Your “Syndicate Hangover” is proudly presented by
“Pißwasser Pils”
BITTE EIN PIß!!
Day 17: Recap
Record—
Spread: 17-35
Straight up: 24-19-9
Hot Girl
Standings
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
Brazil
|
145
|
4
|
Netherlands
|
114
|
4
|
Columbia
|
106
|
4
|
Costa Rica
|
103
|
4
|
Mexico
|
92
|
4 (finished)
|
Argentina
|
90
|
3
|
France
|
76
|
3
|
Chile
|
74
|
4 (finished)
|
Greece
|
67
|
4 (finished)
|
Japan
|
66
|
3 (finished)
|
USA
|
65
|
3
|
South Korea
|
65
|
3 (finished)
|
Germany
|
64
|
3
|
Australia
|
63
|
3 (finished)
|
Nigeria
|
61
|
3
|
Bosnia & H
|
59
|
3 (finished)
|
Spain
|
58
|
3 (finished)
|
Belgium
|
55
|
3
|
Ecuador
|
53
|
3 (finished)
|
Ghana
|
52
|
3 (finished)
|
Cote d’Ivoire
|
49
|
3 (finished)
|
Russia
|
41
|
3 (finished)
|
Italy
|
39
|
3 (finished)
|
Honduras
|
37
|
3 (finished)
|
Uruguay
|
36
|
4 (finished)
|
Switzerland
|
35
|
3
|
Croatia
|
33
|
3 (finished)
|
Cameroon
|
32
|
3 (finished)
|
Portugal
|
31
|
3 (finished)
|
England
|
29
|
3 (finished)
|
Iran
|
26
|
3 (finished)
|
Algeria
|
24
|
3
|
Yawn Syndicate Members,
Yaaaawn.
Another short night and a long day stands before your
friendly bookie. Rest assured he wouldn’t have it any other way. ; ) Syndicate Member 1-M has been so kind
as to check in with a piece from the New Yorker. Evidently, Ann Coulter took a
break from her morning self-induced vomiting to tweet during the Germany vs.
USA game.
Nice job by Ian Crouch of mimicking everyone’s favorite
“Bulimic Batshit Bitch”. As usual I don’t recommend reading the comment
section, or any Internet comment section. The comment section of a publication
as sophisticated as the New Yorker doesn’t feature a preponderance of posts
reading “GAAAAY”, and “Ron Paul 2016!!”, but you’ve still got a bunch of
worthless flunkies arguing over whether or not the latest intellectual slant of
the editorials in “The Economist” reflects 1970s European neo-liberalism.
Life is so sad. ; ( Even the well-read and well-educated
waste time composing carefully constructed comments on on-line forums. ; (
Seriously, dudes. Where do you find the time to waste sparring as wonkish
scholars of a random Internet Article? More importantly, WHY?! Do you really
think anyone gives a shit? Get back to work!
Such completely irrational behavior serves to illustrate why
we will NEVER allow comments on this blog. I’ve provided an explanation
already:
Further thoughts on the downfall of humanity can be found
here:
God help us. There’s a highly disturbing confessional aspect
to the Digital Age. You see it every time you log into Facebook. I’m really
sorry about your mother. It sucks that you had to pull the plug at 3:00 a.m.
She fought long and hard against that cancer. After her six-year-long struggle,
I’m sure she’s proud of you for whipping out your Smartphone at 3:02 a.m. and
telling the world about it. It’s all she could have hoped for.
Now….er…..you may want to close her eyes. They’re still
open! Put down your Smartphone! Yes, I know that little “ping” just told you
that you got a “like” on Facebook, but the woman’s eyes are still open!! Caress
them shut and give her a kiss!!
…..Let’s talk football.
“‘Drawing
it Up’ For the Survivors”
1)
Netherlands
Projected
Lineup:
“Clockwork
Oranje” (5-3-2)—Match Four
Arjen Robben Robin van Persie
|
Jermain Lens Wesley Sneijder
|
Nigel de Jong
|
Daley
Blind
Daryl Janmaat
|
S. de Vrij R. Vlaar M.
Depay
|
J. Cillessen
|
Actual
Lineup:
“Clockwork
Oranje” (4-3-1-2)—Match Four
Arjen Robben Robin van Persie
|
Wesley Sneijder
|
G.
Wijnaldum
Nigel de Jong
|
Dirk Kuyt
|
B.
Blind S. de Vrij R. Vlaar P. Verhaegh
|
J. Cillessen
|
So it looked to your friendly bookie. I was outright shocked
at the selection of 33-year-old Dirk Kuyt to serve as anchoring defensive
midfielder. Additionally, Verhaegh in place of Janmaat with Depay on his hot
streak? Weird stuff. Finally, Wijnaldum on the wing? Eh? Wijnaldum would have
made sense last year, but his injury-plagued season at PSV had us all thinking
he was nothing more than a token selection. I thought it had to be Lens for
sure.
The Nigel de Jong injury forced van Gaal into his first
substitution. Much to everyone’s surprise, Bruno Martins Indi turned out to be
fit enough to take the reins. All three substitutes receive grades. Memphis
Depay may not have gotten the nod as a centerback, but he continues to make an
impact late in games. Klaas Jan-Huntelaar voluntarily stepped forward to take
the PK. He felt he had something to prove after slowing down for Schalke this
season. Man did he ever. This bookie won’t soon forget how he casually dribbled
the ball on the spot like he was Tim-fucking-Duncan. Well done, Kumpel.
Grades:
Grades—Netherlands
(Match Four)
Klaas Jan Huntelaar
|
A+
|
Wesley Sneijder
|
A+
|
Arjen Robben
|
A
|
Robin van Persie
|
B
|
Daley Blind
|
B
|
Ron Vlaar
|
B-
|
Memphis Depay
|
B-
|
Paul Verhaegh
|
C+
|
Jasper Cillessen
|
C+
|
Stefan de Vrij
|
C
|
Bruno Martins Indi
|
D
|
Dirk Kuyt
|
F
|
Georginio Wijnaldum
|
F
|
Not a great match at all. Many commentators warned that the
Dutch would slow down in their first late afternoon kickoff. Brutal heat in
Fortaleza. We could chalk it up to that…or insist that van Gaal do a better job
selecting his lineup. Kuyt and Wijnaldum were dreadful decisions.
The “Goofy Germans” always defy logic. Was van Gaal thinking
long-term? Saving de Guzman and Lens for a more critical Quarterfinal Fixture?
No one penetrates the Dutch mind, particularly not the one of an old Spinner
set to take over ManU in a matter of days. We’ll just have to wait and see. If
Kuyt starts again…..we know he’s thinking about decorating his office at Old
Trafford.
2)
Costa Rica
Projected
Lineup:
“Los
Ticos” (5-3-2)—Match Four
Joel Campbell Christian Bolanos
|
Y. Tejeda
Bryan Ruiz
|
Celso Borges
|
J. Diaz
C. Gamboa
|
M. Umana G.
Gonzalez O. Duarte
|
Keylor Navas
|
Actual
Lineup:
“Los
Ticos” (5-4-1)—Match Four
Joel Campbell
|
Christian
Bolanos
Bryan Ruiz
|
Yeltsin Tejeda
Celso Borges
|
Junior Diaz
Cristian Gamboa
|
M. Umana G. Gonzalez O. Duarte
|
Keylor Navas
|
As pertains to the starting lineup, your friendly bookie
picked 11 out of 11 correctly. Jorge Pinto simply shifted to the even more
conservative 5-4-1, likely out of concern that his centerbacks simply couldn’t
handle the ability of Samris, Maniatis, and Salpingidis to get diagonal through
balls into the attack.
The strategy yielded prudent results, even if trying to
“out-defend” the Greeks is like trying to “out-slut” Jenna Haze. Defensive
stalemate reigned. All three substitutes played long enough to merit grades.
And here they come…
Grades—Costa
Rica (Match Four)
Keylor Navas
|
A
|
Bryan Ruiz
|
A
|
Christian Bolanos
|
A
|
Junior Diaz
|
B
|
Yeltsin Tejeda
|
B
|
Michael Umana
|
B
|
Giancarlo Gonzalez
|
B-
|
Randall Brennes
|
B-
|
Joel Campbell
|
C+
|
Celso Borges
|
C+
|
Cristian Gamboa
|
C
|
J.M. Cubero
|
C-
|
Johny Acosta
|
D
|
Oscar Duarte
|
F
|
Not a great team. The clock strikes midnight for Cinderella
next round.
Goodbyes
Section
Mexico
—“El Tri”
-4 Games Played
-5 Goals Scored
-92 Hot Girls
…and it all looked to be going so well. A mere two minutes
from time the Dutch snatched their victory from them. Three minutes into added
time they broke ever last heart south of the Rio Grande. So close to cracking
that glass ceiling. The Mexicans have only advanced beyond the Round of 16 in
the two years that they hosted the tournament (1970 and 1986).
Since then (after being disqualified in 1990), they’ve now
been eliminated in the Round of 16 in SIX consecutive tournaments. Yes, you
read that correctly. SIX Consecutive World Cups. The Bulgarians threw them out
in 1994 en route to the semifinals. The Germans disposed of them in 1998. The
Americans memorably upset them in 2002. Hmmm…..let’s relive that one, shall we?
From WM 2002---“Round of 16”
USA
vs. Mexico
This
is a huge match….in Mexico. I want nothing more than to pretend as if Americans
view this as a clash of the CONCACAF Titans, but they won’t. At a recent party
I did everything I possibly could to elicit some views on the upcoming USA vs.
Mexico match, only to collect some blank stares, a paltry assemblage of bumbled
words, and offers of another beer.
It’s
not as if the proposition of another drink offends me in some way. I’m somehow
troubled by the voluntary dismissal of flag-waving. The U.S. finds itself
tasked with a “Border Battle”. Your rivals touch you, cupping your balls if you
will. Where is the excitement? Where is the war paint? Where are the girls
willing to go topless? (That last question had nothing to do with this match).
In any event, I’d like to see some more intensity and much more devotion. I
feel as if we’re privy to an epic battle and can find no one else who shares
this opinion. That, paired with the abysmal play of the U.S. in the last game,
forces me to pick Mexico.
THE
LINE: Mexico +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
USA 2, Mexico 0. A historic victory….that no one noticed. The pick was unfairly
based on my immediate experiences…and the triumph was unfairly based on the
notion that someone might give a shit. To be even-handed, support for the U.S.
Football team has burgeoned in a way that nobody (including myself) could have
ever possibly conceived. Suddenly the U.S. Football Team has become the popular
summer fashion. Fair enough. This is an occasion for joy, not condescension. JJ I sincerely hope that all U.S.
semi-fans will someday realize that Claudio Reyna, Brain McBride, and Landon
Donovan once showed up the Mexican Side with their sublime skills. Since then
it’s been all downhill. Sam’s Army hasn't managed to advance further.
Wow was that one fun! The Argentines took care of them in
2006. That one was fun too! Let’s relive her!!
From WM 2006—Round of Sixteen (Part I)
Argentina vs. Mexico
Four years ago I predicted the “La Albiceleste” would
recapture the former glory of the 1978 and 1986 Championship Teams. Though that
side didn’t even make it past the group stages, this gang is strong enough to
muscle their way to gold, return home in time to kick the Brits out of the
Falklands, and conquer the South Shetlands after marching across the Drake
Passage on foot. They’re that good. Jesus after snorting amphetamines.
All the big guns will be back on the pitch. Sorin,
Crespo, Saviola, and Heinze were the recipients of a welcome rest cure. Should
their absence lead to reduced touch, Tevez, Milito, and “the kid” stand ready
to relieve. Lavolpe gets Borghetti back at long last, but must do without
Francisco Rodriguez, Luis Perez, and the still injured Guillermo Franco. After
an ebullient opener, striker Omar Bravo has decidedly cooled and may be left
off.
It looks to be a bad day for Lavolope against his home
county. He’ll be back in Buenos Aires in time to re-touch his highlights. This
will be the worst Mexican Mariachi Routine since “The Naked Gun 2/12”. Adios
Amigos.
THE
LINE: Argentina +2 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Argentina 2, Mexico 1. (a.e.t 120) Things began promising enough for the
wetbacks. In the 6th minute, the ever-exciting Pavel Pardo sliced in
a beautiful free kick clinically headed on by Mario Mendez straight the boot of
Javier Marquez. The Mexican lead lasted all of four minutes. Riquelme delivered
a corner straight to the battling duo of Herman Crespo and Jared Borghetti. In
a flailing attempt to keep the service from reaching Crespo’s outstretched leg,
Borghetti’s first significant play since returning from an injury sustained in
the first match was to head the ball into his own net. Things settled down
thereafter with Borghetti and Saviola swapping near misses before the 90-minute
march. An extra half hour would be required to separate these two teams, but in
reality it was over after Maxi Rodriguez scored THE “Goal of the tournament” in
the 98th. Maxi chested down a Mascherano switch and fired first time
off the volley for a dazzling 35-yard half-moon effort that curved elegantly
into the top left corner. “La Fuerta! Maxi, Maxi, Maxi, Maxi, Maxi
Rrrrrrrrrooodriguez “ One day someone will repeat my first name five times for
effect.
The Argentines overtook them once again in 2010. Come to
think of it, that one was THE MOST FUN OF ALL!! Let’s review:
From WM 2010—Round of 16 (Part II)
End of the line, Amigos. Here we have potentially the
greatest mismatch in the Round of Sixteen. “Maradona’s Muchachos” are hitting
their stride at precisely the right time and are poised to run over the beaners
as nonchalantly as Maradona rides over innocent pedestrians. After literally
decades of disappointing flops, the Argentines are finally fortunate enough to
play a WM in their own hemisphere. Never thought there was much to “The Grand
Hemisphere Theory”, but I’m gradually becoming a convert. More time is
obviously needed, but I can see this once disregarded conjecture eclipsing Bill
Simmons’ “Ewing Theory” as the most potent crackpot idea in all of sports. I
stand by my early assertions that the Argentines have, pound-for-pound, the
best team in the tournament and that Maradona’s lunacy will prove altogether
unimportant.
Since a blowout will preclude us from seeing the Mexican
fans after Sunday, I leave you with some aspects to enjoy tomorrow (plucked
from the dailies of course):
“We may all look forward to flamboyant costumes of the
beaners. These Mexicans know how to do it right. Mexican wrestling masks,
gigantic sombreros, and Aztec warrior attire. How can one NOT love these
people?! They are…..the most interesting fans in the world. Stay thirsty, my
friends! Plus, they do a fantastic job with the lawn and my oranges are always
tip-top. Viva Mexico!”
To this we may add the old Socialist Salute they insist
on doing during the national anthem and Javier Aguirre’s baboon teeth. Man
bears a striking resemblance to Klaus Kinski….
Projected Lineups:
“El Tri”
1) Oscar Perez
2) Hector Moreno
3) Francisco Rodriguez
4) Rafael Marquez
5) Andres Guardado
6) Gerrardo Torrado
7) C. Blanco
8) Effrain Juarez
9) Javier Hernandez
10) Guillermo Franco
11) Giovanni dos Santos
“La Albicelesta”
1) Sergio Romero
2) Walter Samuel
3) Martin Demichelis
4) Gabriel Heinze
5) Jonas Gutierrez
6) Javier Mascherano
7) Gonzalo Higuain
8) Diego Milito
9) Maxi Rodriguez
10) Carlos Tevez
11) Lionel Messi
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---5 Goals
120 Minutes— 3 to 1
Penalty Shootout— 5 to 1
Messi brace –4 to 1
Messi hat trick—5 to 1
Mascherano on set piece – 2 to 1
Milito from outside the 18 –3 to 1
Sergio Aguero substitution (70+) –3 to 1
Over 20 shots of Maradona-- 3 to 1
Tevez draws penalty – 3 to 1
Oscar Perez goalkeeping error – 3 to 1
Mexican own goal
-- 3 to 1
Dos Santos brace -- 5 to 1
Carlos Vela substitution (70+) – 3 to 1
THE
LINE: Argentina +3
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Argentina 3, Mexico 1. Aguirre was livid after Tevez’s opening goal in the 26th,
even if replays showed he had little cause for complaint. Keeper Oscar Perez
rushed out to meet Tevez, sliding down to take on in the stomach. The ball
bounced back to Messi, cool-as-you-like, flipped it back for Tevez to head into
the empty net. Hardcore fans of El Tricolor still insist Tevez was offside when
Messi delivered, even after it appears Rafael Marquez and Francisco Rodriguez
kept him just on.
The
two central fullbacks might have done well to stay put. Ricardo Osorio might
have done well to stay home. Under pressure from Higuain in the 33rd,
he inexplicably passed the ball to his opponent right in front of his keeper.
Higuain deked-out Perez nicely before lobbing in to finish. Still, it was a
gift-wrapped howler from Osorio that put the Albiceleste up 2-0.
Seven
minutes after the restart, Tevez all but put the game out of reach for the
Hossas. A 52nd minute firecracker secured his brace, as well as
Argentina’s ticket to the next round. Maradona ordered them to stand down and
allow El Tri forty minutes to search for a meaningless consolation. Javier
Hernandez finally got it in the 71st, after squandering several
previous chances.
So many years…so much fun : ) ; ) Deeply sorry for the
newfound friends of “regional
solidarity”. I’m sorry you didn’t get to “take her out for a spin” with your
Mexican colleagues. Even sorrier for all of those recently converted “Miguel
Herrera Apostles”. Shall we link to it again? I do believe we shall:
Even sorrier still for all the legitimate “El-Tri”
enthusiasts out there. Take solace in the fact that this team was always meant
to go gently into that good night. After a disastrous qualifying campaign that
saw three coaches go through the turnstiles, it was simply time to realize that
there will be life after Rafael Marquez, Carlos Salcido, Francisco Javier
Rodriguez, and even Jesus Corona. A new dawn awaits. We’ll see you again in
four years…or two....It all depends. The point is that you’ll return with an
even stronger side. Aquina, Chicharito, Guardado, and Ochoa will all be back
better than ever.
Miguel Herrera won’t be back…as much as we would all like
him to be. ; )
Greece
—“To Piratiko”
-4 Games Played
-3 Goals Scored
-67 Hot Girls
Fernando Santos’s contract has expired. He watched the final
minutes of last night’s game from the tunnel, having being sent off during the
penalty shootout. He’s gone. Surprisingly enough, the Hellenic Football
Federation didn’t even make an effort to negotiate with him.
The Greeks will thus return in 2016 with a new coach and a
new captain. Kostas Katsouranis and Giorgios Karagounis turn in their cleats.
Will they qualify? Of course. Even if the tournament wasn’t expanding to 24
nations, they’re strong favorites to top a group that only Hungary and Romania
have little chance of contesting.
Feeling blue, Pirate fans? Be gay and remember the Summer of
2004! I will…if only to remember a time when I amassed winning oddsmaking
stats!
From EM 2004—Goodbyes and Championship Pick:
We end
where we began. These two teams kicked off a tournament full of surprises with
a shocking Cinderella upset over the highly favored hosts. The Navigators
battled through their early adversity to win a rematch with a team that no
prognosticator thought would even win a group stage game. I myself have
incorrectly handicapped the Greeks in all six of their matches, picking them to
lose five times and win once. Were I an actual Sports Journalist, the entire
country of Portugal would surely be begging me to pick the Greeks. I sincerely
doubt any other odds maker has been so consistently wrong about this team. My
Final Stats:
Spread:
18-12
Straight
up: 19-6-5
Sigh.
Those these figures are among my best ever, imagine how dominant I could have
been had I not been 0-5 with respect to the Greeks? Actually all one has to do
is some simple arithmetic. On paper the Portuguese attacking options should
make them 2-3 goal favorites, just as they were in the opening match. The
Greeks are not only undermanned, they’ll be without Inter’s Giorgios
Karagounis. Of course I’ve been saying this all tournament. The entire globe
expects Christiano Ronaldo, Pauellta, Figo, and Deco to prevail on their home
turf. How can they possibly dishonor themselves against a meek opposition with
proven weaknesses?
I see
a way. The Greek back four are miserly little obstructionists. They’ve blanked
both the French and the Czechs by inserting themselves into the path of nearly
every ball. Finesse teams have been constantly frustrated by their inability to
string together more than three passes without encountering an obstinate
Hellenic obstructionist. Fyssas, Setararis, and Kapsis appear to form some sort
of triangulation defense that intercepts everything aside from pure flank
prowess. In Ice Hockey parlance, this would be termed a “Neutral Zone Trap”. I
do not purport to whether Rehhagel will be able to sustain his model or Scolari
has a plan to exploit it. All I can say for certain is that chances are always
at a premium during a Finals match. Either team can eke out a 1-0 victory on a
controversial spot kick or corner. We’re there money involved, I’d have no
qualms about making this a pick. I do not foresee the Portuguese offense
catching fire in what will be a closely contested trench fight. I do think,
however, that they just barely manage to avenge their previous abasement. The
Greek pattern thus far has been W-W-L-W-W-? I say the trend continues.
Portugal’s the pick. Enjoy the match. Enjoy the next two years. See you in the
Fatherland for WM 2006!!
THE
LINE: Portugal +1 goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Greece 1, Portugal 0. Hmmmm…for those of you keeping track, that’s….fuck it you
get the idea. How many times can one person make the same mistake? As you can
see, some stubbornly endure to do so until the very end. Re-reading this
passage brings raises memories of how I toyed with the idea of picking Greece.
It’s plainly apparent that I even made an effort to talk myself into it. If my
father were present he would without hesitation launch into his “You’ve once
again weighed the evidence correctly and made the wrong decision.” Man, I can
really hate that man sometimes! Why must he have such a valid point?
Persistent
defending, timely substitutions, and the insanely recurrent curse of
injuries/crossbars that afflicted Greek opponents led to the biggest upset in
tournament history. To this one might add “The Curse of the Amateur Bookie.”
There was much clamoring for bets on Greece after I made my pick. Thankfully I
was equally stubborn in insisting the match was off the table.
Miguel
and Figo produced the best opportunities in the first half the former forcing
Nikopolidis into a fingertip save. Insofar as I recall, Christiano Ronaldo
didn’t even manage a touch. Fullback Miguel limped off with a knee shortly
before halftime, depriving the Navigators of the only player who had
successfully pervaded a stolid Greek defense.
As
predicted, chances were at a premium. While the Navigators had only secured two
chances on target during the first half, the Greeks had none. They earned their
first corner ten minutes after the restart. Basinas and Charisteas combined to
make it count. Basinas had been subbed out comparatively early against the
Czechs and was rumored to be jealous of Tsiartas’s heroics in that game. After
spending days perfecting his delivery, he served up a perfectly curled ball
that dipped right into Charisteas well-timed leap. Scolari immediately sprang
into action, bringing in Rui Costa and Nuno Gomez. It would be to no avail. The
Navigators did not produce a memorable effort until Caravlho forced a touch
from the keeper in the 81st minute. Fyssas, Setararis, and Kapsis
stood tall until the very last moment, deflecting desperate dying efforts from
Ronaldo and Figo safely out of harms way. The whistle blew and the Navigators
had blown it with hardly a whimper. A mere eight years ago, the Greeks were the
beasts of Europe. It’s been downhill for them ever since.
“Riffs
of the Day”—Day Seventeen
Reader:
Can you still watch soccer at this point?
Vicey:
Fatigue always comes in to play. The worldliness of it all overrides
it….Indeed, knowing that one remains a very small part of a massive global
scene overrides just about any petty complaints one might have.
Meditate
on that….hooom..
Reader:
Not worried at all?
Vicey:
Not worried. Not nervous. Give it up.
Reader:
Will I ever get to “take her out for a spin”?
Vicey:
Keep an eye on that USA vs. Belgium match. Have your flags and car keys at the
ready!
DAY EIGHTEEN—PREVIEW
Intrigue envelops two matches that one might think resemble
“mismatches” more than anything else. Can ze French avoid looking like the
Dutch? Will e Germans avoid a repeat of 1982? FIND OUT!!
France vs. Nigeria
Keshi’s Boys are all but considered out in this tournament
that has proven most unkind to African Squads. Your friendly bookie is still
taking money on it, though. I’ve got a nasty premonition that we’ll have some
controversy here. Hoping that I’m wrong.
THE
LINE: France +2 Goals (rolling up from +1)
Deutschland vs. Algeria
vs.
So you don’t trust me. I get that ; ) ; ) You can still take
advantage of my “Kraut-Pride”. It’s yours for the taking!
THE
LINE: Mannschaft +2 Goals (holding)
Gentlemen,
Enter Your Wagers