A smile and a yawn syndicate members,
A two-day break can do a world of good. I must constantly remind myself to take one every so often. Catching up on 15 days worth of newspapers was an exercise that certainly re-affirms my faith in our purpose: This is absolutely the month to be ignoring news and focusing on football. What a depressing confluence of stories! My beloved Louisiana not only continues to be besieged by oil, but now faces a storm surge that will likely wipe out the remnants of the non-televised pelican population. Ugh! Kind of makes you sad to fill up your car L A four star general and a Pittsburgh Pirate Perogie were fired for off the cuff bitching about their jobs L The Financial Reform Bill looks at state-level constitution challenges. No one cares about Uzbeks living in Kyrgyzstan L Kevin Rudd had to give way to a stunning redhead with some nice tits. The G-20 Summit was a complete American embarrassment! Conservative Milfs are on the march, the Turks are acting up again, Vaclav Klaus is still making meaningful decisions, and Oliver Stone made a new movie!! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Someone save me. Football save me!! Good to be back. J
Of course, my favorite story of the last two weeks deserves
some sardonic chatter: eleven Russian deep-cover NOCs were arrested last week
after “trying to infiltrate American Policy Circles”. Oh, I believe you know
what’s coming. JJJJJJ
Evidently, the FSB decided some eleven years ago that it
would assign its most linguistically talented NOCS to discreetly study policy
in various American graduate school programs, attain membership in relevant
academic societies, and gain knowledge of the inner workings of Foreign Affairs
think tanks and trade journals. Excuse me while I piss myself with laughter.
Bwaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. These poor Ruskies. I knew that the
former paragon of Potemkin Villages was in dire straits, but this is really
pathetic. I’d sure like to be a fly on the wall as those agents report back:
“Da. We’ve learned how to do some shitty PowerPoints, write a few crap papers,
and navigate a bureaucracy full of egotistical turds that appreciates an
eight-step path to policy solutions delivered courtesy of some rudimentary
research” Bwahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha.
To all of my exceptionally bright and amazing former
colleagues in the field of international policy studies:
You are better than me. Of course I am swollen with pride
and envy, not to mention the fact that I fully respect you and your work. You
know I had to. I simply HAD to. You are laudable heroes, every last one of you.
I SIMPLY HAD TO!!!!!!! YOU KNOW I HAD TO!!!!!
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Pure
spite. Tsk, Tsk Vicey. Bad Vicey!
Send offs
The “Blue Samurai” of Japan (4 games played, 54 Hot
Girls) 
The time has come for us to say Sayonara. My heart will
always be yours for eternity. LL Did not want to see a
bunch of crying Japanese girls. I’ve already scheduled holiday in Italy. Please
do not despair, Japs. You still have anime, the “Super Terrific Happy Excellent
Nightly Report”, and game shows that force the loser to stand naked while being
attacked by Gila Monsters with orbital fans on their forehead while Willy
Nelson plays in the background and the stench of rotten Blue-fin Tuna fish
permeates the air! Honda, Hasebe, Endo, Kawashima and the boys put on a great
show! Please rely on them for 2014 and lay off the Robot Football team for now JJ
“The Navigators” of Portugal (4 games played, 32 Hot
Girls) 
Christiano Ronaldo and the gang shall be riding the “Volta
del Mar” all the way home. T’was a real shame that one country had to lose the
“Battle of the EU-Shit List”. Still, I’m glad it was Spain. A team for which
Deco is too old is not a team I wish to root for, or bet on. The only fact I
can offer you in thee way of cheer is that your P.M. is still named “Socrates”.
He may have to drink a hemlock after your elimination, but I’ll always have
love for a country with a leader named after Socrates. He, like me, preached
absolute nonsense and was accepted for a little while. That is more or less all
one can ask for.
Matches
Netherlands vs. Brazil
vs. 
Much vaunted, this Dutch team has managed to consistently bore the yellow bial out of us. I myself have not been so personally humiliated since I was caught in a room with the McKinley High School Girl’s Soccer team without pants by a respected judge L I have bragged about this team. I have emphatically declared that van Persie and van Bommel would wow us like only soft-core porn star Kayani Lei could do. Sadly, I have once again been caught sans pants L L Time for our flying Dutchmen to go. Brazil shall not repeat the mistakes of 2006. In case you haven’t heard, this is not the tournament for former African colonial masters. It belongs to the lively Latin Americans.
Projected Lineups:
“The Samba Kings”
1) Julio Caesar
2) Juan
3) Lucio
4) Michel Bastos
5) Maicon
6) Josuye
7) Gilberto Silva
8) Luis Fabiano
9) Kaka
10) Robinho
11) Elano
“Clockwork Orange”
1) Maarten Stekelenberg
2) Klaus Jan Huntelaar
3) John Heitinga
4) Giovanni van Bronckhorst
5) Gregory van der Wiel
6) Mark van Bommel
7) Nigel de Jong
8) Robin van Persie
9) Wesley Sneijder
10) Arjen Robben
11) Dirk Kuyt
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— 3 to 1
Penalty Shootout— 4 to 1
Robben brace---3 to 1
Van Persie brace—5 to 1
Van der Wiel crushes set piece—6 to 1
Stekelenberg howler---3 to 1
Bouhlarouz substitution (65+)—2 to 1
Van der Vaart substitution (80+)—3 to 1
Kuyt brace---4 to 1
Van Bommel from outside the 18—3 to 1
Huntelaar from outside the 18---4 to 1
Robinho brace –3 to 1
Kaka brace—3 to 1
Fabiano brace—4 to 1
Robinho hat trick – 5 to 1
Lucio from outside the 18—5 to 1
Grafitite Substitution (75+)—2 to 1
Ceasar Clean Sheet –3 to 1
THE
LINE: Brazil +2
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Netherlands 2, Brazil 1. Whoa. In the greatest challenge to the “EU Wing
Theory” to date, the Oranje motored past the Samba Kings thanks to a brace from
a central midfielder….and a Felipe Melo implosion. Anyone watching the first
half would not have predicted this outcome. The Dutch looked outright flaccid
as they tried to counter their improvisational freewheeling opponents. Somehow,
Sneijder was able to deliver the Drago punch from Rocky IV. “They’re not
machines! They’re men!” The Dutch coasted on through.
Melo
began the match in fine form, threading in a very inviting ball for Robinho
that split Ooijer and Hetinga. Robinho scored his unofficial second goal (the
first disallowed on account of an offsides ruling). Brazilian dominance
persisted throughout the opening chapter. Danny Alves and Gilberto Silva were
flying past their midfield counterparts, driving in very tasty crosses for Juan
and Luis Fabiano. Neither one of them missed by much. Stekelenburg outright
burglarized Kaka out of a sure goal with a spectacular palm save at full
stretch.
Things
weren’t looking much better after the restart, even after Sneijder was falsely
credited with a Felipe Melo own goal. Sneijder sent in a rather meek looking
cross after taking a short free kick from Robben. Cesar and Melo were evidently
not simpatico on who was to clear it and the two collided, the ball grazing
Melo’s head before rolling into the back of the net. Nothing more than a 53rd
minute fluke. Kaka came close to mounting a response, but fifteen minutes later
it was Sneijder with a legitimate goal. Van Bommel astutely headed on a Robben
corner and Sneijder maintained calm concentration to head it in with a lurching
header. The man who was supposed to be marking him? None other than Felipe
Melo. He lost all sense of composure when, six minutes after the second goal,
he frustratingly stomped his spikes into Robben, who had already gone to
ground. The exceptionally nasty foul earned him a straight red.
Ten-men
Brazil had no answer for a now supremely confident Inter-Milan midfielder. Ten
minutes from time Sneijder nearly snatched the hat trick, simply losing his
bearings in a one-on-one meeting with Cesar. All Dunga could do was bring in
the hitherto unheard of Nilmar, who never really got his head in the game. For
the second straight tournament, the Brazilians had choked in the quarterfinals
stage. I’ve got five on them breaking this curse in 2014. Five thousand, that
is.
Ghana vs. Uruguay
vs. 
“Africa’s last hope”. Sounds a mite overdone, no? Forlan must be exhausted after his club season campaign, yet I believe he still has enough in the tank to squash the last of the African teams. No need to feel sorry for our African brethren. They shall continue to blow those vuvuzelas, showcase intricately choreographed fan dances, and ride on with the party until we’re done. Ghana is indeed presently Africa’s best team (as I portended no less J). Nevertheless, welcome back to placement, Uruguay J
Projected Lineups:
“Olympic Sky Blue”
1) Fernando Musiera
2) Diego Lugano
3) Mauricio Victorino
4) Maxi Pereira
5) Diego Perez
6) Luis Suarez
7) Alvaro Pereira
8) Egidio Alveraro
9) Alvaro Fernandez
10) Edinson Cavani
11) Diego Forlan
“Black Stars”
1) Richard Kingson
2) Isaac Vorsah
3) John Pantsil
4) Kevin-Prince Boateng
5) Asamoah Gyan
6) Kwadmoh Asamoah
7) Andre Ayew
8) Anthony Annan
9) Sulley Muntari
10) Dominic Adiyiah
11) Prince Tagoe
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---2 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— 2 to 1
Prince Boateng Substitution 85+--2 to 1
Prince Boateng straight red—2 to 1
Muntari substitution 90+3 to 1
Forlan brace—2 to 1
Forlan hat trick---4 to 1
Luis Suarez brace---3 to 1
Diego Lugano from outside the 18—3 to 1
Victorino crushes a set piece—4 to 1
THE
LINE: Uruguay +1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Uruguay 2, Ghana 1. 4:2 PSO Talk about a mesmerizing match. You’ll scarcely
believe what happened here. If this season’s racist scuffle with Patrice Evra
doesn’t have you convinced that Luis Suarez is the biggest asshole in all of
football, it’s time for you to re-visit this match. He broke the hearts of an
entire continent with a blatant cheat…then bragged about it. World-class
asshole. Why someone hasn’t broken both of this worthless piece of shit’s legs
is beyond me. Fuck this motherfucker. “Hand of God”. How about you shake
Patrice Evra’s hand with your filthy paw you slimey, cheating,
son-of-a-bitch?!?
The
match itself was one for the ages. Kingson continued his magnificent form. In a
ten-minute span stretching from the 11th to the 21st, he
saved surefire efforts from Suarez, Forlan, and Suarez again. At the other end,
Isaac Vorsah and Asamoah Gyan shaved the woodwork as the game got off to a
blistering start. Kevin Prince Boateng spurned another marvelous opportunity
after shanking the ball off his foot. Muntari finally got us rolling in the
second minute of first half injury time. From 40 yards out he bent a hellfire
missile that Fernando Musiera just couldn’t judge. After leaning to his right,
he attempted to dive to his left to no avail. Muntari had it swerving like a
drunken casino patron. Goal of the tournament in my book.
If one
seeks someone to blame for allowing La Celesta back into the match, begin with
John Paintsil. His 55th minute mind-numbingly stupid foul just
outside the area set up Forlan in his wheelhouse. He lashed it past a helpless
Kingson, who couldn’t have stopped it if he were seven feet tall. Kingson did
well just to hold off a resurgent Forlan and Suarez, who both could have easily
abrogated extra time with their subsequent efforts. The additions of
fresh-legged subs Steven Appiah and Domenic Adiyah gave the Black stars the
edge in extra time. They were far more energetic. Kwadoe Asamoah, Gyan, and
Boateng all had good looks at goal. Of course, what will forever be remembered
for what transpired on the absolute last play. 122nd minute.
Appiah
curled in a menacing free kick that Suarez cleared off the line, but nowhere
near out. A mad scramble replete with some light pinball ensued. Ultimately it
was Adiyah, the other sub, who directed in the next effort; a forceful header
destined to land in the top corner. A backwards-falling Suarez did the only
thing he could to stop it, smacking it away with his left hand. One cannot
necessarily blame Suarez for cheating when he had no other choice. It is his
attitude that offends. Rather than going down the tunnel after his red card, he
stayed on the sideline, gleefully celebrating when Asamoah Gyan’s penalty stung
the crossbar. He would later remark that he made “the best save of the
tournament.” What words from the douchiest douche that ever douched.
A few
inches separated Ghana from the first ever African ascent to the Semifinals…on
African soil no less. All Gyan had to do was convert from the spot, as he had
done hundreds of times, as he did moments later during the penalty shootout.
Kingson was too depleted to stop anyone either than Maxi Pereira. His miss was
canceled out by one from Jonathan Mensah. A miss by Adiyah made the
difference…the same Adiyah who would have scored a goal were it not for
Suarez’s handball.
One
might argue that, since Suarez was red-carded and a penalty was awarded, the
rules were enforced and there remains no cause for complaint. One might also
argue that since the hand stopped a SURE goal, it was unreasonable to make Gyan
“re-earn” it from eleven meters. Where one comes down on this issue depends
almost exclusively on where one is from. Despite my Africa bias, I would have
been neutral in this dispute….had it not been for Suarez’s known status as an
open fucktard.
