EM 2012--Day Ten Recap

Day 10: Recap

Record—

Spread: 4-16

Straight up: 6-9-5

None and done for the Dutch. Easily the biggest dud in European Championship history. The Oranje might as well be decked out in yellow, for a more sputtering lemon I’ve not yet seen. Black seemed the appropriate attire for the final group match. A funeral for a talent miscarriage. C. Ronaldo should have scored four. Rest in pieces, Flying Dutchmen. What a fucking debacle.

Some tense moments in the Fatherland. With the Navigators leading 2-1 and the Northern German Derby tied 1-1, the Mannschaft hovered close to the Event Horizon. One more Danish goal and we would have been eliminated. Thankfully, the fairy-tale heroics of Lars Bender helped us avert the abyss. Replays following him confirm that he never stopped running after his fine defensive tackle. All the way down pitch, his Lahm-like intuition was sublime. Past midfield totally unmarked. Past the unaware Christian Poulsen, the spent Jacob Poulsen, and the winded Simon Poulsen. Past all three of the Poulsens to an extremely unorthodox position for a fullback, where he claimed an Özil pass to long for Klose. Blühe Deutsches Vaterland!

Editor’s retroactive notes:

It’s looking increasingly unlikely that I’ll shut up about this goal so long as I live.

Hot Girl Standings---

Country	Tally	Games Played
Ukraine	64	2
Poland	51	3 (finished)
Russia	32	3 (finished)
Greece	31	3
France	28	2
Sweden	27	2
Portugal	26	3
Germany	25	3
Ireland	24	2
Netherlands	21	3 (finished)
Spain	20	2
Denmark	15	3 (finished)
England	13	2
Croatia	12	2
Italy	11	2
Czech Republic	9	3

Apropos Dutch disasters, the country that finished second in our Chicas Competition with 98 hot girls in 2010 will now almost certainly finish second-to-last with a paltry 21. The Danes also take a giant step backwards. They finished with 20 after three games in 2010. Tsk. Tsk. Not a good year to abut the Fatherland. We’ll have to do better next time, neighbors. Bring your hotties to the games! It doesn’t matter if they don’t like football. They’ll have fun regardless!

Ramble on, Vicey.

--Those who fail to learn from history are destined to repeat it:

Initial Group Projection (5/29/2012)

1) Netherlands

2) Germany

3) Portugal

4) Denmark

Final Group Projection (6/15/2012)

1) Germany

2) Portugal

3) Denmark

4) Netherlands

Actual Group Standings (6/17/2012)

1) Germany

2) Portugal

3) Denmark

4) Netherlands

Final Analysis: What’s this? Something actually went as planned? Hold on a second. This can’t be right. The universe must have confused me with some other Peter Weis..like the guy I met this evening. No joke.

--Bit of razzle-dazzle from van der Vaart, who gave us a taste of his long-range prowess in the 11^th, and nearly equalized from the same spot late in the second 45. What a force this team might have been had he initially been given Afellay, van Bommel, or De Jong’s spot.

--I’ll credit van Marwijk with a decent selection. He put it all on the line with a 4-2-3-1 that featured Jan Huntelaar as the lone center forward. Robben, van Persie, and Sneijder backed him up with De Jong and van der Vaart filling the set-up roles. The Heitinga injury was ill timed, leaving the central defense in the hands of the Tyro Vlaar and a still not 100 percent fit Mathisjen. The crisp passing of the audacious forward front lasted all of fifteen minutes, before Pereira, Ronaldo and Meirelis began to exploit the weak spot in the back line. Kudos on an innovative approach. I still look forward to seeing you in the unemployment line. Time to bring van Basten back perhaps?

--As worn out as the consistent Navigator eleven might be, they still look damn good. Ronaldo struck the post twice, cut through three Dutch challengers like they were butter left out on the table for over a day, a made Stekelenburg sprawl with a vicious header. Nani and Postiga came within millimeters of a tally. Coentrao and Moutinho were on the receiving end of gorgeous crosses supplied by Ronaldo, a force on the flanks throughout as if he wasn’t doing enough. You’ve less than four days to devise a solution to this, Czechs. Might as well start looking forward to the International Hockey Championships.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

What a lousy reference. The Czechs haven’t won the IIHF Championship since….2010? Really? Okay. It was a decent reference after all. Forgive me if I found myself embarrassed after a Czech Fan wrote me a diatribe concerning how the glory days of Czech Hockey were over. IN YOUR FACE! I had it right all along!

--Still more post-mortem Dutch talk to come. For now suffice to say that this is the first time they’ve failed to clear the group stages since 1980. Ugh. Though the failure to qualify in 2002 might have smarted more, this has to hurt like a rail spike to the scrotum. Welche Tieren schießen kein Tore? Robben.

--Trotting out the same eleven for three consecutive matches? Yeah, I’d say Paulo Bento has the cushiest job in all of football.

--Go, Greeks go. The elephant in the room on this sunny morn is that the Greeks have given us a workable coalition! Exhale, Europe. Exhale, exhale, exhale. 

--As inspired a choice as Bender turned out to be, I must scold Löw for not giving anyone else a day off. Tournament football is unimaginably rough. Three matches in seven days? With only four days left before the quarterfinal clash, I’m concerned for the overall fitness level of the following players:

1) Mesut Özil

Just look at his face. He and Lahm both look red and sunken after giving it their all. I carry a similar face after running for 90. It takes a solid three days before the soreness dissipates.

2) Thomas Müller

Taking nothing away from him. It was indeed an extraordinary save from Stephan Andersen in the 6^th. Nevertheless he needed to come pout well before the 84^th. His placement was all over the pace, a bigger mess than a chronic masturbator underneath a ceiling fan.

3) Sami Khedira

By no means the dullest knife in the drawer, he was less than sharp in both his positioning and midfield conducting. Give him an extended rest cure over the break.

4) Bastian Schweinsteiger

Schweine’s season-long struggle with injury cannot help but induce heart palpitations anytime one sees him running. How much pressure can that reconstructed ankle take? I’d feel more comfortable if we made doubly sure that he’s not pushing on it too hard.

Everyone else looks good in spite of the logged minutes. Lahm hinted that he’s close to establishing his forward game. Brave precision tackles from Badstuber. Another fine match from Hummels, who appears in no danger of running out of ideas.

--Hey, Gomez can engineer a sweet cutback pass as well. No worries with respect to “Super Mario”. Löw has managed his minutes well.

--Way to go Poldi. Looking forward to watching you at the Emirates next season! You’ll look great in front of Niklas Bendtner, who had another exceptional game.

--Professor Pete hands out the grades…on time for a change.

Manuel Neuer	A+
Lars Bender	A+
Mats Hummels	A
Holger Badstuber	A
Lucas Podolski	A
Mario Gomez	B+
Phillip Lahm	B+
Mesut Özil	B
Sami Khedira	B-
Bastian Schweinsteiger	B-
Thomas Müller	C

With respect to the substitutes, a strong half hour from Andreas Schürrle, quick on the ball and well integrated into the pace. Very discouraging performance from Klose, who did not run well at all. Though we only saw Toni Kroos for all of eight minutes, he nearly orchestrated a goal minutes from time. Good, good. Roll on Vaterland.

Editor’s retroactive notes:

Sigh…if only Kroos had performed better in the Semi-finals. ; (

--HUGE day today, syndicate members. Set two TVs up for yourself and keep assaulting the keys. We’ll want to be touch for both of these very intriguing matches. Multi-taking time……