Introduction—“Another ‘Group of Life’”
(Switzerland, Ecuador, Honduras, France)
What does one make of group in which the Swiss are the
highest ranked country? One makes another “Group of Life”, of course.
Seriously, the Swiss? The “Goat Herders”? The “Alpine Assholes”? THE SWISS? No
way. Your friendly bookie isn’t having any of it. Someone sound our
time-honored alarm:
We go BLAH!
(alpine horn)
We go BLAH!
German General Ottmar Hitzfeld has assembled a team every
bit as boring as a trip to the Guyelles Cheese-Processing Factory. Like the
great Swiss medical student Victor Frankenstein, he’s once again stitched
together a patchwork of human refuse to create a hulking, slow moving,
hideously ugly monster that clumsily destroys everything it its path.
Okay that last part isn’t entirely accurate. I think
Frankenstein was a biologist.
In addition, the Swiss don’t necessarily win ugly. They
sport regular goalscorers in Bundesligists Xerdhan Shaquir, Tranquilo Barnetta,
and Josip Drmic. One simply hates to see this afterthought of a country be
gifted a trip to the Knockout Stages. Preferably, one wishes to read this
grouping as a gift to France, Ecuador, and Honduras; actual legitimate nations.
The French should have no problem topping this “junk group”. I’ll augur that
Ecuador will rise to the occasion as well. The Hondurans aren’t going
anywhere…other than to a lawn care service near you.
Switzerland—“Die
Schweizer Nati”
The Swiss aren’t exactly welcoming of immigrants except as
pertains to their football team. Strikers Drmic, Seferovic, and Gavronovic are
all of Bosnian descent. Captain Gökhan Inker is a Turk. Midfield stars Granit
Xhaka, Blerim Dzemali, and Xerdhan Shaquir are Albanians. Three Africans and a
Spaniard are also among “Hitzfeld’s Heroes”.
The Swiss out-diversify the Germans in this tournament. As
we shall see in a few days time, the immigrant character of Die Mannschaft
sadly fades away. ; (: ( The Swiss coasted through qualifying mostly thanks to
goals from Xhaka, Inler, and Shaquiri, though homegrown boys Fabian Schär and
Tranquilo Barnetta pitched in too. Barnetta and Gelson Fernandez are the most
notable holdover from the 2010 side that couldn’t get out of the group after
drawing with Honduras. Both appear to have lost their starting spots/ Von
Bergen, Senderos, Benaglio, Inler, and even Drmic were on that side, but none
started regularly or featured prominently.
Many recognizable Swiss names are either retired or no
longer in Hitzfeld’s line of sight. Midfield mainstay Benjamin Huggel announced
his retirement on the day the Swiss were eliminated in South Africa. So did
defender Lugovich Magnin Former team captain and all-time leading scorer
Alexander Frei withdrew from international competition after being regularly
heckled by Swiss fans in 2011. Talismanic veteran Hakin Yakin hung up his
cleats shortly thereafter. Defender Stephane Grichting followed suit. Fullback
Mario Eggiman fell out of Hitzfeld’s favor. Ditto attackers Pirim Schwegler,
Eren Derdiyok, and Albert Bunjaku.
The German legend thus trots out a starting eleven comprised
of ten outfielders, none of whom have scored a goal in meaningful international
competition. The aforementioned Gelson Ferandez (Cape Verdian by birth) tallied
in Switzerland’s stunning scalp of Spain in 2010, but it appears he’s lost his
job to Herta left-winger Valentin Stocker for now. Bullied by the press, this
new generation of Swiss footballs insist they’re ready for the big time. We
shall see.
Drmic doesn’t quite have the height to compete in their
air. Stocker and Behrami haven’t
scored for their country in two and four years respectively. Xhaka, Shaqiri,
Inler give the Nati the potential for nice triangulation in the middle of the
pitch, but fullbacks Rodriguez and Lichtsteiner are too inconsistent up the
flanks. Hitzfeld’s benching of Philippe Senderos in favor of red-hot younger
Fabian Schär makes sense from a performance standpoint, but one wonders whether
or not it will mess things up tactically.
The Swiss were awarded perhaps the weakest group in European
qualifying and now their fortune extends to the World Cup finals. They’ll
likely get through, supplying us with maybe one or two goals in the process.
Projecting
the Swiss Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Josip Drmic
|
Valentin Stocker
Xerdhan Shaqiri
|
Granit Xhaka
|
Gökhan Inler
Valon Behrami
|
R. Rodriguez S. von Bergen F. Schär S. Lichtsteiner
|
Diego Benaglio
|
The
Talisman—Gökhan Inler 
He knows how to whip in a perfect cross, and can let fly
with some real lasers as well. Everyone likes to think of FC Bayern Winger
Xherdan Shaqiri as this team’s star, but he’ll accomplish little without
quality services from the captain. “A
Syndicate Classic”—Switzerland 
From EM 2004: “Revenge of the Syndicate”
Switzerland
Question:
And where are the Irish this go-around?
Answer:
They got shoved down a snow-capped mountain by a bunch of Lederhosen-clad, goat
tending, cheese-fermenting, dirty-money-hoarding goofballs.
We-go-blah.
(Alpenhorn blows) WE-GO-BLAH! Fuck. I hate these alpine assholes, speakers of a
German dialect so diabolically maligned that I wish to reach inside their foul
smelling mouths, grab their imbecilic tongues, and screech lessons in vowel
pronunciation before knocking every last one of their teeth out. The Swiss
arrive for just their second European Championship appearance ever. Insofar as
I’m concerned they can’t depart soon enough. My personal experiences wasting
exorbitant amounts of money traveling in Switzerland certainly play a role in
my intractable hatred of this useless microstate.
More
broadly, who the hell wants to watch a patchwork group of extra-mechanical
Germans, extra-Lazy French, and extra-incompetent-aggravating-dumb-painfully
ugly Italians scamper around the pitch? For Chrissake, how do you take the rural
hillbillies of three separate ethnicities and call it a country? That’s not
fucked up enough for you? How about we throw in some small communities of
inbred ogres who have been speaking Vulgar Latin and fucking their cousins
since the first century BCE? Yes, we’ll call it Switzerland! A nation of
outcasts living on unconquerable terrain where every nation can stash their
bloody spoils of war! Have I mentioned that these trolls purport to claim
racial superiority as well? Piss on these revoltingly arrogant puffs of cow
flatulence!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
And a young writer finds his voice…through a hate-laced
diatribe punctuated by a bovine fart joke. This will be immortally etched in
stone at Oxford someday.
From EM 2008—Round Two:
15)
Switzerland
Well
done, hosts! You have the dubious distinction of being ranked near the very
bottom, propped up only by your impotent brethren. Thanks so much for inviting
us in. The real Germans will take it from here.
From EM 2008—Round Three:
15) Switzerland
It’s the “Mississippi of Europe”. A fetid backwater of
hicks and inbreds. Man do I ever like the sound of that. To be fair to
Mississippi, at least they gave us some decent writers and Blues music.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
I made
a huge mistake here and I can’t help kicking and flagellating myself for my
error. The Swiss had actually already been eliminated at the time I wrote this.
They should have been included in the “Goodbyes” section. What? Oh you
thought…..
From EM 2008—Quarterfinals
Moving right along, there are SEVEN goodbyes to be made.
Before getting to the lines, an irreverent farewell to those whose European
Dream has gone the way of South Korean beef imports:
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Ugh.
Insofar as I recall, I was trying to allude to the Korean protests of the USDA
Mad Cow Ruling. The joke was of course lost on everyone…including “future Vice”
Switzerland
Out with a bang that only partially made up for the
opening whimper. "Ach, Gunther. Our bizarre little microstate hast failed
again. I must take solace in the "Shrine of Account #68943534"
Ecuador—“La
Tri”
If you’re looking to fit anyone for a Cinderella slipper,
look no further than Antonio Valencia’s “La-Tri”. After missing out on 2010,
the FEF scooped up Columbian manager Reinaldo Rueda (then fresh off a
four-year-stint with Honduras). Rueda didn’t tinker much with the FEF’s Prime
Directive. The team still plays a classic 4-4-2 with one Big Target Forward and
an anchoring speedster. It’s been said that this system is sacred.
Rueda’s Big Target Man is former Man City prospect Felipe
Caicedo. Since leaving the Etihad, Caidedo has bounced around Portugal, Spain,
Russia, and Kuwait. Although he may not have established himself with a club,
he’s always demonstrated strength in corner battles and precision heading.
Enner Valencia is the little piston. He’s quick enough to carve out space
anywhere in the box at a millisecond’s notice. Such agility has enabled him to
score 18 times in 22 appearances for his Mexican club this season. He’s also
scored in his last three caps for his country.
If the course the REAL Valencia on this team is ManU’s
Antonio. He doesn’t often find the back of the net for the storied club, but he
does invaluable work on the right flank and figures in most of the stronger
runs of play. Valencia is joined in midfield by fellow veterans Castillo,
Noboa, and Montero. The four players have international 231 caps among them,
giving Ecuador by far the most experienced center of gravity in the tournament.
As if that weren’t enough, Edison Mendez and Luis Saritama are available off
the bench. They contribute another 150 combined caps.
The vast experience of this squad extends to the back four.
Left Back Walter Ayovi captained the back line almost interrupted since 2002.
(as it so happens he missed the 2006 World Cup for unexplained reasons. Right
Back Juan Carlos Paredes has held his job for four years. Centerback Jorge has
been off an on the first team for well over a decade.
Man, we really had a blast with this country back in 2006.
They demolished Poland 2-0 and stomped all over Costa Rica 3-0 to finish second
in their group behind the glorious Fatherland. They gave us a well-fought
battle against the Three Lions in the Round of 16 too. All the emphasis on “experience”
serves to highlight how delighted I am that so many players are returning after
six long years. Guaga, Mendez, Castillo, and Saritama all return. One really
wishes it wasn’t too late for Austin Tenorio and Austin Delgado. Regrettably,
six years turns out just to be too damn long for some.
Antonio Valencia also returns. He was but a teenage lad
playing in the Spanish League back then. Now everything hinges on
him….EVERYTHING. Factors working against a repeat of 2006’s success story
include really poor coordination in the defensive ranks, an awfully skinny
keeper who has difficultly punching the ball clear, and a general lack of
creativity on the left side of midfield.
It’s up to Valencia to overcome these limitations and slice
some through balls in for his forwards. They’ve proven that they can finish,
but first they’ll need the ball.
Projecting
the Ecuadorian Lineup (4-4-2)
Enner
Valencia Felipe
Caicedo
|
Jefferson
Montero
Antonio Valencia
|
Christian Noboa
Segunda Castillo
|
Walter Ayovi
J.C. Paredes
|
Jorge Guagua
Frickson Erazo
|
Alexander Dominguez
|
The
Talisman—Antonio Valencia 
We need form like this if we have any hope of dislodging the
Swiss: “A
Syndicate Classic”—Ecuador
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with A Vengeance”:
Ecuador
v. Uruguay
vs. 
It’s
do or die time for these two clubs in what can only be described as…..dammit.
Of course, the match is being held in Quito and I simply can’t think of
something catchy to attach to the venue. Shit. Were they playing in Uruguay,
one could easily dub it “Montevideo Madness”! Oh well…Let’s see where else
asinine alliteration and some shallow cultural references can get us. Will
ManU’s Antonio Valencia lead his boys to the promised land of Ecuadorian
Ecstasy? Or will Athletico striker Diego Forlan and the madmen from Montevideo
rain on their Jipijapa? Okay. That REALLY sucked. You write a global
sportsbook. Go ahead. Your mother liked this one.
THE
LINE: Ecuador+2 Goals
Honduras—“La
Bicolor”
Oh this team is bad. I mean BAD. They’re plenty of names
that you’ll recognize…but they’re BAD. Forget not finishing dead last in the
Group or fighting not to finish 32nd overall. We’ll concede that. It
will constitute a surprising moral victory if the “Big Blue H” can pull off
their first victory ever at the World Cup Finals. They’ve got an enthusiastic
backer in this bookie. I’d love to see the feisty little underdogs succeed.
It’s just that they’re….well…They’re BAD. I’d almost rather re-post my thoughts
on the 2009 Coup than discuss this team.
Bad, Bad, BAD!
Lead striker Jerry Bengston has problems scoring…..against
MLS competition. Wilson Palacios has yet to score for Stoke City. Roger
Espinoza has tallied all of once for Wigan. Maynor Figueroa and Juan Carlos
Garcia have been tremendous flops for Hull City and Wigan respectively. The
rest of the roster is predominantly filled with a mixture of domestic league
players and MLS Second-Stringers. We need to do away with CONCACAF. Merge it
with COMNEBOL or the OFC. DO SOMETHING. The North American Qualifying
Conference continually produces teams capable of little beyond humiliating
proud players who absolutely don’t deserve to be subjected to this kind of mistreatment.
Left Back Emilio Izaguirre remains worth a look. He’s turned
in three solid seasons for Celtic-Glasgow of the Scottish Premiership as a
stay-at-home fullback. Highlights below. I simply cannot bring myself to write
any more about this team. The mind wanders. Having broached Celtic, all I can
think about now is how in the hell Glasgow Rangers got arbitrarily placed in
the Scottish Third Division, where in the hell the greatest Derby in the world
is, and why the Scots have to make everything too complicated.
Get it together, Vicey. Must find a way of encapsulating
this section somehow. Hmmm…
“La Bicolor” are a terrible team…in the worst group of the
tournament. Nuff Said.
Projecting
the Honduran Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Jerry Bengston
|
Roger Espinoza Wilson Palacios
|
Carlo Costly
|
Andy Najar
Luis Garrido
|
E. Izaguirre M. Figueroa V. Bernandez J.C. Garcia
|
Noel Valladares
|
The
Talisman—Emilio Izaguirre 
He’s actually quite good. Incisive passing. Curling crosses.
Well-timed tackling. All skills one might expect from the 2011 Scottish Player
of the Year. Don’t expect too much out of him offensively, even the lad can
dribble: “A
Syndicate Classic”—Honduras
From WM 2010—Round of Sixteen (Part I):
The
“Big Blue H” of Honduras (3 games played, 16 Hot Girls)
A
bittersweet (or outright miserable) moment for me as I must say goodbye to some
people I have great respect for. The Zelaya jokes from last Fall retired, I’d
like to give a shout out to all of my Honduran mates. Farewell my old
Spanish-town pal Marco, my old girl Loupe, the guys who did my roof, Manuel the
Gardner, Taquito the tire man, all the guys on the N.O. cleanup crew, the
janitor at my middle school, my former boss Pepe the Poolman, Ramon the
part-time adult film star, Concietta the part-time adult film star, Esteban
from the drive-thru, Julio from the Restaurant, Mauricio from Valet, Giorge
from the take-out pizza parlor, Jose from the bar, and of course Pablo down at
the office.
To all
the Hondurans working a crappy job, or those who had the misfortune to work a
shitty job with me: I salute you! So sad that you had to be this year’s
“CONCACAF Doormat.” I also apologize for the way Americans treat you. As
someone who has worked an endless sting of shitty jobs, I don’t understand how
why we always must be resented. I’d write more about your team, but I have to
get back to my current shitty job…….
France—“Les
Bleus”
This bookie likes their chances. Ze Frogs follow a pattern
that, while capricious, is perfectly predictable. It’s almost as if they’re
nothing more than a bunch overly-ruminative bi-polar rubes! Don’t believe me?
Consider the evidence:
1998—World Champions
2002—Cataclysmic embarrassment that lost to their
former colony, finished dead last in their group, and failed to score a single
goal
2006—World Runners-up
2010—Absolute travesty that collapsed amid a internal
revolt, finished dead last in the group, and sent one quarter of the players
home before the final match.
2014—Champions? Runner’s Up? Bronze Medalists?
It’s France, Gentlemen. They’re essentially your bi-polar
girlfriend. Instead of running on an eight-hour-cycle, they run on an
eight-year-cycle. One year they’re making passionate love to you, astounding
you with their overwhelmingly brilliant pontifications, and making you believe
in the universal connectedness of all sentient life. Four years later they’re
screeching incoherent accusations at you, chain smoking Gauloises, and
threatening to jump off the roof. Four years after that they’re tenderly
rekindling your belief in a higher power, going down on you twice daily, and
cooking you sumptuous dishes that release endorphins you never dreamed existed.
Four years down the road, they’re slashing your tires, threatening castration,
and mailing your mother death threats.
You get the idea. It’s France. They rise high. They burn.
They emerge from the ashes. They burn again. It’s the most bi-polar country in
the history of the world. They guillotine a monarchy, and then reinstate it.
They expel a general, then take him back They popularly elect a leader, then
destroy his approval ratings even faster than Americans do. Expect nothing less
from an overly philosophical race that looked to America for inspiration.
Beyond this embryonic theory, there are plenty of other
reasons why we should expect this team to go far. Laurent Blanc did an
excellent job reconfiguring the scaffolding of France’s collapsed house. Though
he was later fired for being a closet racist, his scaffolding still stands.
Oliver Giroud keeps getting better over at the Emirates. He netted 22 Goals for
Arsenal this year during their historic “Return to Silverware Season”. Laurent
Koscielny found his way into Wegners good graces too. Karim Benzema just knocked in 24 for European Champions Real
Madrid. Mathieu Debuchy earned himself a Newcastle contract. Mathieu Valbuena
exceeds his natural talent whenever God and country are on the line.
Perhaps just as important as who Blanc opted to kick out was
who he allowed back into the fold. Franck Ribery is the hardest working
midfielder you’ll ever encounter. He just completed another magnificent season
for Bayern. You better not blink when he’s in possession of the ball. Patrice
Evra was one of the few steady bright spots in ManU’s disappointing campaign.
New trainer Didier Deschamps adds his own stamp. He
unexpectedly left off Samir Nasri in favor of this kid Paul Pogba. Smart move.
The wee lad has come alive since moving to Juventus. He’s brought in Moussa
Sissoko. Another smart move. The Newcastle international creates opportunities
no matter where he finds himself on the pitch. He reeled in Real Madrid
centerback Raphael Varane. Wise decision. It’s not as if Mexes or Rami were
viable options.
They’re poised for a title run, gentlemen. Let the pattern
be proven. Let ze French eat cake. Let them tear through all the inferior
competition this sad group has to offer. Vive!
Projecting
the French Lineup (4-3-3)
Karim Benzema
|
Franck Ribbery Mathieu Valbuena
|
Yohan Cabaye
Blaise Matuidi
|
Moussa Sissoko
|
P. Evra R. Varane L. Koscielny M. Debuchy
|
Hugo Lloris
|
The
Talisman—Franck Ribery 
No sets up his fellow players like this man. Back in 2012 I labeled this man, who deliberately refuses vainglorious plastic surgery, as my “Alpha Dog”. Frank Ribery just fucking works his ass off. He’s the football equivalent of a Shadow Scholar. Fuck the accolades. Fuck the endorsements. Just get to work. Keep kickin’ ass.
He’s a man’s man. He’s also “the man”. Enjoy.
“A
Syndicate Classic”—France
From
WM 2010—“Round One”
Uruguay
vs. France
Never a shortage of reasons to hate the frogs,
particularly if you happen to be a German EU proponent. This Greek crisis gave
the other half of the Franco-German Engine more opportunities to propose
fantastically stupid grandiose ideas that the Germans end up paying for. A
European Monetary Fund (EMF) to protect YOUR bond purchases? Solidarity always
seems like a great idea until you send us the bill. Naturally, I could go on
and on, bitching about the Airbus board, the Sarkozy-Villepin nonsense,
anti-music piracy laws, and continued West African oppression, Loads of stuff
to love about the French as well. Sometimes, however, it simply feels like
having a hot, chronically depressed, chain-smoking girlfriend who brings the
thunder in bed, yet never shuts up and never picks up the check L
L
Sorry Froggies, but you have no right to be here this
time. The infamous “Henry Handball” is not forgotten. Not only did you rob the
deserving Irish of a spot here in King Zuma’s court, you also deprived us all
of Giovanni Trappatoni!! I cannot forgive you for this sweetie. You should have
done the honorable thing and replayed the match!! I’m picking you today as an
inferior opponent has no chance against Anelka, Malouda, Gallas, and Govou.
Otherwise, I expect you to meet your demise fairly early.
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (Straight Up for bookie)
1)
France
2)
Switzerland
3)
Ecuador
4)
Honduras
Overall
Championship Odds
France
(Straight Up) Switzerland
(5 to 1) Ecuador
(10 to 1) Honduras
(22 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
France
(NO BETS) Switzerland
(Straight up) Ecuador
(Straight up) Honduras
(3 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds
France
(No Bets) Switzerland
(2 to 1) Ecuador
(4 to 1) Honduras
(8 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
France
(Straight Up) Switzerland
(4 to 1) Ecuador
(6 to 1) Honduras
(17 to 1)
