Your “Syndicate Hangover” is proudly presented by
“Pißwasser Pils”
BITTE EIN PIß!!
Day 11: Recap
Record—
Spread: 8-24
Straight up: 14-12-6
Hot Girl
Standings
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Netherlands
|
74
|
2
|
Brazil
|
70
|
2
|
Costa Rica
|
64
|
2
|
Argentina
|
61
|
2
|
France
|
58
|
2
|
Australia
|
52
|
2
|
Germany
|
47
|
2
|
South Korea
|
46
|
2
|
USA
|
45
|
2
|
Columbia
|
44
|
2
|
Ecuador
|
42
|
2
|
Japan
|
41
|
2
|
Belgium
|
40
|
2
|
Bosnia & H
|
36
|
2
|
Mexico
|
35
|
2
|
Russia
|
32
|
2
|
Ghana
|
32
|
2
|
Spain
|
31
|
2
|
Cote d’Ivoire
|
31
|
2
|
Nigeria
|
31
|
2
|
Chile
|
28
|
2
|
Honduras
|
25
|
2
|
Uruguay
|
24
|
2
|
England
|
24
|
2
|
Italy
|
24
|
2
|
Cameroon
|
23
|
2
|
Greece
|
22
|
2
|
Portugal
|
22
|
2
|
Switzerland
|
19
|
2
|
Croatia
|
17
|
2
|
Iran
|
15
|
2
|
Algeria
|
12
|
2
|
Good Morning Stateside Bettors,
Yes, yes. I know you’ve likely seen much better mornings.
Football remains a game of “sucker punches”. To those of you who were three
tumblers deep when Varela hit that 93rd minute strike, my most
heartfelt condolences. They don’t call it the “Group of Death” for nothing. As
augured, Group G proves precariously volatile. Klinsi’s mercurial facial
expressions said it all:
“What….the…fuck….WAS THAT?!?”
The entire team, indeed the ENTIRE country, stood less than
twenty seconds away from a guaranteed Round of 16 Berth. I’ve been there. We
all have. It’s like getting a hot chick undressed for what promises to be an
illustrious night of passion…then discovering that she has dick. I know all
there is to know about the crying game…at least when it comes to football.
Quite the capricious swing. One goal changes everything. One
minute less of injury time and you’d be well on your way to topping the Group
with a clear course to the semis. Now you have to face “The Dark Ones” and
fight for your life. Have no fear, your friendly bookie is here. He may have
other obligations awaiting him by dawn’s early light, but he’ll work all night
if necessary ; ) ; )
To begin with, congratulate yourselves on one helluva entertaining match. German-born midfielder Jermaine Jones let fly with a strike so murderous that Portuguese keeper Beto didn’t even bother to attempt a save. Hitherto unknown fullback DeAndre Yedlin bobbed and weaved across the pitch even better than Ribery. Zusi, Bradley, and Dempsey are evolving into a kick-ass attacking triplicate. Your fans came up with some fucking incredible cerebral chants.
Wanna know something cool? The German News Media is scared
of you! I’m not, but still ; ) They’re billing the Thursday Showdown as “The
Ultimate Clash”. They shiver and tremble before the almighty America. Don’t
believe me? Check out this headline:
I’ve already received many heartbreaking notices from Syndicate Members who had the flags, the car keys and (most importantly) the girls ready. They were halfway out the door, fully prepared to “take her out for a spin”. You’ll probably get your chance yet, mates. In the meantime, considering how shitfaced most of you were, it’s for the best that you didn’t “take her out for a spin”. Pace yourselves. Sip slowly throughout the match, “take her out for a spin” afterwards, THEN get completely sloshed.
I know that it’s an inadequate substitute, but I can
introduce you to another fun post-match football tradition. It's called, in
Syndicate parlance, “drawing it up”. Post-game conversation traditionally
centers on the topic of officiating first. So many subjective fouls in our
“beautiful game”. Thankfully, there wasn’t any controversy last night. That in
itself constitutes progress over 2006 and 2010. Once were done yakking about
who was or wasn’t fouled, whether or not that goal was offside, and whether or not
that free kick was properly spotted, it’s time to talk lineups, formations, and
tactics.
It would be my great pleasure to “draw it up” for you, just
like I did for Germany yesterday. Try it yourselves. It’s really quite
entertaining. It’s one of those completely irreverent tasks that is
nevertheless engrossing enough to make you forget about your problems. Losing
oneself in a task makes ALL of life’s petty concerns fade away. Let’s “draw it
up”, mates!
Here’s how the lineups looked to your friendly bookie:
LINEUP—USA
(Match One)—4-3-1-2
Clint Dempsey Jozy
Altidore
|
Michael Bradley
|
Jermaine Jones
Alejandro Bedoya
|
Kyle Beckerman
|
D. Beasley M. Besler G. Cameron F. Johnson
|
Tim
Howard
|
LINEUP—USA
(Match Two)—4-2-3-1
Clint Dempsey
|
Graham Zusi
Alejandro Bedoya
|
Michael Bradley
|
Jermaine Jones
K. Beckerman
|
D.
Beasley M. Besler G. Cameron F. Johnson
|
Tim Howard
|
Confronted with the Altidore injury, Klinsman didn’t take
Green as I advocated. Instead, he entrusted Sporting KC converted midfielder
Graham Zusi with the left flank. It looked like Bradley was instructed to drop
back and keep an eye out for square balls. The same could be said of Jones and
Beckerman. He took my advice and stuck with the same back four. Instead of
turning to Chandler and Brooks when late goals were needed, he opted for Yelin
and Gonzalez. You can read my full thoughts on the lineup, and juxtapose it
with Klinsi’s selection via the following link:
Why do you think I add so many “retroactive notes”?
Here are my grades:
GRADES—USA
(Match One)
Clint Dempsey
|
A+
|
John Anthony Brooks
|
A+
|
Michael Bradley
|
A
|
Kyle Beckerman
|
A
|
Jermaine Jones
|
A-
|
Demarcus Beasley
|
B
|
Geoff Cameron
|
B-
|
Fabian Johnson
|
B-
|
Tim Howard
|
B-
|
Alejandro Bedoya
|
C+
|
Matt Besler
|
C-
|
Aron Johannsson
|
D+
|
Jozy Altidore
|
D+
|
GRADES—USA
(Match Two)
Jermaine Jones
|
A+
|
Clint Dempsey
|
A+
|
DeAndre Yelin
|
A+
|
Tim Howard
|
A+
|
Graham Zusi
|
A
|
Michael Bradley
|
A
|
Kyle Beckerman
|
B+
|
Demarcus Beasley
|
B
|
Matt Besler
|
B-
|
Geoff Cameron
|
B-
|
Fabian Johnson
|
C+
|
Alesandro Bedoya
|
D
|
And here’s the lineup I would like to see:
LINEUP—USA
(Bookies Pick)—4-3-3
Clint Dempsey
|
Julian Green Graham Zusi
|
Michael Bradley
|
Jermaine Jones Kyle
Beckerman
|
D. Beasley
Matt Besley J.A. Brooks D. Yelin
|
Tim Howard
|
How about that? You too can be an “Amateur Bookie/Blogger”!!
Actually, I may need one of you to take over for me after my untimely death
from lung cancer at the age of 32. I’m thinking especially about your guys:
5-M, 7-M, 13-M, 23-M, 77-M, 89-M, 119-M, and 128-M. Someone has to inherit this
chair! Okay…maybe 4-F too ; ) ; )
In other news, when the-Boutefliking-fuck did Algeria become
a goal-scoring football team? I must have missed a memo or something. That
South Korea match was a cracker in every last damn respect. Slimani’s in the 26th
was my favorite. Way to pull her down hero! Son Heung-Min’s in the 50th
was also damn good. Nothing like a match with six tallies. What a show, lads!
The Belgians deservedly get another three points after all
of Eden Hazard’s hard work paid off in the end. Welcome to the Knockout Stages,
“Red Devils”. Glad you could make it.
We’re now officially halfway through the World Cup,
gentlemen. All 32 countries have played two matches. For those still sober,
that’s (duh) 32 matches out of 64. Time for some rankings:
1) France
2) Costa Rica
3) Netherlands
4) Columbia
5) Chile 
6) Germany
7) Argentina 
8) Belgium
9) Ecuador
10) Cote d’Ivoire
11) Brazil
12) Italy 13) USA
14) Mexico
15) Uruguay
16) Switzerland
17) Nigeria
18) Algeria
19) Croatia
20) Ghana
21) South Korea
22) Russia
23) Portugal
24) Japan
25) Greece
26) England (eliminated)
27) Iran
28) Honduras
29) Bosnia & Herzegovina (eliminated)
30) Spain (eliminated)
31) Australia (eliminated)
32) Cameroon (eliminated)
That’s just how your friendly bookie sees it.
“Riffs
of the Day”—Day Eleven
Reader:
I want Varela tested for steroids!!
Vicey:
…steroids don’t help in the “real football”
Reader:
Will Germany vs. USA be “revenge for ‘D-Day’”?
Vicey:
How about “revenge for tapping our Chancellor’s cell phone”?
Reader:
Hope your “Fantasy Futbol League” is going well
Vicey:
…..fuck your mother. THIS IS THE SYNDICATE. I’m a bookie, not some nerdy rube
sitting beneath a “Star Wars” Poster. I’m not holding a rotisserie draft for
fuck’s sake. I TAKE CASH BETS!!
DAY TWELVE--PREVIEW
Whew! I’m the luckiest bookie on the planet! The first two
lines are rolling hard. Action remains available for those wishing to bet on
the later games.
Australia vs. Spain
vs.
Be sure to take some time to bid farewell to La Roja in your
own special way.
THE
LINE: Pick em’ (rolling down HARD from Spain+2)
The Netherlands vs. Chile
vs.
It’s going to be great. Don’t miss out!
THE
LINE: Netherlands +2 Goals (rolling up HARD from “pick em”)
Brazil vs. Cameroon
vs.
Neymar finally gets a chance to run wild.
THE
LINE: Brazil +2 Goals (rolling down from +3)
Croatia vs. Mexico
vs.
Epic. Simply epic. What else can a humble bookie say?
THE
LINE: Croatia +1 Goal
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
