Day 12
Record—
Spread: 13-23
Straight up: 17-8-11
Sorry I ever doubted you, Bafana. A marvelously valiant
effort that blew everyone’s mind! You had me glued to the screen (as opposed to
fast-forwarding for the hot chick count). We’ll miss you. L
Sincere congratulations to our neighbors south of the border
and the proud once-champions of Uruguay. We may all look forward to flamboyant
costumes of the beaners. These Mexicans know how to do it right. Mexican
wrestling masks, gigantic sombreros, and Aztec warrior attire. How can one NOT
love these people?! They are…..the most interesting fans in the world. Stay
thirsty, my friends! Plus, they do a fantastic job with the lawn and my oranges
are always tip-top. Viva Mexico!
For the first time in twenty years, the filthy commies of
Uruguay will ride on in the Round of Sixteen. Relax! Of course I’m kidding. The
Uruguayans are not communist. Jose Mujjica may be a former member of the Broad
Front, but he doesn’t look like he’s sharing his food with anyone. Two notes on
Uruguay:
1) You can’t take the “Sky Blue” as your name! That is
already taken! What? Enduring tradition? Sigh. Fine, but from now on I’m
referring to you as “The Poor man’s Argentina”
2) Diego Perez got seriously fucked up today. That has to be
the bloodiest football player I’ve ever seen…..that was still breathing. Way to
slap a turban on his head quickly! Should I ever be hunted down by someone
annoyed by all these puerile rants, I want the Uruguayan medical staff!
Hot Girl Standings
Country
|
Tally
|
Games Played
|
South Korea
|
34
|
3
|
South Africa
|
27
|
3
|
Italy
|
24
|
2
|
Argentina
|
24
|
3
|
Greece
|
22
|
3
|
Spain
|
21
|
2
|
Brazil
|
20
|
2
|
Denmark
|
16
|
2
|
USA
|
15
|
2
|
Mexico
|
15
|
3
|
Portugal
|
14
|
2
|
Ghana
|
12
|
2
|
Chile
|
12
|
2
|
Nigeria
|
12
|
3
|
New Zealand
|
11
|
2
|
Japan
|
10
|
2
|
Australia
|
9
|
2
|
Cameroon
|
9
|
2
|
Netherlands
|
8
|
2
|
Paraguay
|
7
|
2
|
Switzerland
|
7
|
2
|
Honduras
|
7
|
2
|
Uruguay
|
6
|
3
|
Slovenia
|
6
|
2
|
Serbia
|
6
|
2
|
England
|
6
|
2
|
Cote d’Ivoire
|
6
|
2
|
Slovakia
|
6
|
2
|
North Korea
|
4
|
2
|
France
|
4
|
3
|
Germany
|
3
|
2
|
Algeria
|
2
|
2
|
Before we talk about the South Koreans advancing and thereby
being the odds-on favorites, we should expend a sentence or two on the Greeks.
Good Lord! I had no idea there were so many Hellenic Hotties! If you happened
to read the lines today, you’ll know that I’ve rekindled my love for all things
Greek. These people have given us so much; Algebra, Democracy, Falafel,
Philosophy, History, Souvlaki, Astronomy, Military Science, Gyros, Agronomy,
Theater, Mysticism and Feta Cheese! I’m hungry. L Who cares if you can
retire at 55? You’ve got the olive skin to lie in the sun! My German father
couldn’t possibly lie in the sun. He can’t even be distinguished from the
sand. Well done, Greeks.
Terrible, terrible performance by the Argentines. No
worries, as it is not your fault. Cameramen cannot resist the temptation to
zoom in on Diego Maradona in the hopes of catching him being a doofus. We were
well rewarded on that front today, but we missed out on the chance to see some
of the most beautiful women in the world! This Maradona obsession may yet cost you
the Chicas Championship. Though the Koreans appear to have but one more game to
play, they remain the favorites.
