Your “Syndicate Hangover” is proudly presented by
“Pißwasser Pils”
BITTE EIN PIß!!
Day 8: Recap
Record—
Spread: 6-17
Straight up: 10-9-4
Hot Girl
Standings
|
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
|
Netherlands
|
74
|
2
|
|
Brazil
|
70
|
2
|
|
Australia
|
52
|
2
|
|
Columbia
|
44
|
2
|
|
Japan
|
41
|
2
|
|
Mexico
|
35
|
2
|
|
Spain
|
31
|
2
|
|
Cote d’Ivoire
|
31
|
2
|
|
Argentina
|
29
|
1
|
|
Chile
|
28
|
2
|
|
Belgium
|
28
|
1
|
|
Germany
|
27
|
1
|
|
USA
|
27
|
1
|
|
Uruguay
|
24
|
2
|
|
England
|
24
|
2
|
|
Cameroon
|
23
|
2
|
|
Greece
|
22
|
2
|
|
Costa Rica
|
21
|
1
|
|
South Korea
|
21
|
1
|
|
Ecuador
|
20
|
1
|
|
Russia
|
20
|
1
|
|
France
|
19
|
1
|
|
Nigeria
|
18
|
1
|
|
Bosnia & H
|
17
|
1
|
|
Croatia
|
17
|
2
|
|
Ghana
|
12
|
1
|
|
Switzerland
|
12
|
1
|
|
Portugal
|
9
|
1
|
|
Italy
|
9
|
1
|
|
Honduras
|
8
|
1
|
|
Iran
|
4
|
1
|
|
Algeria
|
1
|
1
|
Godammit, Limeys! Again. Really? You fucked it all
up….AGAIN? How many times do we have to go through this? How many times do you
plan on breaking this bookie’s heart? He loves you with 120 percent of his soul
(got some extra “soul” on layaway) and DIS HOW YOU DO HIM?!?
From
EM 2012—Group D Preview 
Whew.
Let’s calm down a bit here, Vicey. As a devout Premiership fan, I care entirely
too much about seeing England succeed. I love the league so much I actually
nixed plans to move to England for university because I knew I would spend
entirely too much time going to football games and get nothing done. I worship
the English. Four of my five favorite authors are English (Douglas Adams,
Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Alain de Botton). I cannibalize “The
Economist”. I drink tea in the afternoons. I get up at 6 a.m. on Wednesday
mornings to watch Prime Minister’s questions. I read “The Guardian” even before
I read the Grey Lady. I missed the Super Bowl because there was a new episode
of “Downtown Abby” on for fuck’s sake. All of this doesn’t mean I even consider
rooting for England when they play Germany. When they played the States in
2010, my allegiances were similarly straightforward. I have to wince as this
snake-bitten country fucks up year after year after year after year…..
They
invented the game! They have the best league in the world. Even the
Championship is occasionally more entertaining than the Bundesliga. Why can
they never get it together? I read Simon Kuper and Stefan Szymanski’s
masterpiece “Why England Lose: And other Curious Football Phenomena” and I’m
still flummoxed. After Terry and Capello went down together, I had a terrible
hunch we were headed for another fiasco. There was hope as the FA flirted with
Harry Redknapp. Then they selected Hodgson. I haven’t been so infuriated at a
choice since Ratzinger was elected pope. Horrible choice. Way to foul the ball,
assholes.
I know
what will improve my mood. Let’s run down the classes of fans I’m looking
forward to hanging out with.
English
Fans
How
many ways can express my love for the English? They eat horrible food. They
drink terrible beer. Most of them are hideously ugly. I haven’t met one with
decent teeth yet. Their cockney accents are equivalent to Swiss German in terms
of the amount of blood oozing from my ears. I love them anyway. I’ll “fancy” a
“tumble” with a buck-toothed English girl any day of the week. I can’t explain
it exactly. Maybe it’s football. Maybe it’s the House of Commons. Maybe it’s
heavy drinking. Maybe it’s a self-deprecating sense of humor. Maybe it’s the
fact that they too come from a country where it rains all of the time. Maybe
it’s Shakespeare. Maybe it’s Emma Thompson. Maybe it’s Joss Stone. Maybe it’s
Adele getting me interested in chubby chicks again. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK
IT IS! I just like them and I love hanging out with them. I even liked the
“Fine Young Cannibals”. I’m hopeless. Someone please kill me now.
Bloody wankers. Daft cunts. I find myself wondering this
morning if the English actually have any interested in winning anymore. All of
the English celebrities support the lowly London Clubs like Millwall, West Ham,
and QPR. In fact, I’ve never even met a Londoner who supports Spurs, Arsenal,
or Chelsea. All their fans hail from the international contingent. We saw some
passionate play from Rooney and Sturridge down the stretch, but Barkley,
Lallana, and Lambert looked like they were merely angling for they’re very own
chapters in one of your bookie’s favorite book.
Yep. There’s the book. We’ve put up the graphic just as I
had a terrible inclination we would be forced to. Though not mathematically
eliminated, the Three Lions could be sent packing should Italy and Costa Rica
draw today’s opening match. That seems unlikely, so hope still dangled by the
tiniest of threads for the time being. Should the Wops attain a result against
the Ticos, the Limeys will need to win their final group stage match against
Costa Rica and the Italians will need to beat Uruguay. It all sounds very
plausible…until one remembers that it’s the Three Lions were talking about here
; ( ; (
Your bookie finds himself in full “Sauerkraut Mode” after
two of his picks lost tight matches yesterday despite late surges. “Les
Elephants” join the Limeys in the central square of “Hard-Luck-Loserville”. All
the hopping, cheering, chanting, and singling in the world couldn’t influence
the final result. Fuck it….I’m having another cigarette.
Tight first hour at the Estadio de National as the play
mimicked (as it so often does) Cote d’Ivoire’s infamous “Statue Dude”.
Gutierrez got his feet tangled in the 27th and Wilfred Bony just
couldn’t find the touch in the 55th. That’s about it. Everyone
(especially this one) was ecstatic to see Drogba come in at the hour mark.
Would we see a repeat of his “instant influence” like we did in the Japan
match? Exactly the opposite. Within three minutes James Rodriguez headed in an
opener with Drogba marking…very poorly I might add. Quintero doubled the
advantage six minutes later and I was fairly certain we were sunk.
Just when I thought we were out, Gervinho pulled me back in.
He sliced and diced his way through three defenders to pull one back in the 73rd.
I absolutely loved the way he declined to celebrate and quickly waved his
colleagues back to the halfway line. Top class football there. Plenty of
possession for Lamouchi’s lads in the final 17+ minutes. Kudos to Drogba,
Mathis Bolly, Chieck Tiote, and Soloman Kalou for ALL getting late efforts on
goal. Sadly, they were ALL relatively tame efforts sent directly at the keeper.
Dammit.
Well that sucked. Surely my Lions could help me recover some
of my purse. I already had my head in my hands, however, as Suarez emerged from
the tunnel looking fit enough to start. It didn’t seem to mater as Hodgson’s
men enjoyed the Lion’s share (yeah..why not?) of first half chances. Oh Christ.
Rooney off the underside of the bar at the half-hour mark. How did that not go
in? Eight minutes later came the Suarez goal. Böse teufel. Edinson Cavani
certainly deserves a lot of the credit for that lovely flighted chip, but
Suarez’s poise and patience in allowing it to float over his shoulders….good
lord. He IS the best player out of the Premiership. Until Yaya Toure shows me
something….anything…I retract my earlier statement.
It looked like this bizarre nation of less than three
million were about to steal another one. Then Rooney finally got his first
World Cup Goal. Ten minutes or so after wasting another fine chance in space,
he connected with Glen Johnson for a cool finish. Still, there’s always
something cooler than being cool. That’s “ice-cold”. Alright. Alright. Alright.
It was Suarez with the “ice cold finish” five minutes from time. Then he
conveniently got injured. Fuck. This lout got into and out of the tournament
just in time to induce more English Heartbreak.
We might as well engage in a bit of port mortem, considering
your friendly bookie loves his Lions so. Well..it looks like “Raheem Sterling
Fever” has been broken. He earns a “D” from me for 64 minutes of pure
inactivity. Why haven’t we seen Alex Oxlade-Chamberlin yet? Beats me. Might as
well start him. Steven Gerrard’s late-season form issues are spilling over into
this tournament. Yank him early for Wilshere or Milner if he starts laboring. I
was excited as hell to see Rickie Lambert come on…but in the 87th?
Stand up, Roy! It’s your responsibility to interject pace into your eleven.
Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE match from Phil Jagielka, who
performed so well against Italy. We can’t replace him with Jones can we? Yeah,
I guess not. This is more or less or eleven, for better or worse. Hodgson can
tell Oxlade-Chamberlin to get on his boots and maybe start Lambert in place of
Welbeck, but otherwise we’re stuck on a sinking ship. The Good Ship England
sails into the sunset. Everyone dust off their H.M.S. Pinafore Songbooks. ; ( ;
(
If I seem to be in a particularly terse mood this morning,
I’m also right-fucking pissed that I stayed up until 2 a.m. to watch that Japan
vs. Greece travesty. What a goddamned snoozefest that was. My notebook’s
emptier than my stomach. Other than two deplorable misses from Yuya Osako, a
pair of world-class fuck ups from Atsuto Uchida and Yushito Okubo, and the
deserved ejection of Kostas Katsouranis, I really don’t have much to tell you.
The Blue Samurai looked the better side. Bet on them to advance should Cote
d’Ivoire falter.
“Riffs
of the Day”—Day Eight
Reader:
Just so that we’re clear, is the World Cup going on right now?
Vicey:
Ah…sarcasm. A Sardonic tone is always welcome here at S.S.S. It’ll get you into
the riff section quicker than a young Palin gets pregnant.
Reader:
Not the most lucrative day for you. This tournament is parabolic.
Vicey:
True enough. Thanks for checking in anyway, 17-M. Looks like you’ve been using
those GRE Notes I sent you. I…er… “panegyrize”…your… “ebullient” … “alacrity”.
Well done.
(Female)
Reader: Wait I’m confused. One day you tell women not to interrupt you. Two
days later you encourage them.
Vicey:
Hey ho. We FINALLY got a quality riff from a female. I love these. For
starters, I usually don’t have to correct spelling, rectify grammar, or choose
a word that makes more sense. Female feedback is nowhere near the level it was
two years ago. Your friendly bookie remains concerned he’ll have to antagonize
some girls into producing hate riffs like he did last time.
Okay.
I’ll explain. In the Day Four Recap (riffing on Shakira songs for no good
reason other than I was tired) I explained that most men like to be left alone.
In the Day Six recap, I recounted the magical pickup line that ALL women should
utilize:
“Hey
there handsome. Why not put down the notebook and come dance with me?”
Here’s
the difference. It’s perfectly permissible to interrupt a guy for purposes of
seduction. That’s Mana from Heaven! In contrast, if you want to tell him how
you and Sondra aren’t getting along anymore…let him finish what he’s doing.
It’s consistent.
Reader:
How about a Hunter S. Thompson comparison?
Vicey:
Nah. I’m flattered and everything, but I shouldn’t be compared to the good
doctor. Besides that I like the name “Shadow Scholar Syndicate”. I don’t feel
like re-branding it “A Tragic Journey into the Heart of the Kingdom of Football
Foreboding” or something of that nature. I will, however, definitely accept a
comparison to “Uncle Duke” from “Doonesbury” if you’re offering.
DAY
NINE--PREVIEW
Big Day for European fans. It’s one of those nights where
you can feel it in there. Your friendly bookie encourages you to get out.
Italy vs. Costa Rica
vs. 
Don’t let “Los Ticos” fool you. “Pura Vida” isn’t enough to
overcome the Dastardly Dagos. They’re too strong
THE
LINE: Italy +1 Goal (rolling down from +2)
France vs. Switzerland
vs. 
Plenty of history here. We might just make a little history
while we’re at it.
THE
LINE: France +2 Goals (rolling up from +1)
Honduras vs. Ecuador
vs. 
A decent nightcap. Should be better than last night’s,
though that won’t be hard. La Tri are a far more talented team than most know.
This bookie bets on the big win.
THE
LINE: Ecuador +3 Goals (holding)
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
