Introduction—Group A “New and Ex-Europe” (Poland, Greece,
Russia, Czech Republic)
By convention each tournament features both a “Group of
Life” and a “Group of Death”.
Three of the four countries in this bracket brought forth some stunning
overachieving in previous tournaments, all the more reason to label it the former.
Any honest assessment of the assembled talent leads one to conclude that all
four squads deserve a “mediocre” designation. Literally anything is possible
when four average elevens duel it out round-robin style. Co-hosts Poland
convened a very competent collection of Bundesliga and Premiership players.
Yet, as automatic qualifiers, they’ve not played any full speed matches as a
cohesive unit. Another factor contributing to an overall hesitancy to back
“Biale Orly” (The White Eagles) concerns Poland’s lack of experience in Europe.
In their only other EM appearance four years ago, they were thoroughly
clobbered.
The Greeks may posture Tsipras-style all they wish. Without
Rehhagel they’ll have difficulty executing their old defensive trap. Moreover,
the aging offense has been anemic throughout the qualifying stages. Look for a
quick Gre“xit” from the “Piratikos”. (No that last sentence did not betray my
feelings on the current EU crisis, which are far more complicated). Dick
Advocaat’s (Schwanz Befürworter’s) Russia relies predominantly on two superstars,
both of whom were recently dropped by their respective London clubs. Running a
two-man team becomes considerably more difficult when your two men have
suddenly been demoted. An acute lack of depth could either sink the Russians or
provide space for new heroes. Finally we have the Czechs, a totally overhauled
team you will barely recognize. Those who you’ll remember are no longer the
players they once were.
Your friendly bookie struggles to find something that
transcends the cliché “All bets are off”, particularly in light of the fact
that all bets are DEFENITELY NOT off. Suffice to say that it remains easy to
see any team other than the Greeks topping this group. Tomorrow we’ll preview,
the “Group of Death”. That group will send two talented teams to the
quarterfinals that will in all likelihood demolish whoever emerges from this
bracket. And on that happy note, let’s break down all four ill-fated
countries.
Poland
“Bialo-Czerwoni” (The White and Reds) are bloody well fed up with being Europe’s bitch. As difficult as it may be to fathom, this country was once one of the continent’s heavyweights. During the Golden Era stretching from 1974 to 1982, they finished third at the World Cup Finals twice and won an Olympic Gold medal. Everything went to shit after a Round of 16 termination in the 1986 World Cup. Within four years the Iron Curtain would fall and Western Europe (notably Germany) pilfered all of their most promising players. The new borderless, integrated, and irreversibly globalized geopolitical age would eventually be defined as “The Generation of ‘Non-polarity’” Though the somewhat wonkish term refers to the information age’s capacity to disperse both power and populations, one might utilize it as the cruelest of puns when discussing Poland’s brain drain and football player flight. “Play for Poland?” players such as Borowski, Podolski, Klose, and Trochowksi surely asked themselves. Nah. Fuck that. “I’ll attain better prestige in my new country,” they surely concluded.
Accordingly, the pitiable Poles had to wait another sixteen
years before they even qualified for another major tournament. The Koreans
humiliated them in 2002, while the Krauts ran roughshod over their old nemesis
in 2006 and 2008. Mostly they had the misfortune to be drawn into very tough
groups. Not this time. The “luck of the draw” finally favors the team with the
Candy Cane uniforms. A decidedly weak group, a intriguing mix of talent, and an
noticeably more confident/assertive nation should see these Barber Shop Polls
through to the group stages for the first time in 26 years. In the vent you
haven’t been following the latest Euro crisis all that closely, the Polish
government has proven remarkably adept at speaking truth to power. Yes, that’s
Tusk and Komorowski chastising the German procrastination machine for their
tendency to waste at least three weeks bitching, another three weeks closely
scrutinizing the state election polls, and then finally proposing a halfhearted
solution that will help nothing and satisfy no one outside of
Mecklenburg-Vorpommern. Go ahead, Poles. Nice to see you’ve reclaimed some of
your pride and courage.
Franciszek Smuda fears no one, not even Hanalore Kraft. He’s
put together a team anchored by a “magical trio” of stars from German league
and cup champions Borussia Dortmund. Up front we have the young striker Robert
Lewandowski, coming off a spectacular season during which he scored 22 goals
and was named Bundesliga player of the year. Further back in midfield, Poland’s
new captain Jacob Blaszczykowski is Dortmund’s speedy and creative passing
general. Keeping things in order at the back, it’s Lukas Piszech, a former
striker with blazing speed that Dortmund converted to a versatile right back.
Keep an eye on Arsenal’s new number one, keeper Wojicech
Szczesny. Arguably it has been his inspired play alone that enabled a talent
thin Gunners club to finish in the top four this season. Other top-flight names include Turin’s
Kamil Glik, Mainz’s Eugen Polanski, Bremen’s Sebastian Boenisch, Bordeaux’s Ludovic
Obraniak, and Celtic’s Pavel Brozek. Dead weight that Smuda and the boys can
rejoice at being rid of are the retired Zurawski, Jacek Bak, and Michal
Zewlakov.
Welcome back, Poles!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
If
only this incarnation of the Polish Squad had somehow managed to rise to the
occasion furnished by such soaring rhetoric. Sadly, the hosts failed to even
register a win. Smuda was unceremoniously removed one day after the humiliating
failure of the Poles to advance past the group stage. He now coaches SSV Jahn
Regensburg in the nether regions of the German Bundesliga.
A Public Service Announcement from your Friendly
Bookie
So you say you’re a casual American fan and find yourself
inconsolably perturbed by all the unpronounceable names printed above. I
concede they look as if a wayward cat sauntering across the keys could have
typed them. Wishing you could buy a vowel aren’t we? No worries, dearest mates. Your friendly bookie to the
rescue with “The Official Polish Elocution Key”. Another year of watching
entirely too much football allows me to provide inflection assistance on a language
more consonant-laden than a vomited bowl of alphabet soup (for some reason a
drunken liver metabolizes the vowels first). Let us embark:
1) Wojiech Szczesny = [Voy-Czech SHEZ-Nee]
2) Lucasz Piszczek = [Luke-HAAS Pee-SHEK]
3) Jakub Wawrznyiak = [YAH-kup Whoa-z-ni-ACK] (like the
Apple co-founder)
4) Grzegorz Wojtkowiak = [Gre-GORE Watch-cove-VEE-ACK]
5) Jakub Blaszczykowski = [YAH-kup Blah-Sheh-cow-ski]
6) Adrian Meirzejewski = [Adrian Meer-ZAH-jev-ski]
7) Adam Matuszczyk = [Adam Maht-TU-Shook]
The problem with Polish….er that is to say ONE of the
problems with Polish, stems from the inconsistency with which the letter “w” is
treated. One can rely on Germans to pronounce it like an English ‘v”, but the
Polish remains inconsistent with its consonants as brutally as English is with
the vowels. The “zn”, “cz”, “sz”, and “zc” groupings also cause major headaches
as they fail to lend themselves to a dependable rule of thumb.
Projecting the Polish Lineup (4-2-3-1)
Robert Lewandowski
|
Maiciej Rybus Ludovic Obraniak
Jakub Blaszczykowski
|
Dariusz Duka
Eugen Polanski
|
Jakub Wawrzyniak A. Glowacki Gregzegorz Wojtkowiak
L. Piszczech
|
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Szcesny
has since struggled indelibly to regain his status as Arsenal’s # 1. Robert
Lewandowski netted another 23 goals over the course of another dynamite
Dortmund campaign. Blaszzykowski shows now signs of slowing down either. He’s
turned in 11 for the (ideally) next European champions. Pisczech maintains fine
form as well, meaning the “magical trio” remains in tact. Polanski has mostly struggled with
injury along with Matuszcyk. As of this update, the Polish chances of
qualifying for Brazil remain slim. The surprise Montenegrins have them on the
ropes. T’would be a pity if the White Eagles missed out on next Summer’s
festivities. A solid core could feasibly provide us with some fireworks.
Greece
Dammit! Who told the Greeks we were getting together? Fuck. I specifically told you not to invite them! Who hell gave out the directions to the party? I tell you, whoever fed them the address, THERE WILL BE BLOOD! Oh well. Having most assuredly earned their qualification spot with an undefeated run, one cannot even begin to argue that they don’t belong here. Might as well make the most of it.
Legendary coach Otto Rehhagel walked off the plank of the
Greek Pirate Ship hours after their final loss in the 2010 World, just as he
had indicated he wished to. The search was then on for a coach with both
international and Greek domestic experience who could also preserve Rehhagel’s
commitment to compact, disciplined defending. A top priority revolved around the
preservation of the so-called “Teamgeist” (referring in this instance to a
special sense of solidarity) that he had instilled. The Hellenes shocked the
world with TWO upset victories of host Portugal en route to the 2004 European
championship. They accomplished this absent any real superstar or regular goal
scorer. Following this success, it instantly became a pillar of the Greek
football identity: their team should eschew the limelight, preferring to win as
a collective lot of hardworking nobodies. The new head coach would have to
sustain this suddenly sacred tenet.
Less than a week after Rehhagel resigned the Hellenic
Football Federation announced they had found their man. In a deliciously ironic
twist, the person charged with safeguarding the flame would be Portuguese.
Former Benfica right back Fernando Santos had accrued enough command of the
Greek language through his gigs as top-trainer at AEK Athens and PAOK
Thessaloniki. His selection proved to be inspired. Not only did “To Pirakito”
breeze through the qualifiers undefeated, their 14 goals came from 11 separate
goalscorers. The team appears tactically well coordinated, both crisp and
versatile in their distribution. Rehhagel would be proud. Actually, considering
he’s still alive, we’ll go ahead and assume that he IS proud.
Of course, the qualifiers are behind us. What can we expect
from a team that, once again, faces the uphill task of opening up proceedings
against the host country? Please feel free to believe that one might capture
lightning in a bottle twice if you so desire. From my vantage point, a
dangerously thin talent pool is poised for a flop of monumental proportions.
Reliable and cool-headed playmakers such as Stelios Giannakopoulos, Traianos
Dellas, Angelos Basinas, Sotiros Kyrakos, and Ionnis Amanatidis will be sorely
missed. Very much a country in transition, the Pirates find themselves overly
dependent on a handful of nineteen to twenty-four-year-olds to pick up some
very conspicuous slack. Of course, plenty of the old hats do return, suggesting
that there shall be no distinct dearth of leadership. Captain Georgios
Karagounis, now nearly thirty-six-years-old returns to calm down the youngsters
in midfield. He’s now been capped an incredible 115 times for his country. His
Panathanikos partner Konstantin Katsouranis also returns, virtually
guaranteeing that the Hellene defensive midfield will be extremely difficult to
trespass. Nikis Liberopolous, Georgios Samaras, Theofanis Gekis, and Dimitrios
Salpingidis are easily the most experienced striking corps in the tournament
with over 250 Caps among them.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
The
Pirates defied all odds and punched through to the Quarterfinals. They managed
this feat following a languid draw, a torpid loss, and a listless win.
Dinosaurs Gekas, Salgigidis, and Karagounis furnished the goals…..all three of
them. Lucky bastards. No team that averages one goal per game should advance
out of the group. Oh well. I suppose their fans deserved some luck. Greeks were
given something to cheer for, all of the millions of unemployed ones.
A mature set of strikers of course matters very little to a
team with so little offensive ambitions. The Greeks remain primarily a
counterattack team, focused on keeping tight at the back in search of a few
cherry-picked chances. This constitutes a continuation of Rehhagel’s system. In
order for it work, Papadopoulos, and Papastathopolous will have to play
virtually mistake free. The easily confused duo are familiar names to anyone
who regularly follows the German Bundesliga. The latter occasionally dazzles
for Werder Bremen, but mostly wanders around in a pontificative circle like the
philosophers in that Monty Python Sketch. (Incidentally, his first name happens
to be “Sokratis” or “Socrates”). Kyriakos Papadopoulos plays for Schalke 04, a
perennial Bundesliga contender known for retaining the mantle of “most boring
football team on the planet” year after year. No one from Schalke, other than
Neuer, has ever played well on the grand stage. (See: Kuranyi, Kevin). I don’t
expect this kid to either.
There’s yet another Papadopoulos to tell you about:
Olympiakos fullback Avraam Papadopoulos. For those keeping track, that's two
Papadopouloses and one Papastathopoulos. Then there’s my Greek cousin, whom I
haven’t phoned up since the 2004 tournament: Viceis Papapeteros. In order to
avert confusion, all four have indicated that they may be referred to by their
first names. Sokratis, Kyriakos, Avraam, and Viceis respectively. I pledge I
will find time to give Viceis a ring before this Sportsbook concludes.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Sadly,
neither one of them opted to show up.
A Public Service Announcement from your Friendly
Bookie
Greek electoral constellation got you down? You’re by no
means alone. Such high hopes after Papandreou ceded to the technocratic Papademos.
Now the antics of Papariga have us almost missing Papakonstantinou. The whole
subject elicits plenty of profanity-laced tirades in my household, especially
from my aging father (re-christened for the purposes of this riff
“Papalardass”).
Speaking of the riff, let’s get off it and talk more
earnestly for a second. We’re gonna try this again, Hellenes. This time we need
a coalition that will at least in spirit agree to back the agreements signed by
the caretaker unity government. With everyone including Merkel striking a more
Keynesian tone, there’s every reason to believe that some of the harsher
stipulations may be MODESTLY re-negotiated. For instance, Schäuble seems to
think we can loosen the rigidity of the debt-to-GDP ratio temporarily. I fear most
of the rest of the austerity measures must remain. We’ve already negotiated
billions in write-downs and have little room to do anything else. Yes, it’s a
painful recession of epic proportions, but don’t kid yourselves. Matters could
always be worse. Tsipras’s latest brinkmanship only succeeds in placing the
ball back in our court rhetorically. Exit the Eurozone and you will indeed make
life much more troublesome for us. If you think it’s worth absolutely
destroying yourselves to make a point, consider a self-immolation allegory.
Making one’s protest point in such a striking way may garner attention of the
more sought-after variety. Guess what? You’re STILL ON FIRE, MOTHERFUCKER!
Unless you’ve been printing Drachmas in secret (actually not
a bad idea at all), you’re totally fucked. Think a quarterly GDP drop of 6.8%
hurts? Try tripling it. One hundred thousand bankrupt companies? Multiply it by
ten. Reduced social services? How about NO social services; a government that
delivers you money already rendered worthless before you can make it the
market. What remains of your economic infrastructure will be tied up in
litigation hell for decades as MNCs seek to collect in Euros. Even the Drachmas
you furtively printed will be of no help there. Zero Exports or Imports.
Endless lawsuits. Complete economic isolation. A post-apocalyptic landscape
where even nutritional needs are hard to come by. Fuck making yogurt, feta, or
any other delicacy. Better slaughter that goat now before your neighbor gets
his hands on it. DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELVES.
As bad an idea as the Single Currency might have been, as
much as you feel your corrupt leaders sold you out, as disingenuously preachy
as Germans can be (believe me I know this firsthand) about EVERYTHING that they
don’t even remotely understand, we are were we are and must come to grips with
reality. Please submit a workable constellation. Not so much for the
high-and-mighty jerk-offs who scowl down upon you from their imaginary
pedestals. Do it for yourselves. Send this Tsipras cat, who perpetually keeps
his foot in his mouth and his head up his ass, packing along with your Neo-Nazi
“Golden Dawn” thugs.
According to my, albeit crude, calculations, you came in
only 7.37 percent under a potentially workable coalition. Take this away from
SYRIZA, KKE, and XA. If you feel so rotten about giving it to ND, PASOK, LAOS,
pump it into ANEL, DIMAR, OP, DISY, or EK just to name a few. 7.37 % Say it
with me. 7.37 %! 7.37%!!
Yes we can! 7.37%! Yes we can!
Yes we can! 7.37%! Yes we can!
Yes we can! 7.37%! Yes we can!
WE ARE THE 7.37%!
This is what democracy looks like!
Someone bring me a black armband and a megaphone!
WE ARE THE 7.37%!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
FINAL
GREEK ELECTION RESULTS:
ND—29.66%
(18.85%)
SYRIZA—26.89%
(16.9%)
PASOK—12.28% (13.18%)
ANEL—7.51% (10.62%)
XA—6.92% (6.97%)
DIMAR—6.52% (6.25%)
They
listened. Europe was grateful. Go Greeks ; )
Projecting the Greek Lineup (4-3-3)
Theofanis Gekas
|
Georgios Samaras Dimitros Salpingidis
|
Sotiros Ninis
Georgios Karagounis
|
Konstantinos
Katsouranis Alexandros
Tziolis
|
N. Spyropoulos Sokratis Avraam V. Torosidis
|
Russia
Transmit THIS information to Vladimir: His team is wildly overrated. A broad consensus coalesces around Schwanz Befürworter’s “Sbornaia”, group-thinking them all the way up to the position of universal favorites to top this bracket. I myself remain unconvinced. One may recall that I designated the 2008 Russian squad “the best ever” whilst others all too laxly wrote them off. After Pavlyuchenko and Arshavin sprung to life and catapulted the Ruskies all the way to the semi-finals, everyone belatedly joined in. This year we may very well observe the inverse bandwagon phenomenon.
Too many incorrectly assume that this highly experienced
band of Zenit St. Petersburg and CSKA Moscow players will automatically
duplicate the previous effort. I acknowledge scrolling down the selection that
Advocaat has retained faith in over a dozen players with 60 or more caps.
Herein lies the problem. Old Schwanz Befürworter appears to behave as if he’s
already semi-retired. He’s not shook up this team in the manner that their
non-2010 qualification necessitated.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Old
Schwanz-Befürworter managed to fail in a way no one thought possible. After a
stunning upset victory in the opening round, he picked lousy lineups for the remaining
two matches. It takes real talent to fuck things up to that extent. I should
hire him to write for the Syndicate. : ) : ) Under his watch, PSV finished a
predictable second in the Eredivisie. Well done, Schwanz Befürworter.
I’d be more pleased to once more invest fidelity in Advocaat’s
approach, much as I did when he coached the Dutch (twice), the South Koreans,
Zenit, Rangers, and AZ Alkmaar. The man racks up successes the way I down
beers. Let’s not forget, however, that he has produced sub par results as well.
He had less than stellar stints with Belgium and the U.A.E. He tanked in
Mönchengladbach. Of most exigent concern is his impending departure to PSV
Eindhoven effective July 1st. Perhaps Dick doesn’t have one foot in
retirement, but has simply checked out. Looking at this archaic club of fragile
egos, it seems reasonable to conclude.
We begin with Roman Pavyluchenko, a tournament all-star back
in 2008. Advocaat judged him a “sleeping giant”, and he rose to the occasion
with a magnificent performance that earned him a fat £14 million paycheck at
White Hart Lane. Though he would score 21 goals for Harry Redknapp’s Spurs over
the next 3 ½ years, he exhibited a precipitous drop in form towards the end of
the contract that left him expendable. After being placed on the football equivalent
of waivers CSKA and Spartak Moscow showed no interest in him. He ended up
signing for half his worth with the current third best Moscow club, Lokomotiv,
and has spent most of the last three months on the bench. Andrei Arshavin has
also steadily played less of a role for the Gunners at the Emirates over the
years. By January Wegner wasn’t even considering starting him. In desperation
he secured a last-minute transfer to Zenit St. Petersburg in order to get
enough playing time to maintain tournament fitness levels. Bottom line: Both
players are in the midst of a steep decline, an unfortunately all-too-common
occurrence for players entering their thirties.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
In
Spite of a halfway decent tournament, Pavyluchenko wasn’t called up from
Lokomotiv.
Other questionable selections include Igor Semshov and
Konstantin Zyranov in the packed midfield. What Yuri Zhirkov is still doing at
the back after Chelsea dumped him and every respectable Russian club passed on
him is beyond me. Not trusting the madman in charge of Anzhi Mackhachkala. He
throws good money after bad like a drunken stockbroker on a cocaine binge.
Likewise, anchoring midfielder Roman Shirokov is a mercurial at best.
Reportedly, he and Advocaat have come to one of those understandings that
propelled Pavlyuchenko in 2008. I’ll certainly believe it when I see it.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Semshov
wasn’t called up either. Zyranov didn't earn a call up. Ditto Shirokov. Guus
Hiddink has recently been named the new manager of Anzhi Mackachkala. We all
know what that means….
If the front is full of either average players or
deteriorating hotheads, Russian fans may take solace in the stabilizing
presence of Moscow’s granite giant Sergei Ignashevich. Now capped 73 times,
this enormous iron curtain of a man captains one supremely stingy back line that
only gave up four goals throughout the entire qualifying stages. Alexander
Anyukov and Alexei Berezutski are also determined defensive stalwarts likely to
frustrate any attempts at offense by the other anemic teams in the group.
Perhaps the Sbornia should be considered favorites after all. Certainly not
before Schwanz Befürworter makes some bold decisions, however.
First, backup keeper Vyacheslav Malafeev stepped up big time
after Igor Akinfeev went down with an injury last autumn. Malafeev strung together
a scoreless streak that spanned over 500 minutes, a new record for the
qualifying stages. Advocaat must give the red hot Zenit backstop serious
consideration, especially after Akinfeev has not recovered well. Next, the late
season form of Stuttgart and later Fulham’s Pavel Pogrebnyak should elevate him
to the starting position at lone striker. Advocaat faces serious problems with
the group of squabbling has-beens. In addition to the wounded pride of
Arshavin, the recently supplanted Alexander Kerzhakov further complicates the
Prima Donna show. The solution happens to be simple: Sit them all and start
Pogrebnyak. Clearly he’s a player entering full bloom. It’s his turn.
A Public Service Announcement from your Friendly
Bookie
At first glance it may appear that the Ruskies have some
unpronounceable names. In point of fact, they’ve been translated from the Cyrillic
precisely so that you can pronounce them with the greatest of ease. Not buying
it? I’ll show you:
1) Pavel Pogrebnyak = [PAH-ville POH-greb-NI-ACK]
2) Sergei Ingashevich = [Sir-gay Ing-GAH-shev-itch]
3) Roman Pavlyuchenko = [Row-man Pav-LI-OOH-Cheng-KO]
See? Simple. All one needs is a few seconds to carefully
plod through the letters. Get up to speed on those Russian names as we’re
headed there for World Cup 2018. I mean…it’s not as if you don’t have enough
time, but why procrastinate?
Yes, so long as I considered it fair to ramble on about
Greek elections, I suppose I should say a word or two concerning the 2011
Russian Parliamentary elections and the recent presidential elections. True,
the suppression of dissent remains highly disconcerting, as do many of these
toothless puppet “loyal opposition” parties. Media censorship blows, even if
most of the populace can find away around it. Corruption, stagnation, propaganda……look.
I’ll throw my lot in with the OSCE and assess the non-Orwellian results as
largely fair. To an outside observer, the steadily sinking poll numbers of
United Russia would seem to suggest the country is on the right track away from
oligarchy. Absolutely loving these new Perestroika Protests, essentially
ongoing for the last eight months. Love me some Nemstov, Bykov, Shenderovich,
and Shevchuk. I love people braving frigid weather to bum rush and flash mob
public parks. You’re absolutely correct. They can’t stop you all.
So Putin has generously allocated a new SIX-year term for
himself. So what? He can’t defeat the Internet. He doesn’t even know how to use
the Internet. He’s never sent an e-mail in his life. He doesn’t know how to use
a mouse. He doesn’t know what a
screensaver is. He hasn’t the faintest clue of how you organize yourselves.
This guy makes the late Ted Stevens look up to date. He may be correct in
opining that the net is “80 percent porn”. Hell, some days he may have it spot
on. Still, keep up the good work and he’ll abdicate before 2018. Er…have I
mentioned that we’re headed to Russia in 2018? Try the whole police state thing
when 30 million rowdy football fans descend on your country. Go ahead. Give it
a shot.
Projecting
the Russian Lineup (4-5-1)
Pavel Pogrebnyak
|
Andrei Arshavin Roman Pavlyuchenko Alexander Kokorin
|
Diniyar Biyaletdinov Konstantin
Zyryanov
|
Yuri Zhirkov Sergei Ingashevich Alexei
Berezutski
A. Anyukov
|
Czech Republic
Why the enigmatical fuck is everyone so down on the Czechs? Sure they finished second in their qualifying group and had to fend off a feisty Scottish side. Ahem. For everyone’s information: They were in a group with SPAIN for chrissake! True, this transitional club presently undergoes a massive generational changing of the guard, but when one considers the veterans they’ve lost, did they lose much other than dead weight? So they lost forty-year-old forward Jan Koller. How tragic. I do believe he had at least another millimeter of cartilage left in his right knee. Ujafalusi no longer graces us with his presence. Oh drat. I suppose we’ll have no one to go out clubbing with the night before the match. Pavel Nedved, Karel Pobrosky, Karel Brückner and the rest of the boys from the golden generation know find themselves practicing their knitting in some ramshackle retirement home. Good. It was a fitting time for a spot of housecleaning.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
All
hail Herr Commandant-Obergreifter-Stürmführer Vicey! To this day I remain
especially (if not pathetically) proud of this scout. Whilst Slavs from
Europe’s fertile doorstep continually bemoaned the loss of their heralded
Golden Generation, all an amateur odds maker needed was a bit of light research
and some ruthless intuition. Yeah, baby. Just call me “Ace Rothstein”!
After two years on the mend, team captain Thomas Rosicky
appears to have found his legs once more at the Emirates. Ditto Milan Barros,
who overcame a sluggish start to roll into peak form late in the season for
Galatasary. Keeper Peter Cech brought Chelsea all the way to the Champions
League crown. To be sure these three veterans are charged with an exceptionally
difficult task. They must find a way to force no fewer than twelve other
players with less than ten caps benefit from their experience and tutelage.
Beyond Barros, the striking corps is highly green, very much untested and
unproven. Better news awaits in midfield, where Wolfsburg’s budding star Petr
Jirasek is just waiting to burst. Another Bundesliga star, Leverkusen’s Michal
Kadlec will keep the Czechs in most every game with his orchestral direction of
the back line. If there’s one mantra worth repeated a thousand times about this
group, solid defense will allow any country to contend for the quarterfinals.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Jiracek
stormed onto the scene, netting two goals and earning “Man of the Match” honors
in the opening round. Both of his strikes proved crucial in securing momentum
for the surprising Czechs. At the moment he’s traversing some adversity in the
German Bundesliga after Felix Magath shipped him off to Hamburger SV. Kadlec
turned in a heroic performance at the back, including a magnificent clear off
the line in the final moments of the third group match.
New coach Michel Bilek ended up cutting one of the German
Bundesliga players I was truly hoping to see, Mainz’s Zdnech Pospech. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt
however, as space needed to be cleared for players like Hübschman and Plasil.
One will note that they are two additional veterans, from whom the new crew
will draw inspiration.
A Public Service Announcement from your Friendly Bookie
Ultimately, I believe the widespread dismissal of the Czechs
has everything to do with my old adversary: The FIFA Rankings. Repeat after me:
THE FIFA RANKINGS MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Sure, when one crosses a
country like Tanzania, usually ranked around 174th in the world, one
will trust the rankings and not wager on them. Same goes for a fiefdom like
Luxembourg or some wannabe Krauts like the Austrians. I still contend that
numbers one through seventy are utterly arbitrary. Sigh. At the very least, we
may revel in the fact that no one in this tournament is ranked below
sixty-five. Here are the current rankings of all tournament participants along
with my thoughts:
1) Spain 
Fair enough. Call them the team to beat. The #1 team in
American College Football may be overrated, but they can only defeat can knock
them off their perch.
2) Deutschland 
We’re spectacularly overrated. Given the state of our
current Kader, I would place us at #5, behind the Netherlands and Portugal. How
much worth do they ascribe to a victory against Azerbaijan?
4) Netherlands
See above. They have the World Footballer of the Year in van
Persie. This counts for nothing?
5) Portugal 
See above once again. The four-time runner up for world
footballer of the year (C. Ronaldo) counts for nothing? So they let the Danes
get ahead of them in qualifying. We’ve all let Danes get the better of us at
some point…usually when we were high in a Copenhagen café, but still…
7) England 
Er…someone at FIFA needs to be informed that Roy Hodgson is
now coaching this team. That should trigger an automatic plummet of at least
ten spots.
8) Croatia 
Hmmmm…okay. I’ll allow it, even though I too am afflicted
with a Spurs bias.
9) Denmark 
You can’t fucking be serious. Agger and Bendtner can’t
elevate Olsen’s Eleven this high
11) Russia
Grrrr…So long as we’re in the past, why not call them the
Soviet Union?
12) Italy 
Ahead of Chile, Cote d’Ivoire, AND Japan? Not a very big fan
of the state of Missouri, but you sure as hell better “show me” something
before you climb this high.
14) Greece
What planet are we living on? Have we all converted to
Mormonism and I’ve failed to notice? Charisteas against eleven random players
may warrant this ranking, but not a team of 23 guys who possess the talents of
his fingernail clippings.
16) France 
Again, you’ve got to “show me”. Show me something more than
topping a group that featured Bosnia-Herzegovina, Romania, Belarus, Albania,
and Luxemburg. I could assemble eleven random beer-bellied Americans who’ve
never heard of football to top that group. The Frogs in particular have a bevy
of bad karma to reverse.
17) Sweden
Sure. Why not? They might be ranked a little higher, but
I’ll accept it.
18) Ireland 
I may be crucified for this statement, but they’re way too
high. Ahead of Mexico, Paraguay, Slovenia, and the States? Afraid not. Not
until they power out of the group.
26) Czech Republic
Finally we arrive at the ranking that spawned the entire
exercise. Immensely harsh given that they’ve never failed to qualify for a
major tournament….until 2010. Okay, perhaps I’ll swallow some of my own
medicine and confess that they have something to prove.
49) Ukraine 
Heeeey. That’s not nice. What’s wrong with a bunch of
players from Dynamo Kiev and Shakhtar Donestk? At least they’re familiar with
each other’s styles!
65) Poland
Yeeeeouch. Why are you so mean? You put them behind Sierra
Leone, Gabon, Jamaica, Armenia, Morocco, Libya, Belgium, and El Salvador!! They
can’t possibly be THAT bad. Poor Poles. Vice still loves you.
Okay. Ranking 205 some odd countries, territories, and
protectorates that mostly only compete regionally is serious business….in that
it is seriously fucking hard. From what I understand about the algorithms, the
development of a statistical metric that can measure relative strength of
opponents appears to be the greatest challenge. I shall not pretend to be
intelligent enough to devise some alternative; I will broach the topic of
American Baseball’s Sabermetrics. American baseball (which I love as equally as
football) happens to be a far less spontaneous game, much more conducive to the
individual quantification of statistics. The calculations specifying each
individual player's OBP, AVG, WHIP, ERA, SLP, FHT, and literally dozens of
other stats cannot be replicated on the football pitch. Nevertheless, were we
to develop some sort of metric that adequately measures INDIVIDUAL player
strength would prove far more useful than what amounts to an
apples-to-spacecraft head-to-head nonsense we’re currently using.
There we are. I said it. In the words of Giovanni
Trappatoni, “Ich habe fertig”. (That should mean “I am finished”, but really
means “I am ready”) Agreeable point to end on.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Someone
needs to hire Giovannai Trapatonni away from Ireland! We cannot abide another
four years without this man!!
Projecting the Czech Lineup (4-3-3)
Milan Barros
|
Jan Rezek Thomas Necid
|
Jiri Stajner
|
Jan Polak Thomas
Rosicky
|
Michal Kadlec Roman Hubnik Tomas Sivok T. G. Selassie
|
Vicey’s
Fearless Group Prediction (2 to 1 odds for bookie):
1)
Poland
2) Czech
Republic
3)
Russia
4)
Greece
Overall
Championship Odds:
Poland
(7 to 1)
Czech
Republic (2 to 1)
Russia
(5 to 1)
Greece
(10 to 1)
Quarterfinal
Odds:
Poland
(Straight up)
Czech
Republic (Straight up)
Russia
(Straight up)
Greece
(3 to 1)
