Shadow Scholar Syndicate: WM 2014--Day Six Recap

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BITTE EIN PIß!!

Day 6: Recap

Record—

Spread: 5-12

Straight up: 8-6-3

Hot Girl Standings

Country	Tally	Games Played
Brazil	70	2
Mexico	35	2
Argentina	29	1
Belgium	28	1
Germany	27	1
USA	27	1
Columbia	25	1
Netherlands	24	1
Costa Rica	21	1
Cote d’Ivoire	21	1
South Korea	21	1
Japan	20	1
Ecuador	20	1
Russia	20	1
France	19	1
Nigeria	18	1
Bosnia & H	17	1
Chile	15	1
Spain	12	1
Ghana	12	1
Switzerland	12	1
Australia	11	1
Portugal	9	1
Uruguay	9	1
Italy	9	1
Greece	8	1
Honduras	8	1
Croatia	6	1
Cameroon	6	1
England	4	1
Iran	4	1
Algeria	1	1

Viva la Südstadt Syndicate Members,

My sincere thanks to all the lovely Brazilian ladies of a rockin’ little ethnic bar ironically named “Valhalla”! What a fantastically turbocharged evening! We may not of got any goals but we sang, we danced, we cheered, and then we danced some more. This is what it’s all about Syndicate Members. It’s written the following emphasis no fewer than 237 times all throughout the 12-year-history of the Syndicate, but let’s go for 240:

HANG OUT WITH AS MANY INTERNATIONALS AS YOU CAN!

We’re just getting started. Go find a Spanish bar tonight and cheer along with the La Roja enthusiasts. Grab a pretty girl and give her a twirl on the dance floor. Sing “Ole Ole” until you lose your voice. It’s the World Cup, gentlemen. It’s Summer. It’s MAGIC.

Your friendly bookie initially sat in a corner scribbling in his notebook as usual. That didn’t last long. As it turns out, Brazilian women are even more direct than Spanish ones. A striking beauty soon sauntered over and literally grabbed him by the hand.

“Hey there handsome. How about you put down the notebook and come dance with me?”

How could I refuse? A tip to all of the zero women reading this: That line….ALWAYS WORKS. YOU CANNOT LOSE. See something you like? TAKE IT. It’s yours. His stare was holding. Ripped jeans. Skin was showing. Hot night. Wind was blowing. WHERE YOU THINK YOU’RE GOIN’ BABY?

Employ the “Carly Rae Jepsen Maneuver”. It’s not crazy. You’re crazy if you don’t try it at least once. I assure you that your chances of success are 100 percent. Never in the history of the human race has that line not worked. Sometime in the early Holocene Epoch Ooga this Cavegirl found Grog the Hunter concentrating entirely too hard on his cave paintings. She walked over to him, struck him on the head with a club, and said,

“You stop working. Me have breasts.”

It’s worked ever since.

More on yet another magical summer’s eve later. For now, we have our first major correction to report. The ever-fastidious Syndicate Member 5-M has pointed out that I made a serious error when typing up the Round Two Lines. I incorrectly stated that Brazil and Mexico had never met in Syndicate History. DUH! They just met last Summer during the Confederations Cup. I can’t believe I forgot! I just typed up the retroactive notes last month! Unbelievable. Thank you very much 5-M. We strive for historical precision here at Syndicate Headquarters. We certainly wouldn’t want to confuse any future scholars working at the “Department of Vice Studies” at “Lebowski University”.

Here’s what happened twelve months ago.

From CC 2013—Round Two:

Brazil vs. Mexico

vs.

Neymar will not be denied! He’ll carry confidence into this second round showdown against the slowpoke spicks. If there are any fans of El Tri reading, your team REALLY sucks. Get it together or we won’t see you next summer. Rodriguez and Torrado look terrible.

THE LINE: Brazil +2 Goals

Editor’s retroactive notes:

RESULT: Brazil 2, Mexico 0. Neymar evidently doesn’t know how to get off to a slow start. For the second consecutive match he turned a broken play into a sensational goal inside of ten minutes. After Paulinho did a heroic job of keeping the ball in play in a battle along the right touchline, he flicked forward for Hulk, who in turn one-touched it to Dani Alves. Alves went screaming forward before whipping in a cross intended for Fred. Francisco Rodriguez attempted to volley away but could only head it as far back as the 18. Once again Neymar picked one out of the air. He let the clearance take its natural parabola before first-timing a torpedo that one wouldn’t have been surprised to see break through the net. Such poise. Such power. This kid will likely end up being the greatest of all time.

The Samba Kings produced an unrelenting offensive onslaught. David Luiz and Paulinho tested Mexican keeper Jesus Corona in the subsequent four minutes. Alves himself got in on the action with a floated effort that Corona was barely able to tip over. Rodriguez and Hector Moreno eventually regained their bearings after a quarter of an hour and closed space down at the back to calm matters.

Scolari’s men started strong after the second half kickoff. Thiago Silva headed in a set piece in the 47^th only to have the apparent goal disallowed for offside. Another barrage of shots followed although Hulk and Neymar could only watch their efforts go wide. Paulinho made an absolute mockery out of the Mexican defense in the 65^th. He ran nearly the entirely length of the pitch, dribbling past no fewer than five flailing tackles before finding the trailing Neymar on the left side of the 18. Neymar’s pulled a near post effort that Corona had to sprawl to save. Located in the exact same spot in the third minute of injury time, Neymar opted to fake the shot and cut back for Jo. The former Man City striker side footed in the second goal to complete a game in which El Tri produced absolutely nothing worth remembering.

Syndicate Member 5-M was also the one who hilariously labeled me a “journalist” during our first “Mega Mailbag” back in 2012.

From EM 2012—Quarterfinals

Reader: Your frequent misspelling of player names reflects irresponsible journalism.

Vicey: Yeah, the misspellings are a real deficiency. The problem is….I am actually an editor and this happens to be my hobby. I have neither the energy nor the will to comb through my own text looking for player misspellings, homonyms, misplaced conjunctions, or any of the other metal blind spots I spend most of my waking life correcting. Moreover…..wait a second…did you just say “journalism”? Journalism? JOURNALISM?!?! What the Woodward-and-Bernsteining fuck are you talking about. “Journalism”!! Christ, I don’t know what you’re huffing in your mom’s basement, but I sure would like some. “Journalism”. Hahahaha. “Journalism”

Hahahahaha. I love you and miss you, brother. For the record, I was actually the one who moved back into my Mom’s basement for a while and 5-M was just riffing tongue-in-cheek.

I really hope we have enough material for a “Mega Mailbag Segment” once we get to the Knockout. Keep those riffs coming in, brothers. I have the best ones saved in a special file.

Moving right along, what the lula-ing fuck happened to the Samba Kings last night? None of the ladies I spent the evening with seemed seriously concerned about it, but I AM! Fred looked terrible. The Ramirez start was a total bust. Where the hell was Oscar all night? Definitely exciting game to watch with diehard fans, but things didn’t really pick up until after the Jo substitution. Of course it wasn’t going to be easy with Hulk, but damn that just wasn’t good enough!

Scolari insists that there’s no cause for concern. He swallows the languid performance, washing it down with a tall glass of “double think”. The team continues to adjust to his system….or so he says. To be perfectly candid, I’m not sure they would have won the opening match against Croatia had it not been for that false penalty. Errrm….serious doubts about whether the Brazilians can claim that sixth Star now. They’ll surely pummel Cameroon in the Final Group Stage match and likely advance to the Quarterfinals, but they’ve got to do a better job of coming up with ideas.

Another great game from Neymar, who was outright robbed by Guilermo Ochoa on two occasions. Props to Bernard and Thiago Silva as well for solid shots on goal. For all that’s been made of Ochoa’s performance, most of the efforts were directed straight at him. I’ve gone through the highlights again and I don’t think he played that acrobatically. In terms of the rest of the Mexican eleven, another good match for Vasquez and dos Santos. Peralta appears down a tick. The use of Chicharito as a late-game sub continues to pay dividends, but runs the risk of being too obvious at this point.

It was a great pleasure to watch those Belgian Red Devils return to the World Cup with a dramatic late-game comeback victory. I’m especially happy for Marouane Fellaini after his lousy season at Old Trafford. Les Diables Rouge played an atrocious first-half. Yes, I wrote that in French. Apologies to the Flemish population. Lukaku showed me nothing. It came as no surprise when he was subbed out. Talisman Eden Hazard took 80 minutes to produce something memorable, but it was he who set up the game-winning goal.

Interesting lineup selection from trainer Marc Wilmots. In contrast to the 4-2-3-1 I projected, he moved De Bruyne inside to anchoring midfielder, left Fellaini on the bench, and started Spurs winger Nacer Chadli on the right. I suppose it was an experiment. Consider it finished. Fellaini and Mertens should start the next match, with De Bruyne moving back to the right flank.

The Russia-South Korea affair was eminently entertaining even if the first half was mostly a tactical stalemate. I should have followed my initial intuition and picked a draw. Ingashevich doesn’t look 34-years-of-age at all. Berezutski still has some spunk, believe it or not. I liked that distance strike from Fayzulin as well. It’s a typical Russian team with huge hulking centerbacks relied upon to bring balls out of the back. It came as quite the shock to me that Dzagoev didn’t start. Capello eventually came to his senses and subbed him in around the hour mark. He deserves the full credit for the goal. It was his blistering shot that Sung-Ryong couldn’t handle.

Things appear to be going according to plan in Group H…or they would be if my beloved Taeguk Warriors didn’t look so shitty. Heung Min-Son failed to impress, as did Chu Young-Park. The “Tigers of Asia” can count themselves lucky that Akinfeev let in that howler. At this point it looks as if the Ruskies might just sneak through after all.

Vicey gets it……DEAD WRONG?

Yeah…..it’s about time we officially retire this segment. There simply isn’t enough time. There are so many things more worthy of my attention (kids, girls, beers). If anyone’s interested in knowing how often I get it wrong….it’s damn often. Just like anyone else. We humans get shit dead wrong every…fucking…day.

Someone who got it right last night was my 63-year-old father. The man is far from finished. Your friendly bookie wasn’t the only one dancing the night away yesterday eve. Check out the Old Man doing the Tango!!

“Riffs of the Day”—Day Six

Reader: Hi! This is “Sports Guy” Bill Simmons! I love your soccer writing. Would you be interested in writing a few pieces for grantland.com?

Vicey:….again, 89-M? Every year it’s the same crank e-mail from you. You honestly think I’m dumb enough to fall for it three years in a row? Congratulations on getting your wife pregnant again. You’re in for absolute hell. Hell on earth. I still love you, brother, but your life is about to suck big time : )

Reader: Don’t compare yourself to Dennis Hopper in “Speed” when we all know you’re Christopher Walken in “The Prophecy”

Vicey: Beautiful. Beautiful. You gotta come work for me in heaven. Nobody tells you whens to go to bed. You eat all the ice cream you want. By the way, you know how you got that dent in your top lip? Way back before you were born, I told you a secret, then I put my finger there and said….SHHHHH.

DAY SEVEN--PREVIEW

Get out of the house, people! It’s going to be another magical summer’s eve!

Netherlands vs. Australia