Day 2: Recap
Record—
Spread: 0-4
Straight up: 1-2-1
Yikes! In over ten years of keeping a book I’ve never gotten
off to such an atrocious start. Not that I’ll soon be in the market for a pot
to piss in or anything, but we’ve got to do a better job handicapping these
games…or not. I look forward to collecting money from Irish and Italian fans
later today, even if my oddsmaking stats suffer.
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Poland
|
10
|
1
|
Russia
|
7
|
1
|
Germany
|
7
|
1
|
Greece
|
4
|
1
|
Netherlands
|
3
|
1
|
Portugal
|
2
|
1
|
Denmark
|
1
|
1
|
Czech Republic
|
0
|
1
|
Plenty of action on the field means less focusing in on the
stands. Don’t be fooled by the broad swaths of dudes being transmitted via the
international feed. Rest assured that the female football fans are out there.
In some places I’ve
“Ramble On, Vicey”---
--The German Fan Mile harkens back to the sacred tribal
ecstasy of huddling together at dusk and making complete fools out of oneself
with silly dances….and that’s enough anthropology for today.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Damn.
Sorry, Dad.
--The most salient advice I’ve yet to impart: Stay away from
the Wurstsalat. Though you may consider yourself a forgiving person, your
stomach won’t confer amnesty so easily.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
One
grows old and things get taken from you. I miss my youthful stomach. It could
take just about anything. At this point, my “old guy” stomach rejects crackers
and a chicken salad. What the hell was wrong with that? What the
subjective-digestive-reasoning fuck was wrong with chicken salad? Damn you,
stomach. I know it’s only going to get worse. As if your inability to digest
corn wasn’t enough!
--Is anyone else tired of looking at Morten Olsen? If I
wanted to stare incessantly at a cross between Joachim Gauck and my father,
there’s always Hans Beinholtz.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Hehehe.
Getting bored? Try staring into the nothingness and silently screaming at the
horror of your non-existence.
--Suppose I could have done a better job anticipating Van
Marwijk’s lineup selection (Robben, Afellay, and Ron Vlaar in lieu of Jan
Huntelaar, Van der Vaart, Kuyt). Ah hell. As Dr. Steven Weinberg puts it, “the
more the universe seems comprehensible, the more it seems pointless.” Moreover,
languid finishing forced him to bring all three in eventually. Ha! Perhaps I
was right all along.
--It doesn’t get any more frustrating than thirteen Dutch
near misses. For the sake of posterity, they must be chronicled in full.
1) Van Persie miffs the first touch on Sneijder’s cutting
pass with only Andersen to beat.
2) Robben strikes the left post.
3) Afellay whizzes one millimeters over the left corner.
4) Jetro Willens scorches one that shaves the woodwork.
5) Robben hesistates for a full four seconds before opting
for a rather dull pass from an impossible angle.
6) Simon Kjaer at full stretch gets a toe to a perfect
Sneijder cutback with Afellay lurking.
7) Van Persie uncharacteristically whiffs on a perfect ball
swung into the area, landing flat on his ass.
8) Van Bommel launches a tracer bullet from thirty yards
that Anderson just barely gets a paw to.
9) Johnny Heitinga heads a corner onto the roof of the net.
10) Robben again, this time with a poor header off a very
dangerous Sneijder cross.
11) Jan Huntelaar latches onto one of the best precision
through balls I’ve ever seen, only to take too many touches and allow Anderson
to re-position himself.
12) Van Persie points to where on the pitch he wants the
forward pass. Sneijder obliges, but van Persie can’t catch up to it.
13) Van der Vaart receives a cheeky back heel only to power
over the crossbar.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Here's
my New Year’s resolution: Next year I resolve to begin fewer sentences with the
clausal words, “For the sake of posterity”
This baker’s dozen of golden opportunities, all of which
could have easily translated to tallies, illustrate how mind-blowingly
formidable this Oranje side is. Yesterday’s result notwithstanding, they remain
the clear favorites to take home the prize. I’m frankly scared shitless about
the match up on Wednesday. A German victory seems all but impossible, given
that it would eliminate the best team in the tournament.
--Keep your legs together, “Slutty Stekelenburg”! This isn’t
hockey. Keepers shouldn’t be beaten “five-hole”.
--Someone needs to explain to me why footballers making
$250,000 a week still feel the need to rake in the endorsement dough. Why is
Oliver Kahn pitching Bratwurst? Isn’t Schweine doing well enough financially to
turn down the offer from Right Guard? Poldi can afford a Porsche even without
the check from Axe Body Spray. Yes, yes. I get. Mercedes is the official car of
our Nationalelf. “A für Angriff”. Clever, Klugscheiße.
--Bringschuld Baby! Way to prove us all wrong Boateng. From
the gorgeous early cross for Gomez to that crucial back tackle of Ronaldo, you
played your heart out. Way to kick ass!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Bringschuld
may be loosely translated as: “Hope you had some great sex. Don’t forget to
show up for work tomorrow.” Ordinarily, it’s the long German word that can be
tersely translated into English. Here we encounter a short German word that
requires a long English definition. Go figure.
--The Navigators with the “Flying V”. Hey, you guys aren’t
the Mighty Ducks!
--In a spot of backdated news, explanations for the
surprisingly decisive Russian victory abound. Could it be that shifting the
Russian Premier League to a Winter Schedule, thereby syncing it with the rest
of Europe kept, the players fit? Personally, I can recall thinking that was the
dumbest fucking idea since Operation Barbarosa. As if synthetic turf weren’t
punishing enough you want to send these guys out to play in Absolute Zero? I
stand corrected.
--Plenty of surprises in Löw’s starting eleven. I was taken
aback to learn that
1) Birthday boy Klose would make way for Mario Gomez.
2) Matt Hummels would take Mertesacker’s place.
3) Schweine was even walking, let alone starting.
4) Löw would keep faith in Poldi over Reus.
Overall, the unexpected moves proved courage and paid
dividends. Here are my grades:
Manuel Neuer
|
A+
|
Matt Hummels
|
A+
|
Jerome Boateng
|
A
|
Holger Badstuber
|
B+
|
Sami Khedira
|
B
|
Mario Gomez
|
B
|
Bastian Schweinsteiger
|
B-
|
Thomas Müller
|
C+
|
Phillip Lahm
|
C+
|
Meshut Özil
|
C
|
Lucas Podolski
|
C-
|
--Not that we’d like to transform this into a “Book of
Lists”, but I feel compelled to defend the notion that the Germans were somehow
“lucky” to escape with a win. True, Pepe’s effort that hit the underside of the
crossbar and fell directly on the line was a spot a bad luck, but some truly
superb defending kept it 1-0, particularly in the final stages. Ahem. I call to
your attention:
1) The aforementioned Boateng back tackle of Ronaldo. He was
clearly beat, yet somehow managed to back pedal and work in a fair challenge
directly onto the ball.
2) Matt Hummels with the magnificent defensive heading.
Early on he headed away a needlepoint cross from Contreao looking for Postiga.
In the waning moments of the match, he kept his cool to glance away Pereira
looking for Oliviera.
3) Neuer’s sprawl save on Varela was pure poetry. The young
question mark from 2010 has fully blossomed into one the best keepers in the
world.
Any Navigator fans out there should remain extremely proud
of their team. They still look to be in top form. You’ll diffuse the Danish
Dynamite and put Olsen’s Eleven back in their place. No worries.
--Anyone interested in the 3D Video Game Recreation of the
Gomez Goal can find it here:
Who are these guys in the newsroom, whose job description
includes firing up the Playstation to mimic actual goals? More to the point,
where shall I send my CV?
--Final count on the number of shots of Jose Mourinho in the
stands: 3,421. That’s Nicholson territory!
--Enjoy the Irish and Spanish matches everyone. We’ve got a
star studded Sunday in store…..
