Laikala syndicate members,
I welcome all of you to what I’ve been forced to tentatively title:
Round Four –Restoring Order to the Football Universe
The Football Universe appears to be violating every Newtonian law of motion, leaving us all ruminating on chemistry, the long European seasons, altitude, or whatever other armchair analysis we can fumble around for. This unpredictable tournament combined with an audacious 2008 betting system has my earnings swinging more mercurially than a drunken Uzbek on a pendulum. Read through it again and you’ll get it. The constant state of high alert is most definitely worth it. Consider where we were at this point in 2006. Nine teams had already been eliminated. Currently we only have three crews to say au-vouir to:
Indomitable Lions of Cameroon 
Otto Pfister pfails again! These poor people really need to stop hiring cast-off German coaches. I had such high hopes for this rabid football nation. Once the fail-safe African team, an emergent Ghana and fellow “fucked over by the French” Cote d’Ivoire now carry the mantle. A tout à l'heure!
The People’s most Glorious Republic of North Korea’s
Authorized Football Team playing for revered dear and young leaders Il 
Keep an eye on the East Sea as those joint naval maneuvers are about to begin. Very unhappy times ahead for those above the DMZ. The “Goodbye Lenin” Comedy is still another 5-8 years away.
“Les Elephants” of Cote D’Ivoire 
Not officially purged just yet, but they have about as much chance of overcoming a NINE goal deficit to knock out Portugal as I have sticking to a page limit. Things couldn’t possibly be worse for African squads and their “blind date” European coaches. As I once warned my African ex-girlfriend, you really have bad taste in men. Sven Goran Eriksson two months before the tournament? You could have gotten someone better off a speed-dating card! Never again, Sven!
Stock up on your favorite methamphetamine and program the
DVR. With four matches a day, this exciting and competitive round three will go
by at warp speed. Blinking will cost you. Note that for the only time in the
tournament, the bookie is permitted to pick draws. With 11 draws thus far in
the tournament, machismo has cost me a little chunk of change. Still, how can
being a stubborn prick for 2/3 of the group matches not be worth it? J
In a few instances, pick your winner straight up, gentlemen.
Tuesday
France vs. South Africa
vs. 
“Les Miserable”, “The French Surrender”, “Waiting for the Guillotine to fall”. Pick your pun. The world press is having a field day with the apparent fact that the French appear ready to give up and sulk. Anelka has been sent packing. Sarkozy has been playing de Gaulle, declining to accept Escalettes’ resignation and ordering his generals to stand and fight. Domenech’s reverence for the mystical has his players marching off the practice pitch singing Edith Piaf. To quote her unofficial French “Anthem of Retreat”, this team truly appears to be “rien de rien”
With the entire globe now auguring the advent of the Sixth
Republic, it is easy jump on the bandwagon and prophesize a French implosion
the likes of which has not been seen since the reign of terror. One tends to
forget that this is still a talented side that could conceivably sneak into the
Round of 16. I become nauseous at the prospect, but it could happen. I
discounted the Frogs in 2006 at my own peril. Loyal syndicate readers are
likely salivating at my soft spot for African teams, hoping I’ll predict that
Steven Pienaar will electrify the continent with a cracking strike in injury
time and the hosts will take a symbolic scalp right before it starts raining
gumdrops and a bus full of schoolchildren breaks into “When you wish upon a
Star”. Sorry. Even I have to admit that life isn’t Disney bullshit. As usual,
my chain-smoking firecracker of a whore (Frogs) will spoil the party for
everyone…for no good reason….other than to make herself feel a little more
important. LL
I do have a message for Raymond Domenech. Bear in mind that
my French sucks…but so does he:
--Cher sans valeur Monsieur ...
Malheureusement, mes
connaissances en français sont limitées. J'aimerais juste ajouter encore ceci,
Casse-toi alors, pauvre con!! J'espére que me suis bien fait comprendre! Du balai. Retirez-vous de devant ! hardi ! C'est
pas la peine de revenir me voir. Je ne serais plus la pour toi. trop de temp
c'est ecoulé LLLLL
fuck you asshole,
Peter Weis
THE
LINE: Pick em’
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
South Africa 2, France 1. Domenech was forced to gut the entire side after
multiple rebellious incidents in camp. Anelka had already been sent back to the
continent following a profanity-laced tirade during a training session. Captain
Patrice Evra was also suspended after physically assaulting one of the
assistant coaches. Domenech ensured that this final French appearance would be
conducted with zero class, refusing to shake the hand of Bafana coach Calos
Alberto Parreira.
There
remained a glimmer of hope that the hosts would yet find a way to advance to
the knockout rounds. Though improbable, a lopsided win combined with a Mexican
loss kept it mathematically possible. There was pandemonium in Bloemfontein
when Bongani Khumalo headed in a corner for the first goal. Hope sprang eternal
after French anchoring midfielder Yoann Gourcuff was ejected for throwing an
elbow during an aerial challenge five minutes later. Katlego Mphela turned in a
Masilela pass in the 37th, around the same time that Luis Suarez
gave Uruguay the lead against Mexico. Bafana were alive. They would still need
three more goals, however, to advance.
Mphela
could have very well scored all of them, were it not for the crossbar and the
deft touch of French keeper Hugo Lloris. Ribery and Malouda combined to render
it a moot point with a fine teamwork goal in the 70th. Terribly sad
to witness a host side go down so early. Nonetheless, the loss of this French
farce was a win for all football fans.
Mexico vs. Uruguay
vs. 
vs.
These two teams have the dubious honor of being my picks to
advance out of the group. In terms of the standings, it would be wise of the
two countries to give their top players a rest and play a competitive, if not
somewhat cordial, draw. Syndicate member Williams suggests they should get
together and drink Tequila on the pitch for 90 minutes. One might see players
giving each other backrubs. Difficult to say whether the “Amigo Agreement” will
be the strategy, or if the battle for first place will impel two well-stocked
clubs to go for fireworks. No one wants to get murdered by Argentina. In any
event, the France-South Africa match (which kicks off at the same time) is
probably the better bet.
In honor of Uruguay’s ascendancy, here’s a replay of perhaps
the best Uruguay joke ever:
Homer Simpson: (looking at a map of the Southern hemisphere)
“Hehehe. There’s a country down there called ‘You are gay’”
The
Line: Pick em’
FINAL
GROUP STANDINGS (3 to 1 odds):
1)
Uruguay
2)
Mexico
3) South
Africa
4)
France
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Uruguay 1, Mexico 0. Both sides could not be accused of not contesting the
match. Both formations featured three strikers. In blue it was Forlan, Suarez,
and Edison Cavani. The Green Lanterns were Franco, Blanco, and Giovanni dos
Santos. With six top-flight attackers on the pitch, the game was competitive
and even pulsating at times. Cavani and Suarez combined for the only tally in
an encounter than might have featured four or five more goals. Good match.
Greece vs. Argentina
vs. 
Argentines should back off after they’ve secured first place in the group, but backing off is not in Maradona’s vocabulary (along with probably every last erudite word in the Spanish language). Excellent Greeks! You’ve salvaged some pride after spending the last six months as a conversation starter for every idiot at a cocktail party who happened to catch a few minutes of CNBC Coverage. Hope to see Papandreou at this game, who suddenly looks about 86 and desperately needs a vacation. C’mon George! You’ve been interviewed by Charlie Rose six times in the last six months. I would require a month of pure debauchery to recover from that. Time to bathe in sin!
A Greek contact (and the only winner of a 2004 Euros Betting
Pool I’m ever likely to meet) reports the prevalence of “Otto über Alles” signs
among the Greek fan-base. JJ I’m glad you’re happy,
Hellenes. I must caution, however, that Rehhagel may be merely the most recent
German to be a little late to your rescue.
Thanks to Diego’s inability to pronounce the word “capitulación”, we should have a fairly entertaining match.
Gekas and Kyrgiakos tally, but Maxi grabs a brace and Demichelis wows us with a
scorcher.
Argentina
+ 1 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Argentina 2, Greece 0. Maradona did in fact opt to rest Gabriel Heinze, Javier
Mascherano, Maxi Rodriguez, Higuain, Tevez, Gutierrez, and Angle di Maria. This
in theory gave the Hellenes a fighting chance to make the next round. In
reality, however, even a so-called “second-string” Argentine squad was still
rife with superstars. Among those starting were Juan Sebastian Veron, Diego
Milito, Sergio Aguerro, and Martin Demechelis. So much for giving the
“reserves” some minutes. The Rehhagel Gang had only one true striker in
Celtic’s Georgios Samaras, and Demechelis and Otamendi effectively neutralized
him for practically the entire match. After seventy-five minutes of magic from
Messi, Aguerro, Veron, and Milito the persistent pressure finally yielded a
goal, Demechelis off a rebound of his own header. A very busy game for Greek
keeper Tzvoras began to take its tool. He gave up four more rebounds in the remaining
quart-of-an-hour, one of them smashed home by substitute Martin Palermo for the
second goal in the 89th. Tzorvas was bombarded the entire as night
as his mates produced nothing of worth.
Nigeria vs. South Korea
vs. 
Please, for the love of God, no more Jeff Bridges Hyundai commercials!! Can’t take it anymore! When exactly did Jeff Bridges become the voice-over spokesman for every Korean export besides Kim-chi? Was Alan Alda not available?
Anyways, the Super Eagles are playing as bad as the
geriatric rock band of the same name. To allow Jeff Bridges another opportunity
to bust in here, “I’ve had a rough night and I hate the fucking Eagles, man”.
You Nigerians have betrayed me for the last time! Heretofore, I’m singing in
Korean. Picking the Red Dragons to advance over the Pirates (Greeks) was not an
easy call. Did my choice have anything to do with my Asian fetish and a
personal desire to se the Koreans reclaim their perch atop the hot girls
standings? I’ll let you decide whether Yellow Fever is driving the pick or I’ve
just laid one of my more sophisticated traps. J Hehe.
The
Line: South Korea + 2 Goals
GENTLEMEN
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
FINAL
GROUP STANDINGS (5 to 1):
1)
Argentina
2) South
Korea
3)
Greece
4)
Nigeria
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Nigeria 2, South Korea 2. What a game this was, football fans. Park Chu Yong
nearly got us going in the 2nd, out dekeing Enyeama with a sweet
left footed shuffle only to sent it wide. Kalu Uche snuck past Lee Jungo-Soo,
where CSKA Moscow’s Chidi Odiah found him for a 12th minute goal.
Brimming with confidence, Uche nearly found the net several times in the first
half with one effort taking a wicked deflection off the crossbar. The Koreans
drew level in the 38th when Lee-Jong-Soo redeemed himself with a
fine header off of a Ki Sung-Tong free kick. In the initial twenty minutes
after the restart, the best effort belonged to Yakubu, a still underrated
striker at that time playing on the other side of Mersey. Cho Young Hong and
Lee-Jung-Soo stood tall at the back. Chu Young Park had given the Red Devils of
Asia the advantage with a spectacular free kick just outside the 18 in the 49th.
Yakubu eventually tied things up with a penalty in the 66th; coming
after Obasi was tripped in the box by substitute Kim Nam-Il. A four goal gets
everyone excited. Yes, I accrued some change from Super Eagle sympathy money.
Didn’t enjoy it. Wanted to see them win in an enthralling final half hour.
