Monday, June 23, 2014

WM 2014--Round Four


Boa Noite Syndicate Members,
WM 2014 
One begins to feel slightly remiss when it comes to the Final Round of the Group Stages. Your friendly bookie runs the risk of running out of words. I suppose we’ll just go with a classic:

GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS

TUESDAY—

Italy vs. Uruguay

  vs. 

With the Wops needing only a draw to advance, history teaches us that the Azzuri will deploy a perfectly boring defensive pocket with emphasis in cherry picking a few counters. History, as it turns out, can still be a very lousy guide.

Prandelli has much to answer for, beginning with his spiritless lineup selection against Los Ticos. Abate and Motta have to go. De Sciglio and Aquilani should replace them. Candreva isn’t running and Cassano looks to be finished. With Balotelli struggling to break through miserly defensive ranks provided that they keep their shape, now is the time to either pair him with Immobile, or sit him and let Immobile and Cerci handle matters on their own.

La Celeste will keep this one competitive with or without Suarez. Maxi Pereira returns from suspension. Diego Lugano also reemerges (hopefully) from injury. Godin still has life in him yet and Caceres has proven himself versatile enough to engineer some creativity out of the back.

Edinson Cavani’s eye for goal can give Tabarez’s eleven a deft equalizer if needed. Abel Hernandez and Christian Stuani can be inserted in the event of a late deficit. A draw seems the most likely outcome, but one just fancies that Pirlo will settle matters with one of his set piece specialties.

Pirlo bends one past a disorganized and exhausted wall late. The Azzuris progress to the K.O. Round.

THE LINE: Italy +1 Goal

Have we been here before?

Thanks to Syndicate Member 5-M, I’ve been reminded of last Summer’s Confederations Cup. We were, in fact, just here:

CC 2013From CC 2013: Goodbyes and Championship Pick

Third Place Match—Italy vs. Uruguay

  vs. 

The marathon 120-minute firework show that took two rounds of Sudden Death Penalty Kicks to decide will surely leave Chielleni, Bonucci, Maggio, De Rossi, Pirlo, and Gaicherreni too exhausted to participate. A positive outlook prevails for the Wops, even if the injured Balotelli will be unable to play. Prandelli can easily dust off Abate, Giovinco, and Diamanti.

This match will feature more aged has-beens than the United States Senate. Nevertheless, “Spaghetti-Fresser” will salvage some pride against the Uruguayan reserves.

THE LINE: Italy + 1 Goal

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Italy 3, Uruguay 2. (a.e.t. 3-2 PSO) Come kickoff time many of us were pondering the utility of a third place match in an eight-nation tournament. What was the use of a consolation prize in a dry-run competition that winning is already considered a consolation prize? Fortunately, the 22 participants demonstrated that they did in fact care and gave us quite the entertaining show. The result constituted another strong argument for the implementation of Third Place Matches in ALL international tournaments. Listening UEFA?

Initially both sides played as one might expect in a meaningless match. One had the impression that no one particularly wanted to be playing football on a sunny day in Salvador. The Wops then broke in open in the 24th. Diamanti’s fine curling free kick deserved the far post corner. It got the actual far post instead, but then took a lucky bounce off of Uruguayan keeper Fernando Muslera and hit the line square. Backup centerback David Astori nudged it over the line for the lead. After being denied a goal by a close offside decision, La Celeste finally drew level thirteen minutes after the restart when Arevalo set up Cavani with a sweet little diamond cutter. Cavani let it roll until he could pounce on it with full momentum for the first-time finish.

Uruguay kept the pressure on with worthy efforts from Forlan and Suarez, but the Azzurri would recapture the lead in the 73rd courtesy of another Diamanti set-piece gem. The tyro Walter Gragano studded down Diamanti just outside the area with a late challenge. The Bologna midfielder then peeled off a real beauty, bending his effort outside the wall and past the fully outstretched arms of Muslera. Cavani tied matters up with his own brilliant free-kick a scant five minutes later. Tripped up by Christina Rodriguez, Cavani blasted a swerving 35-yard hellfire missile over the wall and past a flailing Buffon.

Not much to report on in with respect to either the final twelve minutes or the additional half hour of added time. Suarez tried to gain an advantage with some of his patented simulation, but that was about it. Fatigue was clearly a factor for the Italians, who also had to play with ten men after Montolivo was sent off on double yellows in the 110th. Forlan set the tone of the shootout with a weak ground effort that was scooped up by Buffon. The Talismanic Wop Captain would also hold on to low drives from Caceres and Gargano. Aquilani, El Shaarawy, and Giacherreni all converted to secure the win and the bronze in Confed Cup 2013. 

Costa Rica vs. England

  vs. 

It’s a meaningless match for the Three Lions. Hodgson’s mind now turns to his next failed stint with a second tier English Club. Wigan? Leeds? Derby County? Cardiff City? Norwich? Ipswitch? Hull? Perhaps we’ll see him return to the U.A.E. or Qatar in the coming months.

In any event, we should see Alex Oxlade-Chamberlin and Rickie Lambert start. The Ticos, having the luxury of already clinched a K.O.-Runde berth will either rest Ruiz, Diaz, and Bolanos or pull them early. No need to risk starting Joel Campbell in this fixture. Save him for the Quarters, Cinderella.

THE LINE: England +1 Goal

Have we been here before?

The pair barely missed one another in 2002, then again in 2006. It’s all new to us, gentlemen. Rejoice!

Initial Group Projection (6/2/2014)

1) England 
2) Italy 
3) Uruguay 
4) Costa Rica 

Final Group Projection (6/23/2014)

Straight Up for Bookie

1) Costa Rica 
2) Italy 
3) Uruguay 
4) England 

Japan vs. Columbia

 vs.  

Surely Zaccheroni is done tinkering with Osako and Honda up front in the un-menacing 4-2-3-1. If he’s wise enough to start Okazaki as the center-forward and have Kagawa back him up as the anchor, this incarnation of the Blue Samurai still possesses lethal offensive ability. Of course, that leaves him with little choice but to move Hasebe and Endo out to the wings, but the two wily veterans will surely play their hearts out in what may be their final meaningful international match.

It’s likely the last go-around for Konno as well. He’ll sweat up his Samurai jersey good and proper before taking it off for the last time. Okubu, despite looking completely worn down in the Greece match, realizes it’s his last hurrah as well. Expect him to fight hard, particularly on the 50-50s.

The high-flying “Coffee Growers” rely primarily on Teofilio Gutierrez’s innovative skill as a distributor and motivator in and around the danger area. He’s come up with great ideas in the first two matches and I wouldn’t be surprised if Pekerman sits him down for this fixture. The former Argentine national coach typically plays his cards close to the vest at this stage in tournament. Something tells me he doesn’t want future high stakes opponents to get too good a look at Jackson Martinez, Freddy Guarin, or Abel Aguilar.

He’s also prudent enough to keep his players from logging too many minutes in the marathon that is tournament football. In addition to the physical pressure exerted on players who start all three group games, the potential for mental mistakes builds up too.

Pekerman plays it safe and the bookie picks a draw.

THE LINE: Pick em’

Have we been here before?

The “Cocaine Snorters”….er…“Coffee Growers” are Syndicate Debutantes. It’s thus impossible.

Greece vs. Cote d’Ivoire

  vs. 

Before anyone accuses me of setting a line with my heart on my sleeve, consider what a huge loss Kostas Katsouranis is for “To Piratikop”. Santos’s tactical plan falls apart without his key central defensive midfielder. On the topic of “falling apart” Konstantin Mitroglou lives up to his reputation as a real stinksauer “morale breaker”. Goals will have to come from either Gekas, Salpingidis, or Samaras, none of whom can be relied upon to fetch loose balls by themselves at this point.

At the end of the day, whether Drogba turns out to be the goat or the hero, he’ll factor into our story somehow. For the time being I’m much more in wondering how Lamouchi will get Toure, Soloman Kalou, and Max Gradel going. Boka and Aurier are doing well at the back, but an upfield impetus has been severely lacking in the opening two matches.

I have to believe he finds a way. The former Marseille standout has the respect of his players, the talent of whom remains legion.

THE LINE: Cote d’Ivoire +1 Goal

Have we been here before?

Nowhere close. What do these two nations have in store for us?

Initial Group Projection (5/31/2014)

1) Cote d’Ivoire 
2) Columbia 
3) Japan 
4) Greece 

Final Group Projection (6/23/2014)

2 to 1 Odds for Bookie

1) Columbia 
2) Cote d’Ivoire 
3) Japan 
4) Greece 

WEDNESDAY—

Nigeria vs. Argentina

  vs. 

Two underachieving teams clash, the Albiceleste qualifying as a sort of “sleeping giant” insofar as this tournament is concerned. It’s been quite the rude awakening for those of us who predicted that the “Cerberus Triplicate” of Messi, Higuain, and Aguero would sparkle during this tournament. Thus far they’ve torn nothing up, unless one counts our hearts.

We could explain away the halfhearted and downright apathetic tempo of the midfield during Argentina’s opener against Bosnia and Herzegovina by noting that Argentine head coach Alejandro Sabella inexplicably changed their preferred formation. He rolled out a peculiar looking 5-3-2 that was overly dependent on Di Maria on the left flank and Maxi Rodriguez on the right. Now that they’ve switched back to their conventional 4-3-3 (with Mascherano as the midfield “flight director”) we’ve flat run out of excuses.

This squad should spring into life at some point, but don’t count on them necessarily doing so against Keshi’s “Super Eagles”. I began my discussion of this “Syndicate Fan Favorite” nation in the Group F Preview Section by noting that Keshi’s critical move was to re-recruit Stoke’s Peter Odemwingie as his anchor.

Odemwingie not only scored the winning goal against the Golden Lillies on Saturday Night, he also demonstrated above average lateral prowess in squaring and crossing for Musa, Mikel, Onazi, and Emenike. I’ve no clue why he didn’t start the first match, but he’s now full of confidence, well poised to slow Mascherano and Di Maria down in the central pitch.

Are we in for another defensive stalemate capped by some late-game heroics? Methinks so. Messi or Mascherano with the late goal.

THE LINE: Argentina +1 Goal

Have we been here before?

Me oui! Journey back with me in the elevator of time…we’re headed all the down to the mezzanine: “2002: The Humble Beginnings of a Syndicate”.

From WM 2002—Round One:
WM 2002 
Heart palpitations ensue. I’ve thrown my lot in with the Argentines and the “EU-Wing Theory”. Here comes the first test. I expect them to come out with guns blazing. Should their coordination not necessarily match their talent, they can always cheat Maradona style.

THE LINE: Argentina +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Argentina 1, Nigeria 0. Not ready for primetime yet. The “EU-Wing Theory” did in due time find corroboration in this tournament. I simply picked the wrong squad….on the wrong continent.

Bosnia & Herzegovina vs. Iran

 vs. 

Time to “go home happy”, Golden Lilly enthusiasts. Susic will utilize his best eleven in hopes of bringing home a moral victory for the motherland. Dzeko and Ibisevic will start together as a striking tandem. (If someone could please explain to me why they weren’t paired together before, I’d be most grateful.)

Luci will handle the left flank and Pjanic will be moved up to command the right. It’s time for Misimovic and Salihovic to have a bit more fun. With nothing to lose, expect them to flick a few tricks just for the hell of it. No pressure. No stress. No burden

No chance for Iran.

THE LINE: Bosnia & Herzegovina +2 Goals

Have we been here before?

That’s why we love our Golden Lillies. Novelty galore!

 Initial Group Projection (6/4/2014)

1) Argentina 
2) Bosnia & Herzegovina 
3) Nigeria 
4) Iran 

Final Group Projection (6/23/2014)

Straight Up for Bookie

1) Argentina 
2) Nigeria 
3) Bosnia & Herzegovina 
4) Iran 

Honduras vs. Switzerland

  vs. 

Ottmar Hitzfeld is worse with his damn notebook than your poor, forlorn, friendly bookie. He scribbles away for a few minutes and tucks a little black book very much like mine back into the pocket of his trench coat. During the French debacle he looked like the football equivalent of Nero, leisurely composing an anthem while Rome burned around him.

As pertains to the Swiss, the rhetorical question this bookie finds himself most often jotting down is, “where is Fabian Schär”? Ottmar’s given us Von Bergen and Djourou twice now in spite of lackluster performances. He even dusted off Phillipe Senderos when von Bergen succumbed to an early injury. I honestly don’t know what this man’s plan is. I do know that it will likely be Mehmedi over Stocker and Drmic over Seferovic.

This basically amounts to window dressing. Die Schweizer Nati will roll over their inferior opponents, albeit in typically boring Swiss fashion. They shouldn’t have to work too hard to improve upon their last meeting (see below)

THE LINE: Switzerland +1 Goal

Have we been here before?

….
….

It was easily one of the worst matches of the South African World Cup.

From WM 2010—Round Four (Part IV)
WM 2010

Switzerland vs. Honduras

  vs. 

The Cuckoo clock has run out on the Swiss. The fondue pot has boiled over. Time for these out-of-touch micro-staters to go offer some  “Grüzi” sacrifices in the shrine of ACCT # 237102437. The team with the giant “H” on its jersey may have had the adverse fate of being the “CONCACAF Doormat”, but I believe they will teach this country of 7 million goofballs a lesson in football.

The Hondurans may not know much about keeping a stable government, but Figueroa, Hernandez, Palacios, and Suarez know how to play

UPSET ALERT!

THE LINE: Honduras +1 Goal

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Honduras 0, Switzerland 0. Who the hell cares? Beyond a moment or two from Tranquilo Barnetta and Alexander Frei, this was a fetid match. What a stinker. Waiting for this game to open up was akin to waiting for Godot….to get interesting. I hate that play almost as much as I hate the Swiss. Good riddance

Ecuador vs. France

 vs. 

Ze Frogs are NOT technically through yet! This must be emphasized. It would take a cataclysmic loss to Ecuador and a Swiss win to eliminate them, but it remains a strong possibility that they may not top the group. Hence, we can expect Deschamps to go with his strongest 11. I, for one am eagerly anticipating another delicious dish whipped up by our French Gourmand.

From WM 2014—Day Nine Recap:

GO FROGGIES GO!! It should have been a six-goal night! Benzema should have had his Hat Trick. What kind of vile and spiteful behavior was the ref engaging in when he denied him that goal? Deschamps made all the right moves. Starting Giroud at center forward and moving Benzema to the left was a stroke of genius. Moving up Matuidi and giving Sissoko the shot. Oh-la-la. What a delectable French recipe!

Cabaye had a monster night in central midfield. Evra looks really strong despite those lapses. Didn’t I tell you that I liked this team? I told you how much I believe in Les Bleus. All the way to the Semifinals, just as we augured!

Whether it’s Cabaye or Pogba…the result is clear.

THE LINE: France +2 Goals

Have we been here before?

Negative. They slid past one another in 2006. In 2002 neither one of them got out of the group..

 Initial Group Projection (6/4/2014)

1) France 
2) Switzerland 
3) Ecuador 
4) Honduras 

Final Group Projection (6/23/2014)

(Straight Up for Bookie)

1) France  
2) Switzerland 
3) Ecuador 
4) Honduras 

THURSDAY—

Deutschland vs. USA

  vs. 

(Glorious Fatherland vs. Country of Convenience)

  vs. 

Give it up, America. Fun and games are over. For all those of you who insist on pressing me to root for the States…….sorry. My name is Vicey. I’m the last in a long line of Vice Males to live on this German Straße. My great-grandfather, my grandfather, and my father called this very house home.

There will be no continuation of “The Line of Vice”. I am the last one. Even, if by some inexplicable miracle, a girl convinces me to breed; the kids can have her last name.

I live where they lived. I drink what they drank. I eat what they ate. I root for the same country that they do. Period. The only thing precluding me from setting a higher line is that I know you’ll eat this one up. Good luck, Gentlemen. You’re really going to need it this time. This match won’t even be close.

Stop getting your hopes up. Welcome back to the “K.O. Phase”. You won’t get there over our backs.

Podolski, Hummels, and Lahm.

You’re dead.

THE LINE: Mannschaft +1 Goal

Have we been here before?

WM 2002Oh yes. ; ) ; ) The Glorious Fatherland and the Country of Convenience met in a hotly-contested Quarterfinal Clash back at the “dawn” of the Syndicate. It was legendary in Syndicate Lore!!

Germany vs. USA

 vs. 

Nothing special about this match. Ho hum. Just two ordinary Nation-Sates squaring off on a routine Saturday night. I’m told that these countries have people living within their borders and that these people in turn speak domestic languages. I seem to be remiss in any endeavor to write something further. Thanks to the Marshall Plan, these two are essentially the same country anyway. Yawn. I discern no reason why I should expend any energy in picking one or the other.

Wait for it……

Wait for it……

Wait for it……

The fuck is wrong with you? Not interested in any of the other matches?

Wait for it…..

You know my cat did something peculiar the other day. He climbed in an open 40-pound bag of kitty liter and took a shit. I’d be happy to spin more yarns about my pet’s digestive eccentricities. All you have to do is ask. J

Wait for it….

The Phillies have a decent team this year. I think this will be the year that Brandon Duckworth kid breaks out. Ricky Ledee also looks solid.

Wait for it….

Wait for it…

I know that everyone’s anxious to hear my views on the revised EU Common Agricultural Policy. The French turnip quotas are especially fascinating.

Wait for it…

Coverage of this game will begin at 3:30 a.m. Central Daylight Time. Before committing yourself to this appointment, all of those of you in the States should seriously consider the competing programming offered simultaneously by our other fine broadcast outlets. For example, at least twelve separate stations will be selling various trinkets, 9/11 coins, Commemorative NASCAR plates, Girls gone Wild DVDs and Diana dolls. For those of you after the elusive washboard abs, a number of quality infomercials will enlighten you as to how can obtain them by sitting on your fat ass and hooking pulsating massagers up to your beer gut. “Nick at Nite” will feature some episodes from the third season of “Coach” (undoubtedly the strongest season) and the second season of “Major Dad” (also undeniably the peak of this short lived gift from the heavens). Are you prepared to miss that? Tuning into this match means you’ll have to postpone your 423rd viewing of “Conan the Destroyer”, 241st viewing of “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome”, your 875th viewing of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, your 13,983rd viewing of “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” AND your 345,678thth viewing of the 45th Scooby Doo Episode (It’s a good one. Old Man Smith turns out to be the Swamp Monster. Did not see that one coming).

If you fail to switch over to the History Channel, you run the risk of not knowing something about Hitler’s favorite Tuesday afternoon vegetarian meal! Next time you’re out at the bar and your mates start talking about the spellbinding information conveyed during C-Span 2’s academic panel discussion on Southeastern Appellate Court Jurisdictional Reach in Property Claims Cases 1871-1875, you’ll be left out of the conversation! You’ll never know the incredibly riveting true resolution to the Turner Child Custody Case of 1987, because you weren’t watching “He took her Baby and She wanted It Back” on the Lifetime Movie Network! How will you live with yourself without knowing when precisely Jesus will show up? “Sometime in the near future after the checks are cashed” or “Very soon indeed after you give me more money”. YOU WON’T KNOW. YOU WON’T KNOW!!

Alright, Sweetie. Hope you enjoyed that. I’m going to go ahead and copulate now. Time for the Money Shot!    

GLORIOUS VATERLAND vs. Country of Convenience

  vs. 

Achhhh Ja. Whew. Glad I got that off my chest….and onto yours. Sorry for all the pussyfooting around, but I surely couldn’t just give you such an important pick without a bit of foreplay. Pre-mature delegation affects bookies of all ages and this momentous match is no fat chick.

Editor’s retroactive notes:
According to my legal team, I must now issue a sincere apology to all Women of Girth (WOGs) for all of the pain inflicted by my proclivity towards instinctively mean and callously insensitive shock humor during my youth. I myself possess no genuine malice towards women of the more rotund persuasion. In fact…er…some of my best friends are fat chicks. Look, the bottom line is I’ve honestly loved more chubby chicas than the amount of any readers of this combined. Leave me the fuck alone and stop taking it personally. Dry your tears and put down that pint of Haagen-Dazs. I said put it down! NO..NO. BAD GIRL! STOP IT!

Here’s the deal: Mein Name ist Peter Josef Weis und ich bin ursprünglich und zuerst ein aufrechter Deutscher! As much as I’d love to pretend that I agonized over this decision, vacillating between the two countries and pacing all over the computer lab until I was compelled to unleash a soliloquy on matters of the conflicted soul before breaking down and starting to sob uncontrollably, it took about 0.002313 atomic seconds after the possibly of this pairing came up before I started having a craving for Schnitzel and Spätzle. Deutschland is where I attended my first football match. Germany is where I started following the sport. The Fatherland is where I scored my first own goal (actually it was in Rome, but close enough). My dearest Americans, I find it too arduous to back a country I only recently learned has a male team. J I, like most everyone else around the globe, simply assumed you would disguise the women, teach them how to grasp their groin during free kicks and pack them off to the World Cup. We had no clue you intended to shipping some actual swinging dicks and that you would let them hang low.

Let’s dive into detail about why you might want to watch Jack van Impe anyway: We’ve got the rising star of this tournament, a sprightly little Pollack by the name of Miroslav Klose. So precipitous has been his rise that he might even start in lieu of Bierhof. Fullback Christian Ziege will hassle McBride all night long, not even allowing him to get so much as a whiff of goal. Should he lapse, we’ve got the best keeper in the world: Karlsruhe’s own Oliver Kahn. As the Poland match demonstrated, your back four is softer than Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear’s Junk. Agoos, Saneh and Pope are bad options. Berhalter and Mastroeni and Lhamosa. You’ll be forced to play only three defenders. We shall, prod puncture, and penetrate. Alright. Enough of the autoerotic euphemisms. Here’s your line:

THE LINE: Deutschland  +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:
RESULT: Germany 1, USA 0. Arena gave Berhalter the nod and started four defenders. The bulky backfield of Uncle Sam gave us quite a scare. This was a tense match, about as exciting as a coffee enema. Klose started, but managed only one shot. After Ballack scored shortly before the half, it was all America. Donovan released three vicious strikes that pushed the limits of Kahn’s brilliance. Claudio Reyna found John O’Brien in space, resulting in a cracker that I’m still not certain how Kahn saved. Of course one cannot discuss this game without mentioning the blatant takedown of Clint Mathis by Torsten Frings in the box. Yes, U.S. fans. You should have been awarded a penalty. Thus began the distinctly American tradition of griping that the officials give them no respect. Dems the breaks, Yanks. I present an alternative view: The Refs can’t SAVE a game FOR you. You were outclassed. The headline in Die Bild Zeitung the following morn read “Kahn beats America”. Nothing truer has been printed in die Bild since.

Portugal vs. Ghana

  vs. 

Kwadwo a’int finished yet. C. Ronaldo, conversely, can barely hold himself together. That goddamned tendonitis may end up ruining his career. That’s why we have an

UPSET ALERT!!

THE LINE: Pick em’

Have we been here before?

The pair oh so narrowly missed one another in 2006, then not so narrowly in 2010.

 Initial Group Projection (6/6/2014)

1) Germany 
2) Portugal 
3) Ghana 
4) USA 

Final Group Projection (6/23/2014)

(Straight Up for Bookie)

1) Germany 
2) USA 
3) Ghana 
4) Portuga l

Belgium vs. South Korea

  vs. 

Without any pressure, it’s impossible to even conceive of Wilmots putting forth Kompany and van Buyten here. That’s why we have ourselves a pick.

Heung Min-Son opens up the scoring and the much-maligned Lukaku evens matters up.

THE LINE: “Pick em”

Have we been here before?

South Korea’s historically improbable run to the Quarterfinals didn’t include a meeting with Belgium.

Algeria vs. Russia

 vs.  

I was wrong to doubt Halilhodzic. Capello only has four years to get the Ruskies in gear. He’ll have to start from behind as the “Trappatoni Tenet” has been unequivocally proven.

Either Slimani or Bougherra grabs a brace.

THE LINE: Algeria +1 Goal

Have we been here before?

They’ve never even qualified for the same WM before.

Initial Group Projection (6/8/2014)

1) Belgium 
2) South Korea 
3) Algeria 
4) Russia 

Final Group Projection (6/23/2014)

Straight Up for Bookie

1) Belgium 
2) Algeria 
3) South Korea 
4) Russia 

GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS