Karibu Stateside syndicate members,
If you are unfortunate (or fortunate enough) to not be receiving the dailies, you are definitely missing out on a chance to bet on the most frivolous aspects of WM Football. I refer, of course, to the number of “in a heartbeat” ladies caught on camera in the stands. Each “even without liquor” girl is an ambassador for her country, and we are determined to determine!! We must know which country will be the “2010 Chicas Champion”. All women shown on the World Cup’s world feed are eligible. All women are treated equally as objects. A country earns a point if the girl shown on camera is….er………how to put this……..ah shit…..I’ll go for broke….“tapable”. Here are the latest standings:
Country
|
Tally
|
Games
Played
|
South Korea
|
8
|
1
|
Ghana
|
6
|
1
|
USA
|
5
|
1
|
Argentina
|
4
|
1
|
Serbia
|
4
|
1
|
Slovenia
|
3
|
1
|
Nigeria
|
2
|
1
|
South Africa
|
2
|
1
|
Algeria
|
2
|
1
|
Greece
|
2
|
1
|
England
|
1
|
1
|
Uruguay
|
1
|
1
|
Mexico
|
1
|
1
|
Germany
|
1
|
1
|
France
|
0
|
1
|
Australia
|
0
|
1
|
Keep in mind that Spain, Japan, Chile, Italy, Cameroon, and
Brazil are yet to debut. Odds on the final champion to be determined after all
countries have played (bearing in mind that how far a team is projected to go
definitely factors in)
Onwards to the lines
Monday--------
Netherlands vs. Denmark
vs. 
There is no denying that this tournament could use a bit of a jump-start. Three ties, seven games with no more than two goals, and only one decisive victory. Is there a team out there that can jolt us out of our idle slumber? The Brilliant Orange appear cracking candidates. This is, after all, more or less the same team that sent the 2008 Euros into an aneurism with several sickly crafted tricks and goals. Though they eventually meekly bowed out, the remnants of the Flemish aristocracy almost always take the pitch ready to fly like true Dutchmen.
Today they face the da-da-Danes, a stammering, stuttering
collection of odd Scandinavians (yes, they are considered Scandinavians) who
appear to have at least 3,457 politicians named Rasmussen. Copenhagen may edge
out Amsterdam as a Mecca for drug pilgrims, but which of these infinitesimally
small countries will prevail? Here’s a hint: Nøt the Jørgensons, Sørensons,
Jacøbsens, and the rest of “Ølsen’s Eleven”
.
THE LINE: Netherlands + 2
Goals
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: Arsenal’s van Persie and Bayern’s Robben
are set to return from injury at precisely the right time. Van Persie’s Arsenal
teammate Nicklaus Bendtner (a Dane) is also worth a look. Hey Americans! Your
Afghanistan policy toppled the Dutch parliament. Rooting for their football
team is the least you can do.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Netherlands 2, Denmark 0. Another great match in Soccer City. Plenty of action.
New Ornaje coach Bert van Marwijk deployed a 4-2-3-1 with Robben, Sneijder, and
Kuyt backing up van Perise. The midfield trio provided plenty of fireworks,
even if the two Dutch goals were the result of shitty luck. Danish keeper
Sørenson did everything in his power to stem the orange tide. He adroitly
parried a cheeky flick from Van der Vaart that looked sure to go in. He robbed
Nigel de Jong and Wesley Sneijder of sure goals. In spite of this full frontal
assault, serendipity and nothing else was responsible for this result.
One
minute into first half injury time Simon Poulsen attempted to head a van Persie
cross out into touch, only to have the ball comically take a lamentable bounce
off fellow defender Daniel Agger and roll into the back of the net. The
twenty-five-year-old AZ Alkmaar defender could do little else besides smile.
Such unprecedented shitty luck is analogous to having a meteorite crash through
one’s car and, upon turning around, come to realization that one’s house is
engulfed in flames. The infernal voodoo “spirit of shit-pleating rain” was in
force once again in the 85th, when a Elijero Elia effort struck the
right post and inexplicably lay there invitingly for Dirk Kuyt to finish. The
Oranje unquestionably played the better game. Sadly, however, both goals came
from ludicrously kooky plays.
Japan vs. Cameroon
vs. 
Two of my traditional favorites have me smoking way too many Marlboro reds and beseeching the heavens for a pick. It remains virtually impossible to choose between these two sides with nothing between them. Both have nicknames that any word-fiend cringes at betting against (“The Blue Samurai”, “The Indomitable Lions”). Japan has given me everything I have deep appreciation for, from video games to game shows where contestants have to eat an entire Wasabi Roll. On particularly dark mornings, the excited grunting of Japanese announcers reminds me that, yes indeed, there is a reason to live!
Cameroon is a former German colony with a history of being
atrociously mismanaged by mediocre German coaches. The West African nation has
also produced so many good friends and great professors. Both teams appear
evenly matched, both on the pitch and in the stands (These teams will send our
hot girl competition into overdrive)! Dammit. The way this tournament is going,
it seems apt to pick a draw. I tend to eschew such soft flimsy behavior,
however, as a highly imperative personal rule. Hmmm.. Another central rule:
“When in doubt, Eto’o!!!!!!!!!!”
Incidentally, those of you who wagered that the Hatoyama
government wouldn’t last nine months, I have a special announcement to make:
“Fuck you, you’ve won”. Please report to my pay-pal account in order to claim
your prize: My unwavering ire and some change from the pool. Damn Japanese. How
does an American military base topple a government? Will someone please explain
that to me?!?!?!
THE LINE: Cameroon + 1 Goal
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: The Japs are notorious for flopping on
the grand stage, mostly because their team is comprised mostly of domestic
players. Nonetheless, Europhiles will appreciate seeing Makoto Hasebe
(Wolfsburg) and Keisuke Honda (CSK Moskow) in Samurai Blue. Keeper Kawaguchi is
also back! He’s one of the better keepers in this tournament. Mandjeck and
Bassong are two of my favorite players.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Japan 1, Cameroon 0. We heard practically nothing from Eto’o, double-teamed the
entire match Hasebe and Honda. The Japanese breakthrough came six minutes
before halftime. Daisuke Matsui executed a perfect deke to shake off Joel
Matip, and then flighted in an exquisite cross across the box to Keisuke Honda.
Honda was not necessarily unmarked, but the precision of the service afforded
him enough time to take three touches to before lining up a shot that Hamidou
had no chance to stop. The Indomitable Lions came close to equalizing, in large
part thanks to the inspired play of Marseille’s Stephane Etoundi. He thrashed
an absolute stunner that struck the underside of the crossbar in the 65th.
Eight minutes later he surely could have expected his fine re-direction of a
Geremi Njitap cross to go over the line. Kawashima lunged to his right for the
improbable stop. Good stuff from the Lions. At the end of the day, however,
Japan had their first win on foreign soil.
Italy vs. Paraguay
vs. 
I’ve patiently gone nearly three months without unleashing a wop diatribe. That latent hated has simmered deep within me as the summer crept in and my half-wop skin began to get greasy and tan. I’ll continue to spare you worthless Dagos full brunt of my rage. Suffice to say that an unrelenting Guido taunt is in the works, once I can afford to bet against “The Floppin’ Azzuri”. Today you only have to express the tiniest amount of faith that your melodramatic sissies can beat a one goal spread. Stay tuned, oily guinea members of the Northeast contingent!
In other news, I’m officially retiring all Fernando Lugo
puns. Mocking the Paraguayan president has been an immensely satisfying
endeavor. Unfortunately, the latest wave of church pedophilia scandals has
rendered it impossible to poke fun at a former priest who fathered two children.
Mr. Lugo, thanks to recent headlines, you appear a saint. Farewell, Padre
Fernando. J
J
Thanks for sticking with consenting adults.
THE
LINE: Italy + 1 goal
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: The lack of goals in this WM thus far
can, in part, be attributed to exemplary officiating. Unlike in 2006, refs have
mostly kept cards in their pockets and we’ve seen only one penalty. Hats off to
the measured and disciplined refereeing we’ve seen thus far. However, on Monday
the refs will face their greatest challenge yet: a bunch of diving dickless
Dagos! Who will win this contest of wills?
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Italy 1, Paraguay 1. Cannavaro was back for a little redemption. He produced
nothing of worth, at least not in this one. Quite the contrary. He embarrassingly
lost the aerial challenge that led to the first goal. The opener came courtesy
of Mexican League stalwart Aurelio Torres, who sent in an admirable set piece
that Antolin Alcaraz only had to best Cannavaro to head in. In the 39th,
the Azzuri were behind. Infinitely more important, their captain had just been
shown up by a player so irrelevant that he was Wigan’s big summer signing.
Things
looked even bleaker for the Azzuri when Buffon was forced to surrender to
injury at halftime. De Rossi was only able to salvage a draw when Paraguayan
keeper Justo Villar misguidedly went after a Simone Pepe corner and failed to
secure the ball. After la Albiroja’s lead was neutralized in the 68th,
nothing worth a mention transpired. Light rain fell and the two sides seemed
content to play for a draw.
Tuesday---
New Zealand vs. Slovakia
vs. 
As my friend ---------- has so repeatedly and eloquently pointed out, pretty much anyone from the Pacific Rim is allowed into the World Cup. A feeble Oceania qualifying pool once again forces me to write a few lines about this mind-numbingly uninteresting New Zealand squad known as the “All Whites”. Here we go: This is Africa. NO ROOM FOR “ALL WHITES” HERE. Benin deserved your spot. Go back to those majestic cliffs.
THE
LINE: Slovakia + 2 Goals
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: Will the announcers be able to pronounce
Vladimir Weiss correctly? How many goals will FCK Super striker Erik Jendrisk
score? Looking forward to watching both my long lost Russian cousin and my
team’s star forward.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
New Zealand 1, Slovakia 1. Call it the “Legend of the Kiwis” if you must, this
was the first of many occasions that I lost money betting on the “All Whites”.
It was already a forgone conclusion that I would lose money when Winston Reid
latched onto a Shane Smeltz cross in the 93rd, ripping off his shirt
for a yellow card in celebration of the unlikely draw. About all I care to
write about occurred after Vittek directed an outstanding Sestak cross downward
for the lead in the 50th. Prior to Reid’s heroics, he most assuredly
should have been sent off on a Red for his clumsy tackle of Vittek in the 67th.
Furthermore, Tony Lochhead should have been dismissed on double yellows
following his inexcusable tackle on Jendrisek in the 77th. Overall,
had the officiating crew been on their toes, the Slovaks would have been
awarded two penalties for an easy spread cover. Goddamn Kiwis. I do believe
we’ve found a new subject of ire.
Cote d’Ivoire vs. Portugal
vs. 
Prior to the Drogba injury, “Les Elephants” were the fashionable pick to be Africa’s Cinderella. Does the loss of one player really matter this much? Considering the fact that we are about to be inundated with “Group of Death” clichés, yes. What a devastating setback for Africa’s most talented squad. L L This team has no luck.
Speaking of being inundated, how many more times can we
tolerate that Christiano Ronaldo commercial? I, for one, am eagerly
anticipating finally seeing him play. Glitz is great and everyone can
appreciate a Homer Simpson cameo, but the real Madrid crusher is no longer the
best football player in the world. He maintains his status as the most deadly
bender of free kicks. Hopefully, the sight of a well-placed free kick sailing
over the bar will be a thing of the past. Practice saying “Holy shit!” now.
THE
LINE: Portugal + 1 Goal
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: So much amazing talent on the Cote
d’Ivoire side. Eboue, Keite, the Toures, Zokara, Boka. Sven Goran Erikson will
probably get more airtime than them. Study the face of this beleaguered coach
as he is rapidly running out of countries to fail miserably with.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Portugal 0, Cote d’Ivoire 0. Yawn. Inexplicable how these two teams were unable
to muster a goal. C. Ronaldo orchestrated two long-range efforts worth noting
in a stagnant first-half. Both coaches attempted to bring out the big guns in
hopes of stealing a victory. Simao and Tiago were inserted within the first ten
minutes of the second. To everyone’s shock, Drogba made a cameo in the 62nd.
To no avail. Stalemate was the name of the game. Yaya Toure and Pedro Medes
traded possession for what seemed like 40,000 minutes.
Brazil vs. North Korea
vs. 
For the 43rd time, NO YOU’RE NOT HIGH! DPR has qualified for the World Cup! You may still be high, but that’s not my problem. Also not my problem are these paranoid and goofy North Koreans. A summer documentary that should make your hit list is “The Red Chapel”, just so you might fully comprehend how ludicrous and patently absurd this bizarre regime is. One was not even permitted to have a look at the team’s uniform until about a week ago. Starving their own people, THEN devaluing their currency. No one should have a shred of sympathy for this team.
Hong Yong-Jo may be “The Peoples Rooney”, but the reward for
getting this far is, sad to say, “The People’s Thumping”
THE
LINE: Brazil + 3 Goals
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: That peculiar, handcuffed gait can only
mean one thing; Kaka is back! The Samba Kings are also bringing Grafite,
Robinho, Fabiano, Lucio, Alves, and Gilberto Silva. As usual, these are the
heavyweights and Brazil is everyone’s favorite. This is serious business. Lula
needs to appear at as many games as possible and bring Dilma Rouseff with him.
Should Brazil win, so will his handpicked successor.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Brazil 2, Korea DPR 1. In hindsight it was unreasonable to expect DPR to
crumble so early. In hindsight it was unforeseeable that a Japanese transplant
like Jong Tae-Se would theatrically sob during the playing of the North Korean
National Anthem. The resilient side held their own, closing down Robinho as he
attempted to dance. Pak Chol-Jin did an exemplary job on a defensive header
that fended off a Maicon drive.
Finally,
in the 68th, Maicon somehow squirmed in a goal from one of the more
impossible angles a footballer can face. Elano added another fifteen minutes
later courtesy of a Robinho delivery. The communists pulled one back two
minutes from time when Hong Yong-Jo maintained possession impressively with an
unprecedented head-right foot head touch before flicked the ball onwards toward
Ji-Yun Nam. Nam smartly waited until Cesar had committed to a rightward dive
before finishing. An inspired performance by a bunch of players still living in
the 50s. After the peninsula finally unifies, they’ll be a force to be reckoned
with.
Wednesday--------
South Africa vs. Uruguay
vs. 
The only team luckier to escape with a tie was…you guessed it… “The Jubilant Yanks”. The luster is gone from Bafana’s debut and it’s about time they start playing like the thin team they are. Floran and Lodeiro looked stellar in their debut.
THE
LINE: Uruguay + 1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Uruguay 3, South Africa 0. Whoa, Nelly. What a slaughter for the hosts. Fugly
beyond belief. All that Tshbalala could arrange this go-around was a weak
leaker ended up nothing more than catching practice for Musiera. In the 24th
it was Forlan with a forty-yard smash that dipped at the last moment to carom
in off the underside of the bar. Luis Suarez nearly doubled the lead a minute
later with a star-breaker off the post. After Kuhne denied him in the 75th,
Suarez went to ground all-too-easily when Arevalo returned the ball to him. The
semi-dive earned Khune a red, with Forlan converted the resulting penalty.
Reduced to ten men and lacking their keeper, Bafana couldn’t begin to hope
about mounting a comeback. Alvaro Pereira finally made them pay in the 95th,
lurking close to goal where he had no business being. Much of the talk after
the match centered around South Africa’s inadequacy as hosts. A shame really,
considering how much they had done for Africa after the opening match.
Honduras vs. Chile
vs. 
A hearty welcome back to the World Cup to our Honduran brethren! No more Zeleya/Lobo jokes, you have my word! You seemed poised to surpass the accomplishments of last tournament’s “CONCACAF Doormat” (Costa Rica). Mucha suerte!!
Now, if you’d care to get your ass back in the OAS as soon
as possible (before the end of the tournament) our secretary of state may stop
being embarrassed by Peruvians.
Onwards to Chile, another team we extend a warm welcome back
to! No Sebastian Pinera jokes on offer here. I did actually compose one, but
the earthquake made me reconsider. Welcome back to the tournament, you beloved
members of a twelve inch-wide country! You’ve managed to turn our Hot Girls
Competition on its head.
THE
LINE: Chile + 1 Goal
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: Er…..not too many top flight names here.
Watch those Chilean girls, though. They may very well be top-flight names
before this event is over. I crave a Latin American model that does not have
umlauts in her last name. They’re smoking! Why are we always locating the
descendants of some Nazi war criminal? No one will ever convince me that Gisele
Bündchen is not the granddaughter of a fucking evil, despicable commandant.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Chile 1, Honduras 0. Actually quite a bit of fun. The Chileans put on a
display, nearly scoring at least six times before Beausejour scored in the 34th.
The Chileans ran a passing clinic. Valdiva, Fernando, and Sanchez would swap
the rock as if it were the hot potato. A god five passes preceded Mauricio
Isla’s fine cutback intended for Carlos Carmona. The unanticipated lateral
deflected off a sliding Roger Espinoza for a fortuitous Beausejour shoulder
finish. Albeit a fluke. Still, the Chileans played some truly imposing
football. A splendid mid-week afternoon….and not just because I made some bank.
Spain vs. Switzerland
vs. 
Has it been a week already? How is it we went this long
without seeing the “La Furia Espanola”?? Were I writing this ten years ago,
there would be no gushing over the Spanish National Football Team. However, the
Germans (allowed) a critical finals victory in the 2008 Euros and this team has
been on a rampage ever since. Americans may fondly recollect last summer’s
Confederation’s Cup victory, but the fact is that Spain is FINALLY playing in
line with its talent. Sorry U.S. fans. Despite your recent luck, we must
undertake a quick reality check. Iker Casillas (not Tim Howard) is the greatest
keeper alive. For God’s sake, on this team, Pepe Reina is THE BACKUP! Cesc
Fabregas (not Landon Donovan) is the greatest Midfielder currently roaming the
earth. Carlos Puyol (not Onyewu) puts all other defenders to shame. Up striking
are Torres, Rodriguez, AND new Barça man David Villa!!
The talent on this team is enough to make you want to go lie
down and reconsider life for a while. The reigning European Champions are my
favorite to square off against Argentina in the Final They’ve had extra time to
prepare. Look for them to crush these hollow alpine tax dodgers!
THE
LINE: Spain +3 Goals
WHAT TO WATCH FOR: Where shall I start? David Silva? Andre
Iniesta? Xavi Alonso or Xavi Hernandez? Pique or Capdevilla? Put it this way:
There is little reason to watch La Liga, except for “El Classico” (Barça vs.
Real Madrid). This team features the best players from both überteams!!!!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Switzerland 1, Spain 0. Good lord. How did this happen? A Spanish friend of
mine texted me in the worst mood of his young life. It took four texts to talk
him down off the ledge. So what went wrong? We’ll begin with del Bosque’s
obdurately weird lineup selection. Villa fronted a strange 4-5-1 that never
seemed comfortable. Pique tried to make a thing or two happen by encroaching.
His finest effort was forced out by a Swiss keeper Benaglio acutely aware of
the jeopardy instigated by a lurking center back. Villa himself tried to work
the flanks in compensation for the hang-back posture of Bousquets, Iniesta, Xavi
Alonso, and David Silva, but failed to get his crosses right for the entire
match.
Seven
minutes after the restart substitute Steve von Bergen (replacing Phillip
Senderos) directed a ball towards Benjamin Huggel. Huggel lightly lifted a
center that would send Casillas and Eren Derdiyok into a 50-50 challenge. The
two collided, leaving the ball to be collected by St. Etienne’s Gelson
Fernandez. The midfielder converted what had to be the only legitimate Swiss
chance of the entire match. Xavi Alonso and Villa would later strike the post.
Torres, brought on as a substitute in the 61st, came agonizingly
close as well. One just knew that the adversity would be short lived…..at least
that’s what I tried to tell my Spanish friends.
Thursday—
France vs. Mexico
vs. 
Never again with these fucking frogs!! Day 1 was such an anticlimax that I felt like stuffing my head in the freezer. (Any smartass who tells me to do so will be hunted down). C’mon, froggies! I bet on you!! The beautiful game is on the world stage and you come up with a 0-0 draw??? Unforgivable!!! Also unforgivable is Domench substituting Henry for Anelka and not starting Malouda. This team is poorly coached, ineffective beyond Ribbery, and a bunch of “Life ees Shit” crybabies. I believe it was Henry who griped about the Vuvuzelas preventing players from hearing each other. Didn’t give the Germans any problem, did it now hand-baller? Get the hell out of my WM!!
Excellent
efforts from the beaners first time around. Showtime, dos Santos!
THE
LINE: Mexico +1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Mexico 2, France 0. The Mexicans made mincemeat out of the overmatched Frogs.
After a first half that left one convinced that the wetbacks should have been
ahead 4-0, Javier Hernandez finally out-thought Domenech’s easily-cracked
offside trap to coolly collect a Rafael Marquez through ball for an easy
finish. The 64th minute goal was more than enough to finish off a
French side dumb enough to start Ribery behind the obviously deranged Anelka.
Instead they added another after Eric Abidal was forced to compensate for an
over-the-hill Gallas and slide tackle Pablo Barrera a full three seconds after
it might have mattered. Blanco converted the deserved penalty and the Frog were
handed a deserved humiliating defeat. Fuck ze French.
Argentina vs. South Korea
vs. 
I offer my adored South Koreans a most sincere apology. The White and Sky Blue have now had time to gel and work out all the kinks. I reiterate:
Messi, Mascherano, Milto, Messi again
M, M, & M are coming for your ass!
If it’s any consolation, you seem a mortal lock to win the
“Hot Girls Competition”!
THE
LINE: Argentina +2 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Argentina 4, South Korea 1. Thirsty for goals in the spiritual sense? We’ve a
treat for you. How about a Higuain hat trick? In fairness the rout wasn’t on
until a Messi free kick deflected off Chu-Young Park in the 17th. In
the 33rd Messi linked up with Maxi Rodriguez, who delivered Higuain
the most ideal cross with which to finish. There was some hope in the 46th
after Lee Chung-Yong picked Martin Demichelis’s pocket for an invigorating goal
to halve the lead. It would prove to be Higuain’s day regardless. In the 76th
he was presented with a Messi miss that fell directly on his foot. Four minutes
later he scooped up the remnants of Sergio Agueros’s amazing header for the
trick. An unfortunate result for the “Red Devils of Asia”. The win nevertheless
gave false hope for the Maradona outfit. Every German should be grateful.
Greece vs, Nigeria
vs. 
How we feeling, Super Eagles? I told you we’d be back. You couldn’t have a more demoralized and perennial underachiever before you. Let’s take care of business.
THE
LINE: Nigeria +2 Goals
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS.
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Greece 2, Nigeria 1. Rehhakles and the boys had some bite left in them yet.
Lägerback was intelligent enough to start Odemwingie, and the striker’s run was
enough to fool Tzoras on a Kalu Oche free-kick. 1-0 Super Eagles at the stroke
of eighteen minutes. Kaita was sent off on a spurious red at the 33-minute-mark
and the Hellenes made the best of their opportunity. Rehhagel made the
anomalous decision to bring on Samaras for Papastathopoulos in the 37th.
A striker for defender switch is rarely seen before the end of the first half.
The interchange immediately paid dividends. Samaras discharged a scorcher that
stung the hands of Enyeama. Salpigdis pounced on the rebound for a 44th
minute equalizer.
Thirty
minutes later he again gave up another crucial rebound, this time from an
Alexandros Tziolis strike. This time the left back from Olympiacos Vasillas
Torosidis couldn’t possibly miss. Someone should recruit better African
keepers. They possess everything except a reliable backstop.
