Introduction—“One Final ‘Group of Life’”
(Algeria, Belgium, Russia, South Korea)
Greetings on what has been a rough 48 hours for football
fans everywhere ; (
Tournament-ending injuries continue to mount up, depriving us of some of
the globe’s best talent in the lead-up to our endless summer. As if the
exclusion of Luis Montes, Radamel Falcao, Luis Suarez, Juan Carlos Medina, and
Phil Jones weren’t enough, the Germans have just lost Marco Reus. He broke his
ankle in a warm-up friendly against Armenia on Friday night. Huge loss for the
Fatherland as he was projected by many (including this bookie) to start up
front. Huge loss for Aral Industries as well. Now what are they do with all
those life-size cardboard cutouts?
Enormous blow to French hopes of making the Knockout Stages
as Franck Ribery threw out his back again. Les Bleaus lose their Talisman and
most consistently exceptional player to a lingering injury. We football fans
lose perhaps the tournament’s best dribbler/set-up man. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Life
moves at a rapid clip. This book can only hope to make a concerted effort to
keep up in real time.
In terms of the Group we’re about to discuss, Zenit St.
Petersburg midfielder Roman Shirokov succumbs to a nagging Achilles Tendon
injury. There goes the Ruskie captain and charismatic midfield general. Oops.
Fabio Capello now has to re-design his entire strategy and figure out how to
re-work lateral play into his offense. The entire Russian game-plan just got
chucked.
Indeed it is that time of year. With the World Cup Dream so
tantalizingly close, the dream harshly and precipitously dies for many worthy
participants. Plans go to hell. Most of our pre-tournament analysis is rendered
completely moot. The good news to be gleaned from all of this is that…WE”RE ALMOST
THERE! To hell with the validity of all our armchair musings. We’re about to
play the matches! Now it truly gets interesting.
We find ourselves less than 96 hours from kickoff, less than
72 hours from uttering the sacred phrase, and less than 48 hours away from full
activation of syndicate communication channels with your friendly bookie. Not
to mention, IT’S SUMMER PEOPLE! Take a stroll outside. The temperature rises
and the girls aren’t even attempting to cover up.
Even those with zero interest in football can certainly
appreciate warm weather, outdoor seating, and scantily clad chicas. Girls in
their summer clothes pass you by….
GIRLS IN THEIR SUMMER CLOTHES!!
….Everyone needs to go out and get laid tonight. EVERYONE!
That’s an order, gentlemen!! ; )
We fittingly close the preview sections with the
tournament’s unprecedented THIRD group of life. The Belgians have long been the
consensus pick for the tournament’s Cinderella. The Algerians and Russians are
nevertheless strong contenders. The South Koreans have reached their nadir in
terms of FIFA’s international rankings. That doesn’t mean this bookkeeper has
any intention of discounting them.
Let’s roll. After all, we all have to go out and get laid
tonight, don’t we?
Algeria—“The
Desert Foxes”
After crashing out of the 2013 African Cup of Nations in the
Group phase, the A.F.F. surprisingly opted to retain Bosnian head coach. They
stuck with throughout a rather tumultuous 2014 World Cup Qualifying Campaign
which saw the Desert Foxes barely sneak by Burkina Faso on the away-goals rule
come playoff time.
To his great credit, Halihodzic appears to have derived the
right lessons from the 2013 Shock. He’s ditched the 4-1-2-3 in favor of an
easier-to-implement Classic 4-3-3. The inconsistent Ryan Boudebouz and Foed
Kadir give way to the surging Sofiane Feghouli, who now appears to now have a
secure spot on the right flank. The Valencia-based attacking midfielder has
finally caught fire over at the regal Mestalla ground. The right-wing best
complements his vision and preferred foot. He’ll be responsible for keeping the
offense in gear.
Mehdi Lacen relinquishes his starting spot in central midfield
to Udinese’s Hassan Yebda. Both players are of equal skill and age, but the
latter simply fits better in the reconfigured scheme. He’ll get a better backup
in young upstart Riyad Mahrez. He began streaking during the second half of
Leister City’s run at the English Championship. A very wise inclusion. More
impressive, Halihodzic appears to have found a way to work him into the puzzle.
Shortly after the CAN 2013 debacle, Halihodzic skillfully
snatched up anchoring midfielder Yacine Brahimi from the French ranks. The
promising newcomer scored 15 goals for various French national youth teams. He
has the potential to be a tremendous asset in terms of speed and distribution.
He’s certainly an improvement over Mostefa, Guediourra, Lemmouchia, or whoever the hell else
Halihodzic found himself desperately inserting in the position in hopes of
bringing some tempo to the defensive third.
The back-four has undergone a complete overhaul. Mesbah
takes a seat in favor of Ghoulam. Bougherra returns from injury to take over
for Halliche and reclaim his captain’s armband. Carl Medjani and Aissa Mandi
replace the ineffective committee assignments that left the Desert Foxes porous
at the back. The two Ligue-1-based starters bring with them outstanding recent
form and much-needed pep. Medjani is another recruit stolen from the French
Ranks.
Everyone has a chance in a “Group of Life”. Halihodzic has
already expressed discontentment with his job. Look for him to leave after the
tournament, possibly on a very high note.
Projecting
the Algerian Lineup (4-3-3)
Islam Slimani
|
E.A.H Soudani Sofiane Feghouli
|
Hassan
Yebda Riyad
Mahrez
|
Yacine Brahimi
|
F. Ghoulam M. Bougherra C. Medjani A. Mandi
|
Rais
M’Boli
|
The
Talisman—Sofiane Feghouli 
Feghouli elected to forswear his French eligibility some
three years ago. For the longest time, football analysts shrugged the
commitment off with a perfunctory “Na, und?” It took some time for him to truly
get his form in order, but he’s finally maturing into a very dangerous
right-winger. Here’s a look: “A
Syndicate Classic”—Algeria
From
CAN 2013—“Syndicate: Dark Continent”
The
“Desert Foxes” are back…mostly to annoy me. They’re heavily favored by most
every oddsmaker to take the tournament….again mostly to annoy me. Welcome to
the THIRD installment of “Your friendly bookie doesn’t much care to expend too
much energy on North Africa”. Should we be worried? Damn straight we should.
They beat the everlasting shit out of Libya (contrary to whatever popular logic
dictates, a VERY good team) during the qualifying stages.
I
happened to catch those games via laptop and can attest that they were cold,
clinical, systematic ass-whippings. The desert dwellers have Vitoria Guimaraes
forward El Ardi Himmel Soudani flitting from left to right in what appears to
be a non-spontaneous fashion. Whatever the hell they’ve devised, they’ve got
him sniping from all over pitch. Thus far he’s been capped eight times and
scored six goals. Not to be outdone, his partner Islam Slimani occasionally
hangs back as anchor, pressing forward to function as a target the rest of the
time. More scary stats: 5 goals in 6 caps.
One
must strain hard to find weak links in the midfield. Marseille’s Foued Kadir,
Valencia’s Sofiane Feghouli, and Racing Santander’s Hameur Bouazza. Gulp.
Academica’s Rafik Halliche and A.C. Milan’s Djamel Mesbah will keep things
tight at the back.
Say it
a’int so, Vicey. Sorry. It would come as a great surprise if both Algeria and
Tunisia fail to advance out of this group.
Belgium—“The
Red Devils of Antwerp”
One has to travel far back into the Syndicate Tome to find
the last time the Belgians were represented in one of our books. Way, way back.
Alllll the way back to our first competition back in 2002. An interesting
little factoid for you: The 2002 World Cup represented the SIXTH consecutive
World Cup that the “Brussels Boys had qualified for”. Their absence over the
ensuing relevant chapters of the Syndicate very much constituted a historical
aberration.
Now they return…with a damn devastating lineup no less. It
wouldn’t count as a surprise at all if the “Brugge Brothers” steamroll their
way to the semi-finals. I’m deathly serious. They’ve got the talent and the
momentum. Let’s explore:
Lead striker Roman Lukaku is the latest one rumored to potentially
succumb to injury. This one just broke over the wire shortly after your
friendly bookie finished his opening section. For now we await word, but
nothing cryptic has come over the wire yet. Lukaku will simply sit out a few
training sessions. No one has booked his flight home. The 21-year-old natural
target man just scored 16 goals on loan to Everton this season. Every reason to
believe he’ll be back at the Bridge soon, and that he’ll likely ripen into one
of the Premiership’s best forwards. He racks up goals and assists with his
chest, head, and BOTH his feet. Should he be cleared to play, we have ourselves
a potential Golden Boot Candidate.
Lukaku is supported by Chelsea teammate Eden Hazard on the
left flank and VfL Wolfsburg forward Kevin De Bruyne on the right. Marouane
Fellaini, despite being something of a bust after his ManU transfer, is still a
very talented anchoring striker that keeps the ball glued to his foot in
possession. Trainer Marc Wilmots retains plenty of above-average options off the
bench when it comes to the attack. Everton’s Kevin Mirallas gave Roberto
Martinez eight quality goals this season, many from difficult set-piece
positions. Napoli’s Dries Mertens drove in 13 Serie A strikes as well. Should
all else fail, 19-year-old phenom Adnan Januzaj gave ManU four strikes, mostly
in relief.
Spurs mainstay Moussa Dembele comprises on half of an
extraordinary defensive midfield pairing. Zenit DFM Axel Witsel is also an
adroit passer and an astute defender. Should anyone get past them, they’ll have
Man City’s “Super Centerback” Vincent Kompany and Bayern’s “Super Sub” Daniel
Van Buyten to contend with. Spurs’ Jan Vertonghen also features at left back.
It’s a very intelligent and accomplished back four. One doesn’t see them
conceding too easily.
Even if they stole my precious FCK’s nickname…..who cares?
We stole our moniker from ManU, and our song from Liverpool. Very little stands
in the way of this team and the group’s top spot. Even a “Group of Life” has
rules.
Projecting
the Belgium Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Romelu Lukaku
|
Eden Hazard
Maroune Fellaini Kevin De Bruyne
|
Axel Witsel Moussa
Dembele
|
Jan Vertonghen Toby
Alderweirld
|
Vincent Kompany Daniel
van Buyten
|
Thibault
Courtois
|
The
Talisman— Eden Hazard 
First of all, great porn name! It’s priceless….even better
than “Jack Hammer”, “Rod Johnson”, and “Peter Vice”. Hazard has torn it up for
Chelsea since being signed out of the French League two years ago. At only 5 ft
8 in, he’s very “Lahm-like”. He zips in and out of most any defensive scheme,
crushes long-range efforts when in space, and makes a mockery out of his
markers with his speed and agility. He’s capable of some legitimate wizardry; a
brave little alchemist. Show em’ how it’s done, little man: “A
Syndicate Classic”--Belgium
From WM 2002—“The Humble Beginnings of a Syndicate”:
Belgium
Though this team has attained the title of “Red Devils”,
I prefer to call them the “Brussels Sprouts”. Beyond Brugge and Anderslecht,
there exists no perceptible reason to give two shits about Belgium football…let
alone the country itself. Douglas Adams once bleatingly fictionalized an
instance in which Belgium was the most obscene intergalactic insult. Good for
him. I cannot expect to top that.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Reading
the notes on the past four countries, memories surface of the dank LSU computer
lab, smelling faintly of removed asbestos. This young writer was desperately
pushing the pedal to the floor, unequipped to deal with the reality that he was
running out of gas. As I recall, he began to wonder what he was doing typing up
something that no one would ever read. His thoughts turned to his youth,
feasibly better spent getting high and laid. Against all odds he produced some
farsighted and judicious words about Belgium; the current world record holder
for longest period after elections that a coalition was actually formed. Eight
fucking months. Iraq occupies second place with seven. Have we some idea of how
futile this state is?
Russia—“The
Ruskies”
Perhaps the saddest aspect of the recent incursive
annexation of Crimea (apart from the inhumane subjugation of the Tatars that
is) is the cheapening of the international policy discourse as pertains to
Russia. Two years ago we were discussing the nascent indigenous protest
movement under leaders such as Udaltsov. Now all anyone wishes to talk about is
“Pussy Riot” and Obama’s perceived weakness on Foreign Policy issues.
A country such as Russia deserves a rich discourse. The more
we simplify matters into “bite-size” talking points, the more we disavail
ourselves of innovative solutions to the most important bilateral diplomatic
relationship in the Age of Non-Polarity. Yes…it sucks. I trust the hipster-scum
over at “Vice Media” will soon hijack the discourse in its entirety.
For more ranting, see below. Your friendly bookie still has
a football team to tell you about. The Ruskies return under the auspices of
their third foreign manager in as many tournaments. After overachieving under
Dutch legends Gus Hiddink and Dick Advocaat (“Schwanz Befürworter to Syndicate
Members), the RFU brought in former Real Madrid, Juventus, and England manager
Fabio Capello. He’s quite the skilled one. England enthusiasts such as myself
continue to side with him when asked about the John Terry dispute.
Capello has done an admirable job leading this team in the
direction that the 2012 performance necessitated. Arshavin, Pogrebnyak, and
Pavlyuchencko have been permanently dropped. Kerzhakov, Kokorin, Dzagoev, and
Denisov have received meritorious promotions. The best young Russian domestic
stars form the thrust of this Russian incarnation, steadied by the backbone of
hard-working veterans Vasili Berezutski, Sergei Ingashevich, and Igor Akinfeev.
One hesitates to write off such a tight-knit group, but
Syndicate Rules dictate that a squad composed entirely of players from one
country must be overrated. This is known as the “Trappatoni Tenet”. They’ll
supply us with some entertaining football, but this bookie declines to project
them past the Round of 16.
Projecting
the Russian Lineup (4-3-3)
Alexandr Kerzakov
|
Alexandr
Kokorin Alan Dzagoev
|
Viktor
Faizulin Yuri Zhirkov Denis Gluschkov
|
D. Kombarov
A. Koslov
|
V. Berezutski S. Ingashevich
|
Igor Akinfeev
|
The
Talisman—Alan Dzagoev 
If his performance in Euro 2012 wasn’t enough for you, check
out this athleticism: “A
Syndicate Classic”—Russia
From EM 2012—Group A Preview:
Russia
Transmit
THIS information to Vladimir: His team is wildly overrated. A broad consensus
coalesces around Schwanz Befürworter’s “Sbornaia”, group-thinking them all the
way up to the position of universal favorites to top this bracket. I myself
remain unconvinced. One may recall that I designated the 2008 Russian squad
“the best ever” whilst others all too laxly wrote them off. After Pavlyuchenko
and Arshavin sprung to life and catapulted the Ruskies all the way to the
semi-finals, everyone belatedly joined in. This year we may very well observe
the inverse bandwagon phenomenon.
Too
many incorrectly assume that this highly experienced band of Zenit St.
Petersburg and CSKA Moscow players will automatically duplicate the previous
effort. I acknowledge scrolling down the selection that Advocaat has retained
faith in over a dozen players with 60 or more caps. Herein lies the problem.
Old Schwanz Befürworter appears to behave as if he’s already semi-retired. He’s
not shook up this team in the manner that their non-2010 qualification
necessitated.
I’d be
more pleased to once more invest fidelity in Advocaat’s approach, much as I did
when he coached the Dutch (twice), the South Koreans, Zenit, Rangers, and AZ
Alkmaar. The man racks up successes the way I down beers. Let’s not forget,
however, that he has produced sub par results as well. He had less than stellar
stints with Belgium and the U.A.E. He tanked in Mönchengladbach. Of most
exigent concern is his impending departure to PSV Eindhoven effective July 1st.
Perhaps Dick doesn’t have one foot in retirement, but has simply checked out.
Looking at this archaic club of fragile egos, it seems reasonable to conclude.
We
begin with Roman Pavyluchenko, a tournament all-star back in 2008. Advocaat
judged him a “sleeping giant”, and he rose to the occasion with a magnificent
performance that earned him a fat £14 million paycheck at White Hart Lane.
Though he would score 21 goals for Harry Redknapp’s Spurs over the next 3 ½
years, he exhibited a precipitous drop in form towards the end of the contract
that left him expendable. After being placed on the football equivalent of
waivers CSKA and Spartak Moscow showed no interest in him. He ended up signing
for half his worth with the current third best Moscow club, Lokomotiv, and has
spent most of the last three months on the bench. Andrei Arshavin has also
steadily played less of a role for the Gunners at the Emirates over the years.
By January Wegner wasn’t even considering starting him. In desperation he
secured a last-minute transfer to Zenit St. Petersburg in order to get enough
playing time to maintain tournament fitness levels. Bottom line: Both players
are in the midst of a steep decline, an unfortunately all-too-common occurrence
for players entering their thirties.
Other
questionable selections include Igor Semshov and Konstantin Zyranov in the
packed midfield. What Yuri Zhirkov is still doing at the back after Chelsea
dumped him and every respectable Russian club passed on him is beyond me. Not
trusting the madman in charge of Anzhi Mackhachkala. He throws good money after
bad like a drunken stockbroker on a cocaine binge. Likewise, anchoring
midfielder Roman Shirokov is a mercurial at best. Reportedly, he and Advocaat
have come to one of those understandings that propelled Pavlyuchenko in 2008.
I’ll certainly believe it when I see it.
If the
front is full of either average players or deteriorating hotheads, Russian fans
may take solace in the stabilizing presence of Moscow’s granite giant Sergei
Ignashevich. Now capped 73 times, this enormous iron curtain of a man captains
one supremely stingy back line that only gave up four goals throughout the
entire qualifying stages. Alexander Anyukov and Alexei Berezutski are also
determined defensive stalwarts likely to frustrate any attempts at offense by
the other anemic teams in the group. Perhaps the Sbornia should be considered
favorites after all. Certainly not before Schwanz Befürworter makes some bold
decisions, however.
First,
backup keeper Vyacheslav Malafeev stepped up big time after Igor Akinfeev went
down with an injury last autumn. Malafeev strung together a scoreless streak
that spanned over 500 minutes, a new record for the qualifying stages. Advocaat
must give the red hot Zenit backstop serious consideration, especially after
Akinfeev has not recovered well. Next, the late season form of Stuttgart and
later Fulham’s Pavel Pogrebnyak should elevate him to the starting position at
lone striker. Advocaat faces serious problems with the group of squabbling
has-beens. In addition to the wounded pride of Arshavin, the recently
supplanted Alexander Kerzhakov further complicates the Prima Donna show. The
solution happens to be simple: Sit them all and start Pogrebnyak. Clearly he’s
a player entering full bloom. It’s his turn.
A
Public Service Announcement from your Friendly Bookie
At
first glance it may appear that the Ruskies have some unpronounceable names. In
point of fact, they’ve been translated from the Cyrillic precisely so that you
can pronounce them with the greatest of ease. Not buying it? I’ll show you:
1)
Pavel Pogrebnyak = [PAH-ville POH-greb-NI-ACK] 2)
Sergei Ingashevich = [Sir-gay Ing-GAH-shev-itch] 3)
Roman Pavlyuchenko = [Row-man Pav-LI-OOH-Cheng-KO]
See?
Simple. All one needs is a few seconds to carefully plod through the letters.
Get up to speed on those Russian names as we’re headed there for World Cup
2018. I mean…it’s not as if you don’t have enough time, but why procrastinate?
Yes,
so long as I considered it fair to ramble on about Greek elections, I suppose I
should say a word or two concerning the 2011 Russian Parliamentary elections
and the recent presidential elections. True, the suppression of dissent remains
highly disconcerting, as do many of these toothless puppet “loyal opposition”
parties. Media censorship blows, even if most of the populace can find away
around it. Corruption, stagnation, propaganda……look. I’ll throw my lot in with
the OSCE and assess the non-Orwellian results as largely fair. To an outside
observer, the steadily sinking poll numbers of United Russia would seem to
suggest the country is on the right track away from oligarchy. Absolutely
loving these new Perestroika Protests, essentially ongoing for the last eight
months. Love me some Nemstov, Bykov, Shenderovich, and Shevchuk. I love people
braving frigid weather to bum rush and flash mob public parks. You’re
absolutely correct. They can’t stop you all.
So
Putin has generously allocated a new SIX-year term for himself. So what? He
can’t defeat the Internet. He doesn’t even know how to use the Internet. He’s
never sent an e-mail in his life. He doesn’t know how to use a mouse. He doesn’t know what a screensaver is.
He hasn’t the faintest clue of how you organize yourselves. This guy makes the
late Ted Stevens look up to date. He may be correct in opining that the net is
“80 percent porn”. Hell, some days he may have it spot on. Still, keep up the
good work and he’ll abdicate before 2018. Er…have I mentioned that we’re headed
to Russia in 2018? Try the whole police state thing when 30 million rowdy
football fans descend on your country. Go ahead. Give it a shot.
From CAN 2013—“Syndicate: Dark Continent”
How does one explain a fascination with Africa? Much better
writers than me have tried. We’re talking MUCH, MUCH, MUCH better. Lydia
Polgreen can’t give a satisfactory answer. Jeffery Gettleman can’t put his
finger on it. Dambisa Moyo appears close to the right idea, but can’t seem to put
it in the right words. Gettleman’s inability to articulate his love of the
continent remains the most curious. How can such a brilliant journalist not
explain why this continent enables one to experience life at a level so intense
that it makes one grateful for drawing breath at all?
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
In the
event that the “Gettlemen” reference escaped anyone, Jeffrey Gettlemen is the
Pulitzer-Prize winning East Africa Bureau Chief for the NY Times. His
well-informed and trenchant coverage of matters of genuine public interest and
massive historic significance include the Sudanese genocide, the Congolese
Civil War, the post-election Kenyan ethnic violence, the al-Shabab insurgency
in Somalia, nearly all of the political turmoil in Egypt, and America’s Shadow
Drone war in Yemen. He’s also an indispensable source for in depth political
analyses on the governments in Uganda, Tanzania, Mozambique, and Zambia just to
name a few. In addition to his work in East Africa, he’s served as a war correspondent
in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
He’s
been jailed. He’s been kidnapped, abducted, and detained on multiple
continents. In summary, his courageous reporting, extensive knowledge, and
gifted writing style render him nothing short of a treasure for those of us who
crave salient and straightforward information about the planet on which we
live. He’s always a must read for Africa enthusiasts. Gettleman’s been quite
preoccupied with commentating on the 20th anniversary of the Rwandan genocide
at the moment. I, among many others, anxiously await his more nuanced take on
the C.A.R. situation. When attempting to inform oneself of such a tangled
ethnic conflict, one relies upon a veteran field reporter to locate the right
sources and supply the pertinent information.
By the way, that doesn’t serve as my “official explanation”.
If Gettleman can’t do it, then what hope do I have? For now we’ll say that
Africa receives too much attention from celebrities who are in need of extra
attention for themselves. It’s deplorably sad. Visit a luxury hotel in East
Africa and you’ll see the photos of Bono, Angelina Jolie, some asshole hipster
from the “Vice Magazine” Team wearing a Fedora, and some German douchebag
sporting a Safari Hat and a giant check.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
In the
event that the “Vice Magazine” reference escaped anyone, Shane Smith and his
spoiled hipster cronies are a bunch of talentless bozos busy jerking themselves
off while they go on their own personal safaris. Their ill-informed and
un-informative coverage of their own “party boy” vacations would actually be
entertaining, were they not constantly bragging about what an indispensable
source of “groundbreaking new media” they are. Expect nothing else from
narcissistic hipster scum. Contributions they’ve made to the Global Affairs
Discourse include wandering around the Hindu Kush with all the investigative
zeal of a bunch of lost pub-crawlers, spending a week in Kashmir boasting about
how unique they are, cruising for fat chicks in Mauritania, cruising for
bruised chicks in Tahrir Square, cruising for chicks with single guys in China,
visiting a toxic waste dump in Iraq (naturally only taking time to inform us
about how “dangerous and different” they are), looking up General Butt-Naked in
Liberia whilst sophomorically smirking about the human feces on the beach,
attending what passes for cock fights in Senegal, playing playground pirates in
Nigeria, introducing Dennis Rodman to Kim-Jong Un, and (somehow) finding a few
ultra-rightists in Eastern Europe ready to mouth off for the cameras.
The
“Vice Crew” knows nothing of truly courageous reporting, nor will they ever. In
summary, their self-obsessed thinly-veiled travelogues ensure that no one other
than themselves are even remotely edified. Surely Shane Smith will be headed
back to Africa soon to film an “investigative segment” about what an intrepid
wunderkind he is. Yes, he valiantly treads where NO ONE ELSE (expect for the
foreign bureaus of ALL 20+ major international papers of record, PBS, NPR, the
BBC, Al Jazeera, American PCVs, foreign service agents, and tens of thousands
of Western freelance journalists, filmmakers, entrepreneurs, NGO
Doctors/reporters/volunteers, and accredited scholars) DARE TO GO! Perhaps
we’ll learn a fact or two about the C.A.R. situation after Shane is done
whining about how Canadians “fell the tallest trees”. In all likelihood,
however, we’ll all simply be dumber for having watched it. When attempting to
inform oneself of a nuanced international political issue, we can all do
without a self-delusional fat fuck sporting a fedora.
South
Korea—“The Taeguk Warriors”
It just wouldn’t be Summer without our “Tigers of Asia”.
They deliver us arguably the best fan-base in all of world football, some of
the hungriest youngsters in the entire competition, and one of the coolest
Bundesliga prospects in recent memory. Before delving into South Korea, I must
(as is customary) disclose that I deliberately choose not to adhere to any
uniform set of standards when discussing Korean names. I like to mix it up. ; )
With no clue whether the first name or family name should be cited first, I
just go with the flow that my mood dictates. Who’s to stop me?
You’ll note that Ji Sung-Park is missing. He retired from
international football after the 2013 Asian Cup. The former captain still
theoretically plays for QPR, but spent the entire season out on loan in the
Erdevisie. Looking forward to seeing him back in the Premiership next year.
Other familiar faces missing are keeper Lee Won Gae (retired), defender Pyo
Young-Lee (also retired), forward Kim Jung-Woo (injured), and striker Yeom
Ki-Hun (out of form).
The Koreans rely upon a bi-furcated attack spearheaded by
Borussia Dortmund’s Ji Dong Won and Arsenal’s Chu Young-Park. Not a bad tandem
at all. Park had a chance to escape all of the Emirates pressure on loan to
Watford this season. Won earned himself a fat contract with Dortmund after some
inspired play for Augsburg. Jürgen Klopp likes his moves. So do I. ; )
Left-winger Heung Min-Son primarily plays as a striker for
Bayer Leverkusen, but works better deployed further back on this team. The kid
has amazing stamina. T’would be a pity if he wasted it all waiting for the
perfect ball up front. Bolton Wanderers midfielder Lee Chung-Yong occupies the
opposite flank. He can slice and dice his way past the best on any given day.
Two midfielders form an unconventional pocket behind the
attackers. Koo Ja-Cheol serves in this capacity for FSV Mainz 05. Ki Sung-Yeong
does the same for Swansea City. In their respective leagues, both footballers
play for “underdog clubs” that weren’t expected to escape relegation from the
first league. That’s the reason I truly like this “pocket”. Here we have the
“hungry youngsters” I was telling you about.
The defensive ranks feature more such heroes: Park Joo-Ho of
Mainz, Hong Jeong-Ho of Augsburg, Lee Yong of Hyundai, and Kim Young-Gwon of
Guangzhou.
Here we have MY Cinderella. Take them or leave them.
Projecting
the South Korean Lineup (4-2-2-2)
Ji Dong-Won Chu Young-Park
|
Heung Min-Son Lee Chung-Yong
|
Koo Cheol-Ja Ki Sung-Yueng
|
Park Joo-Ho
Lee Yong
|
Kim Young-Gwon Hong Jeong Ho
|
Jung Song-Ryong
|
The
Talisman— Heung Min-Son 
His endurance remains his best asset. Watching highlights
like these, you may wonder why he never gets tired: "A
Syndicate Classic”—South Korea
From WMQ 2009—“Syndicate with A Vengeance”
South
Korea
Oh
yes. Yes sir. Together with the Spaniards and the Japs, there will be no
shortage of eye-candy in the stands for the male viewing contingent! The
triumvirate of gorgeous hotties is already in! One might even call the Korean
girls the Jefferson of the “Mount Rushmore of Babes. The Spaniards are my
Roosevelts. I’m just not cool enough. Besides that, I can’t dance. The Japs are
my Washington. They will dump you quicker than you can day ”Snow Falling on
Peter”. Oh well. Other than reasons that make me appear to be a very “dirty old
man”, here are four reasons, why I’m psyched about the Koreans:
1. The
drum section of the “Tigers of Asia”. If you haven’t heard this fan club yet,
you’re in for a treat!
2. In
poor forlorn Kaiserslautern, you simply have to love a team with the nickname
“Red Devils”….er with the possible exception of the loathed ManU
3. The
Koreans got completely gypped by those microstate cheese yodelers known as the
Swiss in the 2006 WM. They were polite to the Ref and everything!! Fucking
useless Swiss.
4.
ManU’s Ji-Sung Park ready to kick some ass while Park Chu Young is poised to
tear up the scene (Chan-Ho Park is still bothered by a hamstring). Lee
Chun-Yong of Bolton Wanders is an intriguing prospect while Lee Dong-Gook
(tearin’ up the K league) and Lee Young Pyo are back for more! In addition,
we’ve got Lee Keun Ho, Lee Chung-Yong, Lee Jung Soo, AND Lee Woon-Jae called up?
How about that? Kim Young Kwang, Kim Dong-Jin, Kim Hyung-Il, and Kim Jung-Woo
are ready to play!!
(Okay…love
my Koreans. Still waiting to meet one that does not have Jong, Hong, Park, Kim,
or Lee in their name. Also, is anyone NOT from Seoul? I’m looking forward to
meeting you!
Go see
Park Chan-wook’s latest epic “Thirst”. I mean, GO RIGHT NOW! If you loved
“Oldboy”, “Sympathy for Lady
Vengeance” and “I’m a Cyborg, but that’s Okay”, you’ve not a moment to lose!
The Koreans are the ONLY ones left that can still do artful horror.
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 Odds for bookie)
1)
Belgium
2) South
Korea
3)
Algeria
4)
Russia
Overall
Championship Odds
Belgium
(8 to 1) Russia
(10 to 1) Algeria
(13 to 1) South
Korea (15 to 1)
Round
of 16 Odds
Belgium
(NO BETS) Russia
(Straight Up) Algeria
(Straight Up) South
Korea (Straight Up)
Quarterfinal
Odds
Belgium
(Straight Up) Russia
(Straight Up) South
Korea (Straight Up) Algeria
(2 to 1)
Semifinal
Odds
Belgium
(Straight Up) Russia
(2 to 1) South Korea
(3 to 1) Algeria
(8 to 1)
