Day 12: Recap
Record—
Spread: 6-18
Straight up: 9-10-5
Shoddy officiating rears its ugly head. Was that a goal that
John Terry cleared off the in the 61st? I’m afraid the answer is an
emphatic “over the line. Ukraine equalizes”. Even more disconcerting, UEFA has
removed any mention of the botched call from their website and omitted the clip
from their official highlights. Why can’t a football governing body simply
admit when they fuck up? It’s not as if the Hungarian linesmen had it easy
given those sightlines. For you instant replay proponents, I must insist that
we remain fine without it. Goal line technology would have allowed that mistake
to be rectified without delaying the match.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
It’s true. Though the English ultimately deserved to win
the match, THAT WAS A GOAL GODAMMIT!!
A somewhat bitter aftertaste this morn as both co-hosts exit
the tournament in the group stages for the second consecutive year. Add to this
South Africa’s failure to reach the knockout stages and we haven’t seen the
home field force since Germany in 2006. Not to despair. Over the next ten years
we should only have to reckon with this letdown once – 2022 in Qatar. By then
I’ll be nearly forty, far too old to still be counting the cuties in the
stands.
A pulsating curtain call from the Swedes. One for the old
guard (Ibrihimovic in the 54th) and one for the next generation (Sebastian
Larsson in the 91st). Though the Frogs were without Menez or Cabaye,
their progress through the quarterfinals has been thrown into serious doubt.
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Ukraine
|
101
|
3 (finished)
|
Poland
|
51
|
3 (finished)
|
Sweden
|
49
|
3 (finished)
|
Spain
|
46
|
3
|
Ireland
|
44
|
3 (finished)
|
France
|
44
|
3
|
Russia
|
32
|
3 (finished)
|
Greece
|
31
|
3
|
Portugal
|
26
|
3
|
England
|
26
|
3
|
Germany
|
25
|
3
|
Croatia
|
22
|
3 (finished)
|
Italy
|
21
|
3
|
Netherlands
|
21
|
3 (finished)
|
Denmark
|
15
|
3 (finished)
|
Czech Republic
|
9
|
3
|
The Zbirna leave us quite the legacy. Disney has long since assured that the number “101” carries with it its own scarcely definable connotations. With over double the count of the next active team, one might augur…..nay. Two teams have three matches left. It will prove difficult to hang on. An estimated 30-40 other Ukrainian girls did not make the list, as much as I wanted to include them out of general principle. Bring your girls to games, people! Thus far it’s largely been a sausage fest for the Limeys and Wops.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
They’d only end up losing by a hair.
To be completely fair to the Limeys, they did amass a record
number this evening. Perhaps the ladies have been there all along, but the
cameramen have – quite stupidly – been too fixated on the game. Another strong
showing for the “come hither” French girls. One must still caution you to be
wary of those pouty madams, gentlemen. Their shame washes off in the shower.
Yours never will.
Ramble
on, Vicey.
--There’s a tense other than the past, present, or future.
Regrettably, I’ve forgotten what it’s called.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Copyright Lutz Weis, 2007.
Initial
Group Projection (6/1/2012)
1)
Sweden
2)
France
3)
England
4) The
Ukraine
Final
Group Projection (6/15/2012)
1)
France
2)
England
3) The
Ukraine
4)
Sweden
Actual
Group Standings (6/19/2012)
1)
England
2) France
3) The
Ukraine
4)
Sweden
Final
Analysis: Hmph. The projection MIGHT have been correct had that legitimate goal
been allowed. Now you’ve up and done it, UEFA. Vicey MAD. Vicey SMASH.
Vicey…break hand.
--Tough break for the Lebensraumers, losing Shevchenko,
Nazarenko, and Voronin to injury moments before kickoff. The first two were
able to overcome “kneecap fluid” for late second-half substitutions. Someone
needs to explain this concept of “kneecap fluid” to me. What is it exactly?
Yellow bile?
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
One day karma will punish me with “kneecap fluid”. It’s
going to suck harder than Nancy Reagan on a cocaine bender.
--Duh. Stupid Vicey spent multiple paragraphs pontificating
on how Rooney might be re-inserted into the lineup, only to be reminded that
all “the coach who shall not be named” had to do was follow the blueprint Sir
Alex Fergusson has been using at Old Trafford all season. Rooney at
short-striker, Wellbeck up top. Dope, dope, dope.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
A source of great pride: That was only my 4,378th
COMPLETELY WRONG prediction of the tournament.
--Four days ago I remarked that Yarmolenko has come down
with a case of the “Jackson Pollacks”. The poor bastard never fails to take at
least two touches too many when gifted possession. He did so again facing the
Three Lions. He did so in the 11th, the 13th, the 27th,
the 41st, the 59th, the 73rd, the 88th
and the 91st. Have I mentioned the 68th? Well, I suppose
I have now. Of course he should have scored in the 61st. There’s
snakebit, there’s voodooed, and then there’s Yarmolenko.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Poor bastard. THAT WAS A GOAL GODAMMIT!!
--Ohhhhh….snap. Oleh Husyev shaved the woodwork in the 21st.
Milivesky whizzed it millimeters over in the 60th. Lucky, lucky
Lions. Since when are things felicitous for you on the pitch?
--As anyone might have presaged, Rooney had a bit of rust to
shake off. He skewed headers wide in the 23rd and 27th.
The breakthrough three minutes after the restart had less to do with his target
practice then with the hash Pyatov made out of that cross. Yikes. Total miscue
from Kacheridi as well. That ball should have been cleared.
--Frenetic final minutes as I refused to eliminate the
Ukrainians from quarterfinal contention until injury time approached. The
scrawled cursive in my notebook reads, “Now were calling it.” Time of Death: 88
minutes.
--Let’s talk Toivonen. The PSV forward will be the future
face of the Blaugults. Good header in the 2nd, a shaky pass in the 8th,
a sure-to-be-broadly discussed miss of a goal after rounding Isaakson in the 10th.
He was mostly quiet thereafter until being subbed out in the 74th.
Sketchy performances from future baton wielders Toivonen, Ben Afra, and Yann
M’Vila. They’ve some way to travel yet.
--Horrendous game for “two tickets” Mexes. It was his blown
marking that set up the Toivonen chance. He fucked up royally twice more before
the half was out, consistently failing to mount halfway decent aerial chances.
What’ the matter there pretty boy? Too much time sculpting the guns and not
enough perfecting your leaps? I know the girlies love those muscles, but they
appear to weighing you down. In any event, his suspension from the next fixture
on double yellows is a blessing in disguise. Keep him the hell away from the
weight room! Give him a jump rope and tell him to reconfigure his spring.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Mexes bicycled in a beauty for A.C. Milan in the
Champion’s League this season. He also scored his first goal for Berlusconi’s
boys late in the season. He’ll be back next Summer. Two tickets to the gun show
anyone?
--Another lionhearted match by the indomitable Ribery. Oh
Frank. I know you’d do it all yourself if you could.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
The man remains too good for his boots. All hail Ribery!
--Finally, it is with great sadness that we mark the passing
of French play-by-play announcer Thierry Roland. From 1962 onward he called
thirteen World Cups and nine European championships. Homages to his legendary
voice are springing up all over Youtube. I’ll personally never forget the
France vs. Spain match in the 2006 World Cup Round of 16. Zidane scored a
brilliant goal deep into injury time and Viera waved him over to the fans for a
touching encore. Roland described it with a soft touch that still exhibited his
trademark flair.
Play-by-play announcers are nothing short of Gods. They
instill every special moment of these tournaments with the gravitas that
ensures we’ll never forget how privileged we were to watch. This is why I watch
goal calls in as many languages as possible. We were all sad to learn that
Roland’s declining health would preclude him from traveling to Poland and the
Ukraine. Such a double whammy to learn that he has now left us forever. Hurry
up and savor these montages before some $15 per hour girl sitting in a cubicle
(whom I likely ghostwrote through undergrad) takes down the videos for
copyright infringement.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Somewhere off in an alternate dimension, your friendly
bookie Vicey is delivering quality sports play-by-play…..once or twice a week.
In another dimension, he’s a mediocre professor who still manages to delivery
quality assistance to students……from time-to-time. In yet another dimension,
he’s farming quality grapes in the Pfalz…..every other harvest season. Look.
It’s only in this dimension that he’s writing The Syndicate. It could be worse.
In another dimension he’s parking cars. In other dimensions he’s already killed
himself. Focus on this dimension. It’s the only dimension you’ll ever
experience ;). Your friendly bookie has nothing else to say about other
dimensions, other than the fact that he’s convinced that he’s inconsistent in
every last one of them.
