-existent in relief. Iniesta did a fabulous job of
picking out Jordi Alba, whose cross over a flat-on-his ass Debuchy to Xavi
Alonso was a real beut. We still need a striker, Amigos. The Spanish short
passing game remains as beautiful as it is unrivaled.
The Spanish strategy, not wholly removed from that in
previous years, centers around maintaining possession through a long sequence
of admittedly flashy criss-cross passes until the opponent tires out. This
might yet work against the Navigators on Wednesdays. It’s worked against the
Krauts two tournaments in a row. It won’t work this time. We’ve got plenty left
in the tank after Löw’s moves. You won’t out-run us this time.
--Christ, what another gem from Casillas. Perfect
positioning to force Cabaye’s missile over in the 32nd. He was
stupendous on the ensuing corner as well. I don’t know how he retained
possession. Menacingly brave keeping again in the 70th. In
summation, the man is a living legend. I’m personally embarrassed I ever
suggested Pepe.
--Great coordinated effort from the Spanish back four as
well. Sergio Ramos in particular is having a fantastic tournament. Awesome
tackle in the 30th. It’s the power of that new haircut.
--Busquets needs a break. Man did he ever squander a golden
opportunity in the 22nd. He ran poorly all game. Save him for the
final if possible. Let Juan Mata hold down the fort in his absence.
--Professor Pete’s Office Hours: 12:30-12:45, every other
Wednesday. If you knock on the door and a booming voice responds “No one is in
here. You are wasting your time. Go away”….it’s only your imagination.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Sorry to hate on professors for their inability to
provide reasonable Office Hours….but they had it coming.
Spain
Iker Casillas
|
A+
|
Xavi Alonso
|
A+
|
Sergio Ramos
|
A+
|
Andres Iniesta
|
A
|
Jordi Alba
|
A
|
Alvaro Arbeola
|
A-
|
Gerard Pique
|
A-
|
Cesc Fabregas
|
B-
|
David Silva
|
B-
|
Xavi Hernandez
|
B-
|
Pedro Rodriguez
|
B-
|
Fernando Torres
|
C+
|
Sergio Busquets
|
C
|
No marks for Santi Carzola, whom I barely saw.
France
Frank Ribery
|
A+
|
Hugo Lloris
|
A
|
Yohan Cabaye
|
A-
|
Karim Benzema
|
B+
|
Yann M’Vila
|
B
|
Gael Clichy
|
B
|
Oliver Giroud
|
B
|
Jeremy Menez
|
B-
|
Samir Nasri
|
B-
|
Abdel Rami
|
C+
|
Florent Malouda
|
C
|
Anthony Reveilleire
|
C-
|
Laurent Koscieleny
|
C-
|
Mathieu Debuchy
|
D
|
Guess I can’t quite flunk him, although it was tempting as
hell.
--Gotta run, now syndicate brothers. The Italians and
English can’t drink all that beer by themselves….
