Shadow Scholar Syndicate: WM 2014--Day Five Recap

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Day 5: Recap

Record—

Spread: 4-10

Straight up: 7-6-1

Hot Girl Standings

Country	Tally	Games Played
Argentina	29	1
Germany	27	1
USA	27	1
Columbia	25	1
Netherlands	24	1
Costa Rica	21	1
Cote d’Ivoire	21	1
Japan	20	1
Ecuador	20	1
France	19	1
Nigeria	18	1
Brazil	18	1
Bosnia & H	17	1
Chile	15	1
Mexico	13	1
Spain	12	1
Ghana	12	1
Switzerland	12	1
Australia	11	1
Portugal	9	1
Uruguay	9	1
Italy	9	1
Greece	8	1
Honduras	8	1
Croatia	6	1
Cameroon	6	1
England	4	1
Iran	4	1

AFFIRMATIVE GHOST RIDER!

Cougar this is Merlin. We’ve got Viper and Wolfman out on the Wing. Hollywood and Stinger are up assisting Goose and Maverick. Maverick has the ball. I repeat, Maverick has the ball Roger that. 10-4. Maverick. Maverick will fire when he is good and goddamned ready! Come in Sundown. Slider and Jester need to know who’s backing up Stinger. Air Boss Johnson wants to kick somebody’s butt. HE WANTS BUTTS!

Wow. I can understand why I have a throbbing headache and had to stop to quaff an entire gallon of water on my way to the bathroom this morning, but why did I find myself singing “Revvin’ up your engine, listenin’ to her howlin’ roar….metal under tension, beggin’ you to touch and go” during what felt like a TWENTY-MINUTE piss this morning. It was quite the piss. : ) I made it all the way to “Out along edges, always where I burn to be…the further on the edge, the hotter the intensity” before it was time to shake.

“HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE!

TAKE YOU RIGHT INTO THE DANGER ZONE!”

Belting out the refrain really scared the shit out of the neighbors!

Alright enough of this “Top Gun” talk. It’s making my sperm hurt. ; ( Well done, America. It really was a great match from start to finish. Dempsey got us rolling with a goal scored….at 28 SECONDS. Your team worked really hard down the stretch as the Boateng substitution clearly gave the Black Stars the upper hand. You even shook off Andre Ayew’s late equalizer with a gorgeous header from one of your German Recruit Heroes, John Anthony Brooks.

Are Americans really “taking her out for a spin”? Really? Thus far Syndicate Members have reported in that they intend to “take her out for a spin”. A couple of others have filed as of yet unconfirmed reports that a few “rogues n’ rubes” in larger U.S. Metropolitan Areas are, in fact, “taking her out for a spin”. Perhaps I should take a moment to explain what I mean by “taking her out for a spin”.

It’s a global tradition. When your country wins you grab the car keys, a few cute girls (if you happen to have some handy), and the biggest flags you can find. You drive all around your city’s main thoroughfares honking you horns and screaming the name of your country. The girls (again, if you’re lucky enough to have them) blow kisses and wave flags. It’s a little more than an impromptu parade. Mardi Gras happens every year, but you only get to “take her out for a spin” every 2 to 4 years if your fortunate.

I “took her out for a spin” last night after my country demolished Portugal. For the first time in two years I got to release all that Patriotic Fervor. This is especially important for Germans. We don’t exactly…er…have the right kind of legacy. Sorry mates, but your friendly bookie has to spend international football tournaments in the Fatherland. No way in hell I could get away with “taking her out for a spin” in Peoria or Des Moines. That doesn’t compute.

If Americans are really doing this, you’ve finally arrived. Welcome. We want you here. We always have. If these reports more accurately reflect exaggeration or wishful thinking….GET ON IT, SYNDICATE MEMBERS. Your bookie demands that you “take her out for a spin”. Drink O’Douls during the match if you must. You’ve got more important obligations to take care of should your team win. So you may scare the shit out of some old ladies. So what. I inadvertently did that this morning while taking a piss and I don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

“HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE!

TAKE YOU RIGHT INTO THE DANGER ZONE!”

Well done, America. You’ve made Jürgen Klinsman very happy. I never saw him so jubilant, not even during the 2006 WM. You’ve made Joe Biden very happy. He looked positively exuberant in the stands. He looked like a kid on a choo-choo train….or Joe Biden on a choo-choo train if you prefer. The Altidore injury isn’t nearly as bad as it seems. As I’ve written about extensively, he’s had a very tumultuous year and may serve as a distraction you don’t need. Johannsson can’t hope to replace him, but Bradley and Dempsey look good. They appear to be reliable enough to step up at this point.

You want grades? Sure, why not? It’s been over two years since your friendly bookie doled out Team Grades. It a’int exactly “taking her out for spin” but I’ll oblige:

GRADES—USA (Match One)

Clint Dempsey	A+
John Anthony Brooks	A+
Michael Bradley	A
Kyle Beckerman	A
Jermaine Jones	A-
Demarcus Beasley	B
Geoff Cameron	B-
Fabian Johnson	B-
Tim Howard	B-
Alejandro Bedoya	C+
Matt Besler	C-
Aron Johannsson	D+
Jozy Altidore	D+

Enjoy it while it lasts Yanks. With Portugal on the ropes after injury and suspension, you’re well poised to get another victory on Sunday and thereby secure your place in the Knockout Stages. There’s still absolutely no way in hell you defeat Germans. You don’t have the personnel. I saw a lot of cool things last night, but I didn’t see that.

Much has been made of the fact that we got our first real stinker with the Iran vs. Nigeria match. Yep. It sucked. Nothing worse than a nil-nil draw. I would still argue that we needed it. This full throttle tournament has us all a little wired. A respite was most welcome. Besides that it wasn’t that bad of an outcome. Draws make the Group Stages more interesting. There’s a huge difference between one and three points when teams are only playing three matches. Er…that's our arithmetic lesson for the day. Next, we’ll do some coloring and take a nap.

It was a bad game for Victor Moses, but I generally liked what I saw from Mikel, Musa, and Emmenike. I like those flashy neon green uniforms too. Does anyone want one of them in their Schwag Pack?

GLORIOUS DAY IN THE FATHERLAND!!

Michael Schumacher woke up from his long medically induced coma just in time to watch our Mannschaft get off to a dream start. I always knew Müller could thrive as a striker. He’s got the size, the hustle, and the aerial ability. Plenty of other people knew that too. Forget Gomez and Reus. Müller tied for the 2010 Golden Boot in South Africa. Doesn’t anyone remember? He’s well on his way to earning Golden Boot honors in this tournament as well following last night’s Hat Trick. Deutschland has itself another “Marvelous Müller”. He may very well pass Gerd some day.

…and don’t anyone go labeling him a “pussy” either. I’ve watched the replay of Pepe’s little slap some 234 times now. I’ve broken it down and analyzed it like it was the Zapruder Film. He caught him in the eye and had no excuse for “if-ing” on him unprovoked. Pepe’s always been a dirty Real Madrid defender. The ugly brute deserved to get his ass booted.

I watched this one nursing a beer….in a church. (Don’t ask why beer is allowed in German churches. Just don’t ask). True, it wasn’t exactly the most electrifying environment to begin my German World Cup Odyssey in, but your friendly bookie simply has to pace himself. It was the beginning of a three-match-evening and (hopefully) a seven-match-tournament for the Fatherland. I have pace myself. I only have one liver, after all. ; ) ;)

Very intriguing lineup put forth by Joachim Löw. In order to counter Ronaldo’s explosive ability, he gave up on the idea of deploying roving fullbacks at all. He moved Lahm to midfield and gave Boateng and Höwedes the respective flanks. Hummels and Mertesacker served as the tall centerbacks in a back four not at all designed to generate attacks.

It worked. Cristiano Ronaldo had an atrocious match. It’s the worst game I’ve seen him play in some time. Boateng, Mertesacker, and Hummels were simply too large for him to sccot past. Lahm did nice work in defensive midfield too. With Schweine suffering from a slight injury, it was up to Kroos and Khedira to direct traffic. Both performed admirably. In a surprise move, Özil served as striker on the right wing. Götze took the left and Müller was the center forward.

Here’s how last night’s German lineup looked to me:

LINEUP—Deutschland (Match One)—4-1-2-3

Thomas Müller

Mario Götze Meshut Özil

Sami Khedira Toni Kroos

Phillip Lahm

B. Höwedes M. Hummels P. Mertesacker J. Boateng

Manuel Neuer

And here are my Grades:

GRADES—Deutschland (Match One)

Thomas Müller	A+
Matt Hummels	A+
Meshut Özil	A
Sami Khedira	A
Toni Kroos	A-
Jerome Boateng	B+
Per Mertesacker	B+
Benedict Höwedes	B
Manuel Neuer	B
Phillip Lahm	B-
Mario Götze	C+

Where do we go from here? We chuck the entire match out and prepare for the next one. That’s what Germans do. :) : ) A resounding 4-0 defeat is encouraging, but it means nothing. We were lucky. I agree with the decision to send Pepe off, but that really killed the match. From that point on the Fatherland couldn’t really lose. Moreover, I don’t agree with the 12^th minute penalty decision. I don’t think Götze was fouled that hard. We shouldn’t have been awarded a spot kick.

Speaking of Götze, he earns the lowest grade from me after a shaky match. How in the hell did he miss that chance at the half-hour mark? I’m significantly less worried about Matt Hummels this morning. His injury doesn’t appear to be serious.

“Riffs of the Day”—Day Five

Reader: [With Germany up 3-0 at half] Have you avoided cumming in your pants yet?

Vicey: Whew. Last night I got so blitzed I’m lucky I didn’t piss my pants.

Reader: USA! USA! I’m “taking her out for a spin!”

Vicey: I’ll hold you to that. Just so you know.

Reader: I picture you writing this book on three separate laptops, with papers strewn everywhere and five televisions running.

Vicey: Hahahaha. I love it. It’s like I’m Dennis Hopper in “Speed”!

POP QUIZ, ASSHOLE!!

Vicey gets it……DEAD WRONG?

I’d very much like to re-post my thoughts of Müller and John Anthony Brooks from the Group G Qualifying Section here, but time is running short. I’d recommend re-reading parts of the section if anyone’s interested. It’s been the most popular post thus far.

http://shadow-scholar-syndicate.blogspot.de/2014/06/wm-2014-group-g-preview.html

DAY SIX--PREVIEW

The final four countries debut and Brazil’s historic journey enters its second chapter. It’s going to be a good day : ) ; ) Aren’t they all good days at this point?

Belgium vs. Algeria