Day 11: Recap
Record—
Spread: 5-17
Straight up: 8-9-5
Congratulations, Wops. Never before in my life have I been
more overjoyed to fork over money to a bunch of greasy Guineas. Why am I so
uncharacteristically convivial? Because you rid us of those filthy human turds
known as the Croats. They smell like shit. They act like shit. Their
flare-happy fans should be rounded up and systematically executed. I suggest asphyxiation
via Road Flare Smoke. Yes, I’m advocating death by gas chamber. No, I will not
apologize. Those human beings with no respect for others with whom they share
the world might as well have their license to exist revoked.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Grrrr…the Croats have more or less secured a playoff
spot, second only to Belgium in a appallingly weak group. Dammit. They’re
coming back. Fuck me.
Whew, La Roja! No shortage of nervy moments during the
second 45. Casillas saved your ass in the 58th and again in the 78th.
I personally have had the “Why not Pepe?” question decisively answered. Were it
not for his immaculate positioning, del Bosque and the boys would be on the
first flight back to Madrid. A bit of controversy in both matches this evening,
but the deserving side won in both instances. A great victory for justice over
notoriously bad football officiating. Let us all rejoice.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Pepe should finally get his chance next summer…unless
Iker steps it up this season.
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Ukraine
|
64
|
2
|
Poland
|
51
|
3 (finished)
|
Spain
|
46
|
3
|
Ireland
|
44
|
3 (finished)
|
Russia
|
32
|
3 (finished)
|
Greece
|
31
|
3
|
France
|
28
|
2
|
Sweden
|
27
|
2
|
Portugal
|
26
|
3
|
Germany
|
25
|
3
|
Croatia
|
22
|
3 (finished)
|
Italy
|
21
|
3
|
Netherlands
|
21
|
3 (finished)
|
Denmark
|
15
|
3 (finished)
|
England
|
13
|
2
|
Czech Republic
|
9
|
3
|
Incredible stats amassed by the Roja Chicas. Not only did
they rack up an imposing Hot Girl count of 26, over half of those captured
cameras blew kisses. Oh yes. The Spanish girls know what it’s all about. They
know cameramen picked them out because they’re gorgeous. They know millions of
men are commenting on their beauty to millions of other men as they nurse their
respective beers. They know their role. They’re familiar with their part. Fuck
waving hi to mom or nudging your boyfriend to alert him of your newfound fame.
Blow us a kiss, sweetheart. It’s your time to shine. You’re the star.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Such a shame there’s no afterlife. I wouldn’t even want
the Spanish Chicas to so much as touch me. Just blow me kisses all afternoon.
That’s enough.
No, Casillas’ girlfriend does NOT count. She never does. We
count neither royalty nor celebrity. After his stud-like effort tonight,
however, I believe he deserves every last bit of the nastiness awaiting him in
room 4G. Spit or swallow, girl. It honestly doesn’t matter. Just take care of
the hero of Spanish hopes. On an even crasser/stranger note, one of the Spanish
Franciscan nuns watching the game was included in the tally. I do believe this
is the first time a Bride of Christ has made it into the Hot Girl Standings.
She may be married to God, but that didn’t preclude her from stealing my heart.
Surprisingly weak numbers put up thus far by the Italians.
Something tells me they’ll catch up. That something happens to be ten years of
experience. Fine farewell from all the Bonnies, Lorennas, Colleens, and
Collettes. Well done, lasses. I miss you already. Keep those kisses coming,
Chicas!
Ramble
on, Vicey.
--Anyone in a retroactive mood?:
Initial
Group Projection (5/30/2012)
1) Spain
2) Italy
3)
Croatia
4)
Ireland
Final
Group Projection (6/15/2012)
1) Spain
2) Italy
3)
Croatia
4)
Ireland
Actual
Group Standings (6/18/2012)
1) Spain
2) Italy
3)
Croatia
4)
Ireland
Final
Analysis: Your eyes do not deceive. Correctly projected nearly three weeks in
advance. Savor the flavor, Vicey. Surely this won’t happen again.
--Silly Prandelli. How many times must I emphasize that
Balotelli was meant to start? You went with Di Natale, just as I assumed your
dumb ass would do. You finally came to your senses in the 74th. It
took Mr. “Why Always Me?” less than a quarter of an hour to make Wellbeck’s
back heel look like child’s play. Finish of the tournament from Balotelli in
the 90th. He turned in a corner with a perfect 90-degree tricycle.
Sorry, Wops. Your best player hails from Ghana.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Errrrrmm…kina wish I hadn’t written this. Even if
Prandelli came as close to reading it as your cat comes close to diving into a
swimming pool, it almost feels as if I jinxed the Mannschaft.
--Nice gesture from Trappatoni sticking with his starting
eleven. Even nicer of him to give Damien Duff the armband. The Irish were never
in it to win it. It was just as well that he treated his players like a
supportive father.
--We have a three-way tie for today’s “Floppin Wop” Award:
1) After Kevin Doyle disposed him with a perfectly clean
slide tackle in the 15th, Andrea Pirlo elected to kick Doyle in the
shins. Following this provocation he immediately fell to the pitch and
commenced whining like a little bitch. No matter that he instigated the
contact. Guys with two-inch dicks must always be the victims. He dove again
some twenty minutes later. Truly a historic match between the most honorable
footballers out there and a bunch of cheating pricks.
2) After elbowing Richard Dunne in the throat during a spot
of dirty jostling around the 34th, Giorgio Chelleni covered his face
as if he had been hit and cried like an infant. Seems fair, Giorgio. His throat
got in the way of your precious elbow. How dare he impair the hand that you use
to tussle your hair?
3) Federico Balzaretti hurt his chin. Sure, he hurt climbing
all over Glen Whelan’s back in a position he had no business being in. Pretty
boy still hurt his chin and he needs you to feel sorry for him. Time to pout
like only a Wop can. Pout some more, pretty boy.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Can’t wait to dispense this Summer’s “Flopping Wop
Award”. I’ve got my eyes on Andrea Barzagli as the odds-on favorite. ; )
--So often we find ourselves inserting appallingly bad
officiating into the match talking points. This evening we should give it up
for the assistants after they did a superb job noticing that Cassano’s goal
crosses the line. This could have been Germany vs. England all over again.
Instead, they got it right. Bravo, Turkish team.
--Monumental effort put in by the Irish back four. Sean St.
Ledger made three vital tackles in addition to clearing a sure Balzaretti goal
off the line. Richard Dunne’s challenge of Di Natale in space was pure poetry.
Ward and O’Shea closed ranks when it counted.
--A bit of frustration displayed by Keith Andrews in the 89th.
Guess he couldn’t quite forgive himself for allowing Bonnucci to slip through.
Merely an instance of exaggerated self-flagellation. No malice involved.
--Fuck you, Croats! Flares in the 6th and again
in the 51st. That’s it, UEFA. Suspend them from ALL future
tournaments. No more Blazers. They don’t belong. Kick them out of Europe and
let them play in the Middle East. That's where their juvenile asses belong.
Take action now. Kick them out for good.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
DIE!!!!! DIIIIIEEEE!!!!!
--A wholly un-encouraging match from Iniesta. A weak finish
in the 11th. Well wide of the mark in the 24th.
Difficulty establishing himself on the left flank all night. While the Torres
yanking in the 61st came as no surprise, del Bosque’s replacement of
David Silva in the 74th was much more curious. Why not give Iniesta
a break? To say his game was off would be far too generous.
--Okay. The German broadcasting consensus held that Sergio
Ramos’s tackle of Mandzukic just inside the right of the penalty area in the 28th
should have merited a spot kick. Sorry, but I couldn’t disagree more. Wolfgang
Stark got it ABSOLUTELY correct. Ramos’s slide won the ball with pinpoint
accuracy. After this stupendous, not to mention COMPLETELY CLEAN tackle,
Mandzukic tripped over Ramos by his own accord. Replays fail to convince me
otherwise. How is it that experienced broadcasters got this so THOROUGHLY
wrong? By osmosis they should know more about the game than I do. It was an
excellent challenge. To my mind anyone watching Ramos clear the ball seconds before
contact was made should draw the same conclusion. Was there some bias for
Bundesliga star Mandzukic? If that were the case, surely it should have been
overruled by bias for Stark. NO FOUL! PERIOD! Ramos got ball all the way.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Subjective reviews of tackling…sorry, but it’s part of
what makes football so enjoyable. Gotsa love those “Living Room Debates”!
--How shall we assess the “Torres touch”? Were I to take
certain plays out of context (24th, 28th, 40th,
and 53rd) I’d have no problems assigning him an “F”.
--Sergio Busquets in the 79th: No, no, no. NO!!!
What are you doing Amigo?! It was a four-on-two!! You’re allowed to have a go!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
I would have bet the mortgages of my entire family on him
scoring there.
--Not only did Fabregas need to come in sooner, del Bosque
should seriously consider giving him his starting slot back.
--And on that overly judgmental note, time to hand out some
marks:
Jesus Navas
|
A+
|
Iker Casillas
|
A+
|
Alvaro Arbeola
|
A-
|
Sergio Ramos
|
A-
|
Jordi Alba
|
A-
|
David Silva
|
B+
|
Cesc Fabregas
|
B+
|
Xavi
|
B
|
Gerard Pique
|
B
|
Xavi Alonso
|
C
|
Sergio Busquets
|
C
|
Andres Iniesta
|
C-
|
Fernando Torres
|
D+
|
Some tougher grades on this curve. Not to worry, Furia Roja
fans. Every tournament involves some adversity. Be glad you’ve traversed it
during the group stages. Obviously no assessment for Negredo, who played all of
four minutes. Decent job done by the back four. The same may not be said of a
lethargic midfield and unbecoming stinkers turned in by Torres and Iniesta. The
latter shall recover. The former I remain unsold on Busquets and Xavi Alonso
are better than their squandered chances this eve. One has every reason to
expect that they will play significantly better come Saturday.
--One more day before the quarterfinals are set, syndicate
members. For those who have not yet checked in (and both I and you know whom
we’re talking about) swing on by for the knockout round……
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Never any shame in saying “hi”, even if those two letters
are all you have to contribute ; )
