Your “Syndicate Hangover” is proudly presented by
“Pißwasser Pils”
BITTE EIN PIß!!
Day 2: Recap
Record—
Spread: 2-2
Straight up: 3-1-0
Hot Girl
Standings
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Netherlands
|
24
|
1
|
Brazil
|
18
|
1
|
Chile
|
15
|
1
|
Mexico
|
13
|
1
|
Spain
|
12
|
1
|
Australia
|
11
|
1
|
Croatia
|
6
|
1
|
Cameroon
|
6
|
1
|
Buenos Dias Spanish Syndicate Members,
Digame? Oiga? Is anyone there? Don’t hang up the phone! If
you don’t feel like speaking, at least let me listen to you breathe! I’m you
can’t formulate a sentence, just hyperventilate for me! I need to know that
you’re okay. I’m here on the other end of the line! I’m not going anywhere…not
until I know that you’re safe. You’re very important to a lot of people.
Step back from the ledge. Get that toaster away from the bathwater.
Put down that razor-blade and screw the safety cap back on the pill vial. DON’T
DO IT!! You are still loved!!
Good Lord. Strange things are known to transpire over a full
“fairy tale” moon, but who could have predicted the Dutch would spank their one-time
conquers so thoroughly? Last night made the sinking of the Armada look like a
minor sidewalk scrape. All of Iberia stumbled out of bed this morning convinced
it was all just a bad dream; an intricate nightmare not unlike the one in which
you forgot you registered for a class until the last week of the semester.
But it did happen. You kept oversleeping your 7 a.m.
Calculus Class and never got around to dropping it in time. Now your transcript
is all fucked up. This happened. You tried to sit for your Economics Final Exam
even though you only made it to three of the lectures. You flunked. It
happened. You went back to High School to take some easier courses and even
then managed to go down in flames after failing to show up for Chemistry day
after day. The ultimate humiliation. IT HAPPENED!
Van Persie and Arjen Robben made a complete mockery out of
Sergio Ramos, Gerald Pique, and Iker Casillas. They both grabbed braces
courtesy of horribly slack defending. Diego Costa was, by all accounts, a total
bust in his much-awaited debut. Busquets, Jordi Alba, and Azpilicueta all had
atrocious matches. Van Persie, Wesley Sneijder, Robeen, and Jermain Lens all
had the chance to push the scoreline to 10-1 or even 11-1. You got lit up. THIS
HAPPENED!
And what we you wearing? An all-white kit that made “La
Furia Roja” look like the Real Madrid Youth Reserves. Ugh. That’s worse than
being naked! It was the perfect storm of terror and fear…..and you weren’t
hallucinating. IT ALL HAPPENED!
Okay. Let’s settle down a bit and analyze matters. It’s not
quite as dour as everyone thinks. I’ll begin by emphasizing that “El Tiki-Taka”
is not dead. The Spanish short-passing game remains alive and well, as
evidenced by a strong first half during which del Bosque’s men were highly
competitive and could have easily gone up 3-0. I aver that the system still
works provided a few ghastly defensive errors don’t fling open the floodgates.
We shouldn’t forget that this was a tight contest all the way up to the 65th
minute.
Further discussion of “El Tiki-Taka” shall be deferred to
the riff section. Your friendly bookie tires of this conversation. Ever since
Pep Guardiola’s Bayern crashed out of the Champions League, it’s all the
European Football Media wishes to talk about. One should treat such shallow
pontifications in the same manner one deals with the American 24-Hour-News
Media’s speculations on the 2016 Presidential Race. Turn the damn television
off! As soon as one hears, “Is it really over for the zonal passing game….”,
turn the damn television off!! Likewise, should one hear “How does Hillary’s
new haircut affect her chances…”, throw the damn television out of the window!!
Spanish dominance in early possession could have led to a
very different outcome had Iniesta done better with his chances in the 10th.
Iniesta also set up Costa beautifully in the 13th and David Silva
marvelously in the 43rd. In the former instance, Costa just took a
bad first touch. Dutch keeper Jasper Cillessen deserves all the credit for
keeping out Silva’s effort in the 43rd. Bottom Line: The strategy
still works. Iniesta and the two Xavis can still generate good movement and
triangulation. They need better finishing from their strikers, but that’s not
really a problem considering how deep this bench is.
Del Bosque illustrates this with his substitutions. He
swapped out Costa and Xavi Alonso for Torres and Pedro in the 62nd.
Torres has gotten into the swing of things over at The Bridge. Even if he
hadn’t revitalized his career over at Chelsea, he’s still the national side’s
good luck charm; a great late-game “Number 9” option. So is Barça’s Pedro. I’m
convinced that Villa isn’t done yet either, even if he’s headed to
semi-retirement in MLS.
Del Bosque’s double substitution was a great move. Unluckily
for him, Stefan De Vrij scored Holland’s third goal three minutes later and the
whole tactical switch was essentially rendered moot. Torres got some good
looks. So did 78th minute sub Fabregas. Del Bosque has the new
Chelsea-signing at his disposal coming off the bench. He also has Santi
Carzola, Juan Mata, and Javi Martinez. This squad is too deep and too talented
to simply fade away without a fight. Relax, Spanish fans. You’ll be back!
Ordinarily it’s our tradition to assign grades for all
eleven players in two instances: when discussing the Spanish Juggernaut and
when reviewing the performance of my Glorious Fatherland. We’ll have to
dispense with that tradition for now as the Casillas situation is simply too
volatile. I don’t know whether to give him an “F” or a “C Minus”. Sure he
fucked up right and proper on both Robben and van Persie’s second goals, but he
still made some great saves down the stretch. Whether to sit the captain and
finally give Pepe Reina his chance……I’m not prepared to speculate on that one
just yet. Let’s talk about last night.
Lovely Summer Evening on the Karlsruhe Public Viewing Stand. With the entire town in the grip of Keynesian Construction Sites, the city has somehow managed to erect a three-tier structure that is both elegant and cozy. One gets good sightlines on all three floors, but the real treat is the upper deck. Football at this time of year MUST be viewed outdoors. That’s why we can’t have a Winter World Cup in Qatar. Sorry. Fire Sepp Blatter….and revoke Franz Beckenbauer’s 90-day-football ban! If there’s one man who can reverse this travesty, it’s him.
Your friendly bookie ambled about between various pubs
during the Mexico vs. Cameroon match. The unrelenting downpour in the Arenas
das Dunas reminded him of the unforgettable Donetsk WaterWorld Fixture in Euro
2012. Anyone else remember this one?
From EM 2012—Day 8 Recap
I can
scarcely describe for you how hilarious it was listening to German broadcasters
not allowed to cut to commercial describing torrential rainfall for over an
hour. I took meticulous notes and have prepared a rough translation of the
highlights:
“Well…it’s
still raining…rain falling down from the sky…there’s some lighting as well…that
guy seems to be enjoying it…Suppose we’ll cut over to Oliver Kahn will his
thoughts on tonight’s historic delay….what?...Kahn’s eating pasta….pasta tastes
good…important to get those carbohydrates…still raining…the pitch looks awfully
wet…lot of rain coming down….rain falling down from the sky…oh look over there
you can see our cameraman Fritz….he’s got his raincoat on….looking good
Fritz!....I assure you we’ve put the latest protective plastic over all our
cameras….does anyone know what happens if they can’t fit the game in this
evening?....nobody does?...oh well…then I guess we’ll just watch the rain some
more….rain falling down from the sky….rains a lot in this region I here….lots
of lightning too…apparently that’s also common….does anyone know whether the
pitch is synthetic? No one does….okay…the rain continues to fall…rain falling
down from the sky.”
Fifty
plus minutes of this. I imagine the ESPN crew threw back to Michael Ballack in
the studio, which I can only assume was equally as comical. German television
simply wasn’t prepared. Kahn was eating pasta…far away from that ridiculous
island they put him. Eating pasta! “Kahn’s eating pasta!” You can’t make this
shit up.
Let’s
be candid. The “Wet and Wild Ukrainian Girls” are running away with the title.
Don’t ask me why I elected to put that phrase in quotation marks. Don’t ask me
about the small business loan application I’m currently filling out either.
What a “Spritz-fest”. A bunch of beautiful women taking a shower. It was
football porn. They set fire to the rain.
Anyway, watching Volker Finke get drenched….christ….the “Old
Man in the Sea”. I worried he would catch his death of cold and keel over any
moment. Someone get the man a hat! His Lions looked horrendous as they
struggled to fashion something coherent out of a goofy-looking 4-1-2-3. We
witnessed some nice displays from Hotspur/QPR fullback Assou-Ekotto, but that’s
about it.
These Lions again look to be easily “domitable”. The
Mexicans should have won that fixture 3-0. More terrible officiating as a 12th
minute goal was falsely disallowed for offside and the dreaded “phantom foul”
popped up in the 29th. Nothing makes football fans cringe worse than
the “phantom foul”. When a goal is disallowed for a foul when no one was near
making contact with anyone else…what is there to say? It defies explanation.
What in the hell did that linesman see? How could he of seen something that
didn’t come close to happening? This would be the equivalent of a Home Plate
Baseball umpire calling a pitch not a “strike” or a “ball”, but an “out”. Grrr.
It makes no sense. Curse the dreaded “phantom foul”!
Atrocious officiating notwithstanding, El Tri look damn good. Herrera’s 3-5-2 smothers the opposing side in possession. Peralta, Hector Herrera, Marquez, dos Santos, and even Ochoa all look sharp. Chicharito off the bench in the “Super Sub” role suits the overall gameplan well. This bookie predicts they would put their qualifying woes behind them early. They came through for me…and I would have made some serious bank if it wasn’t for that goddamned “phantom foul”!
We were gifted a very entertaining nightcap as well.
Magnificent teamwork from “La Roja America” on the initial Alexis Sanchez goal
as they just kept cycling until Sanchez got free. Sanchez himself showed
excellent poise in teeing Valdiva two minutes later. Forget everything negative
I’ve written about Beausojour up to this point (Easier for those who haven’t
read it). He showed us all how to pounce in injury time. Arturo Vidal’s less
than inspiring performance aside, there’s little cause for concern heading
forward. The Chileans look to be strong on all fronts.
After last night’s Spanish Massacre, many in football
circles are picking the Chile Peppers to upset del Bosque’s beleaguered troops.
Perish the thought. “La Roja Europa” will still defeat “La Roja Americana”.
“Riffs
of the Day”—Day Two
Reader:
Hey! You know what time it is? It’s five past Casillas!
Vicey:
(taking a deep breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
That’s the fucking line of the tournament. Sorry, but there’s no way in hell
you came up with that one all by yourself. Who are you hanging out with these
days, and can I come?
Reader:
Is el tiki-Taka dead?
Vicey:
Enough already! Stop with this question. Read the “Group B Preview Section”
again if you must.
Reader:
Robben dives like Greg Louganis on crack.
Vicey:
Yeah…you could say that, or you could say he was doing a little “Chris Tucker
Neck Shuffle”
Reader:
Now that you’ve posted a photo of yourself in a U.S. Jersey, will you root for
them against Germany?
Vicey:
(taking a deep breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
NO! I’m an “aufrechter Deutscher”. It “don’t” work that way, Yank chum. I will,
however, consider signing both National Anthems, just like Jürgen
Klinsmann.
Reader:
Any views on the current situation in Iraq?
Vicey:
Yes….but. Look, let’s just watch football for now. Not that the Germans make it
easy. There really isn’t a “Halftime Show” to speak of. They check in with Kahn
for about two minutes. Otherwise, German networks traditionally cover the news
during the halftime break. In addition, the unique German feature known as
“tele-text” allows me to catch up on current global events while simultaneously
listening to live audio during a lull, injury or commercial.
Come to
think of it, why did “tele-text” never catch on in the States. German remotes
come equipped with a button that you can hit to read news on your television
screen. As far as I can recall it’s always been this way..since I was a kid.
Weird.
In any
event, I’ve been following the ISIS Developments with great alarm and
trepidation. I am not a happy Shadow Scholar ; ( ; ( For now I want to watch
football. Can’t a Shadow Scholar get a break?
Vicey
gets it……DEAD WRONG?
From WM 2014—Group A Preview:
Whew.
A Nation exhales. Difficult to fathom why this squad struggled so mightily
given the plethora of natural strikers they have. Javier Hernandez (Chicharito)
and Giovanni dos Santos had excellent years for their respective clubs. Oribe
Peralta and Raul Jimenez still know how to score goals, and can be either
subbed in as forwards or started as holding midfielders. All of this makes for
a promising forecast, provided that Peralta or Jimenez can adequately supplant
Juan Carlos Medina in the team’s preferred 5-3-2 and that Leon (Mexican League)
teammates Luis Montes and Carlos Pena can keep up their fine run of cooperation
on the flanks.
Editors
Retroactive Notes:
The hell was I thinking making Chicharito the Talisman? He
didn’t even play that prominent a role in the qualifying campaign. I suppose I
just thought Herrera would have to give him the nod over Peralta. I was
wrong…DEAD WRONG.
From WM 2014—Round One
Mexico
vs. Cameroon
vs. 
We
have our first match madly interesting from a tactical standpoint. How does
Herrera’s projected 5-3-2 stack up against Finke’s 4-3-3? One has to have a
certain amount of faith in Finke. He’ll choose his back four well, probably
relying upon N’Koulou and Chedjou to shut down Chicharito. We still can’t the
“Upset Alert Button” just yet as Peralta and dos Santos will likely find a way
through.
Expect
a defensive struggle marked by underperformances from known names such as Eto’o,
Song, Hernandez, and Guardado. The loss of Luis Montes means Hector Herrera
will probably get the start on the left wing. Recipe for boring. They can’t all
be winners. A winner will still emerge from this match, however. It will bring
a great smile to likely attendee Enrique Pena Nieto. Mexico returns to
normalcy.
Editors
Retroactive Notes:
There. That’s better.
From WM 2014—Round One:
Spain
vs. the Netherlands
vs. 
…..
…..
…..
We’ll
have goals in this one. What we won’t have is a result.
Editors
Retroactive Notes:
Ahem. Do I get any credit for being half-right?
From WM 2014—Group B Preview
Alexis
Sanchez and Eduardo Vargas are certainly upgrades over Humberto Suarez and Mark
Gonzalez, but Vargas still strikes me as a “work in progress”. He needs to find
a steady team and display more consistency. Nothing too critical to say about
Sanchez, especially not after his marvelous season for Barça, but he benefited
greatly from some of the set ups he got from veteran leaders like Suazo, M.
Gonzalez, and Pizzaro. Sampoli can’t be accused of opting for youth in his
selection, but questions regarding chemistry abound.
Why
isn’t Beausejour hitting his teammates anymore? Did it have something to do
with his saga with Borghi? Why doesn’t Vidal seem at home on the national side
anymore? He’s been doing great for Juventus Turin. What’s wrong? Why is it
taking so long for Marcelo Diaz to blossom on the grand stage? Why don’t
Gonzalo Jara and Marcos Gonzales pour forward more often? They’ve got the
aerial skills!
Editors
Retroactive Notes:
Unfounded concerns. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
From WM 2014—Day One Recap
Chile
vs. Australia
vs. 
Tonight’s
midnight special should be a high-scoring affair. I think that Aussie back four
is going to leak worse than a day-old diaper. Head to bed dreaming of goals!
Editors
Retroactive Notes:
There. That’s better.
DAY
THREE--PREVIEW
Our tournament is off to a ferocious start. No draws. No
nil-nil matches. 15 goals from four fixtures! Incredible. What goes up must
come down of course, and I can only hope we're not in for a slow day.
Columbia vs. Greece
vs. 
Time to see what these “Coffee Growers” are really made of.
Will they dazzle us, or will the defensive stalwarts of “To Piratiko” shut them
down?
THE
LINE: Columbia +1 Goal (rolling from “Pick em”)
Uruguay vs. Costa Rica
vs. 
Suarez has officially been ruled out. Cavani has to do it
all by himself
THE
LINE: Uruguay +1 Goal (rolling from +2)
England vs. Italy
vs. 
American fans get to watch this European blockbuster just as
their Saturday evening begins to cool off (5 a.m.). It’s a Midnight kickoff for
those of us in the heart of Europe. Whew. Good thing it’s the weekend.
THE
LINE: England +1 Goal (holding)
Cote d’Ivoire vs. Japan
vs. 
3 a.m. Central European kickoff! Ju-Chu! Your friendly
bookie will be watching, but he doesn’t promise to be especially lucid or
sober. Even non-alcoholic beers can mess with your head. Trust me. Try drinking
about 12 of them.
THE
LINE: Cote d’Ivoire +2 Goals (holding)
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
