(Germany, Portugal, the Netherlands, Denmark)
Gulp. In ten years of keeping a football book, I’ve not yet confronted the feverish agitation that comes with having one’s country placed in the “Group of Death”. A simple ephemeral thought regarding the talent my fatherland must face is enough to induce some irreversible neurasthenia. Fuck me! Christiano Ronaldo, Robin van Persie, Rafael van der Vaart, Helger Postiga, Klaus Jan-Huntelaar, Nani, Wesley Sneijder, Raul Meireles, Dirk Kuyt…..I must stop feeding neural network more material for night terrors. One cannot even count on the Danes for an easy victory. Morten Olsen has put together the best Danish side in twenty years!
Editor’s retroactive notes:
And
they didn't’ disappoint! Not one bit. Well…okay the Dutch disappointed. The
so-called “Brilliant Orange” ended up blowing harder than Christian Rock.
Logic dictates that whatever two teams emerge from this
bracket should have a clear enough path to the final, where we’ll likely see a fiercely
contested rematch. Will it be 2010 world-cup runners up, The Brilliant Orange?
What about my Fatherland, 2008 European Champion runners up? Will the
Navigators avenge their humiliating defeat to Greece on home soil in the Euro
2004 final? “Olsen’s Eleven” may yet stand by while these juggernauts destroy
one another and sneak through to the quarterfinals on draws and one upset. No
love lost between Germany and Portugal. We’ve beaten them in two consecutive
World Cup Third Place Matches in addition to eliminating them in the
Quarterfinal Round of Euro 2008. That’s three straight tournaments. Surely
they’ll have our number now? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Perhaps the most salient question
emerging from “Group Clusterfuck” would read, “Vicey, why are you writing this
up when it’s too early in the day to start drinking?”
I’ll do my level best to soldier on through. A thorough
examination of these squads may force me to go grab a Hoepfner from the bar
adjacent to the library, the one I’ve since lovingly dubbed “Peer Review”. In
any event, looks as if I might be closing down a bar in the Baden this evening.
Not as easy a task as you might think. True, there are some blue laws here in the
south, but a drunken German barkeep typically refers to them as “suggestions”.
That is, if he/she hasn’t already paid the city the paltry 50 Euros or whatever
for a 24-hour license. Nice little revenue stream for the municipal government.
Too bad it makes too much sense to be adopted in the States. Wasn’t I meant to
be talking about something else? Oh right. Sorry. I’ve all night to choose a bar. Back to football…
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Good
times, Good times. Mensch do I ever miss “Peer Review”. I surely closed down
that bar more times than all the Minnesang Professors combined. Vicey want to
go home….a place never adequately defined within my own psyche. Where is home?
No idea. The best my frazzled perspicacity can manage vague vision of books and
beer. Hmmm…anyone interested in founding a bar named “Peer Review”?
The Netherlands
Clockwork Orange returns in grandiose fashion after nine wins in ten qualifying matches. This team has it all: Speed, impeccable lateral ability, and unstoppable short game. They can attack you from every angle, whether it’s Robben tearing up the flanks to unleash one of his pinpoint switches or van Persie, Kuyt, and Sneijder working a give-and-go up the central pitch with an elegant flair that would drive a Ballerina to suicide. They’ve lost nothing since their Sherman’s march to the Final in 2010. In fact, if anything they’ve improved significantly. Klaus Jan Huntelaar’s game has improved by leaps and bounds. Footballer of the Year Robin van Persie is in the best form of his career. Sneijder and van Bommel are lighting up Serie A for their respective Milan clubs. There’s not a kink in the chain as proven by their gorgeous, almost flawless pace on the pitch. If you’re looking for a favorite to capture Europe, look no further.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
“Impeccable
lateral ability”! Damn shame this team couldn’t play as well as I write! What?
I’m not allowed to compliment myself? Most everyone else occasionally takes a
moment to boast about their suspect skills! I’m truly not allowed to? Oh that’s
right. I forgot myself for a moment. If anyone needs me, I’ll be starring into
the bathroom mirror, calling myself a “worthless piece of shit failure” whilst
flagellating myself with a bike chain.
After taking the reigns from Marco van Basten in July 2008,
former Feyenoord coach Bert van Marwijk has ridden this beast of a squad to a
dreamlike 31-5-10 overall record. Only two of the five losses have come in
non-friendly matches. His first defeat as manager came in the 2010 Final, which
the Flying Dutchmen lost 0-1 to La Roja. Had his son in law, new captain Mark
van Bommel, not been injured, we might be hailing the Orange Crush as world
champions today. Van Bommel admirably played through obvious pain in both 2006
and 2008. His grit and determination made him the natural choice to succeed the
legendary captain Giovanni van Bronckhorst when he turned in his cleats. Van
Bommel had once served as the first non-German captain of Bayern München,
leading them back to the top in 2010. Though he’s getting on in years and
lagging in goal production, his deft touch and amazing sightlines haven’t
diminished much. He’s solidified his credentials in the clutch with three
crucial Italian Supercoppa goals for AC Milan this season.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
What
the hell happened? Bert can Marwijk ponders that very question every evening as
he solemnly cries himself to sleep. In the eleven months since he resigned in
disgrace, we’ve not heard so much as a peep out of him. In all likelihood, this
has something to do with the fact that his wife can’t coax him off the couch.
Mark van Bommel needs to pay him “Rambo in the Village” style visit.
On the other side of town, Inter’s Wesley Sneijder had
another solid year that featured four league and two cup goals. Over at White
Hart Lane, Rafael van der Vaart scored eleven in the league and one in the cup.
Nigel de Jong came through at the moments when new Premiership champions Man
City Needed him. Dirk Kuyt continued to establish himself as Liverpool’s go-to,
celebrating a well-timed 50th at Merseyside this season. Defensive
general Johnny Heitinga also happens to be textbook clutch, coming through for
Everton in the FA Cup in the midst of another brilliant year. After watching
Arjen Robben spectacularly blow it for FC Bayern in the Champions League final,
one wouldn’t dare label him “clutch”. You can call most anything else, though.
He scored 19 for Bayern this season and set up at least four times that many.
Robben enters his prime. Don’t let that baldhead fool you. He’s only 28-years-old!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
In
ascertaining the implosion of this exceedingly gifted squad, Robben’s belly
flop lies at the center. He simply never recovered from his miserable match in
the Champion’s League Final. As physically adroit as footballers may be, their
confidence can often be as fragile as a bi-polar girlfriend during Finals Week.
Yikes. NOT good times. Anyway, Robben has finally regained his form and
confidence after a spectacular year at the Allianz. What a shame he won't have
an opportunity to parlay it for his country.
Of course no had an outrageously prodigious year as Robben
van Persie: 47 goals, at least as many direct assists, and the undisputed
choice for the best footballer on the planet. Van Persie, Robben, and Kuyt
still only comprise less than half of the attacking options. Schalke 04’s Klaus
Jan-Huntelaar put in 29 for the Bundesliga Golden Boot. Young phenom Luke de
Jong tallied 25 times for FC Twente. Somehow not satisfied with a striking corps
with a combined 120 goals this season, Van Marwijk elected to call two
promising youngsters up: Heerenveen’s Luciano Narsigh and Barca’s Ibraihim
Afellay. Presumably the next generation of Dutch super strikers will rarely see
the pitch. It still boggles the mind how absurdly deep the Oranje are at this
position.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
This
bookie maintains that van Persie is still the best. His flair exceeds Messi’s.
Christ, did he turn in another SICK year.
As if an ebullient, tenacious, and genuinely unstoppable
attack weren’t enough, Joris Mathijsen, Wilfred Bouma, and Stuttgart’s Khalid
Bouhlarouz join Heitinga to form a stingy back line with a combined 222 cap’s
worth of experience. Should any of them falter, Ajax’s Gregory van der Wiel can
step in to play most any position. Who the fuck is Andre Ooijer? Fair question.
A retired staple of the Dutch defense whom they will evidently not even miss.
Young upstart alert! Eighteen-year-old fullback Jetro Willens may be the next
big thing. Martin Stekenburg returns at keeper, fresh of a ten clean-sheet
season with Roma. Oh Christ. I honestly don’t see how we get past these guys.
In lieu of a drink, won’t someone please hold me? I’m feeling dizzy.
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2012”
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Heheh.
You’ve honestly no clue how much fun this was!
Yes, I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess
whether or not I think another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking
them as I do hot girls or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I
would like to extend the offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one
of the two flaming ones. If you feel like undertaking such a task, your
contribution will be valued at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and
join the fun. It’s just another thing you can do to distract yourself from your
inescapable exit from this world of color and consciousness to an eternity of
dark nothingness. It’ll be a real mood brightener.
On my end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a
man-to-man confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Holland
Arjen Robben
In a semi-intentional affront to my original point, our
first candidate has no hair. I’ve no desire to chastise him for this, nor would
I recommend the patented “Wayne Rooney Hair Plug System”. Hair is not his
problem. Robben deserves to be blacklisted for his inexplicable miss from the
spot in the Champion’s League Final. My night was ruined. There we were ready
to celebrate the first German Champion’s League Crown in eleven years and he
blew it! Of course Schweine missed as well, but he’s also on the list.
Maarten Stekelenburg
Nice spikes, doofus. Always nice to behold a dolt who combs
for the “Red Sea” part:
Stijn Schaars
Congratulations, Herr Schaars! Through excessive use of moose, you’ve successfully transformed yourself into a garden gnome:
Kevin Strootman
Oh how thoughtful of him. He’s “waving” at us. Presumably he
was vain enough to give his pubes a matching style.
Khalid Boulahrouz
To be fair, I can’t exactly tell whether he got his tips
frosted or those are just grey hairs. You make the call.
http://www.animaatjes.de/fubball-bilder/khalid-boulahrouz/detail/animaatjes-khalid-boulahrouz-26534/
Projecting the Dutch Lineup (4-3-3)
Robin Van Persie
|
Klaas Jan Huntelaar Dirk Kuyt
|
Rafael
van der Vaart
|
Mark van Bommel Wesley Sneijder
|
Wilfred Bouma Johnny Heitinga
Joris Mathijsen
Khalid Boulahrouz
|
Denmark
The Germans have done a vastly superior job of coming up with a name for a group like this. To them, the “Group of Death” is known as “Die Hammer-Gruppe”. Origins of this designation trace back to the German exclamation “Hammer!” Its uses are quite diverse. Most commonly, you would loudly bellow “Hammer!” to express your approval of the music selection/general atmosphere/slut ratio in a club or convey to your friend how great the party was/what a tiger she was in the sack/the speed at which the drugs kicked in/how much you enjoyed bungee jumping naked, etc. It also happens to be the perfect reaction to some colossally improbable misfortune that has befallen you. For instance, if the tow truck hauling away your ride happened to snap a line at the end of an uphill tug and you witnessed your car violently flipping over no fewer that five times, taking out your mailbox, two children, grandmother, and cat before pinning down your wife at the bottom of the hill and bursting into flames a mere 2.3 seconds after you thanked cruel fate for leaving you at least one person to commiserate with….you might find yourself shrieking “Hammer!”…in spite of the fact that there’s nothing cool about the situation.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Ermmm…..it
proves doubtful that anyone who has ever found it discouraging to deal with me
in highly stressful intimate situations will find themselves reading this. This
in itself constitutes a rather salient missed opportunity for an insightful
look into the machinery contained within my skull. Above, I’ve essentially
given you a micro-level blueprint of how my mind works. There it is. It’s there
for all to see. It’s Vicey live, in concert, and unplugged. Apologies to all
I’ve chased off over the years. THAT is how my mind ACTUALLY works ; )
I imagine this is how Morten Olsen felt when the Hammer of
Destiny swung down on hard on him and his “Danish Dynamite”. And all of it
after a splendid qualifying campaign that saw them best Portugal for the top
spot in their group. In all actuality, their placement does not constitute a
death sentence by any stretch of the imagination. Envisioning the best Danish
side since 1982 (when they won it all) playing spoiler in this bracket becomes
easily the more one considers their key weapons.
Old slowpokes Jasper Gronkar and Jahn Dahl Thomason have
retired, making room for a younger and quicker and more dynamic flow. Led by
young Ajax phenom Christian Eriksen, the Danes now have a peppy presence in the
midfield that excels in getting balls forward to a more mature and better
all-around Niklaus Bendtner. The Arsenal striker now finds himself unchallenged
for the center forward position. Dahl Thomason have retired. Larsen and
Jorgenson have been dropped after a form dip. Dennis Rommedahl, at thirty-three
years of age, fulfills only a late-substitution role. Nucleus Pedersen and Tobias
Michelson are promising forwards, but only have nine caps between them. Michael
Kroch-Deli has been selected as a contingency plan. It’s Benter or bust, not
entirely a bad position for the pesky peninsulars to be in. His eight goals on
loan for Sunderland this season don’t accurately reflect how much he’s improved
as a tackler and loose ball hustler. His confidence from distance has also
improved greatly.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Damned
if they ALL didn’t hold their own. Well done, Danish Dynamite!
The sensational Eriksen hogs most of the attention at
midfield. His amazing gift for the game became apparent to European talent
scouts when he was 15. He was spoken about in hushed tones; the sure savior of
Danish football after some years on the developmental level. A Messi-like
scramble ensued with Ajax finally plucking him from his Youth Academy for
untold millions. He finally broke through for the first team last year. Now
twenty years of age, he’s blossomed over the course of two full seasons as a
starting offensive midfielder. He’s joined in the mid-pitch ranks by
Stuttgart’s very talented William Kvist, the trans-European star Christian
Poulsen, Wolfsburg’s Thomas Kahlenburg, and the highly reliable duo of Jakob
Poulsen and Michael Silberbauer.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Eriksen
continues to blossom for Ajax. Look for him in the Premiership next season.
The offensive connotations of the alliterative “Danish
Dynamite” moniker notwithstanding, the real strength of this squad lies with
the back four. Liverpool’s Daniel Agger finally showed us he’s ready for prime
time. Should he re-aggravate his injury, Andres Bjelland has proven he can step
in. Agger directs a first rate defensive corps that also features AZ’s Simon
Poulsen (the unfortunate own goal scorer from 2010), Copenhagen’s Lars Jakobsen, and Roma’s Simon Kjaer. I wrote
an entire paragraph concerning keeper and captain Thomas Sorenson…..but wait a
minute….what’s this? BREAKING NEWS.
Allow me to explain. I sit typing this up on May 29th,
otherwise known as “Final Selection Day”. All across Europe, sixteen separate
national head trainers have scheduled press conferences to announce the
selection of their final 23-man-squad. Okay….not exactly sixteen. Polish coach
Franciszek Smuda already announced his on Sunday the 27th. Greek
Head coach Fernando Santos gave us a 25-man-provisional squad on May 17th,
with the two players to be cut fairly obvious. Dick Advocaat (Schawanz
Befürworter), Russian head coach, got it all out of the way on Friday the 25th.
Czech boss Michal Bilek had us all up to speed on the 14th. This
fortuitous combination of early announcements enabled me to complete the Group
A Preview on Sunday.
Today we have a classic example of actual updated news
rendering a portion of my analysis moot. No need for sympathy as the Shadow
Scholar has certainly seen worse. I once wrote a twenty-page paper on a unique
coalition government in the German state of Hessen. The thesis was based on a
tentative agreement reached between three parties and the analytical thrust
examined all other alternative PR constellations to make the case that the new
tri-partide government would serve as the de-facto arrangement in German state-
level politics for years to come. Pushing a deadline, I stayed away from the
Internet all day in order to complete the exercise. Five minutes after
submitting, I pulled up Spiegel Online to learn that the agreement had
collapsed, the results of the election declared null/void, and new elections
ordered. Everything that I had written was useless, including and especially my
argument. Oops. It was the academic equivalent of the Battle of New Orleans in
1815. Hmm....Perhaps it wasn’t quite as bad as incurring over two hundred
casualties AFTER a truce had been signed…but it hit me pretty hard.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
He’s a
metaphysical aphorism for you:
At
least ninety-eight percent of life consists of working entirely too hard on
something that turns out not to matter at ; ) ; )
Anyway, let’s get to the BREAKING NEWS that you’ve long
since assumed I’ve forgotten about before something else happens to shit on my
analysis. Talismanic keeper and captain Thomas Sorenson has been RULED OUT of
Euro 2012. According to the German football magazine “Kicker” a back injury has
forced him to withdraw. Daniel Agger has been named the new captain, Anders
Lindegaard the new keeper, and Leicester City’s Kasper Schmeichel will fill the
roster spot. All of this matters…somewhat. Lindegaard does the third string
keeping for Man U. Despite his lack of experience, he should be up to the task.
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2012”
Yes, I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess
whether or not I think another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking
them as I do hot girls or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I
would like to extend the offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one
of the two flaming ones. If you feel like undertaking such a task, your
contribution will be valued at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and
join the fun. It’s just another thing you can do to distract yourself from your
inescapable exit from this world of color and consciousness to an eternity of
dark nothingness. It’ll be a real mood brightener.
On my end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a
man-to-man confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair of
testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off with
the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most of
you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Denmark
Daniel Agger
This look might be forgiven were it unintentional. I find
girls with frazzled bed hair attractive and I’ll call it reasonable to assume
that women find waking up next to man frayed hair similarly sexy. It all comes
down to the context. Seeing someone first thing in the morning generally means
you fucked one another’s eyeballs out the night before (though you may not
remember it). I have to book captain Agger for doing this to his hair
intentionally. Yellow Card. Flag on the play!
Lars Jacobsen
To all my homeys with a receding hairline: making it stick
up only draws more attention to it.
William Kvist
Going for the “Sonic the Hedgehog” look is never a good
idea. There can be only one “Hedgehog”. His name is Ron Jeremy. Trust me. You
don’t want to be compared to him.
Niklas Bendtner
Very well, “Bride of Frankenstein”. Only a convertible
should cause a man’s hair to stick straight up. Of course that’s just my
opinion. Doubtful he drove a Cabriole up and down the pitch.
Lasse Schöne
His last name, schöne, means “pretty one” in German. No easy
way of saying this, pretty boy: You’re an imbecilic moron.
Michael Silberbauer
As if attempting to mimic a porcupine isn’t incredibly thickheaded
enough—here’s a bleached-blond porcupine:
Projecting the Danish Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Niklas Bendtner
|
Christian Eriksen Lasse Schöne
|
Mikkel
Beckmann
|
Christian Poulsen William Kvist
|
Simon Poulsen Daniel Agger Simon Kjaer Lars Jacobsen
|
Deutschland
Now appears an apt a time as any to inform you that your friendly bookie will be traveling to whichever country appears likely to capture the trophy in order to film the extravagant celebrations firsthand. Should Spain square off against Sweden, I’ll be at the Nu Camp, together with 90,000 culés, preparing to let loose the loudest “olé” in the history of mankind. If it’s England vs. the Czechs, I’ll be at either White Hart Lane or Craven Cottage, drinking heavily whilst we sing “God Save the Queen.” I’ll bring my Orange Tee to Rotterdam, schlep my maroon hat over to Lisbon, paint my face blue in Stockholm……whatever it takes. You may still venture an educated guess as to where I’d like to be. Right there in the shadow of my beloved “Elsa”. For the uninitiated, that would be the “Siegessäule” or the “Victory Monument.” Berliners such as myself call her “Die goldene Elsa”, a fitting name for a “Putzfrau”. Live in Berlin just once and you’ll be a sardonic, neurotic pseudo-intellectual with opinions on everything under the sun for the rest of your life. For over a year I made my home in Charlottenburg, less than four miles from Elsa’s warm embrace. A Berliner until the very end…however soon it comes.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Damn
you Wops! Filthy, greasy, Dagos! This vision of an unforgettable evening in the
Tiergarten came so close to fruition! Aw well. I merely had to settle for
getting drunk and dancing with some crazy Spanish girls. One could do a LOT
worse in all honesty.
It’s my great pleasure to fill you in on all things Mannschaft.
For starters, the most recognizable name in German football for the past decade
no longer joins us. Approximately sixteen months ago Joachim Löw arrived at the
decision that Michael Ballack no longer possessed the talent to compete on the
grand stage. T’was a bittersweet day when we said farewell to our midfield
general. He failed to score in 2006, came within a Torres goal in 2008, and had
to sit out 2010 after Kevin Prince Boateng studded him. A player of his
inherent ability certainly deserved to lead the Mannschaft to the ultimate
glory. Alas, it wasn’t to be. Others familiar names from 2010 have been
squeezed out. Piotr Trochowski never quite found his footing in Sevilla. Gone.
Marko Marin secured a move to Chelsea and we might yet see him in 2014. For the
time being his performance at Werder Bremen wasn’t nearly good enough.
Leverkusen’s Stefan Kießling was a last minute drop alongside Stuttgart’s
Cacau. Goodbye Marcell Jansen, Dennis Aogo, Hans-Jörg Butt, Serdar Tasci,
Christoph Metzelder and Arne Friedrich. Gut gemacht Jungs. Nicht ausreichend.
Some surprising last minute moves to report as well. No Traxler, No Sven
Bender, and no Marc Andre-Ter Stegen. I suppose Cacau qualifies as a May 29th
shocker as well. Absolutely expected him to make the final squad. Now we only
have two natural strikers.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
After seeing
(or to be precise) NOT seeing Cacau play for Stuttgart this season, I
understand.
Was bleibt? Starting at the back, we herald the return of
permanent captain Phillip Lahm, who has raised his game to become the best left
back in the world by a country mile. Holger Badstuber, Jerome Boateng, and Per
Mertesacker comprise the other veterans who will presumptively stand by his
side. Three hungry youngsters may also be plugged in: The Dortmund duo of
Marcel Schmelzer and Matt Hummels accompany the Schalke phenomenon Benedict
Höwedes. The Real Madrid partnership of Mesut Özil and Sami Khedira looks to be
preserved. Schweinsteiger has had a nightmare of a year. Even if he has fully
recovered from his injury, he may be unable to play the unfamiliar wingback
position that the Mannschaft demands. Löw has options in the surging youngsters
Toni Kroos and Mario Götze. We’ve big plans for the latter. At the tender age
of nineteen, he possesses lightning fast speed and a magician’s touch. He may
very well supercede the relatively banal title of “the next Ballack”. Some
sources insist we behold “The next Matthäus”.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Hummels
officially sqeezed out Mertesacker for a starting fullback position in the
tournament. Höwedes, Schmelzer, and Götze all had serviceable tournaments.
Kroos blew it big time. Schweine did surprisingly well. Özil and Khedira were
mediocre. Boateng played his heart out..and got laid as well.
As is customary, the Krauts are stacked deep in midfield. A
surfeit of surging players claw and scrape to make their mark. Thomas Müller
clipped in another 11 goals for Bayern this season. Lars Bender did his best to
fire up a languid Leverkusen side with 5. Marco Reus guided 21 toward the back
of the net for Gladbach. Ilkay Gündogan and Andre Schürrle are obscenely
talented offensive midfielders chomping at the bit. This brings us to the striker
position; the only genuine worry I have. Such a sensitive subject merits its
own paragraph.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Awesome
debuts for Lars Bender and Marco Reus. An above average tournament for Thomas
Müller. Never got to see much of Gündogan.
After being relegated to the bench in 2008 and 2010, Mario
Gomez has earned his term….in much the same way that Mitt Romney has earned the
Republican Presidential nomination. Gomez scored 41 goals for Bayern this
season and is now worth an estimated 42 million Euros. Nevertheless, I must
insist that he not start for the Mannschaft. Why? To begin with, Ribbery fed
him more than half of those goals. He’s nothing without the Frog. Furthermore,
Gomez has consistently demonstrated that he cannot acclimate himself to the
rhythm of my Mannschaft. He’s a hulking man who patrols for crosses. Our lack
of wingers precludes such a strategy. Gomez is not merely the next Kevin Kuranyi.
He’s far worse; a towering Peter Crouch absent any flank feeds. Placing him
alongside Klose would be nothing short of a disaster. Poldi and Schweine will
not be able to accommodate him. That’s to say nothing of Klose himself or
forward sparkplugs like Lahm, Khedira, Özil, and Müller.
Miroslav Klose defies us all. Rumors of his death have been
greatly exaggerated. He’s scored 16 goals for Lazio Rome this season. If 2008
and 2010 certified anything; it is the credo that the Klose-Podolski partnership
should not be tinkered with. The pair has scored a combined 106 goals for the
Fatherland. Leave well enough alone. If Klose absolutely needs a partner to
complement his decaying form, give him Müller or Poldi. Both can still play
striker. Thank you. That is all.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Löw
ended up partially taking this advice, and the benching of a red hot Super
Mario proved to be the WRONG move. Oops. Gomez couldn’t regain his streak after
Klose was given a swan song start in the quarterfinals. As of this writing, it
looks as if Gomez may be the next Kuranyi after all….through no fault of his
own. It was us. We, the entire fatherland, failed him. We broke his rhythm out
of nostalgia for Miroslav. Time for all Germans to bow our heads once more and
admit that…well….we simply should
have done things differently. ; (
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2012”
Yes, I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess
whether or not I think another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking
them as I do hot girls or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I
would like to extend the offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one
of the two flaming ones. If you feel like undertaking such a task, your
contribution will be valued at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and
join the fun. It’s just another thing you can do to distract yourself from your
inescapable exit from this world of color and consciousness to an eternity of
dark nothingness. It’ll be a real mood brightener.
On my end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a
man-to-man confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Germany
Jerome Boateng
If we could spend a bit of time ensuring that you don’t have
a turd sitting on your head. By the way, I couldn’t locate a photo of his
current hairdo, which is far more obnoxious:
<http://www.ran.de/de/fussball/bundesliga/1105/News/fc-bayern-angeblich-einigung-mit-boateng.html>
Ilkay Gündogan
No, no, no, no, no. A thousand times….NO! I’ll say it
another thousand times if I must. Unless you drove a convertible to practice,
there remains no excuse for this:
Sami Khedira
Sami doesn’t belong on this list. I simply had to find an
excuse to show you this photo:
From the “German GQ”. Viel Spaß! This picture got his
Tunisian citizenship revoked. Arab Spring my ass!
Bastian Schweinsteiger
Schweine is an ugly motherfucker to begin with. Do we really
need bleached-blond hair and a vat of super-glue to make him even uglier?
Lukas Podolski
Poldi, why are you dying your hair? You’re not even German!
Toni Kroos
Appreciate how you somehow managed to cover every nanometer.
That must have taken at least fifty comb-throughs.
Marco Reus
Yeah…sorry to break this to you, but I’m afraid punk is dead
after all.
Mario Gomez
You make 42 million Euros a year…..and you look like a
fucking baboon. Sorry you won’t be starting Super Mario. That highlighted bouffant
happens to be the least of the reasons. I know you’re half Spanish, but you
might as well be half Barry Manilow.
Projecting
the German Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Miroslav Klose
|
Lukas Podolski
Marco
Reus
|
Thomas Müller
|
Sami Khedira
Mesut Özil
|
Phillip Lahm Per Mertesacker J. Boateng Holger Badstuber
|
Portugal
Hail, hail. The Navigators are here! Give a little bit of heart and soul for Christiano Ronaldo. He knocked in sixty goals for Real this season. That’s right. Sixty. 60. Sixty motherfucking goals! This isn’t a one-man show either. They’ve also got Nani, Pepe, Hugo Alemeida, Bruno Alves, Raul Meireles, Helger Postiga, and…..fuck….now it’s really time for a drink. Luis Figo no longer plays for the purple. He still knows that they have everything it takes to capture all of the glory. Another scary team. Scarier looking than that Swedish bitch that won the Eurovision song contest. It's been a tale of near misses for the Navigators thus far:
1984- Semifinals
1996- Quarterfinals
2000- Semifinals
2004- Finals
2006- Semifinals
2008- Quarterfinals
2010- Semifinals
This could well be the year that it all comes together for
them. How ludicrous it is that they’ve never won anything meaningful? As
ludicrous as a three striker set that includes Ronaldo, Almeida, and Postiga.
As ludicrous as a midfield in which Meireles, Nani, Hugo Viana, and Quaresema
weren’t quite enough. The new cat to keep both eyes on is Miguel Veloso. After
years of summarily falling short of his potential, he put together one helluva
intriguing year together for Genoa. Though he scored no goals, the man appears
brimming with ideas. Joao Moutinho scored only three for Porto. He still seems
more comfortable than anytime in his career. Contreao and Pepe, two Madrid
players, anchor the defense. Ricardo Costa is the Valencia outlier…which
doesn’t make him any less dreadfully formidable.
Truth be told, the Portuguese may suffer from the
inexperience of their manager Paulo Bento. After the Scolari era came to a
close, Quieroz led the team in 2010. He was sensationally dismissed early in
the qualifying stages. Though his replacement was once a fine player in his own
right, he seems to lack the selective perception of a more experienced
manager….or at least that’s what I tell myself to conceptualize a German
Quarterfinals appearance.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Damn
did the Navigators ever come within a cuticle of reaching the finals, where
they would have obliterated the shaky Wops without the slightest hint of
difficulty. Apologies if any La Roja fans take umbrage at this: Your team
absolutely did not deserve that shameful quarterfinals victory. Lucky
bastardos!.
Vicey Presents……… “The All-Ugly Team 2012”
Yes, I’m secure enough in my sexuality to comfortably assess
whether or not I think another man is handsome. No, I do not feel like ranking
them as I do hot girls or Female football players. No fun in that exercise. I
would like to extend the offer to one of my three female readers or perhaps one
of the two flaming ones. If you feel like undertaking such a task, your
contribution will be valued at…let’s say a $15 betting credit. Have fun and join
the fun. It’s just another thing you can do to distract yourself from your
inescapable exit from this world of color and consciousness to an eternity of
dark nothingness. It’ll be a real mood brightener.
On my end, I’ll take care of the guys in desperate need of a
man-to-man confrontation. I feel compelled to do so after seeing the 342,873rd
European metrosexual hipster in skin-tight jeans walked past my desk sporting
masterfully retarded gelled hair. It’s fucking Jersey Shore Babylon over here.
What the situationing-snooki-ing fuck is wrong with you stupid motherfuckers?
Someone seriously needs to sit you down and remind you that you possess a pair
of testicles. Lose the goddamn hair-gel fop! I’m frankly tired of walking off
with the women that were freaked out by your hideous fucking stalagmites. Most
of you won’t even have any hair after a few years. Treat it better than this. I
acknowledge that I too was once young, vain, and incurably dumb. Dismayed at
the gradual darkening of my once platinum blonde hair, I had it highlighted a
few times and even fully dyed once or twice. Then one day I awoke to the
realization that I was not, in fact, endowed with a vaginal cavity. Time to man
up, mates. Football players especially…
“All Ugly Team” Candidates—Portugal
Fabio Coentrao
Why do so many Iberian players dye their hair blond?
Miguel Lopes
Combing one’s hair forward….never a decent idea. Part it
side-to-side.
Joao Pereira
Way to rock the braces, spazz. Go ahead and spike your hair
like it’s an erect penis. You get spazzier by the second…
Miguel Veloso
Our budding midfielder wins the award for, “Best use of an
ENTIRE bottle of hairspray”. Congratulations.
Raul Meireles
Cool, Taxi Driver. Maybe you don’t even belong on the ugly
list.
Silvestre Varela
Stop. Hammer time. Some one bring me my parachute pants.
Projecting the Portuguese Lineup (4-3-3)
C. Ronaldo
|
Hugo Almeida Nani
|
Raul
Meireles Joao Moutinho
|
Hugo
Viana
|
Fabio Coentrao B. Alves Pepe Joao Pereira
|
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (3 to 1 odds for bookie):
1)
Netherlands
2)
Germany
3)
Portugal
4)
Denmark
Overall
Championship Odds:
Germany
(NO BETS)
Netherlands
(Straight up)
Portugal
(straight up)
Denmark
(3 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds:
Germany
(NO BETS)
Netherlands
(Straight up)
Portugal
(Straight up)
Denmark
(2 to 1)
