Happy Independence Day Yank Bettors,
Thanks to your reliable participation, your bookie is enjoying yet another lucrative Fourth. Right here with you celebrating the blessings of freedom and liberty! In commemoration of your glorious land’s 224th Birthday, I’ve elected to honor Uncle Sam by purchasing only the finest brewskis produced right here in the “greatest best country God has ever given man on the planet earth”.
Only the best! Before me sits a six-pack of “Big Flats 1901 Beer” purchased for a mere $2.99 (!!) at my local Walgreen’s. What an amazing country. Who says America doesn’t manufacture anything domestically? Let’s crack one open and do this!
…………
…………
…………
Dear lord…..that is BY FAR the most god-awful beverage I’ve
ever sampled in my life. Would have been better off with a urine specimen.
Haven’t coughed that much since I first started smoking. Whew! Anyway, Happy
Fourth everyone! Let’s put this “product” in a paper bag and move on.
Goals, goals, goals! Hell Yes. These skirts certainly don’t
disappoint, continually producing enthralling and attractive football on par
with any of the best UEFA CL matches! Any lingering doubts that the females
can’t bring it are the thoughts of an imbecilic ignoramus. I won’t be sucked
into any more debates about whether the women play as well as the men. As of
the last e-mail, the matter is closed.
How many “Female Messis” can we have? I count at least seven
(Necib, Marta, Anonman, Ellen White, Iwabuchi, Homare Sawa, and Caroline Seger).
Hmmmmm…running a bit low on the analogies there ESPN Team? I know you’re
instructed to act on the assumption that Americans don’t watch much football,
but actually insulting their intelligence with this über-patronizing overuse
kind of sucks.
Why isn’t England’s Jill Scott “The Female Peter Crouch”? How about Australia’s Collette McCallum as “The Female Yaya Touré”? Germany’s Melanie Behringer as “The female Charles N’Zogbia”?
Why isn’t England’s Jill Scott “The Female Peter Crouch”? How about Australia’s Collette McCallum as “The Female Yaya Touré”? Germany’s Melanie Behringer as “The female Charles N’Zogbia”?
All right. Obviously I watch too much Premiership action and have compiled racks of this stuff. Just consider e-mailing me if you need more material.
On the topic of ESPN’s coverage, wonderful (if not
personally painful) broadcasts from my beloved Heidelberg. Note that the name of the broadcast
site is “Marktplatz”, not “The
Marketplatz” (as Bob Ley frequently states). Moreover, the article is
incorrect. It is not referred to as “the Marktplatz”, but simply “[a]
Marktplatz.” (There are four separate Markplätze in Heidelberg)
Trivial points indeed, but I know that little square so well it hurts. They’re at the east end of the Fußgänger, right in front of the Heiliggeistkirche and next to the Neue Stadtverwaltung! I know that little Geschenkeladen! The café one sees in the background is a mere three minutes walk from the University Library, a most splendid option for any student opting to call it a day.
Many were the afternoons that a certain 18-year-old aspiring Philosophy student at the Universität Heidelberg stopped in that VERY café for an afternoon expresso/note review session before heading across the alte Brücke for a leisurely stroll up the Philosophen Weg, an evening spent getting lost in some obscurely quaint old bookshop, or a night of pure cult stimulation at a small theatre play/concert/festival.
Excuse me one second….have something in my eye….getting a bit misty here. Oh to be that age again; to have an entire lifetime of terrible decisions and epic failures before you. Oh well. Life only moves forward and so do we…..
Trivial points indeed, but I know that little square so well it hurts. They’re at the east end of the Fußgänger, right in front of the Heiliggeistkirche and next to the Neue Stadtverwaltung! I know that little Geschenkeladen! The café one sees in the background is a mere three minutes walk from the University Library, a most splendid option for any student opting to call it a day.
Many were the afternoons that a certain 18-year-old aspiring Philosophy student at the Universität Heidelberg stopped in that VERY café for an afternoon expresso/note review session before heading across the alte Brücke for a leisurely stroll up the Philosophen Weg, an evening spent getting lost in some obscurely quaint old bookshop, or a night of pure cult stimulation at a small theatre play/concert/festival.
Excuse me one second….have something in my eye….getting a bit misty here. Oh to be that age again; to have an entire lifetime of terrible decisions and epic failures before you. Oh well. Life only moves forward and so do we…..
Speaking of congenital “fuck-ups”, we have our first
official eliminations to report. Six teams have played so poorly that they’ve
now been declared clinically dead. We’re calling it. Time of death: “Round 2”.
As is our tradition, each tossed team will receive a parting paean detailing
their memorable contributions to the tournament and an ode to the facets and
faces we’ll miss.
They’ll also receive Turtle Wax, the traditional consolation prize of losers everywhere. (I’ve got a garage full). Alas, the proper epitaphs will have to wait until the Quarterfinal Preview. After all, the girls have one final chance to wow us in the final round of the Group Stages
They’ll also receive Turtle Wax, the traditional consolation prize of losers everywhere. (I’ve got a garage full). Alas, the proper epitaphs will have to wait until the Quarterfinal Preview. After all, the girls have one final chance to wow us in the final round of the Group Stages
Thus, in the interim, we shall settle for a segment rather
unbecomingly titled “Vicey yells at Women.” Sorry to do this ladies. I
aggressively vocalize my dismay for the sole reason that I’ll miss your
presence in this tournament. If that sounds a bit too much like “he hits her
because he loves her”, well than you obviously don’t know me that well.
Canada
Failing to even record a shot??..tsk…tsk....my darlings. Look at you sending the dull wits of not-so-puny headline writers into overdrive.. “Woe Canada”. “Whoa, Canada”, “Canada Dry”, “Canadian ‘Missed’”, “Second-City Team”, “Great White Whore”. Okay that last one was somewhat out of line. This isn’t Ice Hockey, ladies! Dump and Chase will not work! Absolutely no forward momentum. I thought you girls knew how to start a riot, maybe even have sex during a riot.
But I digress….Kaylyn Kyle deserves a stern talking to for
her anemic mid-field presence. Candice Chapman has earned a finger-wagging
lecture on how to properly execute well-timed runs. Sophie Schmidt and Brittany
Timko both merit harsh rebukes for their obscenely bad challenging skills.
Jonelle Filligno needs to be spanked….but that has nothing to do with her
performance on the pitch.
Nigeria
The “Super Falcons” revealed themselves to be very dirty birds indeed Having not the skill to compete with the Germans, “Goodluck’s Girls” compensated by playing one of the more unsportsmanlike matches in recent memory. Watching all those German women being harried by cheap shots and dangerous challenges I personally felt compelled to enlist in the Bundeswehr. It is an unusually sad day when Vicey is forced to write negatively about the game’s most sincere and honorable players.
Africans (and particularly Nigerians) are generally the “anti-wops”. That is, they do not fake injuries with lachrymose whining. They almost never slide tackle on 50-50s. Rarely, if ever, will they employ a blatant trip foot, knock down, or groin kick. Ohale, Ukaonu, Ebi, and Michel played a game worthy of the worst greasy Dago out there. Condemnation all around. Beyond all this, Sarah Michael has been a calamitous dud. Such a shame when talent isn’t in form.
New Zealand
They stole our hearts, they broke our hearts. After grabbing what could have been a decisive early lead, the Football Ferns squandered a seemingly infinite number of chances, provoking enough stomping to scare away my cats for a solid week.
Gregorius, WHAT ARE YOUR DOING?!? How many touches do you
need before hammering it home? Hearn! What’s the deal? Arriving late on your
crosses? Don’t you carefully calibrate these set pieces in practice all week?
You guys had it and you blew it! I haven’t been this mad since the last time I shored up my CV. Ali played amazingly, but she can’t do it all herself at the back. Where the hell were you, Erceg and Percival?! For that matter, where the hell were Hannah Wilkinson and Emma Kete. If your strikers are having one of those poor touch days, sub without delay! Poor lineup selection and ineffective on-the-fly coaching contributed to this team’s untimely demise.
You guys had it and you blew it! I haven’t been this mad since the last time I shored up my CV. Ali played amazingly, but she can’t do it all herself at the back. Where the hell were you, Erceg and Percival?! For that matter, where the hell were Hannah Wilkinson and Emma Kete. If your strikers are having one of those poor touch days, sub without delay! Poor lineup selection and ineffective on-the-fly coaching contributed to this team’s untimely demise.
Columbia
The team so feeble they don’t even have a nickname. The program has made great strides, rising over 70 places in the FIFA Rankings over the past two years. Too bad I don’t care about the FIFA Rankings. Also a shame I’m not above vituperating some hard-working girls.
Natalia Gaitan was essentially M.I.A. when it mattered.
Catalina Usme looked like me when forced to play forward: tentative and always
coming up with the wrong ideas. Actually, that might describe me in every day
life as well. A tough group this one. Still, they could have stolen a point
from Sweden had they only had greater proficiency from their forwards.
Korea DPR
As previously emphasized, one cannot help but possess pure sympathy for exploitatively doped crew from the peninsula. Here’s what I wrote about them in my “Meet the Girls” Primer:
WHO’S THAT GIRL? 
“Ahem…in honor of the perverted delinquency of these
innocent women’s’ regime, I am proud to declare that they are ALL the most beautiful
women in the world to me. Their inner-beauty, forged in the furnace of
absurdist actions of deluded demagoguery, shall always shine greater than the
inexcusable madness that corrupted their façade.”
So what can I yell at these ladies? Hmmmm….STOP GETTING
STRUCK BY LIGHTNING YOU TWITS!!
Equatorial Guinea
Just can’t trust the Guineans, can you? Whether they’re fielding hermaphrodites, buying Spanish players, cradling balls in the box, or withholding critical character information from New York prosecutors, they are simply to mendacious. (Please no corrections. I know the maid is actually from Guinea and not Equatorial Guinea). The only thing more depressing than seeing Dominique Strauss-Kahn smirking at me from the pages of my morning Grey Lady was watching the chaotic midfield and pathetic back line of this team.
Carolina and Ana Christina looked like Junior High Schoolers out there. Dulcia and Bruna had no clue as to their role. Finally, goalkeeper Miram gave up more rebounds than a speed-dating circle. Ugh. Anonman is easily the best player in the tournament. Cynically, one must note that even the most lionhearted of individuals cannot carry a team.
All lines are calculated personally by your friendly bookie
Vicey….The Charlie Rose of Summer football tournaments. The correspondence that
follows is, as always, crafted with sincere amity for those who appreciate
sharp wit and an extra spot of fun in their day. Should you prefer solemnity,
drama, and conflict… kindly return to posting completely incoherent vitriolic
political views on the YouTube discussion forums.
Tuesday--------
Deutschland vs. France
vs. 
Brigit Prinz’s “cranky pants”. “A picture is worth a few dirty novels”. The endless loop of armchair analysis churns and churns. Forgive me if I fail to be interested in the off-the-field matters like douchebags Jim Rome or Stephen A. Smith. Why is such a huge deal being made of the infamous “Brumhilda Slap”? Of course she was going to be upset after being subbed early! She may be past her prime, but she said all the right things afterwards and there is no indication that this will be a debilitating distraction for the team!
No, I do not care “was in die Bild-Zeitung steht”! Axel Springer thought he could personally convince Brezhnev to abandon Communism. Who gives a shit what the publication with an enormous penis on the side of its Berlin offices writes? Whew….deep breaths…deep breaths. Apologies, as it occurs to me that I’m defending Brigit Prinz with all the zeal of the appallingly sick “leave Britney Alone!!” fairy.
All of this is not to say, “nothing is fucked”. Nothing is
fucked? The goddamned plane has crashed into the mountain! Germany was the only
team to employ the same starting eleven in both matches. In an astounding lack
of originality Sylvia Neid also called on the same three substitutes. We’ll
definitely see some alterations after the last effort.
For starters, Talismanic Midfielder Kulig has to sit this one out on a double yellow. With Melanie Behringer doubtful after her injury we have two gaping holes in the midfield. A bold option for remedying this would be switching to a 4-3-3 formation, with Popp, Grings, and Prinz at striker.
This appears unlikely, however, given that a conservative win takes priority over goal differential. The more likely scenario involves “Heldenzeit”. Yes, not only do I watch Women’s Football, I also like “Wir Sind Helden”. Inching ever closer to giving up all of my dirty little secrets. You so do not need to know what songs I listen to in my basement.
For starters, Talismanic Midfielder Kulig has to sit this one out on a double yellow. With Melanie Behringer doubtful after her injury we have two gaping holes in the midfield. A bold option for remedying this would be switching to a 4-3-3 formation, with Popp, Grings, and Prinz at striker.
This appears unlikely, however, given that a conservative win takes priority over goal differential. The more likely scenario involves “Heldenzeit”. Yes, not only do I watch Women’s Football, I also like “Wir Sind Helden”. Inching ever closer to giving up all of my dirty little secrets. You so do not need to know what songs I listen to in my basement.
The hero to be called upon is my mature maven “Fatimire
Baramaj” You’ll have no trouble recognizing this Kosovar. She has already been
anointed as the indeterminably ethnic “German People’s Choice”. Conservatively
speaking, I estimate the ESPN Commentary team will broach her rather inspirational
back-story no fewer than three hundred times.
Ink is already dry on the glowing newspaper articles. The (dramatic) story of Germany’s lionhearted refugee heroine, coming of the bench for a crucial storybook goal has already been written. All we have to do now is play the game. Viel Glück, Mädel.
Ink is already dry on the glowing newspaper articles. The (dramatic) story of Germany’s lionhearted refugee heroine, coming of the bench for a crucial storybook goal has already been written. All we have to do now is play the game. Viel Glück, Mädel.
A “five star” performance by the French against their
wayward New World progeny. A four course meal of goals; two entrees provided by
Gaetene Thiney’s brace, an extra bottle of wine courtesy of Camille Abily,
topped off with some crème brûlée and a stomach-cleansing shot of liqueur
compliments of Elodie Thomas. Service was provided by hot waitress who you will
unavoidably over-tip, Louisa Necib.
Ze French continue to manipulate their way back into my
arms, thwarting any attempts to alter our relationship status of “It’s
complicated”. I will be overextending the chain-smoking hot female hellcat
metaphor until lung cancer finally claims my broken existence. Just when you
think you’re finally through….she’s thrown all the kitchenware at you……she’s
shrieked, sobbed, hissed, threatened to slit her own wrists, and accused you of
everything under sun…..oh fuck…..here comes that pouty “come-hither” look……you
know what it’s time to do.....and it a’int sweeping up all those broken plates
just yet.
So here we are again, ma cherie.
Entwined in the afterglow of the late afternoon, we may gaze deeply into one
another’s eyes and exchange loving words about Portuguese Debt Restructuring,
the upcoming EU Summit, the new direction of the IMF, and NATO’s post-conflict
Libya role. Aaaahhhh. I’ll take another drag off that Gauloises. Of course all
of these pillow-talk pleasantries are scheduled to end on Tuesday right around
20:45 Central European Time. When this game rolls around, time for you to hit
up the "Second sink" and strap on your boots.
Sois un ange et fais-moi encore un cafe!
On n'a pas encore vu le pire
THE LINE: Deutschland +1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Germany 4, France 2. Following the commercial and critical success of “Me at
the Zoo”, I find myself ruing the non-post of the satirical treasure entitled
“Leave Birget Alone!”. On the other hand, cyberspace remains significantly less
cluttered in the absence of that piece of junk. Moreover, it would have been a
moot point. The 34-year-old Prinz was dropped in favor of the slightly younger
Inka Grings. Bajramaj took over for the injured Behringer. Schmidt for Bresonik
and Gößling for Kulig rounded out four changes for Syvia Neid’s side, which
remained faithful to the 4-2-3-1.
Only two minor changes for the Gauloises Gals, very much in “do no harm” mode after dismantling the Canadians. Delie and Abily were given the day off in anticipation of the knockout stages. At least that was the plan. They were called back into action after the Frogs got off to a horrendous start.
Only two minor changes for the Gauloises Gals, very much in “do no harm” mode after dismantling the Canadians. Delie and Abily were given the day off in anticipation of the knockout stages. At least that was the plan. They were called back into action after the Frogs got off to a horrendous start.
No
shortage of talking points in this one so let’s hop straight to it. After
twenty minutes of stalemate, proceedings were in dire need of a set-piece
spark. Babett Peter unshackled us with a mind-blowing archer of a free kick
from 50 yards out. The statuesque Kirsten Garefreckas met it with a well-timed
leap and clinical header for a 25th minute lead.
The cushion allowed Grings to get a little more creative. Two minutes after leading a prolonged attacking third charge, she herself doubled the lead, nodding in a fine Simone Laudehr cross for a 32nd minute goal. Bruno Bini made two halftime adjustments, prematurely shaking the proven performers Marie-Laurie Delie and Camilie Abily out of their rest cure in order to salvage the match.
The cushion allowed Grings to get a little more creative. Two minutes after leading a prolonged attacking third charge, she herself doubled the lead, nodding in a fine Simone Laudehr cross for a 32nd minute goal. Bruno Bini made two halftime adjustments, prematurely shaking the proven performers Marie-Laurie Delie and Camilie Abily out of their rest cure in order to salvage the match.
Delie
made an immediate impact, besting four white shirts in the penalty area to head
in a Soubreyrand corner in the 56th. It was the third straight goal
scored with sound technical footballing. Ten minutes later, however, the Krauts
essentially snuffed out any hopes of a comeback. Grings, patient and clever,
drew away most of the French defense with some theatrical footwork just inside
the 18. Surging forward to take advantage of space on the left was Fatrmire
Bajramaj. Grings squared for her and she had only keeper Berangere Sapowicz to
beat.
Sapowicz had little in the way of options beyond the so-called “professional foul”. In order to stop a sure goal, she had to clip Bajramaj, taking her out by the shins. The tackle earned her a 65th minute straight red. Her backup had two minutes to prepare for Grings’s spot kick. Cold keeper Celine Deville never stood much of a chance, making it unsurprising that her first touch entailed picking the ball out of the back of the net.
Sapowicz had little in the way of options beyond the so-called “professional foul”. In order to stop a sure goal, she had to clip Bajramaj, taking her out by the shins. The tackle earned her a 65th minute straight red. Her backup had two minutes to prepare for Grings’s spot kick. Cold keeper Celine Deville never stood much of a chance, making it unsurprising that her first touch entailed picking the ball out of the back of the net.
Reduced
to ten players and down by two goals, the Froggies refused to succumb to
capitulation mode. Elodie Thomas re-claimed the match theme of aerial prowess, scoring
the fourth headed goal of the afternoon off a Laura Georges cross. We had to
wait until the 88th for our “das ist die Entscheidung” moment. Peter
and Garefreckas strung together an inventive series of passing before setting up da Mbabi, who finished with a flourish off the volley. A standing ovation in
Mönchengladbalch. Little did we know that this would be the final curtain
call.
Canada vs. Nigeria
vs. 
We have our first meaningless match. Ordinarily, meaningless farewell matches are an opportunity to observe entirely fresh lineups featuring young, hungry players with nothing to lose and everything to prove. Accordingly, they can be high-scoring affairs that feature some stunning displays of creativity. If this happens to be the only one you can get a feed for, here are a few things to look out for:
1) UCLA’s Chelsea Stewart might get the starting nod in lieu
of Sophie Schmidt. She’s a cutie you’d be happy wear as a puppet.
2) Robyn Gale is also likely to get some playing time
replacing either Chapman or Timko. Check her out before it’s too late
3) It’s the Swan Song for all our Canadian Hotties. Though
Kaylyn Kyle will likely be on the bench, Jonelle Filligno is too talented not
to start. The same may be said for Christina Julien.
4) On the Nigerian side, Swedish League bombshells Ulunma
Jerome and Josephine Chukwundi should be picked for the starting eleven. This is also
your last chance to check out Sarah Michael and Glory Iroka
Why is it always about women, Vicey? Because it just is.
Leave it be.
THE LINE: Canada +2
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Nigeria 1, Canada 0. It was nice to see the Super Falcons eke out a
well-deserved victory. The Canadians were once again guilty of egregious ball
watching and the more determined squad should have been well in front prior to
the power outage. Yes, the power outage. Evidently, East Germany still falls
prey to some conduit Gremlins from time to time. Faulty electrical wiring in
the home of Dynamo Dresden caused the entire stadium to go dark in the 71st.
It took twenty minutes for the unionized Karl-Heinz to marry the exposed wires and let there once again be light. Perpetua Nkwocha returned refreshed from the hiatus and tore apart a Canadian back line yet again content to simply leisurely stand there for a decisive 84th minute tally.
It took twenty minutes for the unionized Karl-Heinz to marry the exposed wires and let there once again be light. Perpetua Nkwocha returned refreshed from the hiatus and tore apart a Canadian back line yet again content to simply leisurely stand there for a decisive 84th minute tally.
So
what’s the feature this time, boys? We’ve already demeaned women by conferring
“Woman of the Match” Honors upon for things like a pleasingly protruding chest
or a pullable ponytail. I’ve also showcased my Umberto Eco impression, writing
eight separate essays on beauty that the world could have done without. Can we
truly abase the fairer sex any further? I’ll answer using the patented phrases
from both sides of the ’08 campaign trail.
As
Sarah Palin would say, “You betcha!”
As
President Obama would say, “YES WE CAN!”
Time
to rank the departing women. You know the drill, mates. On a scale from one to
ten….
Nigeria
Ulumna
Jerome
|
9.5
|
Sarah
Michael
|
9.0
|
Glory
Iroka
|
8.5
|
Faith
Ikidi
|
8.2
|
Francisco
Ordega
|
7.9
|
Uchechi
Sunday
|
7.7
|
Helen
Ukaonu
|
7.2
|
Onome
Ebi
|
7.0
|
Ogonna
Chukwdui
|
6.1
|
Stella
Mbachu
|
5.8
|
Rebecca
Kalu
|
5.7
|
Amenze
Aighehi
|
5.0
|
Osinachi
Ohale
|
4.8
|
Perpetua
Nkwoka
|
4.4
|
Ebere
Orji
|
4.3
|
Desire
Opraranozie
|
4.2
|
Precious
Dede
|
3.9
|
Rita
Chikwelu
|
3.7
|
Josephine
Chukwunonye
|
3.5
|
Canada
Jonelle
Filligno
|
10.0
|
Chelsea
Stewart
|
9.1
|
Christine
Julien
|
8.9
|
Jodi
Ann-Robinson
|
8.2
|
Diana
Matheson
|
8.0
|
Kaylyn
Kyle
|
7.9
|
Karina
Leblanc
|
7.4
|
Marie
Eve-Nault
|
6.4
|
Christine
Sinclair
|
6.3
|
Desiree
Scott
|
6.0
|
Candace
Chapman
|
5.8
|
Robin
Gayle
|
5.1
|
Sophie
Schmidt
|
5.0
|
Erin
McLeod
|
4.9
|
Melissa
Tancredi
|
4.1
|
Brittany
Timko
|
3.9
|
Kelly
Parker
|
3.8
|
Carmelina
Mosacato
|
3.5
|
Rhian
Wilkinson
|
3.3
|
New Zealand vs. Mexico
vs. 
In all likelihood, this will be the farewell for the “South
of the Border Senioritas”. It is with the deepest of despondency that I come to
terms with the reality that the “Women in Black” will be leaving us. Black is
quite the befitting color for Midfielder Dinora Garza, defender Natalie Vinti
and “dirty girl” Alina Garciamendez It is only fair that “Festa Mexicanna”
comes to an end. Garciamendez, for all her alluring charm, has played terrible
at the back. One might even say that Mexico’s entire defensive corps has been
as loose as a ghetto booty.
As we prepare to say goodbye to “Los chicas pobres”, I
implore all of you who sent me scathing diatribes on Mexicans to contemplate a
change of heart. I know you’re upset about the CONCACAF Gold Cup, but you’re
going to have to learn how to love thy neighbors. It’s not as if you have much
of a choice. Get over whatever “Complete the Dang Fence” nonsense permeates our
discourse and go kick a ball with Julio. Healing is fun!
“God Defend New Zealand”? Outside of Ali Riley, New Zealand
couldn’t defend a silo filled with human feces. I did appreciate Adrian Healy’s
introduction to the Kiwi-Limey match: “The young Colonial Upstart is looking to
put one over on their big sister.”
The bad news is that they ultimately didn’t and I lost a
significant sum of money to you worthless bastards! Put me on St. George’s
Cross! The good news is that the “All-Cunts” have a meaningless match and we
get to see some cuties from the reserve bank. Keep an eye out for:
1) Backup keeper Erin Nayler
2) Fullback Anna Green:
3) Second String Midfielder Kristi Yallop:
There is oh so much from the second hottest team in the
tournament. Tune in to give these foxes the salutatory sendoff they warrant.
THE
LINE: Mexico+1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
New Zealand 2, Mexico 2. Another fantastic comeback by the Kiwis. Still more
woes for the bookie. The football ferns capped an exciting thrill ride with two
goals in the final four minutes. The Vegemite Vaginas got off to the worst
possible start, allowing Veronica Perez and Maribel Dominguez to make a mockery
of their revamped midfield. The latter caught Stephany Mayor in stride and she
out-motored Abby Erceg to beat Jenny Bindon five-hole.
The opening goal came before anyone in Sinsheim had the chance to crack open a cold one. The Kiwis, shell-shocked by the 2nd minute goal, couldn’t pass with any fluidity for the duration of the half. Perez again proved a crucial catalyst in the 29th, headed forward what turned out to be a cheeky long ball for Dominguez. With only Bindon to beat, she calmly and confidently finished to her right.
The opening goal came before anyone in Sinsheim had the chance to crack open a cold one. The Kiwis, shell-shocked by the 2nd minute goal, couldn’t pass with any fluidity for the duration of the half. Perez again proved a crucial catalyst in the 29th, headed forward what turned out to be a cheeky long ball for Dominguez. With only Bindon to beat, she calmly and confidently finished to her right.
After
the restart, the ferns brought on Hannah Wilkinson, Kristi Yallop, and finally
Ria Percival to spice things up. They remained unable to shake them out of a
stagnation that lasted the full 45. Monica Ocampo nearly duplicated her
gorgeous distance strike. Other than that the ball remained glued to the middle
of the park.
It
seemed as if the ferns had salvaged nothing more than a pittance of a
consolation prize when Rebecca Smith headed in a corner in the 91st.
To their great credit, the squad pushed hard for an equalizer, playing at
maximum tempo even after the four minutes of injury time elapsed.
Demonstrating fantastic hustle, Amber Hearn ran to claim a ball that had gone out in to touch. She employed a quick throw to Yallop, who one-touched to Hoyle. Without a second’s hesitation Hoyle flicked on for White. Knowing full well this would be the absolute last play of the game White threw in a desperate cross for…well…..for anyone.
Substitute Hannah Wilkinson chested it down and, after a skillful steadying touch, fired it past Santiago to obtain the draw. There were tears from the fifteen-year-old Santiago. The Mexican women, having not yet achieved a victory at the Women’s World Cup Finals, had placed far too much on the shoulders of their barely teenage keeper.
Demonstrating fantastic hustle, Amber Hearn ran to claim a ball that had gone out in to touch. She employed a quick throw to Yallop, who one-touched to Hoyle. Without a second’s hesitation Hoyle flicked on for White. Knowing full well this would be the absolute last play of the game White threw in a desperate cross for…well…..for anyone.
Substitute Hannah Wilkinson chested it down and, after a skillful steadying touch, fired it past Santiago to obtain the draw. There were tears from the fifteen-year-old Santiago. The Mexican women, having not yet achieved a victory at the Women’s World Cup Finals, had placed far too much on the shoulders of their barely teenage keeper.
Time
to rank the departing women. You know the drill, mates. On a scale from one to
ten….
Mexico
Natalie
Vinti
|
10.0
|
Natalie
Garcia
|
8.6
|
Alina
Garciamendez
|
8.3
|
Nayeli
Rangel
|
8.0
|
Kenti
Robles
|
7.8
|
Rubi
Sandoval
|
7.3
|
Stephanie
Mayor
|
5.9
|
Cecilia
Santiago
|
5.8
|
Dinora
Garza
|
5.5
|
Monica
Alvarado
|
5.4
|
Liliana
Mercado
|
5.2
|
Maribel
Dominguez
|
4.6
|
Monica
Ocampo
|
4.5
|
Veronica
Perez
|
4.3
|
Guadeloupe
Worbis
|
4.2
|
Luz
del Rosario Saucedo
|
3.7
|
Teresa
Noyola
|
3.1
|
Juana
Lopez
|
2.8
|
Charlyn
Corrado
|
2.3
|
New
Zealand
Ali
Riley
|
10.0
|
Sarah
McLaughlin
|
9.5
|
Hayley
Moorwood
|
9.0
|
Anna
Green
|
8.0
|
Sarah
Gregorius
|
7.6
|
Hannah
Wilkinson
|
7.0
|
Kristy
Hill
|
6.8
|
Katie
Bowen
|
6.5
|
Ria
Percival
|
6.1
|
Rosie
White
|
5.7
|
Rebecca
Smith
|
5.5
|
Amber
Hearn
|
5.4
|
Kristi
Yallop
|
5.3
|
Abby
Erceg
|
5.2
|
Emma
Kete
|
5.1
|
Katie
Hoyle
|
5.0
|
Annalie
Longo
|
4.8
|
Betsy
Hassett
|
4.6
|
Jenny
Bindon
|
3.0
|
England vs. Japan
vs. 
vs.
Japan’s incredibly fluid cycle passing is a marvel to
behold. Simply stated, there is not a better “keep away” team in the
competition. So it was to the backbeat of the most raucous drum section in all
of Football Fandom that Homare Sawa picked was gifted a brilliant hat trick.
Sawa! All she had to do was finish. “sawa sawa!” Fun to say isn’t it? “sawa
sawa!” Slap your mates in the back of the head: “sawa sawa!” Take a long pull
off that pint of mild & bitter: “sawa sawa!”. Come home, put on your robe
and slippers, pack your “scholars pipe” with cherry tobacco, put some Stan Getz
on the stereo and curl up with the crossword puzzle by the fireplace.
Inhale deeply, take a moment to appreciate that the workday is finally over and it’s time to get cozy. Exhale. Say: “sawa sawa”! Incidentally, “sawa sawa” is a Kiswahili phrase loosely translated as “very nice, very nice”. Try it out sometime. I’m not kidding about the robe, pipe, and slippers either.
Inhale deeply, take a moment to appreciate that the workday is finally over and it’s time to get cozy. Exhale. Say: “sawa sawa”! Incidentally, “sawa sawa” is a Kiswahili phrase loosely translated as “very nice, very nice”. Try it out sometime. I’m not kidding about the robe, pipe, and slippers either.
Japan have hit their stride and are now firing on all
cylinders. No team should look forward to facing them. Their defensive backs
have been so miserly that they have only relinquished four shots on goal in the
last two games. Their forwards are, in the words of Beth Mowins, “Attacking
with alacrity!”. Grrrr.. Regular syndicate members are well aware of my utter
disdain for that word. It is perhaps worth reiterating that I do not wish to
catch any of you using it…ever!
Profoundly irksome stuff! Just as the use of “555” numbers in films is nothing more than a grating proclamation that “Hey, we’re in a movie”, the use of certain words convey to me the gnawing message that “Hey, I’ve been studying for the GRE.” I am normally capable of letting it slide, but “alacrity”, “ebullient”, “ameliorate”, and “lugubrious” send me over the line. Let’s try it again, Beth:
Profoundly irksome stuff! Just as the use of “555” numbers in films is nothing more than a grating proclamation that “Hey, we’re in a movie”, the use of certain words convey to me the gnawing message that “Hey, I’ve been studying for the GRE.” I am normally capable of letting it slide, but “alacrity”, “ebullient”, “ameliorate”, and “lugubrious” send me over the line. Let’s try it again, Beth:
“Deft attacking and fearless hustle from the Japanese!”
No shortage of English ecstasy after many of you FINALLY
bled some cash out of me by betting on your team. I’ll be reluctantly sending
you those notes with the picture of your inbred dullard of a monarch on them. I
recognize my right honorable friends on the other side of the pond…..and your useless
“regina”…..and your “Tory Scum” government.
You may have silenced my pre-mature obituary of your team, but the clock winds down on chances to express pride in your choke-prone country. Visit from Sporty Spice or no, this 4-2-4 formation takes forever to get into gear.
You cannot afford another sluggish “Mini-Cooper” start! With a bottlenecked midfield you stand no chance. Try putting “Bulldog” Ellen White and Kelly Smith up top. Yankey and Aluko have been less than crisp and can come off the bench. Push Jill Scott forward more and widen the midfield by giving either Houghton or Basset a start.
You may have silenced my pre-mature obituary of your team, but the clock winds down on chances to express pride in your choke-prone country. Visit from Sporty Spice or no, this 4-2-4 formation takes forever to get into gear.
You cannot afford another sluggish “Mini-Cooper” start! With a bottlenecked midfield you stand no chance. Try putting “Bulldog” Ellen White and Kelly Smith up top. Yankey and Aluko have been less than crisp and can come off the bench. Push Jill Scott forward more and widen the midfield by giving either Houghton or Basset a start.
Nothing more to say about what looks to be a very intriguing
matchup. Except of course that Jill Scott and Alex Scott should go on a double
date with Joe Cole and Ashley Cole. You bloody islanders have almost as few
surnames as the Icelanders.
THE
LINE: Japan+1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
England 2, Japan 0. Quite the surprise here. Not a good day for Nadeshiko
keeper Ayumi Kaihori. Twice her diminutive size enabled the Lionesses to simply
chip the ball over her for goals that had to feel embarrassing. The Blue
Geishas were the side that intentionally contested the game, leaving their
first-string lineup unchanged. By contrast, England coach hope Powell gave
Rachel Yankey, Fara Williams, and Faye White the day off, more or less
convinced that a long-term strategy would be preferable.
Ando
and Nagasato fired respective warning shots on Karen Bardsley, but she appeared
to have brought her ‘A’ game. Instead it was the Lionesses breaking the
deadlock on a very clever play from Ellen White. After receiving Karen Carney’s
cross twenty meters out, she instantaneously calculated that simply playing it
off the volley might be just enough to beat a badly overcommitted Kaihori. The
snap judgment proved quite sagacious. A backpedaling Kaihori was too undersized
to reach it. 1-0 Limey Ladies.
Though
the next goal wouldn’t come for another 50 minutes, the two teams played
fundamentally flawless football, the Japs especially living up to their
reputation for fluid passing and creative lateral play. Aya Sameshima had a
sure equalizer cleared off the line. Aya Miyama cutback brilliantly for Sawa,
only to have her sky the shot. At the other end Kaihori did all she possibly
could to keep matters close, punching away another Ellen White laser at full
stretch and cutting down Kelly Smith with a deft charge.
Bardsley,
however, was working even harder. Miyama and Ohno attempted to work in crosses
from their respective flanks, but she was always first to meet them. Everyone
else was back helping for the England defense, standing tall even in the face
of Jap innovation. Miyama did manage to crack the code when she crossed inward
for Nagasato in the 51st.
The Turbine Potsdam girl just failed to finish. The badly botched chance would come back to haunt the Nadeshiko when Rachel Yankey (called back into action at the half) took two intelligent touches after receiving a Rachel Unitt through ball and flicked it over a once-again overcommitted Kaihori.
The tempo did not subside after the 66th minute goal. Bardsley had more heroics in store, spreading to stop Iwabuchi, collecting everything Kawasumi tried to through into the area, and punching clear all of Miyama’s trickery. Her positioning was impeccable. Overall, a real football fan’s game. The girls put on a thoroughly entertaining show.
The Turbine Potsdam girl just failed to finish. The badly botched chance would come back to haunt the Nadeshiko when Rachel Yankey (called back into action at the half) took two intelligent touches after receiving a Rachel Unitt through ball and flicked it over a once-again overcommitted Kaihori.
The tempo did not subside after the 66th minute goal. Bardsley had more heroics in store, spreading to stop Iwabuchi, collecting everything Kawasumi tried to through into the area, and punching clear all of Miyama’s trickery. Her positioning was impeccable. Overall, a real football fan’s game. The girls put on a thoroughly entertaining show.
Wednesday--------
Equatorial Guinea vs. Brazil
vs. 
vs.
Tossed from the Olympics over Jade Soho, we’re not quite
done with the “Black Queens” yet. The whole football world is salivating over
Anonman. She’s pulling a Dennis Rodman, dying her cornrows a different color of
the Equatorial Guinean flag each match. Round One gave green streaks and
matching shoes. Her hair matched the red Unis in round two. Two colors remain
with the smart money going on blue.
African Germans have fallen in love with this
hybrid-Brazilian side… “Wir sind stolz auf euch” read the signs. Another fun
fact is that the AU Summit meeting Malabo debriefed early on Sunday so that the
delegates could watch the Equatorial Guinea-Australia match. Cool, no? With all
the depressing matters on the AU docket…the encroachment of Kordofan,
Museveni’s crackdown, the Somali P.M. succession struggle, the troop
contingents in Congo….why can’t we all just get together and watch football
more often?
Marta looks to have finally woken up, grabbing one of the
most thrilling braces I’ve ever seen. Her fancy footwork also set up the second
score. Marta’s “samba swagger” is sure to make her an overnight Youtube
sensation. Based on most of the preliminary feedback, it would appear that her
redefinition of scissor dribbling is all anyone wishes to focus on. Does this
mean that the Brazilians are an unstoppable force, a fearsome behemoth
thoroughly on par with their male counterparts? Not so fast.
All evidence points to Brazil as a “Two woman team”. Rosana
and Marta are capable of producing magic..if they can get the touches. The land
of the inspirational “Bolsa Familia” program needs to get more players involved
on the pitch. Fabiana has looked alarmingly ghastly at the back and it is
unclear whether Elaine will be a serviceable replacement. Formiga also never
appears to be involved. Lack of distribution and depth may yet come back to
haunt this team. Hence, I’ll set a low line and let the money do the rest of
the talking
THE
LINE: Brazil+1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Brazil 3, Equatorial Guinea 0. Yeooch. Pocketed some cash on the E.G. craze,
but was not happy to see my Bantu sisters go out like this. Anonman was
gracious as ever as the two captains swapped flags, called the coin toss, and
selected their field. A sporting match was in store…somewhat sullied by a
clumsy foul by Vania in the final minute.
The
Samba Queens set the tone early. Marta threaded in a nice ball in the 2nd
that either Erika or Christiane should have been able to latch onto. Defying
what anyone would have expected, both of them fanned on the follow-through.
Brazil engineering plenty of more improvisational plays in the opening half
hour, only for their synchronization to falter at the last moment. The immortal
goddess Anonman managed to squeeze in the razzle-dazzle we had all been
anticipating in the 23rd.
Brazilian goalkeeper Andreia astutely ran forward to meet her, squared her shoulders, and sacrificed her entire torso to block the point-blank rocket. Mirian and Bruna, fresh off their embarrassing scandal in the previous match, did well to get an appendage to Marta, whether she was twisting inside or launching a swerving strike.
Brazilian goalkeeper Andreia astutely ran forward to meet her, squared her shoulders, and sacrificed her entire torso to block the point-blank rocket. Mirian and Bruna, fresh off their embarrassing scandal in the previous match, did well to get an appendage to Marta, whether she was twisting inside or launching a swerving strike.
Four
minutes after the restart, Erika produced something akin to witchcraft. Mirian
could only paw away a Maurine cross. The rebound descended into Erika’s general
direction. In a stunning show of raw athletic ability she chested it down
towards her right foot, with which she volleyed it into the air. She
first-timed the volley with her left foot past a Mirian who could only stand
still in breathless admiration. A better combination of three touches I may
never witness. Magical stuff.
The
floodgates swung open. Six minutes later a Marta brimming with confidence shook
off four opponents down the left flank and crossed perfectly for Cristiane.
This time she couldn’t help but finish. The ball was delivered directly onto
her toe.
Cristiane treated us all to a cartwheel. No nip slip, but we did get some honey tummy. Cristiane would score again after the 93rd minute penalty, instigated by a genuinely unbecoming post block on Marta by Vania. Anonman gave us one final glitter bomb with a searing deke on Renata Costa and a shot that went nanometers wide. A somewhat harsh result for her and her squad in general.
Cristiane treated us all to a cartwheel. No nip slip, but we did get some honey tummy. Cristiane would score again after the 93rd minute penalty, instigated by a genuinely unbecoming post block on Marta by Vania. Anonman gave us one final glitter bomb with a searing deke on Renata Costa and a shot that went nanometers wide. A somewhat harsh result for her and her squad in general.
Time
to rank the departing women. You know the drill, mates. On a scale from one to
ten….
Equatorial
Guinea
Emiliana
|
8.8
|
Dorine
|
8.5
|
Anonman
|
8.4
|
Lucretia
|
8.0
|
Sinforosa Nguema
|
7.8
|
Blessing Diala
|
7.7
|
Natalia
|
7.2
|
Fatoumata Ndiaye
|
6.9
|
Carolina
|
6.7
|
Mirian
|
6.5
|
Laetitia
|
6.3
|
Ana Cristina
|
6.0
|
Gloria Chinasa
|
5.9
|
Christelle
|
5.6
|
Dulcia
|
5.4
|
Vania
|
5.2
|
Bruna
|
5.0
|
Adriana
|
4.7
|
Jumaria
|
3.9
|
Australia vs. Norway
vs. 
Five new starters for Australia in Round Two, a team that (not making this up) is MANDATED by the government to play a 4-3-3. In addition, they swapped out keepers. Prognosticating what sort of lineup these goofy Aussies will trot out in the critical match is as impossible as predicting which wounded animal my cats will bring home tomorrow.
We should definitely see Collette McCallum again, who is obviously their most skilled set piece player. Doubtful that left back Servet Uzunlar will be back, not after she foolishly started dribbling and had her pocket picked TWICE in the Equatorial Guinea Match. Ugh. Those are the kind of days that give a natural left fullback like myself nightmares. In the event that you missed it, here are both of the cringe-inducing gaffes (at 1:00 and 2:02 respectively)
Play it back to the keeper, girl!!
The Norwegians are one of two Scandinavian sides whose play
has me scratching my unusually sizeable head. What’s the matter girls? You
flirt with some impressive finesse play and then go home with sloppy, drunken
haphazardness? Watching the Norwegians crumble faster than a glacial cliff
face, I must say I haven’t been this disappointed with Norway since “Jan
Garbarek plays with a bunch of barking Sea Lions”. (Copyright ECM Records).
Yes, I will always continue to fall back on references to my favorite seductive
saxophonist.
In Norway we have yet another team that completely
overhauled their lineup for Round Two. Four new starters took to the pitch, one
can only assume because coach Eli Landsem is tactically obsessed. After Haavi
and Stensland played like inebriated otters, one doesn’t even know if the
holdovers are safe.
Two unpredictable sides run by tinkering trainers? The
quarterfinals at stake! That’s a right, gentleman. We have a pick. Enjoy.
THE
LINE: Pick 'em
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Australia 2, Norway 1. Backs against the wall they made it happen. A very good
game in Leverkusen….as loathe as I may be to write that sentence. In a furious
first half Norway’s Cecile Pederson and Australia’s Lisa de Vanna traded the
best chances. The former would have scored had Servet Uzunlar not redeemed
herself with a vital tackle. The latter made the most of her space, only to
find out that Hjelmseth was equal to her. A first half rife with chances came
to a close with the Norwegians seemingly a notch more dedicated.
All
hell broke loose ten minutes after the restart. Legendary “elf-girl” Emilie
Haavi couldn’t continue after an ankle sprain. Ingrid Hjelmseth also fell
victim to injury. One had the sense that two relatively green Norwegian substitutes
would shake things up. Substitute Kristine Wigdhal Hegland did play a minor
role in setting up Elise Thorsnes, who took advantage of a Melissa Barbieri
mistake to sling the ball into an untended net. A splendid sequence of passes
left Thorsnes with only the keeper to beat.
Barbieri charged well, but fell to the absolute wrong side, ruining any chance she had of cutting down or smothering Thorsnes. This mental lapse gave Thorsnes a 56th minute opening goal. No worries. Kyah Simon would make everything all right one minute later. Before the Norwegians in the stands were done celebrating, Lisa de Vanna snatched possession from a poorly dribbling Ronning and, sensing that Simon was running with her, fed the Boston Breakers Striker for a sensational equalizer.
Barbieri charged well, but fell to the absolute wrong side, ruining any chance she had of cutting down or smothering Thorsnes. This mental lapse gave Thorsnes a 56th minute opening goal. No worries. Kyah Simon would make everything all right one minute later. Before the Norwegians in the stands were done celebrating, Lisa de Vanna snatched possession from a poorly dribbling Ronning and, sensing that Simon was running with her, fed the Boston Breakers Striker for a sensational equalizer.
Over
the course of the remaining thirty-three minutes, a tense match with plenty of
mutual chances unfolded. Simon nearly struck again in the 66th while
Ronning clanked the crossbar with a free kick in the 83rd. The
deciding goal came three minutes from time, Simon the recipient of a suave
cross from Carroll. This time the Sydney girl would collect her brace with an
awesome header.
Time
to rank the departing women. You know the drill, mates. On a scale from one to
ten….
Norway
Cecille
Pederson
|
9.4
|
Marita
Skammelsrud Lund
|
9.1
|
Kristine
Wigdhal Hegland
|
8.9
|
Hedda
Gardsjord
|
8.8
|
Lene
Mykaland
|
8.3
|
Guro
Knutsen Mienna
|
8.2
|
Emile
Haavi
|
7.9
|
Ingrid Ryland
|
7.8
|
Nora
Holstad Berge
|
7.4
|
Ingrid
Hjelmseth
|
6.8
|
Elise
Thorsnes
|
6.7
|
Maren
Mjelde
|
5.9
|
Madeline
Giske
|
5.5
|
Runa
Vikestad
|
5.4
|
Trinne
Ronning
|
5.2
|
Gry
Tofte Ims
|
5.0
|
Leni
Larsen Kaurin
|
4.9
|
Isabell
Herlovsen
|
4.8
|
Ingvild
Stensland
|
4.7
|
North Korea vs. Columbia
vs. 
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. Charlie Rose interviews Jean Claude Trichet while you eat flavorless oatmeal stone cold sober. Difficult to discern any reason to tune into this one.
As I wrote above:
“Ordinarily, meaningless farewell matches are an opportunity
to observe entirely fresh lineups featuring young, hungry players with nothing
to lose and everything to prove. Accordingly, they can be high-scoring affairs
that feature some stunning displays of creativity.”
Doesn’t look like we’ll see that here. To begin with, the
North Korean team actually hasn’t been eliminated from the tournament. After
the international feed was cut off near the end of the USA Match, the North
Korean girls came back to score 11 goals in the final twenty minutes and defeat
the Yankee imperialists 11-2. There were similar technical difficulties during
the Sweden match (damn the luck) and the North Korean population was unable to
witness the five goals scored by the socialist heroines that the entire world
is talking about.
At present, the People’s Team has sailed into the quarterfinals and has but one meaningless match left to play before a jealous and embarrassed FIFA forces a dubious disqualification merely to spite the illustrious and universally celebrated leader who once shot eighteen consecutive holes-in-one. In light of this unavoidable injustice, it is imperative that Dear Leader be honored with nothing but the finest first-string players. Anyone failing to exert maximum effort shall be fed to Kim Jong-un upon return.
At present, the People’s Team has sailed into the quarterfinals and has but one meaningless match left to play before a jealous and embarrassed FIFA forces a dubious disqualification merely to spite the illustrious and universally celebrated leader who once shot eighteen consecutive holes-in-one. In light of this unavoidable injustice, it is imperative that Dear Leader be honored with nothing but the finest first-string players. Anyone failing to exert maximum effort shall be fed to Kim Jong-un upon return.
We might see some Colombian reserves….but considering it is
doubtful we’ll even see Colombia again in four years, we’ll forget about all of
them quicker than that time we finally figured out what a Credit Default Swap
is. Yawn. Who cares?
THE
LINE: Korea DPR+1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
North Korea 0, Columbia 0. And Christ was it boring. Trying to write something
interesting about this game is harder than writing a review of “Bucky Larson”.
According to the official stats, thirty-three shots were registered. I remember
none of them. In fact, I don’t even remember watching this match in spite of
the fact that I surely did. I don’t even fucking remember what mind-numbing
activity I engaged in while this match played out. Suddenly I’m Nora Ephron. “I
Remember Nothing”. What has become of me?
Time
to rank the departing women. You know the drill, mates. On a scale from one to
ten….
North
Korea
As
previously emphasized, there will be no analysis of the roided-up victims of a
Socialist Republic. As I’ve said numerous times, they are all beautiful.
They’re all perfect tens on the inside.
Columbia
Liana
Salazar
|
7.8
|
Yorelli
Rincon
|
7.7
|
Daniela
Montoya
|
7.5
|
Nataly
Arias
|
7.4
|
Kelis
Peduzine
|
7.4
|
Tatiana
Arize
|
7.4
|
Natalia
Gaitan
|
6.9
|
Sandra
Sepulveda
|
5.9
|
Yulleht
Dominguez
|
5.6
|
Fatima
Montano
|
5.5
|
Lady
Andrade
|
5.4
|
Carmen
Rodallega
|
5.3
|
Catalina
Usme
|
5.1
|
Andrea
Peralta
|
4.7
|
Ingrid
Vidal
|
4.3
|
Katerin
Castro
|
4.1
|
Orinaco
Velasquez
|
4.1
|
Diana
Ospina
|
3.3
|
Yuli
Munoz
|
2.7
|
USA vs. Sweden
vs. 
Okay. Absolutely have to share this with you. Discretion and anonymity are the founding principles of our little sportsbook and I promise they shall be maintained. One of you sent me an e-mail, in which I was reminded that Monday’s tournament break was scheduled explicitly for America’s Fourth of July Holiday. Yes, we all have brain farts on occasion. Don’t feel too bad. The idea of the entire world stopping the presses for your country’s grill fest is…….cute. “I vunce agane vish you all a happy “Fouffof” July”. Happy Bastille Day while we’re at it.
Damn you, Swedes! I vouch for your unmistakable prowess and
you serve up one of the worst stinkers I’ve ever witnessed! Such debacles are
common on the men’s side, with 90+ minutes of mind-numbingly boring football
polished only slightly by a piece of magic from Ibrahimovic. I should have
known better L The highlight of that game was watching Annica
Svenson dry hump Jo Yun Mi as she tried to draw a foul. What a boring team!
Even their celebration dance (reminiscent of a Pagan fertility festival) didn’t
get me excited.
The news gets worse for the Swedes. Caroline Sager is out on
a double yellow. Devastating stuff. On nearly every team there exists a crucial
midfielder who makes everything happen, drawing over other players to release
the strikers, allowing defenders the opportunity to spring forward, and
managing the flanks to open-up the lateral game.
The loss of a directing midfielder can be likened to the loss of a testicle. The effect on the traffic of the group may be negligible…or the players might decide to invade Russia. I’ve got that sinking feeling the “blaugult” will be running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off.
The loss of a directing midfielder can be likened to the loss of a testicle. The effect on the traffic of the group may be negligible…or the players might decide to invade Russia. I’ve got that sinking feeling the “blaugult” will be running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off.
To everyone who commented on Megan Rapinoe’s dykish haircut,
I’d like to remind you that attractive straight women ARE allowed to have short
hair. Have you all gone Pentecostal on me?! A friendly warning: If anyone comes
barreling towards me howling and screeching about their “Holy Ghost Power”, I
will SHOOT ON-SITE!
Let’s talk about your “kick-ass” squad. Three scorchers from
O’Reilly, Rapinoe, and Lloyd! The impressive debuts of Tobin Heath and Lori
Lindsey expose how very deep (and scary) your team is. You need not worry about
the three blown finishes from Amy Rodriguez or Wambach’s poor form. Should
their game continue to suffer, Alex Morgan and Lauren Cheney have had an above
average tournament thus far, making them very capable of stepping in. Sundhagen
was smart to rest Boxx, who will be a fresh beast of a midfield presence in
this match.
This one will be no contest. Wambach breaks jinx, the
Mustang totals the Volvo C30, and “Sam’s Angels” roll right into America’s
hearts. Is that a sufficient note to end on? Bah. Let’s give someone a betting
credit:
“The U.S. will screw these disappointing Swedish Women so
hard they’ll be quiefing for a solid week.”
What?
THE
LINE: USA +2
Revised
Championship Odds (note: This will be your final chance to bet on overall
championship odds)
Germany
2-1
USA
2-1
Sweden
3-1
Brazil
3-1
France
4-1
Japan
4-1
England
8-1
Norway
9-1
Mexico
9-1
Australia
10-1
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Sweden 2, USA 1. Wow. What transpired ended up being immaterial anyway. One
might still question Sundhage’s obstinate decision to deploy Rodriguez
alongside Wambach. Yes, she’s a very talented girl, but Rapinoe can only do so
much on the left wing. Rapinoe replaced O’Reilly when she should have been
replacing Rodriguez. Other than this switch, there were no changes to a U.S.
side that grossly underachieved for the full 90.
Neither
side appeared subdued during the initial quarter of an hour. Carli Lloyd hit a
fierce drive that Lindhal fortuitously saved. Hope Solo also came through on a
Lotta Schelin breakaway. An odd challenge led to a 15th minute
Sweden penalty. Amy Lepeilbet challenged Schelin for a loose ball in the box.
Though Lepeilbet’s “flying ninja move” was certainly absurd, replays verify
that the 50-50 didn’t necessarily bring Schelin down.
As inconclusive as we fans might find it, it won't change the fact that Linda Dahlkvist swept the spot kick past Hope Solo, even after she guessed correctly. More misfortune rained down upon Sam’s Angels when Nilla Fischer’s free kick took a ludicrous deflection off the wall and bounced straight back to her. She only had to tap in a gimmie to make it 2-0 in the in the 36th.
As inconclusive as we fans might find it, it won't change the fact that Linda Dahlkvist swept the spot kick past Hope Solo, even after she guessed correctly. More misfortune rained down upon Sam’s Angels when Nilla Fischer’s free kick took a ludicrous deflection off the wall and bounced straight back to her. She only had to tap in a gimmie to make it 2-0 in the in the 36th.
All
was certainly not lost for the “Sundhage Sistas”, especially after Abby Wambach
pulled one back in the 67th. Finally the curse was broken. Wambach
re-established her amazing aerial ability with a relaxed and professional
header off a corner. The U.S. pressed hard for the equalizer. Coming closest
was my sweetie pie Kelley O’Hara. Cheney set her up with a flashy square.
The poor Stanford Alum just barely failed to connect. A frustrating day for your friendly bookie, even if he made a bit of money from misplaced American pride. Sad to see Kelley O’Hara fail to finish. I personally would love to assist her in finishing…..I think that’s enough for today.
The poor Stanford Alum just barely failed to connect. A frustrating day for your friendly bookie, even if he made a bit of money from misplaced American pride. Sad to see Kelley O’Hara fail to finish. I personally would love to assist her in finishing…..I think that’s enough for today.
