Day 7: Recap
Record—
Spread: 2-12
Straight up: 3-6-5
Sigh. Bye Bye, Boys in green. Guess we’ll always care. The
Land of Eyre was punching above its weight all throughout the qualifying
stages. Such a conclusion was inevitable from the onset. Keep smiling. Keep
shinning. Keep drinking. Keep singing. A genuinely touching scene as we ere
serenaded by a unified Spanish and Irish choir. Hand in hand. You’ll never walk
alone. If only the team had performed as well as these fans. In the midst of
the worst Irish recession in a generation, they spent their own money to travel
to Eastern Europe and drink with the boys. Were they bitter as the first
tournament appearance in a decade degenerated into a debacle? Fuck no. They
came to drink and sing regardless of the outcome. Happy drunks. Next time you
consider chastising someone for their drinking problem, recall that there are
happy drunks and belligerent drunks. While there shall always be a ratio (say a
70-30 split), the ones who tell you they love you more than they hate you
should be left alone.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Left alone to ponder their decisions in life….
Sorry Wop enthusiasts. It looks to be 2008 all over again.
You’ll have to wait for Round 3 for your victory. Once again, you’re money’s
not coming back. I’ve already written a fat donation check after another
lucrative day. You will salvage some pride. We’ll also be happy to have you in
the quarterfinals in lieu of these filthy, disorderly, and obnoxious Croats.
Apologies Blazer backers, but after tonight’s antics you’ve lost me forever.
Get the fuck out of my tournament and don’t come back. None of you are invited.
You’ve forfeited your rights as fans.
Hot Girl Standings---
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Ukraine
|
26
|
1
|
Poland
|
25
|
2
|
Ireland
|
24
|
2
|
Spain
|
20
|
2
|
Sweden
|
18
|
1
|
Russia
|
17
|
2
|
Greece
|
16
|
2
|
France
|
15
|
1
|
Portugal
|
15
|
2
|
Germany
|
13
|
2
|
Croatia
|
12
|
2
|
Italy
|
11
|
2
|
Netherlands
|
8
|
2
|
Denmark
|
6
|
2
|
England
|
5
|
1
|
Czech Republic
|
5
|
2
|
A decidedly weak day for all parties. Cute shot of an
Italian-Croat couple and plenty of tearful Irish girls. Nothing wrong with my
libido, but it proved difficult to care about hotties on this day. We’ve got
bigger fish to fry. And we begin right now.
“Ramble On, Vicey”---
--Fuck you, you puerile tablecloth-clad fucktards. You’re
useless. You Slavic sacks of shit! Nothing more than an embarrassment to football,
yourselves, and the human race in general. Cart your smelly Slavic arses the
hell out of this EM. You can get the fuck out of NATO, the UN, and any other
civilized inter-governmental organization while you’re at it. Fuck your
EU-Membership bid. You make the Greeks look responsible. You want to behave
like a bunch of disorderly children?
Do it in own shitty, squalid, foul, and detestable homeland. You were
guests of the Poles this week, just as you were guests of the Germans in 2006.
Still you continue to throw your burning road flares onto the pitch. Do you
also take a steaming shit on someone’s dinner table when they invite you over
and cook for you? Wouldn’t put it past such detestable, disgusting savages such
as yourselves. I’ve politely warned you enough times.
From the Preview Section:
“It
should come as a surprise to no one that Blazer fans like to light things on
fire. The torch of choice for the Beavi of Europe remains a protracted road
flare, though some of the tamer ones will settle for cigarette lighters,
candles, or smartphone apps.”
From Round One:
“I’m
afraid I cannot allow you to advance out of this group. If I see one more of
those road flares, I’m off to Baumarkt to buy a bulk pack, hopping the next
train to Zagreb, and jamming a triplicate fistful of them directly up the anus
of the first slothlike lardass wearing a checkered pattern I run into.”
What the Slav-stenching fuck is wrong with you morons? You
ignore the appeals of your own players. You deny them an offensive counter as
they disappeared into the smoke. You hold on to a ball shot into the stands,
further depriving your boys of a chance to score a go-ahead goal. No more, Mr.
Nice Kraut. You want road flares? I’m going to “invite” myself over to your
country to burn every last one of your shitty hovels to the ground. Fuck you.
Fuck your ancestors. Fuck your country. You should be invaded on general
principle. You fuck yourselves in the ass. You piss on your own feet. FUCK
CROATIA!! NEVER JOIN US AGAIN!
--Today’s “floppin Wop” award goes Thiago Motta. It was an
inadvertent weak elbow, Thiago. Get up, you bitch.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Wops will always flop. About time I learned this truth.
--Back to the Croats: How does a country of just over 4
million people keep consistently qualifying for these tournaments? Good
question. Here’s hoping they never qualify again. In fact, there’s little
reason for this country to exist at all. Tito had it right. They don’t deserve
it.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
I wouldn’t have hated the Croats so much, had they not
thrown flares on the pitch.
--At 33 years of age, it would appear that the Juventus
“midfield metronome” isn’t quite finished yet. Fantastic free kick from Pirlo in
the 39th.
--About time to press the Jelavic panic button. He’s
horribly about of sync and not seeing the pitch well at all. That return in the
82nd shows he’s just out of it. Sit him.
--Still no room for Kranjcar in midfield? What are you doing
Bilek? Simply reorganizing to a 4-4-2 isn’t good enough. Wait a second. I
desperately want you to lose. Yes, it works fine. Keep the same eleven. Can’t
go wring with Corluka, Schildenfeld, and Vukojevic.
--Again with the same 3-5-2 Wops? Well, I suppose if you
seek another draw. Your sure swap of Balotelli for Di Natale will be dumb….as
usual.
--Mandzukic saved your ass with that brilliantly emphatic
smash, Croats. I should be writing your obituary. All in good time.
--Torres?!?! Apparently so. I, just like anyone else, spewed
out my coffee upon learning that del Bosque had elected to capitulate on the
triple-midfield-axis so early. One might have expected it should the Ireland
match not yielded enough forward momentum. To give up so soon? To not give Fabregas,
Silva, and Iniesta another chance to grow comfortable with one another against
an overmatched opponent? Truly a surprise. The result of course speaks for
itself, but one should not falsely conclude that issue is now settled. For
starters, despite the Torres brace, Fabregas still hammered that tomahawk in
the 83rd. More significantly, Fernando may be heating up, but he can
cool faster than a sunny German morning. I’m not ready to declare that Fernando
Fernando has a clean slate. The manner in which Busquets has to hang back to
accommodate him may yet spell trouble for the La Roja attack.
--Interesting move by Trappatoni, swapping out Kevin Doyle
for Simon Cox. Interesting it wasn’t the smartest move. One can apportion Keane
all the space one likes. He still can’t generate enough opportunities by
himself. Not anymore. He plays in MLS. Nuff said.
--Again, excellent teamwork from La Roja. Crisp passing,
smooth patterns, and a general sense that anyone giving up the ball immediately
roved over to a more helpful position. Firing on ALL cylinders, Spaniards. See
you in the semis.
--Last rant against the classless Croats. You have my word.
Observe the solidarity of Spanish and Irish fans sitting together in the
bleachers? That’s how it’s done! Support your country side-by-side. Share a
flask, make a friend, and remember at the end of the day that it’s only a game.
All together now. If the Irish and Spanish can be respectful drunks, just about
anyone can.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Further rants appear shortly. I simply couldn’t resist
lambasting these primitive Europeans for their reprehensible behavior.
--Happened to catch some of the American telecast on my
computer. WHY THE LOTHAR MATTHÄUSING FUCK DID NO ONE TELL ME MICHAEL BALLACK IS
DOING AMERICAN IN-STUDIO COMMENTARY? I won’t forget this easily, syndicate
members. What the hell were the cats over in Bristol thinking? Presumably after
they lost Klinsi, the natural choice was another German voice. Still, THIS
Ossie German voice? Ballack’s English makes Lothar Matthäus look like Ian
Darke. Ratzinger is better in the King’s than Ballack! Couldn’t catch more than
a few gems. Betting credits galore for those syndicate members who send in some
better ones.
1) “He done good wiz za ball”
2) “Ver-HEE espechichal performance.”
3) “The question was goal and the answer was goal”
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
They put together a great intro too ; ) ; )
--Oh je. What sort of cutback did Keith Andrews envision in
the 63rd? Time to hang those spikes up, mate.
--Nightmarish tournament for Shay Given. Two own goals (In
my humble opinion = IMHO) and a careless low clear punch directly into the path
of David Silva. Take a vacation before returning to Birmingham, Shay. Clear
your head on the Mediterranean.
--Chill out, everyone. I didn’t forget your Spanish Grades.
Here we are:
David Silva
|
A+
|
Andres Iniesta
|
A+
|
Fernando Torres
|
A
|
Xavi
|
A
|
Sergio Busquets
|
A
|
Gerard Pique
|
A
|
Cesc Fabregas
|
A
|
Xavi Alonso
|
B+
|
Sergio Ramos
|
B
|
Iker Casillas
|
B
|
Jordi Alba
|
B
|
Alvaro Arbeola
|
B-
|
Javi Martinez
|
B-
|
No marks for Cazorla, whom I didn’t see enough of.
Nevertheless everyone was above average and La Furia Roja are #1!!
