Happy weekend syndicate members,
We’ve finally arrived at the knockout stage, where dreams
vanish in an instant and extreme emotions…..blah…blah…blah As some elementary
arithmetic will tell you, half of our teams are now gone. Let’s wrap up the
goodbyes
Send offs
The People’s most Glorious Republic of North Korea’s Authorized Football Team playing for revered dear and young leaders Il (3 games played, 4 Hot Girls)
Still more recycled material:
“Keep an eye on The East Sea as those joint naval maneuvers
are about to begin. Very unhappy times ahead for those above the DMZ. The
“Goodbye Lenin Comedy” is still another 5-6 years away.”
There was a quite a good reason why this team has not
qualified since 1966. Likewise, there were at least 44 years of excellent
reasons why the appearance of this team ultimately amounted to a case of
perverse voyeurism. I’ve had my fun with those who bet on North Korea, but I’m
willing to admit that fact I’m troubled by some pangs of guilt. To trot these
backwards people out on the international stage was always destined to end in
embarrassment. I’d travel to Pyongyang to dispense hugs to North Korean girls,
if only anyone was allowed in by this paranoid, anachronistic, and merciless
regime.
“Les Elephants” of Cote D’Ivoire (3 games played, 26 Hot
Girls) 
From Earlier:
“Things couldn’t possibly be worse for African squads and
their “blind date” European coaches. As I once warned my African ex-girlfriend,
you really have bad taste in men. Sven Goran Eriksson two months before the
tournament? You could have gotten someone better off a speed-dating card! Never
again, Sven!”
Though it may be hard to comprehend, Cote d’Ivoire came much
closer to qualifying today than the score-line reflects. The team had enough
quality chances against the hapless vestiges of early 20th Century
Marxist thoughts to make this a 7-0 game. That still would not have gotten them
through, considering the Brazilian-Portuguese cousins had obviously agreed to
treat their match as a chance to get some light jogging in, but I still applaud
their skill.
Cote d’Ivoire showcased not only their talent today, but
also some great heart. The synchronized dancing of the fans, led by the
exquisitely costumed “Papa Elephant” was a priceless display of spirit and
grace. In eight short years, Didier Drogba has transformed this war-ravaged and
strife-plagued French “fuckup territory” into a unified nation of rabid
football fans. One finds oneself hoping Drogba will be back in for a talismanic
captain’s role in the 2014 squad. One cause for pessimism will be his age. He
will be 36 and likely thinking of life beyond football. Hang in there, Didier J
At some point, your country HAS to be fortunate enough to avoid a third
straight “Group of Death” draw.
“Die Schweizer Nati” of Switzerland (3 games played, 10
Hot Girls) 
Yes, you read that correctly. The Swiss colloquial word for
“wealth” is one letter away from “Nazi”. What a coincidence, as the only reason
this country exists is because they’ve been hiding money for shady or outright
evil Germans for the last 800 years. Neutrality my ass!! You mean stash money
from warring Europeans, never taking a side so as to keep business flowing?
We’ve gone ahead and changed the “Swiss National Football Team” Wikipedia Entry
to begin:
“The Swiss National Football Team is the most boring team in
the world.”
Hurry up and catch that one before they take it down.
I know a three-time-repeat is generally sacrilege, but I’d
like to repeat some of my anti-Swiss rants, merely to emphasize how much I hate
these racist, useless fucktards:
“Here are the most outrageous butcherings of the marvelous
German language by Bruno Ganz in the movie “Vitus”:
5. “Ick habe Ziet” (AHHH! My ears!)
4. “doo bisht Zwölfey” (MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!)
3. “Ick been gefloh-gen” (No more, please!)
2. “andereshes Saschen Mush doo aufshgieben” (Kill me, kill
me now!)
1. “So esh es auf der Schrreize Lande” (Ahhh!!! I swear it
wasn’t me. It was Julia. Julia!! Go after her O’Brien! It wasn’t me. Please.
Save me. Get me out of Room 101!)
Yechh. Pardon me, as I must commence vomiting.”
““To the racist, bigoted, sheep-shaggers of Switzerland:
I hate your
bizarre little microstate and I hate your team. Clinking your little hillbilly
cowbells, butchering the German language, approving xenophobic policies with
nearly every referendum, and providing safe haven for every other German
official’s taxable earnings. Grrrrr…I’ll get my money back…and some valuable
Data CDs as well.”
Lets see if you understand Hochdeutsch, Schweizi : “Verpißt
euch havaus! Geh nach Hause so dass ihr eure Kuh noch mal regelmäßig ficken
können!”
Okay, that may not have been “High German”, but it was
classier than anything that comes out of a Swiss fucker’s mouth.
Aufwiedersehen, alpine assholes,….or should I say:
“Euck wirde mick nikt fehlen!!”
The “Big Blue H” of Honduras (3 games played, 16 Hot
Girls) 
A bittersweet (or outright miserable) moment for me as I
must say goodbye to some people I have great respect for. The Zelaya jokes from
last Fall retired, I’d like to give a shout out to all of my Honduran mates.
Farewell my old Spanish-town pal Marco, my old girl Loupe, the guys who did my
roof, Manuel the Gardner, Taquito the tire man, all the guys on the N.O.
cleanup crew, the janitor at my middle school, my former boss Pepe the Poolman,
Ramon the part-time adult film star, Concietta the part-time adult film star,
Esteban from the drive-thru, Julio from the Restaurant, Mauricio from Valet,
Giorge from the take-out pizza parlor, Jose from the bar, and of course Pablo
down at the office.
To all the Hondurans working a crappy job, or those who had
the misfortune to work a shitty job with me: I salute you! So sad that you had
to be this year’s “CONCACAF Doormat.” I also apologize for the way Americans
treat you. As someone who has worked an endless sting of shitty jobs, I don’t
understand how why we always must be resented. I’d write more about your team,
but I have to get back to my current shitty job…….
Uruguay vs. South Korea
vs. 
vs.
This is most likely our farewell for the Koreans. If only I
could construct a prop bet on the over/under for the number of sad, hot Korean
girls to be observed during this finale. Regrettably, it doesn’t matter how
many of us tape all the games. The Final tally is a matter of my subjective
tastes L
Before getting too off tangent, I’d like to stress what an
exceptionally difficult this decision was. Much to my delight, habitually
underachieving Asian teams have consistently overachieved in this tournament. I
predicted neither South Korea nor Japan would advance. Yet here they are. After
much deliberation, I must set a line in which the clock strikes midnight on the
Red Devils. You will find the projected lineups to contain roughly an even
amount of talent. The best Uruguayan side assembled in decades simply has more
flair. No, my line is not based on Uruguay’s height advantage or the swing
radius of any team’s genitalia!!! I love my Red Devils of South Korea and
desperately do not want them (or their female fans) to go away. Please get up
early on Saturday morning, American fans. This may your last chance to see the
“Tigers of Asia” (fan club) for FOUR LONG YEARS!
Projected Lineups:
“Red Devils”
1) Jung Song Ryong
2) Lee Jung Soo
3) Cho Young-Hjung
4) Lee Young-Pyo
5) Kim Jong-Woo
6) Park Ji Sung
7) Lee Chung Yong
8) Park Chu Yong
9) Yeaom Ki-Hun
10) Kim Nam-Il
11) Cha-Du-Ri
“Olympic Sky Blue”
1) Fernando Musiera
2) Diego Lugano
3) Mauricio Victorino
4) Maxi Pereira
5) Diego Perez
6) Luis Suarez
7) Alvaro Pereira
8) Egidio Alveraro
9) Alvaro Fernandez
10) Edinson Cavani
11) Diego Forlan
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes— 2 to 1
Penalty Shootout— 3 to 1
Park Ji-Sung brace –5 to 1
Park Ji-Sung hat trick—10 to 1
Diego Forlan brace – 3 to 1
Controversial Korean Off-Sides –2 to 1
Straight red for Suarez –3 to 1
Musiera Howler (Goalkeeping error) 3 to 1
Lee Jong Soo Yellow Card—2 to 1
THE
LINE: Uruguay + 1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Uruguay 2, South Korea 1. The was some hope before the weather gods elected to
intervene. Chu Young Park fired the first warning shot, an exquisite curling
free kick kept out only by the iron. Nevertheless, the red devils of Asia found
themselves behind after only eight minutes. Diego Forlan pulled off a full
switch from the left flank that fell perfectly for Luis Suarez to tap in. South
Korean coach Hun Jong Moo brought on additional striker in the 60th
and eight minutes later his squad reaped the dividends. A Ki Sung Young free
kick fell to Lee Chung-Yong after a poor defensive header from Diego Perez.
Then came the downpour.
Neither
side could execute crisp passing on a drenched pitch in Port Elizabeth.
Breaking the deadlock would either require something special or something randomly
auspicious. Suarez supplied the former in the 80th, superbly
controlling off a Forlan corner, strafing past Lee Jung-Soo and striking a
whirling shot from a tough angle just outside the 18. The Taeguk warriors did
all they could to restore parity. Substitute striker Lee Dong Gook’s shot may
well have ended up the back of the net had the soaked pitch not slowed it down,
giving Uruguayan captain Diego Lugano to clear it off the line. Yeom Ki-Hun and
Cha Du-Ri also fashioned quality chances out of pure hustle.
At the
final whistle, the edged out Koreans lay exasperated on the pitch. Coach Huh
Jung-Moo too this day refers to the Celeste goals as “lucky”. With a sour and
sarcastic wave of the hand, he dismissed Gook’s misfortune. Spiteful gesture or
no, it was the Sky Blue advancing to the next level. No flak for the western
spelling of the Jeonbuck Motor’s superstar’s name, please. H calls himself
“Gook”. Who am I to disagree?
USA vs. Ghana
vs. 
No need for me to lecture American fans!! You’ve been past the Round of Sixteen once in my lifetime (2002)! I have a great feeling about tomorrow, but I do wish to pass on some friendly advice: The Knockout Rounds can turn euphoria into tears in a split second. All of the hype and all of the parties you panned can crumble to dust with just one play. Keep this in mind as you plan your soirée. It may amount to nothing more than a bunch of drunks sadly filtering out. Keep this in mind as you prepare your celebration dance. You may be doin the “Blow Chunks and Ask Why”. I declared Day 8 “Heartbreak Hour”. Now “Heartbreak Season” has arrived. Prepare yourself for the worst by giving yourself a “Failure Pep Talk”. Start your day by looking in the mirror and releasing your inner Stuart Smalley. Go through the following speech:
“We might lose today. The World Cup dream could be dead by
this evening, Even if we lose, it’s only a game. If I focus on my own life,
four years will go by like that! No matter the result today, I’m going to have
a good time. I do this because I’m good enough, smart enough, and God
dammit….people like me!! LET’S WATCH SOME FOOTBALL!!”
This exhibits some striking similarities to the speech I
give to myself before going out on a hot date:
“I might not get laid tonight. I may very well stumble home drunk
this evening with a bad case of blue balls. Even if I don’t get laid, I can
always come home, jerk off, hit the sack, and get a lot of work done tomorrow.
If I focus on my own life, whatever she says is not important. No matter what she says tonight, I’m
going to have a good time. I do this because I’m good enough, smart enough, and
God dammit….people like me!! LET’S GO CHECK OUT SOME TAIL!!”
With over a 98% success rate, you can’t go wrong with either
of these speeches. Trust me, the ritual works.
All of this being said, I want your team to win tomorrow. I
want you to be able to bet on your team and take orgasmic pleasure in not only
winning the game, but the line as well. Regrettably, if you’re reading this, it
is already too late to accept a one goal line. I’ve taken so many phone calls
for the U.S. plus one in the last five hours that I have no choice to push up
the line. In the future, please call your bookie earlier if you have the
passion. Yes, I know it’s my fault for not getting the lines up two days ago.
Not very easy when I have a FULL-TIME JOB!!!
Good luck, Yanks. JJJJJ
Projected Lineups:
“Black Stars”
1) Richard Kingson
2) Isaac Vorsah
3) John Paintsil
4) Kevin-Prince Boateng
5) Asamoah Gyan
6) Kwadmoh Asamoah
7) Andre Ayew
8) Anthony Annan
9) Sulley Muntari
10) Dominic Adiyiah
11) Prince Tagoe
“Sam’s Army”
1) Tim Howard
2) Carlos Bocanegra
3) Jonathan Bornstein
4) Steve Cherundulo
5) Jay Demerit
6) Maurice Edu
7) Michael Bradley
8) Clint Dempsey
9) Landon Donovan
10) Michael Findley
11) Jozy Altidore
Side Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/under---3 Goals
120 Minutes--- Straight Up
Penalty Shootout---2 to 1
American Goal Disallowed—3 to 1
Controversial Penalty Awarded to Ghana---3 to 1
Ghanaian Straight Red—straight up
Dempsey brace---5 to 1
Donovan goal—2 to 1
Onyewu Substitution 85+--2 to 1
Altidore Hat trick—7 to 1
Prince Boateng Substitution 85+--2 to 1
Prince Boateng straight red—2 to 1
Muntari substitution 90+3 to 1
THE
LINE: USA + 2 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Ghana 2, USA 1. (120 a.e.t) Okay,
American enthusiasts. For the third consecutive game in this tournament, you
got hosed to a certain extent. Let’s go over it in detail so that you may
refresh yourselves as to precisely how you were hard done by. Over Twenty
million Americans tuned in to watch this historic match. Chances are you were
one of them. We still need to get the facts straight after your cup of
knowledge has long since been refilled by NFL Free Agency acquisitions and bong
resin.
The Ghanaians
played this one ultra-conservatively, deploying a 4-5-1 in hopes of shutting
down the surging Donovan and Dempsey. After Gomez’s lukewarm outing, Bradley
restored Findley to his place alongside Altidore. He also brought back Ricardo
Clark and had Bornstein and Cherundolo swap sides. None of the moves panned
out. Before exiting with an injury in the 31st, Ricardo Clark was
solely responsible for the first goal after a silly turnover in midfield.
Former German bad boy Kevin Prince Boateng latched on to the rookie mistake and
dribbled all the way inside the 18, beating Tim Howard for a fifth minute
opening goal.
Bradley
could seemingly do no right. His substitution of Maurice Edu for the wounded Clark
appeared to have been the logical choice. Yet, he might have done better to
bring in Beasley, a more experienced natural center midfielder who had played
opposite Boateng in the Premiership. He swapped out Findley for Feilhaber at
the half, reorganizing into a 5-4-1 that might be more successful exploiting
Black Star lateral ability. Again, it was the switch most any of us would have
made. Feilhaber had an off game however, twice failing to furnish a decent
finish twenty minutes into the restart.
In the
interest of being as magnanimous as possible, Kingson had another monster of a
game. His two saves of Feilhaber were above average. He also did well to
challenge Altidore in the 68th, deny him again in the 72nd,
and cut down Michael Bradley in the 76th. The two Mensah also
performed their duties clinically, squeezing out Altidore in the 81st
and Donovan in the 89th. Mensah also fouled Altidore unabashedly
from the back earlier in the match and American football tackled Clint Dempsey
in the 61st. A penalty was rightly awarded, which Donovan converted.
Normal time ended with the two sides drawn. An additional half hour would be
needed to separate the sides.
Running
for 120 minutes is unimaginably difficult. Even in my prime, I could manage
perhaps 70 on my best day. It is such that teams often stall for time in the
overage period, and the match comes down to penalties more often than not. That’s
still no excuse for the poor sportsmanship exhibited by the Black Stars after
they regained the lead. The dynastic Andre Ayew threaded in a gorgeous ball for
Asamoah Gyan in the 93rd. The Rennes striker used a brilliant first
touch to leave Bocanegra and Demerit in the dust and beat Howard.
Now
comes the part where you MIGHT have been hard done by. Uncle Sam was clearly
exhausted and they could manage no almost offensive efforts in the first period
of overtime. However, around the 113th they found their second wind
and engineered three decent balls forward. The momentum was shifting. In order
to interrupt the flow, Rajevac called for the substitution of Inkoom, at that
time at the far side of the sideline. Inkoom took his sweet ass time getting
off the pitch, even pausing to exchange a few words with his replacement Shelley
Muntari. The waltzing gait and faux inspirational address burned almost two
minutes. So now then. Could this additional two minutes have made a difference?
We’ll never truly know, but the likely answer is no. The U.S. was fatigued and
prostrate, out of substitutions and out of ideas. One still never likes to see
a team so blatantly milk the clock. It’s cheap and totally unnecessary.
Just
like that another U.S. WM campaign came to a close. Two wrongly disallowed
goals and a bit of chicanery. Be not bitter if you find it feasible. Robert
Greene gave you a bit of luck. Despite the two disallowed goals, you still
finished atop your group…atop of your former colonial brethren. You faced the
weaker opponent in the Round of 16 and have only yourself to blame for the
defensive lapses. Is football inherently equitable? Certainly not. Is life?
Whoever the hell you are, you know the answer to that question. You’ll be back.
Be full of enthusiasm and not paranoia.
