Editor’s
retroactive notes:
He’s been labeled a textbook chauvinist, a disrespectful masochist, a sexist pig….and that was just this morning. This hobby writer employs a particularly savvy method in order to deflect such criticism….he doesn’t give the slightest of shits about people who don’t actually know him.
Perceived chauvinist or no, I have more important matters to concern myself with. Namely, why did the WPS cancel its season? I’ve been unjustifiably deprived of the most entertaining form of football in these United States: The women’s variety.
The world brims with types that consider self-righteous
trolling their contribution to humanity. They scout the works and words of
others, salivating at the prospect of a joke that crossed the line or an opinion
that they might sanctimoniously oppose. They imbue their otherwise meaningless
lives with a pharisaical sense of purpose through the composition of outraged
editorial complaint letters or organized boycott campaigns. It’s a bloody
“Whine-fest” emanating from trolls of all stripes.
The only attribute they all share in common is that they don’t actually do much of anything. “The least I can do is call someone out when I get upset”. Indeed it is the ABSOLUTE least you can do. Whilst you fight the good fight, there remain some kids in Burundi wondering where their mosquito nets are.
The only attribute they all share in common is that they don’t actually do much of anything. “The least I can do is call someone out when I get upset”. Indeed it is the ABSOLUTE least you can do. Whilst you fight the good fight, there remain some kids in Burundi wondering where their mosquito nets are.
Alzo. Should anyone prove capable of disarming their
sensibility radars for a few minutes, we’ve seventy or so pages extolling the
virtues of women’s football to get through. I must insist that one dismisses
this sport at one’s own peril. You’re missing out on a most enthralling display
every bit as captivating as the male version. To be sure, this Sportsbook was
written by a man; one with puerile proclivities, a love of the raunchier lines
of humor, and a rapacious sex drive that leads him to make some crass comments.
His genuine love and respect for women’s football shines through regardless. If
you cannot recognize that….well I really don’t give the slightest of shits.
This tournament sent U.S. TV ratings through the roof.
Unlikely converts included, among others, perennial WNBA-bashers from all
across the sports-writing spectrum. Syndicate response was significantly lower
than usual, but we received enthusiastic interest in women’s football from some
of the unlikeliest quarters of the world. No, I’m not sorry that I spent long
hours discussing which player would look best naked. Such talk in no way
diminishes the sport. Think differently? Perhaps it might save you some time if
I reminded you that….yep….I don’t give the slightest of shits.
Greetings Syndicate Members,
Why watch women’s football? Is it because Vicey is
predictably burnt out after another semester of writing everyone else’s
piece-of-shit papers and now, through his clamorous craving for catharsis,
believes he has the right to badger us with a bunch of nonsensical mayhem?
Well….maybe a little. At any rate you don’t have to be a dick about it.
Well….maybe a little. At any rate you don’t have to be a dick about it.
In point of fact, women’s football is a colorful athletic
spectacle every bit on par with the major male tournaments. The beautiful game
rewards creativity, spontaneity, and endurance. These are not characteristics
over which any one gender holds a monopoly. Frustration at a Women’s basketball
game may be understandable. What is it with this dearth of dunks?
One may be similarly empathetic towards the observer of a Female Ice Hockey Game. Sure they’re talented, but why are the frequent body checks conspicuously absent? Football (or soccer if you really insist) is not a game in which pure physical prowess reigns supreme. Consider the girl that regularly out-dekes you in your Co-ed League. You know exactly what I’m talking about. She makes you look like a fool. How long will you hold on to such misplaced pride?
One may be similarly empathetic towards the observer of a Female Ice Hockey Game. Sure they’re talented, but why are the frequent body checks conspicuously absent? Football (or soccer if you really insist) is not a game in which pure physical prowess reigns supreme. Consider the girl that regularly out-dekes you in your Co-ed League. You know exactly what I’m talking about. She makes you look like a fool. How long will you hold on to such misplaced pride?
Should my cadence ring overly pedantic, contemplate the
reality of being a fan. You wish to be entertained? What is more entertaining
for a male fan than this:
Or this:
Where the hell is the infamous “Ponytail Puller” from
2009?!? Sorry, but I cannot abide spending another half-hour on Youtube looking
for her. Irrespective of this, you get my point. Over the past few days, I’ve
had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of some truly lovely ladies. Level
of intrigue piqued? I thought so. Of course you’re interested in meeting the
girls. You certainly won’t regret meeting the girls. The time has come to meet
the girls. Allow me to introduce you…..
DEUTSCHLAND!!! (a.k.a “Feuchgebiete”)
WINNING ODDS: 2-to-1
WHO’S THAT
GIRL?
Not a bad group assembled by the Krauts. Bad luck with
German Women is one obviously psychologically debilitating source of my largely
incoherent rage. Two women suffice not for a country from which I hold a valid
passport.
We have the “be-freckled” little Mädel, Midfielder Kim
Kulig:
Always been a sucker for a sprinkling of freckles.
Fatima Bajramaj [Buy-RA-MY} is simply gorgeous both in
stills and in action:
Why so infatuated with this woman? According to the latest
information from kicker.de, she’s NOT GOING TO START! No! In her
place, we’ll be treated to Melanie Behringer, who I’m fairly certain is a man.
I shall not post a picture of her, mostly for fear of burgeoning the rumor that
trolls are once again roaming the German Countryside.
Okay that’s mean of me. She’s okay if you’re into Faye Reagan…after she swallowed Jena Haze. In any event, I WANT FATIMA!!! Was fehlt, Vicey? Oh right. Verena Faißt and Bianca Schmidt are also worth a look.
Okay that’s mean of me. She’s okay if you’re into Faye Reagan…after she swallowed Jena Haze. In any event, I WANT FATIMA!!! Was fehlt, Vicey? Oh right. Verena Faißt and Bianca Schmidt are also worth a look.
France (a.k.a “The Gauloises Gals”)
WINNING ODDS: 7-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
As is to be expected, this is by far the most beastly team
in the tournament. I would also venture to guess that they smell the worst and
are the most irritating.
That does not necessarily mean there are no scorchers to
report of. Take Fullback Corrine Franco, for example. Scroll down a bit and you
can’t miss her.
After that, we have the pouty dark-haired Offensive midfielder
currently trading under the name Louisa Necib.
There is also another provocatively nude forward. Her name
is Gaetane Thiney. You might recognize her.
Finally, for those who just can’t resist cute, I give you
lead striker Sandrine Bretigny.
Canada (a.k.a “Nice Girls Finish Last”)
WINNING ODDS: 10-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
What a shame this team isn’t going anywhere, as this is one
of the best looking squads in the tournament….and they know it. Keep an eye out
for the stunning striker Jonelle Filligno:
Next we have future Hustler Centerfold, “Tangled” Model, and
girl you could never get near in high-school, Midfielder Kaylyn Kyle:
Finally, there is the regal “Quebecois Queen” Christina
Julien, shown here looking utterly sullen that secession isn’t forthcoming
anytime soon. I’ve certainly gotten this look from far too many ex-girlfriends:
Nigeria (a.k.a “Goodluck’s Girls”)
WINNING ODDS: 9-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Such a fine assortment of Nubian beauties! A feast for eyes
of all of us emaciated white boys who eschew the chocolate foodstuff, yet
possess an insatiable craving for…..you get the idea. Where to begin? Perhaps
with Striker Sarah Michel and that irresistible face:
Defender Onome Ebi also embodies the elegance of beauty.
Lest we forget Midfielder Glory Iroka and the slickness
that produces heartache on command. Her performance is nothing short of
glorious.
England (a.k.a. “Princesses of the Pitch”)
WINNING ODDS: 4-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
There is no match for the sleek stature of center forward
Rachel Yankey.
Having once seen her in action, I can assure you she is as
graceful on the pitch as that image might suggest.
This idea of this compilation is by no means original.
Thanks to one of the many “Hot Girls in Sports” blogs out there, there’s
already a prepackaged collection of Defender Rachel Unitt’s photos out there in
the ether. Enjoy! Keep scrolling…if you dare.
Sparingly used forward Jessica Clarke is just plain cute:
Nigerian transplant and lead center forward Eniola Aluko
could get me to forswear angry rants forever with that disarming smile:
Japan (a.k.a “The Blue of the Subjugated Samurai”)
WINNING ODDS: 6-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
I suppose the hair stuff is designed in shrewd anticipation
of any ponytail-pulling incidents.
Three of the four Japanese Players presently playing in the
U.S. Women’s Professional League aren’t half-bad….perhaps after a candlelit
dinner, a few glasses of Pinot, a long walk through the park with some
discussion of zodiac signs in the stars above, balmy temperate air with the
occasional gentle breeze reminding you that nature shall always be your
patron…..Come to think of it as the mood descends upon me, I could surely get
in the mood for these ladies. Still, make up your own mind.
Striker Mana Iwabuchi proves that short hair/long/hair/no
hair/mohair is ultimately immaterial. Some women simply have it.
(Second down from far left)
Mexico (a.k.a. “The Cartel of Cuties”)
WINNING ODDS: 10-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Nayeli Rangel is a pretty little mocha-skinned senorita you
surely wouldn’t kick out of bed. Scroll down. It’s well worth it.
Ruby Sandoval also really likes you. Don’t leave her out in
the cold!
<http://www.mediotiempo.com/futbol/mexico/noticias/2008/04/03/rubi-sandoval-espera-jugar-el-domingo>
Alina Garciamendez gives great hugs. How can you jeer the
sweetie on the left?
New Zealand (a.k.a “The All-Cunts”)
WINNING ODDS: 11-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Is it possible that I’ve actually dated goalkeeper Erin
Neyer? Sure feels so based on this pic.
Fullback Anna Green has everything but the dimples:
Ali Riley comes in a distant second for the HOTTEST GIRL IN
THE TOURNAMENT. Yes, I’ve always had a crush on her. Kelly O’Hara happens to
have dethroned her. No matter which girl is ultimately determined the most
alluring…I now know I Should have gone to Stanford.
Hayley Moorwod is a sweeping midfielder, an Olympic cyclist,
and very much a source of personal swooning from my perspective:
And…I’m not finished yet! (Been a while since I could say
that) Please meet Kristy Yallop:
Please meet Rosie White:
Please meet, and I’m absolutely not kidding here, striker
“Sarah McLaughlin”!
Sweet Surrender, Vicey, aren’t we done yet? Whew! Indeed we
are. This extra hot team wears me
out. I’ve researched Inflation Policy Papers that were LESS exhausting!!!
Colombia (a.k.a “Mockus Maximus”)
WINNING ODDS: 12-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
As tempted as I am to make a wholly inappropriate remark
about striker “Catalina Usme” (that is actually her name—look it up), I’ll
instead introduce you to Midfielder Oriannca Velasquez. She’s #20 on the far
left. No, she is NOT the one with her shirt off:
Fullback Natalia Gaitan is worth a look too (she’s #3):
North Korea (a.k.a “The Striking Sisters of
Socialism”)
WINNING ODDS: 28-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Ahem…in honor of the perverted delinquency of these innocent
women’s’ regime, I am proud to declare that they are ALL the most beautiful
women in the world to me. Their inner-beauty, forged in the furnace of
absurdist actions of deluded demagoguery, shall always shine greater than the
inexcusable madness that corrupted their façade.
Sweden (a.k.a “Ladies, Ikea Style”)
WINNING ODDS: 8-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Surely some will take issue with this selection, but I
cannot resist what appears to be Stefi Graf’s twin sister. Meet Charlotte
Rohlin. Big nose? Big Deal.
Perhaps I’m entirely too excited to see a Dark-haired Swede
on this squad. No matter. Looking very much forward to seeing striker Lotta
Schelin in action. If you don’t appreciate adorable foxiness I don’t know what
to say. You have no soul!
Overall the Swedish Striking Corps is quite solid. Five
women, four of which are better than a six. Read through it again and you’ll
get it. I could post some pictures of Josephine Øqvist in a bikini right about
now…but what sense is there in appealing to least common denominator?
USA, USA, USA!! (a.k.a “Sam’s Angels”)
WINNING ODDS: 2-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Did I truly swear there would be no more adult entertainment
references? Hmmmm…..hell with that. Never in the history of female athletics
have there been so many gorgeous ladies with blatant porn-star names. It is my
great pleasure to introduce you to Keeper “Hope Solo”:
People of America, future centerfold and AVN Award Recipient,
“Alex Morgan”:
Anyone want to guess where else the name “Heather Mitts”
might be applicable?
Can anyone other than an adult film performer pull a surname
with double Xs? A particular husky gem we shall enjoy in the form of midfielder
“Shannon Boxx”
First names that end in “i”. Last Names with double
consonants. Another damn fine footballer that might carry the USA all the way.
Meet “Carli Lloyd”
Not sure I’ve known of any other girls named Tobin. That
makes it unique. Midfielder “Tobin Heath” is both uniquely talented and
beautiful.
Okay. As much as the name “Kelley O’Hara” would enable me to
continue the narrative, such raunchiness is simply not possible while one’s
heart is in critical meltdown mode. This Midfielder is not only the most
beautiful footballer in the tournament; she is quite bluntly the most angelic
woman I’ve ever observed in my life. If she so much as threw an insinuating
glance at me I would immediately stop drinking, chuck my smokes away, finally
finish the PhD. Thesis, and settle down to be a responsible and financially
solvent father to as many aggravating children she wants without so much as a
tinge of regret.
There you have it ladies (thank God none of you are reading this). You have your confirmation. Even the most stubbornly sardonic of creative types can be broken. Every man has his weakness. Every wild beast can be tamed. Let’s get on with posting these pictures so that I may proceed to bang head against my desk for an hour while sobbing uncontrollably.
There you have it ladies (thank God none of you are reading this). You have your confirmation. Even the most stubbornly sardonic of creative types can be broken. Every man has his weakness. Every wild beast can be tamed. Let’s get on with posting these pictures so that I may proceed to bang head against my desk for an hour while sobbing uncontrollably.
Equatorial Guinea (a.k.a. “The Bantu Babes”)
WINNING ODDS: 22-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Obviously locating pictures of the so-dubbed “Black Queens”
is as difficult as interpreting the miens of the players in the team picture
above. Nevertheless, one should never capitulate when on the prowl for pretty
women….or so I often say before getting slapped.
Here are some pics of Lead Striker and Team Captain Jade
Soho. I think she’s fairly cute:
Really looking forward to finding out more about this team.
Australia (a.k.a “Outback Ovaries”)
WINNING ODDS: 7-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Plenty of surly looking girls that would send me blitzing
straight out of the bar and into the alleyway should there be a confrontation.
Your best bet is Fullback Ellyse Perry.
Here she is enticing you to come play football with her..
Here she is looking as deceptively innocent as Lexi Belle.
Brazil (a.k.a “Sura del Bunda”)
WINNING ODDS: 4-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Fairly multi-variegated group, no? I’m personally
disappointed that Gabriela Zannotti didn’t get the call up. Oh well. Defender
Erika Santos is a serviceable replacement:
Another gem I cannot seem to find a photo of is misplaced
offensive defender Elaine O’Connor. In the name of camaraderie (and the
Brazilian necessity of reducing to one name) she will simply wear “Elaine” on
the back of her sweater.
Norway (a.k.a “The Beauties even Thor Can’t Ignore”)
WINNING ODDS: 9-to-1
WHO’S THAT GIRL?
Here you can get a flattering look at the profile of Marita
Skammerkund Lun.
On the bottom middle, you’ve also doubtless met her
backfield partner Hedda Gaardstord. Here’s another picture of her.
Midfielder Lene Mykaland rounds out what is, all too sadly,
another fairly mundane group of Nordic Blondes….*yawn*
