Your “Syndicate Hangover” is proudly presented by
“Pißwasser Pils”
BITTE EIN PIß!!
Day 3: Recap
Record—
Spread: 2-6
Straight up: 4-4-0
Hot Girl
Standings
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Columbia
|
25
|
1
|
Netherlands
|
24
|
1
|
Costa Rica
|
21
|
1
|
Cote d’Ivoire
|
21
|
1
|
Japan
|
20
|
1
|
Brazil
|
18
|
1
|
Chile
|
15
|
1
|
Mexico
|
13
|
1
|
Spain
|
12
|
1
|
Australia
|
11
|
1
|
Uruguay
|
9
|
1
|
Italy
|
9
|
1
|
Greece
|
8
|
1
|
Croatia
|
6
|
1
|
Cameroon
|
6
|
1
|
England
|
4
|
1
|
Bom Dia Football Fans,
In case you haven’t noticed, we’ve got an unassailable
firecracker of a fucking football tournament on our hands. Your friendly bookie
has neither seen nor dreamed of a start like this. End-to-end action. Endless
goals. Free-flowing play. This is what football is all about! Another
action-packed day. For those keeping track, that’s 28 Goals from only EIGHT
matches.
An average of 3.5 Goals per game sets this tournament pace
to smash all the previous records. It’s already the highest scoring tournament
since 1982. We’ve not yet seen a draw or a goalless match and no fixture has
come even remotely close to being a bore. At this point in 2002 we were
discussing pitch conditions. In 2006 we were calculating the historic number of
bookings. In 2010 we were still waiting for a team to catch fire (It took three
days before ze Germans finally lit it up).
Hell yes these Latin Americans really know how to do it! How
about those turbocharged Columbians and the upstart Costa Ricans? “PURA VIDA”!
Los Ticos shock the World. We’ve got our first major bombshell. The entire
Globe isn’t merely alight, we’re detonating more fusion blasts than the Sun
itself. BOOM! “PURA VIDA” Please Herr Blatter. PLEASE! Let’s come back to Latin
America in eight years time. Fuck Qatar. I don’t want to go to Qatar. Let’s
stay here where we belong. We’ve been gone for 26 years. Give Beckenbauer some
shady financial deals and bring us back home.
PURA VIDA!
(Fuck Qatar)
PURA VIDA!
(Fuck Qatar)
PURA VIDA!
The Latin American style of play influences all the
participants. Even the Wops and the Limeys played an uncharacteristically
up-tempo instant masterpiece last night. Broadly speaking, the Latin American
game distinguishes itself from the European one with a preeminent focus on
speed and improvisation. Europeans play beautiful football too, but our game
hinges more on technical exploitation of set pieces and the lateral use of the
pitch. Northern teams generally work the flanks more and focus on crosses. The
Southern Style is to pour forward, rely on incisive through-balls, and
flick/trick your way past the defensive ranks.
Yes, yes. There’s plenty of contrarian evidence to consign
this rather lazy assessment right into the dustbin. Strip away the baroque
language and your friendly bookies point essentially reads: “Duh…white people
be dancin' like this and black people be dancing like this.” I might as well be
aiming to get booed off the stage during “Honky Night” on “Showtime at the
Apollo”. I won’t be publishing my theory in any peer-reviewed journals. I’m
simply excited about the ebullient start that we’re off too.
Read the next section on the “EU Wing Theory” or skip it.
Either way you’ve no choice but to concede that the globe is pulsating.
BOOM!
PURA VIDA
Far back in the Syndicate narrative (twelve years ago to be
precise), your humble chronicler developed what was known as “The EU Wing
Theory”. The coinage was meant as a homage to the blessed and consecrated
“Ewing Theory” established by the hallowed Bill Simmons. Here’s a modest
sample:
From WM 2002—“The Humble Beginnings of a Syndicate”
Argentina 
Here’s
my pick to win it all and I’ll tell you why. With home-field advantage
virtually nullified in Asia, either Brazil or Argentina will win this thing.
Such was the case the last two times the World Cup was held on “neutral ground”
1986-Mexico
(Argentina wins)
1994-USA
(Brazil wins)
After
studying the history of this tournament, I’m fairly certain that European
ground will always produce a European winner and South American ground will
likewise abide by this rule. When the tournament is held on “neutral” ground,
the spontaneous improvisational style of the South Americans wins out over the
more mechanical European technique.
The
European game relies heavily on lateral movement. Play is spread out with the
ultimate objective of feeding the ball out to the wing. This leaves little room
for the astounding individual play, where one exceptionally talented player
dazzles, breaking four or five tackles to make a sparkling individual run and
opening all sorts of options. When playing on European soil, EU players are
able to “feed” off the energy of the crowd and unleash such impromptu plays.
The South Americans live for such moments and are less impeded by thoughts of
strategy and tactical spread.
I
hereby christen this the “EU-Wing Theory” and declare that I confidently
support Argentina in this tournament. They have an awesome team, led by captain
Juan Sebastian Veron. He happens to be the true Manchester United Superstar.
Watch and see.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Holy
Shit! If I may humbly request a moment, the screwing back of my eyeballs into
my skull is an exigent matter! I had completely forgotten about this nascent
construct and never brought it up again. The “EU-Wing Theory” is obviously a
play on Bill Simmons’ famous “Ewing Theory”. At this time, Simmons was the only
columnist I read religiously and my head swam with all his magic fingers
produced. I remain a steadfast Simmons Apostle and would melt in the same
manner he did when meeting Lary Bird should I ever catch a glance of him in the
flesh. What makes this passage worthy of a tangent is that we may now
quantitatively assess this theory to ascertain if it had any merit. True, Spain
smashed the whole hypothesis to pieces in 2010, along with Germany and Holland.
However, the unusual appearance of Uruguay in the Final Four plants a lingering
seed of doubt. Following an inevitable Brazil win in 2014, I eagerly anticipate
the 2018 Russian and 2022 Qatari tournament. Those back-to-back “neutral
ground” contests will climactically determine whether 2010 was an aberration or
not. Will Europe or South America prevail? I can scarcely believe how excited I
am to witness my 39th birthday!
From WM 2002—Round One:
Argentina vs. Nigeria
vs. 
Heart palpitations ensue. I’ve thrown my lot in with the
Argentines and the “EU-Wing Theory”. Here comes the first test. I expect them
to come out with guns blazing. Should their coordination not necessarily match
their talent, they can always cheat Maradona style.
THE
LINE: Argentina +2 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT: Argentina 1, Nigeria 0. Not ready for primetime
yet. The “EU-Wing Theory” did in due time find corroboration in this
tournament. I simply picked the wrong squad.
From WM 2010—Quarterfinals (Part I):
Netherlands
vs. Brazil
vs. 
Much
vaunted, this Dutch team has managed to consistently bore the yellow bial out
of us. I myself have not been so personally humiliated since I was caught in a
room with the McKinley High School Girl’s Soccer team without pants by a
respected judge L I have bragged about this team. I have
emphatically declared that van Persie and van Bommel would wow us like only
soft-core porn star Kayani Lei could do. Sadly, I have once again been caught
sans pants L L Time for our flying Dutchmen
to go. Brazil shall not repeat the mistakes of 2006. In case you haven’t heard,
this is not the tournament for former African colonial masters. It belongs to
the lively Latin Americans.
THE
LINE: Brazil +2
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Netherlands 2, Brazil 1. Whoa. In the greatest challenge to the “EU Wing
Theory” to date, the Oranje motored past the Samba Kings thanks to a brace from
a central midfielder….and a Felipe Melo implosion. Anyone watching the first
half would not have predicted this outcome. The Dutch looked outright flaccid
as they tried to counter their improvisational freewheeling opponents. Somehow,
Sneijder was able to deliver the Drago punch from Rocky IV. “They’re not
machines! They’re men!” The Dutch coasted on through.
Melo
began the match in fine form, threading in a very inviting ball for Robinho
that split Ooijer and Hetinga. Robinho scored his unofficial second goal (the
first disallowed on account of an offsides ruling). Brazilian dominance
persisted throughout the opening chapter. Danny Alves and Gilberto Silva were
flying past their midfield counterparts, driving in very tasty crosses for Juan
and Luis Fabiano. Neither one of them missed by much. Stekelenburg outright
burglarized Kaka out of a sure goal with a spectacular palm save at full
stretch.
Things
weren’t looking much better after the restart, even after Sneijder was falsely
credited with a Felipe Melo own goal. Sneijder sent in a rather meek looking
cross after taking a short free kick from Robben. Cesar and Melo were evidently
not simpatico on who was to clear it and the two collided, the ball grazing
Melo’s head before rolling into the back of the net. Nothing more than a 53rd
minute fluke. Kaka came close to mounting a response, but fifteen minutes later
it was Sneijder with a legitimate goal. Van Bommel astutely headed on a Robben
corner and Sneijder maintained calm concentration to head it in with a lurching
header. The man who was supposed to be marking him? None other than Felipe
Melo. He lost all sense of composure when, six minutes after the second goal,
he frustratingly stomped his spikes into Robben, who had already gone to
ground. The exceptionally nasty foul earned him a straight red.
Ten-men
Brazil had no answer for a now supremely confident Inter-Milan midfielder. Ten
minutes from time Sneijder nearly snatched the hat trick, simply losing his
bearings in a one-on-one meeting with Cesar. All Dunga could do was bring in
the hitherto unheard of Nilmar, who never really got his head in the game. For
the second straight tournament, the Brazilians had choked in the quarterfinals
stage. I’ve got five on them breaking this curse in 2014. Five thousand, that
is.
Let’s get everyone caught up on all the exciting action from
Day Three. Yesterday your friendly bookie augured that the overall pace of
matters would invariably slow down a bit. “What goes up, must come down”? Screw
Newton. We’re defying gravity. Slow down, you say? Slow down and prepare for
Jack Bolling’s “malice”? SLOW DOWN?
Surely it was time to take our foot of the gas pedal. The
reliably boring and stingy defensive Greek Pirate Ship only conceded FOUR
MEASLEY goals in European Qualifying. Besides that, Radamel “El Tigre” Falcao
would be watching this game from the stands! The “Coffee Growers” were having
none of it. They stormed out of the gate like they had just downed eight
espressos and snorted four rails of Premium Columbian Blow. Armero’s 6th
minute goal took a deflection, but it was the culmination of some great play in
and out of the box. Zapata and Cuardado were in involved in the build up.
Zapata punted an awesome long ball forward and Cuardado executed some wicked
sling dribbling. James Rodriguez proved himself a team player with the faux
layoff. BOOM. Another roaring start.
Fernando Santos’s men surprised us all with some attacking
intent of their own. Nice moves from Samaras and mobile Left Winger Panagiotis
Kone. Breathtaking first half. We picked up right where we left off after the
restart. Sweet distance strike from Rodriguez. Incredible flick on from Aguilar
for the second goal. More exciting moments from Gekas and Samaras as the half
wore on and a wonderful top off from Rodriguez deep into injury time.
Whew. Your friendly bookie found himself exhausted after
merely watching this cherry bomb of a match….and it was only the first of four!
SLOW DOWN? Surely the next encounter would bring us back
down. Absent Suarez, the Uruguayans could be depended upon to play ugly and
dirty. We’d have plenty of time to glance away from the screen with all those
midfield whistles and languid throw-ins. This one had “defensive stalemate”
written all over it.
To hell with that. Godin and Cavani generated quality
chances early on, with the latter missing out on a golden opportunity. After
the penalty, Campbell fired a scorching warning shot that just missed Muslera’s
far post. Keylor Navas produced an insanely acrobatic save on Forlan as the
half wound down. Your friendly bookie managed to type up all of two sentences
as the game just wouldn’t let him go.
He managed perhaps a half a sentence during the throbbing
second half. Campbell’s laser meant anything was now possible. Three minutes
later Duarte’s diving header sent him into convulsions. So many intriguing
story lines as Suarez began to warm up. But where would the time to write come
from if the chronicler can’t take his eyes off the screen? Urena’s clinical
finish, Pereira’s nasty foul, Cavani slotting for a non-existent Suarez…how can
one multitask with all this great football?
SLOW DOWN? The Europeans typically start slow in global
tournaments. It’s incredibly hot and humid in Manaus. Additionally, the pitch
is said to be in deplorable condition. Now we’ll apply the brakes and your
friendly bookie could get back to getting a jump on the second round lines.
Prandelli may be even dumb to start Immobile in place of Balotelli. It was time
to wind down.
“Forget it,” said the young phenom and surprise start Raheem
Sterling, “you can sleep when you’re dead.”. He set the tone early with an
audacious missile that nearly tore through the side netting. The young gun was
all over the pitch making things happen. Wellbeck and Rooney seemed more lively
than usual too, regularly playing out of position for an unanticipated influx
of innovation. Marchisio’s goal off of Pirlo’s dummy was answered in gorgeous
fashion by Rooney and Sturridge at the other end. Oh what a brilliant tally it
was! The blistering Cut & Run up the left side, the sumptuous arc of the
cross, the flawless leaping finish. GOAL OF THE TOURNAMENT!
We were far from done. Balotelli’s square lob and Jagielka’s
dramatic header away brought the first half to a close. Mr. “Why Always Me” got
his goal shortly after the break, blowing up most of my e-mail boxes with
Syndicate Member celebrations from all over the globe. More great chances,
intriguing substitutions, and non-stop action kept me glued to the screen until
the final whistle.
SLOW DOWN? C’mon now. It’s going on 3 a.m. in Germany! Your
friendly bookie can barely remember which teams are playing tomorrow. He can’t
keep his book straight. Lines, Member Numbers, and Lineups are all blurring.
“Les Elephants” are one of the tournament’s oldest and slowest teams. The Japs
don’t have a real “Number 9”. Surely it would be possible to keep one weary eye
on the computer screen.
Shinji Okazaki, Kagawa, and Keisuke Honda would allow no
such thing. The trio combined for fluid passing and a damn swell finish to
tease the upset. Cote d’Ivoire desperately needed to reverse the flow of
first-half traffic, which saw the Blue Samurai garner more exciting chances to
pump up your bookies adrenaline. Drogba was introduced in the 62nd
and my African boys scored two goals in rapid succession. Both came off of
Aurier crosses. One for Wilfred Bony in the 64th. One for Gervinho
in the 66th. Drogba wasn’t directly involved, but it looked like his
mere presence threw off the Jap marking.
Five a.m. in the Fatherland and your friendly bookie’s blood
still pumped hard. Sometime after sunrise he passed out on the couch, clutching
his “11 Freunde: Sonderheft” like it was the girl of his dreams. What a fucking
day, football fans! What a tournament! PURA VIDA!
PURA VIDA!
“Riffs
of the Day”—Day Three
Reader:
Spain doesn’t need your pity. We have two European Championships and a World
Cup
Vicey:
Hmmm…I wonder why so many are rooting for you to lose. Incidentally, Germany
has THREE European Championships and THREE World Cups in case you were
wondering ; )
Reader:
BALOTELLI. THAT’S MY N****!
Vicey:
An amalgam of some of the thoughts expressed by African fans stationed around
the world. Africans LOVE Balotelli. He’s the ultimate European immigrant. We
Europeans like to pretend as if we feature wholly inclusive societies, but the
truth is that many of our countries are more xenophobic and racist than the American
Tea Party. Sad but true. ; (
Balotelli
broke into one of Europe’s most intolerant and prejudiced cultures (Italy). He
raised his middle finger at all of Europe’s bullshit assimilation expectations.
He’s a proud narcissist in a land where narcissism is supposed to be subtly
expressed. He exposed the hypocrisy of it all, and continues to produce no
matter what a bunch of wry, self-righteous, sanctimonious, and inexcusably
judgmental Euro-philes think or write about him. That’s why Africans love Balotelli.
Why not? Europe gets what it deserves…and I’m cool with that.
Vicey
gets it……DEAD WRONG?
From WM 2014—Day Two Recap
Our tournament is off to a ferocious start. No draws. No
nil-nil matches. 15 goals from four fixtures! Incredible. What goes up must
come down of course, and I can only hope we're not in for a slow day.
Editors
Retroactive Notes:
He….he….he….he…..HA HA HA HA HA!!
DAY
FOUR--PREVIEW
I don’t see it slowing down, gentlemen. Not with these
teams. Enjoy what’s left of your weekend.
Switzerland vs. Ecuador
vs. 
It’s Vicey’s “Upset Special” and the line is holding! Man,
do I ever wish I had cashed in on the Ticos. ; ( ; ( Oh well. I like this line
more than ever
THE
LINE: Ecuador +1 Goal (holding)
France vs. Honduras
vs. 
Can’t wait to see Griezman in action. The line holds if any
remain interested
THE
LINE: France +2 Goals (holding)
Bosnia & Herzegovina vs. Argentina
vs.
End your day at the historic Maracana! It’s at long last
time for us to see the Golden Lillies in action! One might call this the “Prime
Time Matchup”, but the undercards hold the potential to be just as exciting
THE
LINE: Argentina +1 Goal (rolling from +2)
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
