Introduction—“The Friendly Confines”
(Nigeria, Argentina, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Iran)
Sandwiched in between a group that I could hardly care less
about (Group E) and one that routinely causes me to wake up sweating and
screaming every night around 3:15 a.m. (Group G) we have my favorite quartet
of the tournament. Three old friends and one BRAND NEW ONE! How exciting!
Do forgive me if I appeared to have phoned in the last entry. Giddiness over
this group could not be suppressed!
The gang’s all here! We even get to make a new friend too!
Writing about an entirely new country in the Syndicate is
akin to stumbling upon a conversation that completely blows your previous
paradigm out of the water. You’re friendly bookie has been positively ecstatic
since learning that the “Golden Lillies” would qualify for their first ever
international competition.
The Bosnians have always supplied us with lovely insane and
eccentric characters. Anyone recall former Japan head coach Ivan Osim? His
first words after collapsing from a stroke while watching a football game and
spending ten days in a coma were, “What was the score?” How about current
Algerian coach Vahid Halilhodzic? As a player he once explained away a scoring
drought by claiming his name was too big for Belgrade scoreboards.
The list goes on and on. You’ll meet some more loons in the
team section. They’re all completely batshit nuts football maniacs…and it’s
wonderful ; ) On a more somber not, B & H has always held a special
significance for this kid from “Herzblut City”. A couple of years before the
Dayton Accords, about the time that everyone at the Winter Olympics were
sporting flashlights inscribed “Remember Sarajevo”, the war torn country
dispatched a symbolic squad known as the “Bosnia and Herzegovina Humanitarian
All Stars” to play friendly matches all over Europe. Their first stop was my
hometown of Kaiserslautern.
At the time I was a ten-year-old kid scarcely interested in
football at all. Having grown up mostly in the States, all I truly cared about athletics-wise
was whether the Phillies could avoid finishing in last place again. My love of
geopolitics was a different story. The First Balkans Conflict was the beginning
of my irrational and deranged life-long struggle with insomnia. It’s
embarrassing as all hell, but worrying about geopolitical events I can in no
way hope to control was keeping me up as far back as ’93. ; ( ; (
I learned of the “Humanitarian All Stars” in a Newspaper
Blurb. No Internet back in those days, so I never saw the match and couldn’t
find the result or any further news on it (try as I might ). All I knew was
that a team of “sports diplomats” were headed to Kaiserslautern. That helped me
sleep…for a night or two.
Nine years later, the Syndicate was born. The other three
teams in this group all hold a special place in Syndicate lore. Argentina has
regularly been my pick to win the competition (two out of three times to be
precise). They’re also my pick this year. This absolutely MUST be the year it
all comes together for them. Messi’s at his peak. He’s finally the captain.
It’s his time! Mascherano, Higuain, Aguero….so much talent! The poor Argentines
have had the misfortune of being eliminated by the Germans in two consecutive
tournaments. In 2006 it came via a hard-luck penalty shootout. In 2010 it was a
straight-up ass whopping. Now it should finally be their turn.
As much smack as I talk about Islam, I’ve actually got a
soft spot for the “Princes of Persia”. Appearing in their first World Cup
Finals since 2006, they always bring a Kader that features many bright young
Bundesliga players. They’re entertaining to watch…even if they’re forced to
kneel towards Mecca after every goal. ; ( ; (
We arrive at what is rapidly becoming “The Official Team of
the Syndicate”. Your friendly bookie instituted the tradition of sending out
“Schwag Packs” to all those who either placed a bet or spun a riff after Euro
2012. The tradition continued through the eight syndicates of 2013, in spite of
the fact that a majority of Syndicate members had better shit to do than follow
The African Cup of Nations, The World Baseball Classic, the Papal Election, The
Confederations Cup, The UEFA Women’s European Championship, and three separate
absurdly loquacious sections on global qualifying.
All those who stuck with your friendly bookie during his
bumbling attempt to cover the African Continental Championship received an
official jersey from the victors—“The Nigerian Super Eagles”. I bought them in
bulk off of e-bay (where one can still get good deals) and shipped them off to
every loyal bettor along with a handwritten letter and (in some cases) money.
Thus, the Super Eagles found their way into the hearts of even the most redneck
of Syndicate Members. I’m telling you, there are guys wearing that jersey right
now…as they drive a tractor and bitch about their “n****r president”
We love our “Super Eagles” here at the Syndicate. ; ) ; ) A
happy coincidence is that their color (green) is the same as ours. Er…it’s also
the color of the world’s reserve currency, which I’m very so happy to collect. Something
we happen to love even more than our Super Eagles is Freedom of Expression.
Free Speech trumps everything, including so-called “multiculturalism”. Hence, I
wish to continue another proud tradition of the Syndicate that dates back to
2010:
FUCK AL-SHABAB!
FUCK BOKO-HARAM!
FUCK ANSAR-DINE!
FUCK AL-SHABAB!
FUCK BOKO-HARAM!
FUCK ANSAR-DINE!
Long before Michele Obama’s infamous Instagram, the
Syndicate has proudly denounced Afro-Islamist terrorist groups who have
viciously murdered innocent civilians for the mere crime of watching a football
game. The Syndicate may be lewd, crass, and even abrasive at times. It’s still
a product of a free society; a society that every human being on this planet
deserves. If you believe in infringing upon the liberty of others, FUCK YOU.
Don’t dare try hiding behind your “religion”, “culture”, or “way-of-life”. FUCK
YOU. You deserve to die slowly and painfully. Period.
Before getting to the team sections and the odds, I simply have
to relive how amazing it was to witness Nigeria winning the 2013 African Cup of
Nations. Here’s how we commemorated it, Syndicate-Style:
From CAN 2013—“Goodbyes and Championship Pick”
Supreme Champion of the African Football
Universe—Nigeria vs. Burkina Faso
The Stallions have proven resilient indeed. Can they
possibly hope to snatch victory from the cursed Nigerians in a winner-take-all
roll of the dice? Not without Jonathan Pitroipa. His suspension nixes any
chance. It’s “Super Eagles” all the way.
A MESSAGE TO ALL MY NIGERIAN FRIENDS:
It’s finally happening. Over 18 years later, it’s finally
happening. You may have missed out in 2002, 2004, 2006….AND 2010. This time
you’ll finish first. I’ve no way of figuring out how one says “congratulations”
in either Yoruba or Hausa. Irrespective of that…it’s your turn. Get the party
started.
THE
LINE: Nigeria +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Nigeria 1, Burkina Faso 0. They finally won me
over, and (much more importantly) won back Africa in the process. The
post-match celebrations would find emphasis in the syndicate chapter
immediately following this one, and the one that was to follow in the
subsequent summer. The Burkinabes, having manage to get Pitroipa’s suspension
reversed, didn’t lie down against the superior squad. In the end however, this
was an Eagles team destined to capture the continent for the first time since
1994. Keshi starred for that squad. It seemed the most fitting that he revive
the glory of the green.
Soccer City Stadium in Johannesburg was packed to the
brim with 90,00 spectators. Keshi silenced his critics with an innovative
lineup that pitted Uche and Sunday Mba up front, with Brown moved to the left
flank in place of Emmenike. Victor Moses was put in charge of most set pieces
and he nearly connected with Ambrose in the 7th. A Moses corner two
minutes later nearly resulted in another goal for Brown. Both players’ nerves
were on display as they both directed their efforts over. Completing a trio of
overpowered first half efforts, Bance skyrocketed one high in the 20th.
All participants settled down a bit, but no shots on goal resulted from their
respective offensive pursuits. Bance and Brown traded two wide misses before
the Super Eagles broke the deadlock in the 40th.
The Nigerian attack, spearheaded by the jacked-up play of
Victor Moses, spent a large portion of the half in the danger area. Moses
served up plenty of delight, but couldn’t quite serve up one of his colleagues
with a goal. His energetic play would eventually lead to the breakthrough,
albeit indirectly. He launched a cannonball of a shot from the right slot in
the 40th. Djakarida Kone blocked the effort, but the rebound
remained airborne for a full three seconds. That was all the time Sunday Mba
needed to come crashing in from his anchoring striker position. After bringing
it down with a deft first touch, he used his second touch to volley it over
contesting defender Mohammed Koffi and his third touch to lash it first-time
into the back of the net. Three brilliant touches to paydirt. Burkinabe keeper
Daouda Diakite didn’t even attempt a save. He seemed as surprised as anyone
else that a homegrown unknown could work such wizardry with the ball.
Mba’s selection initially raised eyebrows among the “tout
le monde” of unfit armchair football commentators. Not that it is at all
unusual for African teams in this competition to field a quarter of which is
comprised of domestic league players. In point of fact, the Super Eagles
Selection featured fewer homegrown stars than most of the other nations in the
tournament. What differentiated Keshi was his uncommon audacity in telling such
players to lace up for his starting eleven. Instead of taking a look at young
phenoms Juwan Oshaniwa or Kenneth Omeruo, he chose hitherto unknown Sunshine
Stars defender Godfrey Oboabona as his starting right central back in the
opening match. He then stuck with Oboabona against Zambia, sitting his more
experienced and talismanic captain Joseph Yobo. He continued to rest “sacred
cow” Yobo in the critical final group stage match against Ethiopia.
Additionally, he deployed Mba in place of more high profile midfielder Emmanuel
Igiebor. Mba once again got the call against the heavily favored Cote d’Ivoire
Elephants in the Quarterfinals and again in the semis against Mali.
Keshi slowly gradually worked him into the side whilst
simultaneously setting the tone for his players: This was to be a merit-based
regiment. Had the Eagles been competing in a longer tournament, Keshi might
have had more time to groom Enugu Rangers midfielder Ejike Uzoenyi. He had
clearly been trying to work him in via a serious of earlier substitutions,
potentially with the aim of having him compete for Onazi’s starting spot. Mba
and Oboabona. The old warrior’s faith in his untested young athletes reaped
enormous dividends, as Oboabona’s stalwart defensive play and Mba’s s
magnificent game winning goal proved. The players themselves raked in their own
well-deserved comeuppance. Following protracted negotiations Sunday Mba found a
new home in French Ligue 2. Oboabona came within a hair of being scooped up by
Arsene Wegner, but opted to chose playing time over prestige with Turkish
League Club Caykur Rizespor.
Fired up by the Mba goal, the Super Eagles never
relinquished their grip on the match. On the contrary, they shifted into even
higher gear after the break. Ideye Brown struck a beaut that spanned the
goalmouth before going wide in the 47th. Moses twice shook off his
markers for fastbreak runs on goal. He may have failed to register a shot in
both instances, but he tired out a Burkinabe defense that the Stallion’s
desperate trainer just couldn’t afford to burn a substitution on. All of
Pitroipa’s potential lay dormant in the absence of agile defenders to punt him
some useful balls forward. One goal away from a 120 slogfest, Put eventually
subbed in Sanou for Rouamba in the 65th. The Japan-based
international made an almost immediate impact with a full-force drive that
forced Enyeama into a full stretch save in the 72nd. Put waited
perhaps to long to pull the trigger on Dagano (82nd) and A.R. Traore
(90th). The only other worthwhile scoring chance belonged to the
Super Eagles. Ideye Brown really should have put the icing on the cake when
Ahmed Musa set him up with a square cross in the game’s waning moments.
It wouldn’t matter. Match referee Djamel Haimoudi ran
over to collect the ball from Nigerian keeper Vincent Enyeama and blew the full
time whistle. The grateful keeper dropped to his knees and cradled the ref’s
calves. The party was on! Even this bookie danced along with the ecstatic
victors. Of course, as a German, he couldn’t dance for shit. Meh. It’s the
thought that counts.
And so our first exclusively African syndicate drew to a
close amidst all the usual reverie. Regular members phoned in to chat. Others
sent long-winded e-mails. The chapter officially ended when your friendly
bookie had finally had enough of watching Nigerian celebration videos on
Youtube. It took him SIX STRAIGHT HOURS to get his fill.
The novelty of it all constituted a refreshing change
from the practice of setting lines for other international tournaments; a
process that had become slightly rote. The “Year of the Syndicate” was just
beginning. Eight more syndicates would follow. In hindsight this one remains my
favorite. Perhaps it wasn’t the most popular, but I certainly enjoyed delving
waste deep into the African Game. The African Game features a unique pace and
passion that I find myself remiss to adequately describe here. Perhaps that
will have to wait until CAN 2015. See you then, mates. ; ) ; )
It’s goodbye for now. Enjoy the return to normalcy. We’ll
meet again. The Syndicate will return. For the time being……
“Go kick a ball with a stranger”
Seriously…go kick a ball with a stranger.
--S.S. P.J.W.
Argentina—“La
Albiceleste”
This HAS to be the year. This time I really mean it. Messi
just had the campaign of his life over at the Camp NU. Forty-one goals in 46 appearances!
Gonzalo Higuain finds himself totally resurgent at Napoil. Sergio Aguerro just
struck 28 at the Etihad. Di Maria fed his forwards with a career high 24
assists over at Real. Mascherano, Zabaletta, and Fernandez are all in great
form. Hell, even Maxi Rodriguez flared up again upon his return to his original
domestic club.
The starting eleven is firing on all cylinders. It fell to
Alejandro Sabella to clean up Diego Maradona’s mess. He did so admirably,
ruling out dinosaurs like Gabriel Heinze, Juan Sebastian Veron, Walter Samuel,
Diego Malito, Martin Palermo and Clemente Rodriguez. He also showed great
courage in benching Martin Demechilis, tossing Carlos Tevez, and re-recruiting
Roger Palacio/Ezeqiuel Lavezzi. New faces to keep a watchful eye on include
Ricardo Alvarez of Inter and Marcos Rojo of Sporting Lisbon. The former has
scored twice in only seven international caps while the latter rises up the
European ranks with unparalleled alacrity.
How magnificent it is to once again have a professional
trainer in charge. Former Leeds United midfielder Sabella was never a
particularly great player. Mediocre players often make for better managers.
Just look at Joachim Löw! He’s built a truly tenacious squad. There really
isn’t a player I’m significantly concerned about. Aguero has no clue how to
help out the defensive ranks, but so what? Fernandez occasionally over commits,
but that’s no real cause for concern.
All the way, Jugadores. All the way to the title. I know you
can do it. This time you mean business, and so do I!
Projecting
the Argentine Lineup (4-3-3)
Sergio Aguero Gonzalo Higuain
|
Lionel Messi
|
Maxi Rodriguez Angel di Maria
|
Javier Mascherano
|
M. Rojo F. Fernandez E. Garay P. Zabaretta
|
Sergio Romero
|
The
Talisman—Lionel Messi 
Is there any other choice? When we first encountered him
back in 2006 he was only an 18-year-old kid. Consider for a moment how few
under-19s end up playing for the national squad. That’s why there’s such a
thing as an “U-19” team! We knew his gifts even back then. Everybody agreed
that they saw it. The only thing approaching an equivalent in all of organized
sport is Lebron James, drafted right out of High School as a “future
hall-of-famer”. You can broach Kobe Bryant if you like, but to compare Kobe
with Messi is like comparing Salieri with Mozart. “A
Syndicate Classic”—Argentina
From WMQ 2009—Syndicate with A Vengeance:
Qualifying
Preview—CONMEBOL
Intro
I
truly feel like traveling to Buenos Aires and giving everyone a hug right now.
No, I haven’t caught the Sanford Flu. I’m simply overcome with empathy for
those suffering through the travesty of the Diego Maradona Era. Honestly,
Argentines, what the hell were you thinking?!? Is this the same groupthink logic
at work when you decided “Why not put Nestor’s ditzy wife in charge for a
while? That sounds fair”.
Listen,
Argentines, Maradona was an amazing player, perhaps the best ever. This does
not necessarily translate to…how to put this…INTELLIGENCE! I mean, Christ. You
don’t see Americans putting Lenny Dykstra in charge of their finances! (Er..hey
wait a second) Look, my overall point is not diluted. Even if you manage to
hang on to the fifth place spot, beat the CONCACAF Team, and make it to South
Africa, your team still faces serious problems. Namely, Diego Maradona coaches
it! Couldn’t you have just kept him as a talismanic cheerleader in the
stands? Messi doesn’t need this.
Anyways,
Chile and Ecuador look to be well positioned. Uruguay, Columbia, and Venezuela
still have a shot. Bolivia and Peru are done for.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
It
looked as if the ditz would be thrown out on her egregiously botoxed face….then
Nestor keeled over. I still feel a kinship with my distant Argentine
relatives….er…none of which share German blood. Twice improbably eliminated by
the Germans, the Argentines have consistently underachieved despite having the
undisputed greatest football talent in over a generation. Still very much
interested in dispensing some hugs. Perhaps I’ll even catch the “Sanford Flu”
and find a mocha baby of my own.
From
WMQ 2009—Syndicate: Afterlife:
Argentina
Diego
Maradona told me, and everyone else who doubted him, that we can “suck it”
That, at least is the mainstream translation. Here are all the sections of his
wonderfully puerile press conference rant after Argentina qualified:
(With German subtitles!)
(full Spanish glory)
(English
Subtitles)
Real
mature, Diego. Some of us prefer to behave like adults. Now if you’ll excuse
me, I have to write another 25 copulation jokes and utilize 43 of the filthiest
words in the English language.
Nigeria—“The
Super Eagles”
They’ve found their way into the hearts of so many Syndicate
Members…and that’s why we’ll get straight to the point. 2013 was “The Year of
the Super Eagles”. More has been written about them in our Syndicate than
virtually any other publication in the world. The real question now is:
“What was Keshi’s most significant move?”
Taking Peter Odemwinge back. Keshi feels the heat. He knew
he had to do something drastic to improve his chances of getting out of the
group. That’s why he traveled to Stoke with his tail between his legs. He needs
a midfield “flight director”. I, like many others, thought he would stick with
Nnamdi Ouduamadi. Not the case. Keshi could just sense that this was a very
different tournament. As irritatingly egotistical as Odemwinge can be, he’s
simply a better distributor.
So that’s the news. Three talented strikers continue to form
an unrivaled trident up front. Onazi and Mikel take opportunities when presented,
but mostly fall back to help Ambrose and Elderson. Will they get out of the
group? As much as it pains me to say, I think not. Enyeama has problems with
the peripherals and Moses tries to do too much in possession.
That doesn’t mean that the “Era of the Super Eagles” is
over, Syndicate Members. We’ll see this team again in a few months when the
“2015 African Cup of Nations” kicks off.
Projecting
the Nigerian Lineup (4-2-1-3)
Emmanuel Emenike
|
Ahmed Musa
Victor Moses
|
Peter Odemwingie
|
Ogenyi
Onazi John
Obi Mikel
|
Elderson G. Oboabona K. Omerou E. Ambrose
|
Vincent Enyeama
|
The
Talisman—Emmanuel Emenike
It doesn’t matter if he’s been oscillating between Russian
and Turkish Clubs. A West European team will pick up on his amazing skills
eventually. He’s always aware of where the goal line is, irrespective of where
he receives the ball. This tournament counts as a showcase for him. Expect a
Premiership contract soon.
“A
Syndicate Classic”--Nigeria
From CC 2013—Syndicate: Judgment Play
Group B Nigeria (Winning Odds—3 to 1)
The moment has finally arrived. Ever since we closed the
book on this Winter’s historic chapter, “Syndicate: Dark Continent”, I’ve been
salivating over the chance to welcome the Super Eagles back to the
Confederations Cup for the first time since 1995! It’s an incredibly exciting
time for Nigerian Football. No more torpor! Keshi and the lads make the scene
with their winning sheen hardly dulled.
So many players deserve props for the awesome run at the
Continental Title. Mba, Emenike, Echilije, Ambrose, Onazi, and Mikel. Though
his contribution relied exclusively on some simple execution, Victor Moses
proved useful as well. Given that so much was written about the Super Eagles a
short four months ago, it’s most pertinent to focus on the changes this squad
has undergone in the last 16 weeks. This also affords the meticulous reader a
peek into how fluid these teams actually are. Believe it or not, EIGHT players
from the 2013 Africa Cup of Nations Championship Crew won’t be traveling to
Brazil. Here’s the lowdown on your new-look Super Eagles:
Captain Joseph Yobo will sit this one out. With 2014
Qualification looking all but guaranteed, Keshi wants to test some fresh blood
straight out of the academies. Two defenders from the Nigerian domestic league
will thus make their debut on the international stage. Francis Benjamin plays
for the Southern, Owerri-based club Heartland FC. The twenty-year-old hasn’t
been capped internationally yet, meaning that his heart won’t cease racing from
the moment he sets foot on the pitch. Soloman Kwambe is another greenhorn who
plays for Sunshine Stars, a club based a few hundred miles due West of FC
Heartland. The 19-year-old was called up twice prior to the African Cup of
Nations. Evidently, Keshi saw enough to merit some closer inspection.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Yobo made Keshi’s 30-man provisional squad in spite of a
broken year spent between Fenerbahce and Norwich City. We never saw wither
Francis Benjamin or Soloman Kwambe in action, but the latter recently secured
an MLS contract, meaning we might hear from him yet.
Other defenders that didn’t make the cut include Juwan
Oshaniwa, dropped after playing no role in the 2013 triumph, and Ejike Uzoenyi,
whom Rennes convinced to attend an early training camp. Keshi and midfielder
Nosa Igiebor came to a similar understanding. Igiebor will remain in Spain to
focus on his career with Real Betis. Emeka Eze will take his place. Eke earns
his paycheck in the coal rich city of Enugu. This could be his big break.
Midfielder Nwankwo Obiorah is another one who won’t be boarding the plane.
Italian Club Parma can’t seem to decide which Romanian Club they wish to loan
him out to. They’ll sort that out while Michel Babatunde, a former Heartland FC
player recruited to play in the Ukraine, gets a chance to impress.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Uzoenyi failed to impress in Rennes, but earned a test
call-up from Keshi anyway. Oshaniwa has ostensibly worked his way back into the
squad, although he may be first on the chopping block on Keshi is forced to cut
down to 23. By contrast, Igiebor returns to what looks to be a safe roster
spot. No new news on Eke, but Babatunde made the 30-man-squad. Defensive midfielder
Obiora makes way for Stoke City Striker Peter Odemwingie, who has fought his
way back into good form and into Keshi’s good graces.
We’ll almost certainly see Ikechukwu Uche, Victor Moses,
and Emenike next summer. The Superstriking trio have only been left behind so
that Keshi can observe Mohammed Gambo, Anthony Ujah, and Joseph Akpala. Gambo
plays for Nigerian giants Kano Pillar, a northern city under duress from Boko
Haram. Ujah has been kicking ass for FC Köln. Akpala justified Werder Bremen’s
outbidding of West Ham with a fantastic season.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Moses and Emmenike return. Uche has been excluded from
the Kader. Gambo and Akpala have been left behind, hardly to anyone’s surprise.
What remains somewhat surprising is the omission of Anthony Ujah, who had
another fine campaign for Köln en route to the 2. Bundesliga Championship.
Taking his place in training camp will be Brugge’s Michael Uchebo and
Heerenveen’s Uche Nwofor’s. Both of these strikers are in their mid-20s, so
it’s puzzling that they’re being tasked with warming up the first-stringers.
Surely the younger and more malleable Ujah would benefit from training with the
bigwigs, even if he’s unlikely to make to final cut. The invitation of
32-year-old Shola Ameobi also strikes one as odd. What sort of attacking corps
is Keshi building?
Hmmm…seems we got a bit off tangent there. Perhaps this
bookie simply finds it irresistible to question Keshi…and then get
comprehensively proven wrong in earnest. ; ) ; ) This will be one of the
highlights of my Summer.
Overall, the Nigerians aren’t playing to win this
tournament. Covered in glory, Keshi wishes to treat this one as an experiment.
Akpala, Ujah, and Kwambe are definitely players to keep an eye on. The same
applies to Chelsea fullback Kenneth Omerou. A decisive element in the CAN
roster, he’ll get even more playing time here. Chelsea has eyes on the
moderately sized yet surprisingly stalwart defender. After signing him out of a
Belgian Youth Academy in 2012, they immediately loaned him to ADO Den Haag in
order to allow him to sharpen his skills. Keep an especially keen eye on him.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Omerou’s now on loan to Middlesborough in the
championship. He hasn’t quite reached the tipping point of his development, but
we may hear his name called in Brazil. He’ll train on the 30-man roster. His
prospects to make the final cut look bright.
Bosnia
and Herzegovina—“The Golden Lillies”
Welcome, welcome. They’re here! Hosanna! A pot-bellied
former Yugoslav international (Safet Susic) brought them to our court. How did
he do it? Nothing truly magical about it. It’s just a good-old-fashioned 4-4-2
featuring two über-talented strikers. FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m about to completely
botch the spellings of all of these player names. You’re just going to have to
live with that.
We’ll start up front. Edin Dzeko first got his big break
over at VfL Wolfsburg. It took British scouts a full four years to notice that
roughly half of his 66 goals came from left-footed strikes and roughly half
came off his right boot. A two-footed footballer happens to be more of an
anomaly then you might expect. Most players tend to favor one side. American
Saber-metric Baseball fans can perhaps relate. Switch hitters often have
incongruent stats. Anyway, Dzeko broke through for Man City back in 2010. His goal
production has tapered only slightly. That’s incredible considering the league
that he moved to.
VfB Stuttgart striker Vedad Ibisevic accompanies Dzeko up
front. The former PSG Prospect got snatched up by “Rich Uncle Hoffenheim” back
in 2007 and hasn’t slowed down since. He’s got a lethal nose for goal. Very
little chance of stopping him if he’s in the mood.
Everyone ready for some misspellings? Zvjezdan Misimovic is
the midfield captain….just typing the man’s name felt like an epileptic fit. ;
( ; ( He’s got great downfield eyes. The China-based vice captain can pick out
a colleague from thirty yards or more.
An all-German back four blankets Stoke keeper Asmir Begovic.
Left back Mensur Mudjza has done quite a bit to keep Freiburg from being relegated.
Centerbacks Ermin Bilakcic and Emir Sphacic play for 1899 Hoffenheim and Bayer
Leverkusen respectively. Bikacic just got rescued off the sinking Eintracht
Braunschweig ship. Rudi Voller should send Sphacic a “Thank You Note” after all
his hard work in tackling helped Leverkusen secure the Champions League playoff
spot. Right back Avdija Vrsjaveic still plays in Croatia, but he’s been linked
with a move to Augsburg.
Like it or not, they’re headed to the Round of 16. That’s
how your friendly bookie sees it ; )
ALL HAIL THE ‘GOLDEN LILLIES’.
Projecting
the B & H Lineup (4-4-2)
Edin Dzeko Vedad Ibesevic
|
Zvjezdan Misimovic
|
Senad Lucic
Miralem Pjanjic
|
Sejad Salihovic
|
M. Mudjza
E. Bikakcic E. Sphahic A.Vrasajevic
|
Asmir Begovic
|
The
Talisman—Edin Dzeko 
Why is it so important to use both feet when playing
football? Let’s let Edin show you:
“A
Syndicate Classic—Bosnia and Herzegovina” 
From WMQ 2013—Also Sprach das Syndikat:
Bosnia & Herzegovina
A very hearty welcome to our other “Syndicate
Debutantes”.
From WMQ 2013—“Der Wille zum Syndikat”
The
“Golden Lillies” of this newly cleaved pragmatic arrangement are, barring some
improbable collapse, GOING TO QUALIFY!!!
Hurrah!
Welcome Bosnia and Herzegovina. Come next summer, we’ll have a total newcomer
to talk about.
Congratulations
to Edin Dzeko and the “Balkan Dragons”. With any luck the exceptionally
talented core of this lineup will keep B & H a formidable international
force for years to come.
Fantastic job down the stretch by Susic & Co. A late
goal from Ibisevic ensured that, even though Greece had pulled level, a mammoth
goal differential would push the Balkan Dragons through.
Since the dissolution of Tito’s Yugoslavia, the Bosnians
have never even come close to qualifying for anything. With Eastern European
splintering now mostly complete, time to let those wounds heal and watch some
quality football. The Montenegrins and Kosovars will eventually qualify for a
tournament (Europe) too. All is gradually becoming right with the world. We’ll
have to wait for the draw in order to properly ascertain whether Man City’s
Edin Dzeko and Stuttgart’s Vedad Ibashevic will have a chance to shine against
porous defenses. We’re still looking at a talent-laden team staffed by the
likes of Freiburg’s Mensur Mudjza, Roma’s Miralem Pjanic, and Bayer
Leverkusen’s Emir Sphacic.
This isn’t an entry to be taken lightly. Trust me.
Iran—“The
Princes of Persia”
Portuguese coach Carlos Quireoz now assumes the Iranian
mantle. Evidently, the FFIRI grew tired of hiring Croatians. Quireoz took the
job back in 2011, and he presides over a national team that you’ll barely
recognize.
Ferydoon Zandi retired two years ago. Ali Daei finally hung
them up after 13 years in the show. We have to get to the defensive midfielders
before you see some familiar names. Andranik Teymourian was but a humble
domestic leaguer back in 2006. He’s found his way back to that role, but not
before earning valuable experience with Barnsley, Fulham, and Bolton Wanderers.
Masoud Shojaei was only a twenty-year-old provincial player back then. Now he’s
got a Spanish contract. Then there’s Javad Nekounam. He never broke through to
the top flight European clubs. He still scored in about a sixth of the matches
he played for various Middle-Eastern Clubs. That’s a worthy accomplishment for
any defender.
That about wraps it up for our “Persian Lions”. Happy that
they’re here. They won’t last long, but swing on by regardless. ; )
Projecting
the Iranian Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Reza Ghoochannejad
|
Masoud Shojaei B. Rahmani Ashkan Dejagah
|
A. Teymorian Javad Nekounam
|
Hashem Beikzadeh Khosro Hedari
|
Pejman Montazeri Jalal Hosseini
|
Daniel Davari
|
The
Talisman—Javad Nekounam 
He knows the way through. He slices through balls in when he
gets the chance. Schau mal:
“A
Syndicate Classic”—Iran
From WM 2006: “The Curse of the Syndicate”
Iran
All of
Persia will be pumping their fists to cheer on their lone representative…except
for the women, who are not allowed to go to the games…and president
Ahmadinejad, who cannot set foot in Germany without being arrested. Holocaust
denial remains an imprisonable crime in the Fatherland. Guess who’s not going
to be there? If you answered rabid U.S. Soccer Fan David Duke, you’re only half
right. Looks like Mahmoud and Khameni will have to settle for watching the
spectacular failure of their team from the comforts of Tehran. Have fun, boys.
Let me know when those Jew bombs start falling!
Of
course one should take care to separate the team from the regime. The Shia
Strikers have a Croatian coach and five German Bundesliga players. One of them,
midfielder Ferydoon Zandi, even plays for my hometown club FCK. I wish not to
spew venomous vitriol at a multi-lingual group with Fatherland roots.
Nevertheless, those with German eligibility are representing the WRONG side. My
feelings are adequately conveyed in a zinger I exchanged with Ferydoon himself.
Peter:
Knock, Knock
Ferydoon:
Who’s there?
Peter:
Ayatollah
Ferydoon:
Ayatollah who?
Peter:
Aya-toll-ah to get the FUCK OUT OF MY TOURNAMENT!
Editor’s retroactive notes:
One
should continue to draw an important distinction between team and regime.
Although the Iranians failed to qualify for the 2010 World Cup, the players in
the qualifying rounds strapped on green wristbands in support of the “Where is
my vote?” uprising. This salient factoid, along with the verifiable truth,
documented above, that Israel was threatened to bomb Iran back in 2006, forces
me to now prattle out a rant.
WARNING:
Totally unrelated wonkish interlude.
Ahem.
NO ONE IS GOING TO BOMB IRAN. Everyone got that? What is wrong with our
discourse on this subject? Has everyone lost their mind? Back in 2006 Olmert,
Livni, and Petertz expressed worry over the “point of no return”(enrichment
capacity). Six years later the central talking point of Netanyahu and Barak is
the “zone of immunity.”(the construction of an impenetrable underground bunker
in Qom) Meanwhile, all credible N.I.E.’s have been broadly consistent: Iran
keeps its options open with weapons grade enrichment while maintaining no discernable
weapons program. Unlike the Sorties against Syria and Iraq, tactical
constraints and incomplete intelligence preclude the Israelis from conducting
surgical strikes within the country. A pre-emptive military option entails
enormous risk, particularly considering the vast terrain and the likelihood of
as of yet undiscovered sites mean the chances of successfully hitting the right
facilities are dubious at best. Lethal espionage, industrial sabotage,
vice-grip sanctions that have rendered the Rial essentially worthless, and the
slow choking off of the country’s oil exports have all worked reasonable well.
Have we mentioned that there exists enormous discord between the rival factions
within the Guardian Council? Internal politics is a mess and the greens will
rise again as the country’s economy descends further. The West is supposed to
risk everything with a belligerent show of force that will give the weakened
Regime an excuse to rally its disaffected population? NO ONE IS GOING TO BOMB
IRAN. Let it go, people. When will we learn that we’ve been talking about an
option that has technically been of the table for over six years? Let it
go.
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (2 to 1 Odds for bookie)
1)
Argentina
2)
Bosnia & Herzegovina
3)
Nigeria
4) Iran
Overall
Championship Odds
Argentina
(NO BETS) Bosnia
& Herzegovina (9 to 1) Nigeria
(12 to 1) Iran (32
to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
Argentina
(NO BETS) Bosnia
& Herzegovina (NO BETS) Nigeria
(Straight up) Iran (4
to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
Argentina
(NO BETS) Bosnia
& Herzegovina (2 to 1) Nigeria
(3 to 1) Iran (12
to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
Argentina
(NO BETS) Bosnia
& Herzegovina (4 to 1) Nigeria
(6 to 1) Iran (16
to 1)
