Welcome to Europe Syndicate Members,
I bring you tidings from the gloriously picturesque campus of a highly accredited European technical institution. Radiant sunshine and a gentle spring breeze graces our presence. This Eden-like setting has succeeded in imbuing us all with a sense with a sense of sublime tranquility and unbridled optimism. Every last one has been seduced by the enchanting day: the birds pleasantly chirping in the shady trees, the bumbling absent-minded professors stumbling late to a lecture they forgot they were supposed to give, the schizophrenic graduate students pacing around reciting their presentations, even the skinny-jean clad, overly gelled hair hipster scum occupying the bench adjacent to mine discussing Kierkegaard. It is indeed a day doing it’s utmost to instill an indomitable sense of warmth, comfort, and hope to ALL of us below-average individuals preoccupied with mundane tasks. Yes Sir. Life is damn good.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Whoa.
One paragraph in and I’m already feelin’ it. Summer approaches..and I must
beseech everyone to: GET YOUR ASS
OUT OF THE HOUSE! Grab a book you’ve been meaning to read and head out to an
Outdoor Café, Bookshop, or University Library. Just go. It sure as hell beats
sitting at home watching the latest incarnations of “Mad Men” or “Breaking Bad”
(which I can assure you, are HUGE disappointments). Get out of the house. I
know it’s the last thing you feel like doing with your precious day off, but it
will be worth it in the end. Trust me.
Yes, I’m drinking. No, it’s not forbidden. Though one
shouldn’t falsely conclude that it is encouraged, I legitimately bought this
ONE EURO BEER (roughly 85 cents) from the bar next to the library. Shall we
allow that last sentence to sink in for a spell? Yes, “the bar NEXT TO the
library.” I’ll provide you with the precise measurements in both Metric and
Anglo. By “next to” I mean approximately 15 feet or 4.5 meters away. Welcome to
Europe, Gentlemen. As Vincent Vega would say, we do things “just a little bit
different” over here….at least for the time being. Were you to believe the
Cassandra Hacks working for The Economist, you’d almost be convinced that all
of this might disappear in a whiff of smoke emanating from a
bond-vigilante-mushroom-cloud next Tuesday. Well, I’ve news for everyone, even
the sensationally erudite: We are Europe and we’re not going anywhere….at least
not for the time being.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
One
year later: Yes, we’re still standing. We’re standing taller than ever before.
Even a full-fledged bank run couldn’t de-rail the common currency. Granted it
was a full-fledged “Cypriotic” Bank Run, but we still survived. The
much-maligned technocrats of the EU will always find a way. Deliver them a
tumultuous weekend, and they’ll simply find another way. Don’t dream of the
demise of the Euro Project. Regional integration only proceeds in one
direction. Period.
Speaking of Hack writers, an obscure ghost used these words
to describe Europe back in the fall of 2009:
“Bizarre Micro States galore! We’ve got ethic enclaves,
medieval fiefdoms, breakaway republics, “kingdoms” that have been a part of the
U.K. for 600 years, bitterly dived realms that can’t decide on a nationality,
new countries that were formed yesterday at 3:34 a.m. when no one was paying
attention, land’s whose teams have goats and sheep playing for them, States who
have survived centuries of warfare by functioning merely as a picturesque tax
shelter and a newly approved treaty that aims to make sense of the whole
tangled mess! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the quirky inheritor of feudal
Christendom… I give you a veritable patchwork quilt of technocrats squabbling
over milk subsidies. I give you EUROPE! (Turks, Israelis, Russians, Kazaks,
Azerbaijanis, and Nordic Colonial islands also welcome. Everyone join the
party!)”
The “treaty” at that specific juncture was Lisbon, rammed
through on a second try past an obstinately cautious Irish electorate. Now we
are pleased to present the EFSF (European Financial Stability Facility) and
it’s little, shier sister, the EFSM (European Financial Stability Mechanism).
Together they pack a punch of over 500 billion Euros. Add the IMF’s
contribution and we’ve got 750 billion Euros protecting yield spreads. Add the
potential of flexible credit lines from either the IMF and World Bank and we’re
over a trillion. Give the Chinese a polite phone call and we’ve met the
requirements elucidated by the honorable Hans Beinholtz:
Europe: Eat dinner at ten. Take a nap at two. Meet your
lover at four. Meet your mistress at five. Meet your lover’s mistress at six.
Even if my beer-fueled back-of-the-envelope casual calculations don’t add up
(imagine that), I’m fearlessly confident in the proclamation that we shall
always exist. Nobody gets past the troika, not even “Mr. Pudding”. Now if we
could all leave the needless, obsessive, and ultimately narcissistic
pontificating to the those poor, lamentable souls who happen to comprise my
immediate family, why don’t we all get together and enjoy what appears to be
one of the most promising football tournaments ever?
All the traditional powerhouses are present. For the first
time, insofar as I can remember, no major stars are injured. Poland, Sweden,
the Czech Republic, the Ukraine, and Ireland are all back after furloughs of
two years or more. Defending European and World Champions Spain are determined
to make it three in a row, bringing an estimated 785 million Euros (nearly a
billion dollars) worth of talent. In terms of salaries, only Germany comes
close with a roster pushing 525 million. That isn’t to say that insanely talented
Portuguese, Dutch, Czech, Wop, English and Swedish sides don’t have a nearly
equal chance to contend. Who knows? In 2004, the Greeks shocked us all. The
Irish, Ukrainians, Danes, Croats, and new-look French all stand ready to do the
same.
