Monday, June 18, 2012

EM 2012--Day Eleven Recap


Day 11: Recap

EM 2012 (Classic)
Record—
Spread: 5-17
Straight up: 8-9-5

Congratulations, Wops. Never before in my life have I been more overjoyed to fork over money to a bunch of greasy Guineas. Why am I so uncharacteristically convivial? Because you rid us of those filthy human turds known as the Croats. They smell like shit. They act like shit. Their flare-happy fans should be rounded up and systematically executed. I suggest asphyxiation via Road Flare Smoke. Yes, I’m advocating death by gas chamber. No, I will not apologize. Those human beings with no respect for others with whom they share the world might as well have their license to exist revoked.


Editor’s retroactive notes:
Grrrr…the Croats have more or less secured a playoff spot, second only to Belgium in a appallingly weak group. Dammit. They’re coming back. Fuck me. 

Whew, La Roja! No shortage of nervy moments during the second 45. Casillas saved your ass in the 58th and again in the 78th. I personally have had the “Why not Pepe?” question decisively answered. Were it not for his immaculate positioning, del Bosque and the boys would be on the first flight back to Madrid. A bit of controversy in both matches this evening, but the deserving side won in both instances. A great victory for justice over notoriously bad football officiating. Let us all rejoice.


Editor’s retroactive notes:
Pepe should finally get his chance next summer…unless Iker steps it up this season.

Hot Girl Standings---
Country
Tally
Games Played
Ukraine
64
2
Poland
51
3 (finished)
Spain
46
3
Ireland
44
3 (finished)
Russia
32
3 (finished)
Greece
31
3
France
28
2
Sweden
27
2
Portugal
26
3
Germany
25
3
Croatia
22
3 (finished)
Italy
21
3
Netherlands
21
3 (finished)
Denmark
15
3 (finished)
England
13
2
Czech Republic
9
3

Incredible stats amassed by the Roja Chicas. Not only did they rack up an imposing Hot Girl count of 26, over half of those captured cameras blew kisses. Oh yes. The Spanish girls know what it’s all about. They know cameramen picked them out because they’re gorgeous. They know millions of men are commenting on their beauty to millions of other men as they nurse their respective beers. They know their role. They’re familiar with their part. Fuck waving hi to mom or nudging your boyfriend to alert him of your newfound fame. Blow us a kiss, sweetheart. It’s your time to shine. You’re the star.


Editor’s retroactive notes:
Such a shame there’s no afterlife. I wouldn’t even want the Spanish Chicas to so much as touch me. Just blow me kisses all afternoon. That’s enough. 

No, Casillas’ girlfriend does NOT count. She never does. We count neither royalty nor celebrity. After his stud-like effort tonight, however, I believe he deserves every last bit of the nastiness awaiting him in room 4G. Spit or swallow, girl. It honestly doesn’t matter. Just take care of the hero of Spanish hopes. On an even crasser/stranger note, one of the Spanish Franciscan nuns watching the game was included in the tally. I do believe this is the first time a Bride of Christ has made it into the Hot Girl Standings. She may be married to God, but that didn’t preclude her from stealing my heart.

Surprisingly weak numbers put up thus far by the Italians. Something tells me they’ll catch up. That something happens to be ten years of experience. Fine farewell from all the Bonnies, Lorennas, Colleens, and Collettes. Well done, lasses. I miss you already. Keep those kisses coming, Chicas!

Ramble on, Vicey.

--Anyone in a retroactive mood?:

Initial Group Projection (5/30/2012)

1) Spain
2) Italy
3) Croatia
4) Ireland

Final Group Projection (6/15/2012)

1) Spain
2) Italy
3) Croatia
4) Ireland

Actual Group Standings (6/18/2012)

1) Spain
2) Italy
3) Croatia
4) Ireland

Final Analysis: Your eyes do not deceive. Correctly projected nearly three weeks in advance. Savor the flavor, Vicey. Surely this won’t happen again.

--Silly Prandelli. How many times must I emphasize that Balotelli was meant to start? You went with Di Natale, just as I assumed your dumb ass would do. You finally came to your senses in the 74th. It took Mr. “Why Always Me?” less than a quarter of an hour to make Wellbeck’s back heel look like child’s play. Finish of the tournament from Balotelli in the 90th. He turned in a corner with a perfect 90-degree tricycle. Sorry, Wops. Your best player hails from Ghana.


Editor’s retroactive notes:
Errrrrmm…kina wish I hadn’t written this. Even if Prandelli came as close to reading it as your cat comes close to diving into a swimming pool, it almost feels as if I jinxed the Mannschaft.

--Nice gesture from Trappatoni sticking with his starting eleven. Even nicer of him to give Damien Duff the armband. The Irish were never in it to win it. It was just as well that he treated his players like a supportive father.

--We have a three-way tie for today’s “Floppin Wop” Award:

1) After Kevin Doyle disposed him with a perfectly clean slide tackle in the 15th, Andrea Pirlo elected to kick Doyle in the shins. Following this provocation he immediately fell to the pitch and commenced whining like a little bitch. No matter that he instigated the contact. Guys with two-inch dicks must always be the victims. He dove again some twenty minutes later. Truly a historic match between the most honorable footballers out there and a bunch of cheating pricks.

2) After elbowing Richard Dunne in the throat during a spot of dirty jostling around the 34th, Giorgio Chelleni covered his face as if he had been hit and cried like an infant. Seems fair, Giorgio. His throat got in the way of your precious elbow. How dare he impair the hand that you use to tussle your hair?

3) Federico Balzaretti hurt his chin. Sure, he hurt climbing all over Glen Whelan’s back in a position he had no business being in. Pretty boy still hurt his chin and he needs you to feel sorry for him. Time to pout like only a Wop can. Pout some more, pretty boy.


Editor’s retroactive notes:
Can’t wait to dispense this Summer’s “Flopping Wop Award”. I’ve got my eyes on Andrea Barzagli as the odds-on favorite. ; )

--So often we find ourselves inserting appallingly bad officiating into the match talking points. This evening we should give it up for the assistants after they did a superb job noticing that Cassano’s goal crosses the line. This could have been Germany vs. England all over again. Instead, they got it right. Bravo, Turkish team.

--Monumental effort put in by the Irish back four. Sean St. Ledger made three vital tackles in addition to clearing a sure Balzaretti goal off the line. Richard Dunne’s challenge of Di Natale in space was pure poetry. Ward and O’Shea closed ranks when it counted.

--A bit of frustration displayed by Keith Andrews in the 89th. Guess he couldn’t quite forgive himself for allowing Bonnucci to slip through. Merely an instance of exaggerated self-flagellation. No malice involved.

--Fuck you, Croats! Flares in the 6th and again in the 51st. That’s it, UEFA. Suspend them from ALL future tournaments. No more Blazers. They don’t belong. Kick them out of Europe and let them play in the Middle East. That's where their juvenile asses belong. Take action now. Kick them out for good.



Editor’s retroactive notes:
DIE!!!!! DIIIIIEEEE!!!!!

--A wholly un-encouraging match from Iniesta. A weak finish in the 11th. Well wide of the mark in the 24th. Difficulty establishing himself on the left flank all night. While the Torres yanking in the 61st came as no surprise, del Bosque’s replacement of David Silva in the 74th was much more curious. Why not give Iniesta a break? To say his game was off would be far too generous.

--Okay. The German broadcasting consensus held that Sergio Ramos’s tackle of Mandzukic just inside the right of the penalty area in the 28th should have merited a spot kick. Sorry, but I couldn’t disagree more. Wolfgang Stark got it ABSOLUTELY correct. Ramos’s slide won the ball with pinpoint accuracy. After this stupendous, not to mention COMPLETELY CLEAN tackle, Mandzukic tripped over Ramos by his own accord. Replays fail to convince me otherwise. How is it that experienced broadcasters got this so THOROUGHLY wrong? By osmosis they should know more about the game than I do. It was an excellent challenge. To my mind anyone watching Ramos clear the ball seconds before contact was made should draw the same conclusion. Was there some bias for Bundesliga star Mandzukic? If that were the case, surely it should have been overruled by bias for Stark. NO FOUL! PERIOD! Ramos got ball all the way.


Editor’s retroactive notes:
Subjective reviews of tackling…sorry, but it’s part of what makes football so enjoyable. Gotsa love those “Living Room Debates”!

--How shall we assess the “Torres touch”? Were I to take certain plays out of context (24th, 28th, 40th, and 53rd) I’d have no problems assigning him an “F”.

--Sergio Busquets in the 79th: No, no, no. NO!!! What are you doing Amigo?! It was a four-on-two!! You’re allowed to have a go!


Editor’s retroactive notes:
I would have bet the mortgages of my entire family on him scoring there.

--Not only did Fabregas need to come in sooner, del Bosque should seriously consider giving him his starting slot back.

--And on that overly judgmental note, time to hand out some marks:

Jesus Navas
A+
Iker Casillas
A+
Alvaro Arbeola
A-
Sergio Ramos
A-
Jordi Alba
A-
David Silva
B+
Cesc Fabregas
B+
Xavi
B
Gerard Pique
B
Xavi Alonso
C
Sergio Busquets
C
Andres Iniesta
C-
Fernando Torres
D+
     
Some tougher grades on this curve. Not to worry, Furia Roja fans. Every tournament involves some adversity. Be glad you’ve traversed it during the group stages. Obviously no assessment for Negredo, who played all of four minutes. Decent job done by the back four. The same may not be said of a lethargic midfield and unbecoming stinkers turned in by Torres and Iniesta. The latter shall recover. The former I remain unsold on Busquets and Xavi Alonso are better than their squandered chances this eve. One has every reason to expect that they will play significantly better come Saturday.

--One more day before the quarterfinals are set, syndicate members. For those who have not yet checked in (and both I and you know whom we’re talking about) swing on by for the knockout round……


Editor’s retroactive notes:
Never any shame in saying “hi”, even if those two letters are all you have to contribute ; )