Day 9
Record—
Spread: 10-16
Straight up: 11-5-10
Stream
of Consciousness--
Our beloved “Orange Crush” continues the strategy of
churning out wins more hideous than Gerd Wilder’s hair, frustrating all of us
who touted their talent. For cryin out loud, this is as disappointing as the
live sex acts in Amsterdam! You grab your seat and excitedly check out the
sightlines. You sip your beverage in fervent anticipation. It begins! Wow.
Interesting what she can do with that candle. Nice tricycle from Dirk Kuyt. Massive
Attack is always a good choice of music. Nigel de Jong exhibiting some nice
midfield movement. Time passes. In the fifteenth minute you let out a yawn. In
the twentieth minute you order another drink. Finally, between the 25th
and 32nd minute, you glance at your watch and wonder what the
monkeys at the zoo are up to. Eerie how parallel the timing is. Anyone want to
go to the zoo? If the monkeys aren’t in the mood, there are always the
tortoises! Those things live for one hundred years of straight fucking.
It’s official. This Afrophile is now in the red L
Not entirely worried about my own personal situation. I can always bounce back,
but what is with these African teams? I often attributed Africa’s
underachieving in WMs to the fact that the teams were always in such disarray.
Every world cup, players were not being paid, coaches were walking out, and
teams were staying in no frills motels akin to Motel 6 minus the toilet
paper/shower curtain. This was supposed to different! Should have known not to
ignore the “Don’t bet on the Home Teams” articles conspicuously placed in all
of the world’s newspapers. Should have reminded myself that Sven Goran Eriksson
is coaching Cote d’Ivoire and Otto Pfister is coaching Cameroon. A valiant
effort by the Black Stars today, but to no real avail. After watching today’s
sordid Cameroon game, I am convinced we need to get Pfister out of Africa for
good. He would make a halfway-decent fry cook down at the “Wienerwald”.
Who will be Africa’s hero in this tournament? The continent
sorely needs one. Drogba was a real life Rocky, almost literally bringing a
civil war in his country to a halt. (and he didn’t even have to knock out Ivan
Drago). Thus far, over 20 Somalis have been killed by the al-Shabab for the
unforgivable crime of watching World Cup games. (Potential child soldiers
watching football? Can’t have that! Target practice for them!). Still, the
Somalis are defying the ban in large number in order to watch their African
teams. How much does it say about the African people that they are willing to
risk death to catch a glimpse of a Sub-Saharan star bring a bit of glory to
their continent? They need their heroes. They deserve better. Someone must rise
up!
Meanwhile, Americans continue to drone on about the fact
that they are discriminated against because Africans resent their wealth and
power. This brings me to……….
The
Morning After—Thoughts on a Conceited Rant
Has the time come for me to admit that I can be an arrogant,
pretentious, and condescending bastard? Absolutely. Would I change a single
word of my little “Man-up” Speech from yesterday? Absolutely not! This morning
I crawled out of bed and immediately proceeded to cannibalize the papers. Every
respected daily in this country is running a headline to effect of “Anger makes
U.S. Fans Finally care about Soccer.” Excuse me one second. WHAT THE ZARKING
FUCK?!?!?! The headlines might as well of read: “Americans find Something Else
to get Angry About. Anger Good!”. As usual, we have rage over something few
know anything about. What a nightmare. I hope I speak for many a football fan
when I say: “We want more Americans!” We want your passion, wit, and cleverness
in the stands with us. We want to sing dueling drinking songs and exchange
sharp derogatory cheers. We want to get together for the match this afternoon
and discuss team selection and tricks over a pint. As an American with far too
many obscure European genes and tastes, I want it more than anyone. I surely do
not want another SMS from someone whining that football needs instant replay or
that America can never be expected to be treated fairly by a malicious and
unfair world (boo—hoo—hoo). I feel so sorry for the most prosperous nation in
the world!
Join the party, yanks. You’ve had the team for several years
now. Find the wag.
Hot Girl Standings
Country
|
Tally
|
Games Played
|
South Korea
|
21
|
2
|
Denmark
|
16
|
2
|
USA
|
15
|
2
|
Ghana
|
12
|
2
|
South Africa
|
11
|
2
|
Argentina
|
11
|
2
|
Japan
|
10
|
2
|
Australia
|
9
|
2
|
Cameroon
|
9
|
2
|
Brazil
|
8
|
1
|
Netherlands
|
8
|
2
|
Slovenia
|
6
|
2
|
Serbia
|
6
|
2
|
Chile
|
6
|
1
|
Spain
|
6
|
1
|
England
|
6
|
2
|
Italy
|
5
|
1
|
Mexico
|
5
|
2
|
Switzerland
|
4
|
1
|
Greece
|
4
|
2
|
Nigeria
|
4
|
2
|
Germany
|
3
|
2
|
France
|
3
|
2
|
Uruguay
|
2
|
2
|
Paraguay
|
2
|
1
|
Algeria
|
2
|
2
|
New Zealand
|
2
|
1
|
Portugal
|
2
|
1
|
North Korea
|
2
|
1
|
Cote d’Ivoire
|
2
|
1
|
Slovakia
|
1
|
1
|
Honduras
|
1
|
1
|
Forget the howling over Edu’s disallowed goal, we’ve got our
own controversy brewing here in the “Chicas” Competition. Earlier this week,
syndicate member Sipe e-mailed me with a scandalous report involving the five
buxom Dutch Blondes bidding me a good morning last Monday. Apparently, these
girls and their suggestive orange mini-skirts were part of an “Ambush
Marketing” campaign undertaken by the German-sounding, but very Holland based
“Bavaria Brewery.” Not one of FIFA’s official sponsors, the mole advertisers
were discovered by officials midway through the first half and ejected from the
stadium.
I’ve corroborated this report as published in the New York
Times, Wall Street Journal, Süddeutsche Zeitung and Guardian. Many thanks to
Dr. Sipe for giving a young man behind on his newspapers a heads up. I’ve given
this careful consideration. Blitz advertising is a disdainful practice.
However, FIFA’s ruthless enforcement of its copyright practices in addition to
its despicable, militant, and pugnacious treatment of women has allowed the
problem to take care of it itself. I refuse to believe that gorgeous women
should be expelled from any sporting venue for any reason. Furthermore, in case
you missed it, FIFA dolled out an especially harsh punishment: No good-looking
Dutch women were to be filmed today. It came down from above. Only one was
filmed inadvertently. This is a complete disaster. Initially, I thought of
deducting points from the Dutch. Now I almost feel I should be awarding them
some. In any event, do note the Dutch handicap. We will proceed without
interfering.
IN OTHER NEWS: Stupendous comeback for the Aussies! (From 0
to 9 in one game!). The Danes proved they are taking this seriously, bringing
every stereotypical tall Nordic blonde along for the ride. People of Denmark! I
apologize for every pun I ever used to mock your country. Dürfen wir noch
Freunde sein? JJJJ
