Maware, Maware syndicate members,
Getting right down to business:
Send-offs
The Fighting “Azzuri” of Italia (3 games played, 32 Hot Girls)
Ciao dolche! Arrivederci Auzzuri!! Completely unforeseen, unprecedented, and unbelievable! An epic failure by the floppin wops! A sensational catastrophe for the World Champions who failure to even grease their way out of what was by far the easiest group. Practically everyone, including myself, simply believed everything would simply come together for the Italians as it usually does. Hard to believe it was just this morning that we were all rolling our eyes, fully expecting the Dagos to advance via some bullshit bounce or one of their brand name “clever plays” (shameless dives). The sun rises every morning in the East. The Italian government collapses every six months or so. Every two years, the Azzuri roll into the latter stages of an international tournament on cruise control. Shocking. Positively shocking. This is like waking up in the morning and finding out that Maureen Dowd actually wrote a readable editorial piece. Don’t know what to say. One can only have another swig of coffee and say “well, I never thought I’d see this!”
After literally an eternity, the wops finally got what was
coming to them. “Taffusi” and hubris are not enough, campagnos! You need to
play with passion and urgency as well. Up until the final ten minutes of the
third game, this team lazily sleepwalked around the pitch expecting that the
game would come TO them. They denied there was any exigency or pressure
inherent in their sluggish start, insisting the game would come back to them
like some bitch they regularly smack around who always returns because she
can’t resist the Machismo of “Papa Bella”. Today baby girl finally left them,
and not just for anyone. Fortuna, goddess of luck and fate, walked off with a
bunch of revoltingly ugly Slovaks with a language so ugly that the National
Anthem sounds like a man with a mouth full of peanut butter trying to gargle
whilst fending off a pack of Siberian wolves. Better late than never. Go ahead
girl. Move on. You were always too good for those sly wop bastards! You’ve
finally done it!
Now that the Italians are free to walk up and down the same
strip of beach chatting on their cell-phones for the rest of the summer, I
confess I feel a sense of lost. The wops are not only a steady stream of jokes,
but provide valuable revenue as well (Don’t we want that money back,
Phillytown?). I always envisioned this moment would be a glorious victory for
me. The demise of my hated rivals; the ones who stole a championship from the
Mannschaft during the Sommermärchen; the half of my genetic makeup that I am
perpetually at war with. Somehow, however, watching the Italians go down fast
and hard does not feel like a triumph LLLL Perhaps
I should travel to Italy this summer and get an Italian girl to go down fast
and hard on me. THAT would be a triumph!
A presto, fanciulla!
The “All Whites” Of New Zealand (3 games played, 37 Hot
Girls) 
If you told me that the All-Whites were going to leave the World Cup undefeated, I would have requested that I may partake in the prescription drugs your doctor had been prescribing you lately. Had you told me that New Zealand would exit in second place of the Hot Girl Standings, I would have cordially asked to chase those pills with some very fine liquor. Overall, a fantastic performance from the team we all mocked as irrefutably incapable of overcoming their racist nickname in an African competition.
Well done Kiwis. You appear to have flown the entire Hot
Girl population to South Africa to celebrate your…….draws. What? No one has
picked up the Petey Pablo idea yet? Here’s a recap:
With play-by-play announcers ever-more desperate to
reference something about New Zealand other than “Lord of the Rings” or “Flight
of the Concords”, I commission someone to get on You-tube and splice footage of
shirtless New Zealanders with the 2001 hit “Raise up”. Shouldn’t be too hard.
I’d take care of it myself, but wouldn’t be able to do the audio edit justice:
“This one’s for NEW ZEALAND. C’mon and raise up! Take your
shirt, switch it round ya head, spin it like a helicopter.”
Here’s your raw footage:
I thank you in advance, cuz if we don’t stand for something,
we’re bound to fall for anything at all…whatever the hell that means.
“Olsen’s Eleven” of Denmark (3 games played, 20 Hot
Girls) 
It was a real treat to see the Danes back in the World Cup. Also quite nice to see Nicklaus Bendtner back on the global pitch. Unfortunately, the Dane’s performance was as inconsistent as their Hot Girl Count:
Game 1—0-2 loss to Netherlands (Hot Girl count 3)
Game 2 –-2-1 win over Cameroon (Hot Girl count 13)
Game 3 –1-3 loss to Japan (Hot Girl count 4)
What? The Nordic blondes only come out for the Africans?
Unacceptable. At the end of the day, the best things the Danes brought to this
cup were the cheers I devised for them during the qualifying round. Let’s
recycle a classic:
“Copenhagen’s comin’ along! Hmm. I should preface
that I am referring to the Danish National Football Team and not the “Climate
Change Treaty”. That accord is not “coming along” very well at all. If you’re
hoping for some sort of multilateral breakthrough at the Copenhagen Conference
in December (that includes you Angie), you’re dreaming! Kyoto had much more
willpower, and cuter waitresses. I’ve been searching everywhere for the U.S.
Position Points for the Copenhagen Conference, only to discover that there
aren’t any. Whoops. This could be Barack Obama’s worst visit to Copenhagen
since…..nevermind. Let’s skip it.
I’m ordinarily not a fan of the Danes. They ticketed me once
for crashing a Lego Car. On top of that, they want to kill puppies and eat
kittens. Okay I made the part about kittens up. In spite of my preconceived
prejudices, I’m getting motivated for the Danes using two new cheers I just
invented:
1) Ever since a Jeopardy! Clue a couple of weeks ago, I’ve
had the song “Da Da Da” from 1980s German New Wave Band “Trio” stuck in my
head. Though the German Kraftwerk clones disbanded in 1985, a Volkswagen
commercial in 1997 revived the song and elevated the band to cult status. Does
anyone remember what I’m talking about?
“Da Da Da. Ich lieb dich nicht du liebst mich
nicht….uh-uh…da da da” Two guys drive around in a Volkswagen Golf, pick up a
couch from the garbage and then drop it after determining that it doesn’t smell
so good? Anyone? Oh for Christ Sake, here’s the link:
The song is virtually impossible to expel from one’s head.
Here’s my effort:
“Da Da Danes….Da Da Danes…….Da Da Danes……Da Da Danes. Ich
lieb euch nicht. Ihr liebt mich nicht…uh-uh….Da Da Danes…..Da Da Danes…..Da Da Danes”
2) Gøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøø Danes!!!!
Yes, like a Druish Prince at Hanukah, I am so overjoyed to
have found out how to make an “ø” on my keyboard. Now all I have left to figure
out is this weird Froggy circumflex. Join me in welcoming the following Danish
players:
-Anders Møller Christenson
-Thomas Sørenson
-Per Krøldrup
-Jesper Grønkjar
-Martin Jørgenson
-Beøwulf
Obviously, Beowulf is not coming along. I was watching the
animated feature last night, shocked that my favorite 12th Grade
English reading assignment could be so thoroughly ruined. Even Angelina Jolie
couldn’t save that movie!!”
Indomitable Lions of Cameroon (3 Games Played, 35 Hot
Girls) 
Also from earlier:
“Otto Pfister pfails again! These poor people really need
to stop hiring cast-off German coaches. I had such high hopes for this rabid
football nation. Once the fail-safe African team, an emergent Ghana and fellow
“fucked over by the French” Cote d’Ivoire now carry the mantle. A tout à
l'heure !”
Not a bad effort by any stretch of the imagination. I’m sad
yet another one of our “Hot Girl Favorites” is out of the competition. I’m also
very sad I don’t get to hear Spanish announcers say “Eto’o”!!!!!!!! sob
Friday
North Korea vs. Cote d’Ivoire
vs. 
Can Cote d’Ivoire possibly overcome a NINE goal deficit to unseat Portugal and grab a place in the Round of Sixteen? Of course not! I’ve already written a respectful obituary This one does have all of the makings of a high-scoring affair, though. I estimate I’ve written about how immensely stocked this Cote d’Ivoire squad is over forty times thus far. They’ve got a splendid opportunity to demonstrate this to the world in their farewell game as the team they are playing has recently has its tree bark rations restored.
It has been an intriguing run for the North Koreans, with
everyone placing bets on this phantom team that we know absolutely nothing
about based on political superstitions. Here are some highlights (names are
altered to protect the indolent):
1) “Hmmmm…dear leader will disembowel these players if they
lose, so I’ll pick them to cover” –Nuremberg Numbskull
2) “I hear Kim Jong Il has a direct antenna to the coach’s
tie. These guys will play their heart out.” –Karlsruhe Klutz
3) “They gave the Brazilians a really hard time. I think
they’re here to stay.”
--D.C. Dipshit
4) “They’re disciplined, they’re organized. They know what
they’re doing”
--Philly Pissant
5) “You have no idea what to expect, so I’m betting against
you.”
--Iowa Imbecile,
Hahahahaha. Loads of fun taking money from you, gentlemen.
Also appreciated the five minutes of quality time you gave me with
thesauras.com! Go ahead and bet according to your myths. I dare you to keep
this shit up!
THE
LINE: Cote d’Ivoire + 3 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Cote D’Ivoire 3, Korea DPR 0. Oh they deserved it. Not the readers, that is.
They’ve never deserved my ribbings, even if they were gentle and playful. Les
Elephants deserved a win like this on the world stage. The fans were vibrant
and colorful. They danced throughout the entire match, led by full-costumed
conductor “Papa Elephant”. Europeans may have the most innovative chants. No
one can match the Asians when it comes to a coordinated color display. The
Latin Americans produce great drum beats and the Americans rule the realm of
face-paint. Nobody can bring it all together like the Africans. It’s carnival
time in the stands. They’ve got the music, the rhythm, the costumes, and the
collages. Should an African school group be fortunate enough to acquire a bulk
set of tickets, the classes spend weeks rehearsing their routines. By kick-off
time they’re prepared to showcase as if they march the streets of Rio. It was a
beautiful day in the city of Nelspruit. Beautiful game. Beautiful girls. Sun
was shining. Weather was sweet. Made you want move your dancing feet.
All
bow before the mighty Elephants! Gervinho fired warning shot after warning
shot, only to see his efforts drift slightly away from the prize. In the 14th,
Arthur Boka cut a gem back for Yaya Toure, who rewarded the diamond-cutter with
a solid gold finish. Seven minutes later Drogba slashed through the defense and
rifled in a speedball off the underside of the bar. While Drogba appealed to
the linesman that it had actually crossed the line, Koffi Romaric finished of
the recoil. By the time Drogba had turned back around in disgust, it was time
for him to hug the Sevilla midfielder. The quest for more goals was on, but it
was never anticipated that they could overcome the seven that Portugal had
scored against this motley crew. Sven brought in the old heroes Kalou and
Dindane in the 64th. Gervinho continued to amaze. Zokora, Boka, Kolo
Toure tried their luck from distance. Drogba and Koffi Romaric came close to
opening the floodgates. The Ivorians finally earned a third in 82nd,
when Kalou steered in a Boka cross. Had they scored more early and often, who
knows what might have been possible. If this team gets surreptitiously in the
group of death for a third consecutive tournament in 2014…there is a God and he
hates Africa.
Portugal vs. Brazil
vs. 
vs.
If you happen to be a long-time syndicate member, you know
that a good old-fashioned colonial re-match gets me sexually excited. This will
not be one of the better ones we’ve seen. This is no Senegal vs. France,
Cameroon vs. Germany, U.S. vs. Philippines, Russia vs. Georgia, Denmark vs. The
Faroe Islands, England vs. Nigeria, Belgium vs. Rwanda Netherlands vs. South
Africa, Spain vs. pretty much any Latin American country, or Japan vs. anyone
in the East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere. Whew! Imperialism touches em all! First
place in the group still on the on the line, so Brazil should keep their foot
on the gas pedal only long enough to secure a clean nine points. Portugal could
certainly make things hectic, but I do not see them taking the chance.
THE
LINE: Brazil + 1 Goal
FINAL
GROUP STANDINGS (2 to 1 odds)
1)
Brazil
2)
Portugal
3) Cote
d’Ivoire
4) North
Korea
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Portugal 0, Brazil 0. How about a good old-fashioned “colonial bore”? Nothing
doing here. With nothing at stake, neither side put their best squad forward.
It was of course nice to see Simao again, and I was exciting to see Wolfsburg’s
Grafite get a few symbolic minutes. One couldn’t help but to fast-forward
through much of this soporific spiel.
Chile vs. Spain
vs. 
Two of my hot reds, hot picks, hot tamales. I will not get too verbose on you. Though we have seen far too many upsets and surprises in this tournament, La Roja will take care of business and get through. This team is not the culprit of a haughty game plan. Some awful luck is to blame for their early troubles. They are merely warming up and will be ready. That being said, if anyone still wishes to bet on Spain retaining their title of champion is welcome to bet. I maintain that German guilt gave them that Euro 2008! This team will choke eventually. Not now, though.
THE
LINE: Spain + 1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Spain 2, Chile 1. Del Bosque debuted yet ANOTHER formation, this time putting
Torres atop a 4-1-2-2-1. (Yes I know that was painful to read). Busquets was
back, this time as defensive midfielder, with the two Xavis backing up Villa
and Iniesta on the wing. While I am by no means qualified to assess this man’s
tactical genius, rarely has his unorthodox approach failed to work. The opening
goal came courtesy of a Torres run forward. For some odd reason, Chilean keeper
and Captain Claudio Bravo thought it might be wise to run forwards and meet him
some 45 yards out. Though he was able to effectively neutralize Torres, the
trailing David Villa picked up the loose ball and floated into a completely
empty net.
Chile
played one of the dirtier games I’ve ever seen. Center Forward Alexis Sanchez
pulled Torres to ground in the most cynical of challenges. Fullback Waldo Ponce
stabbed Iniesta with his cleats in flagrant frustration. Gary Medel gave Xavi
Alonso a cheap shot worthy of a wrestling ring. Finally, in the 37th,
Marco Estrada was made to pay for this shockingly squalid run of play with
double yellows for tripping both Villa and Fernando Torres. Torres had been
clipped as Villa fed Iniesta for the second goal. Two minutes after the
restart, one half of Chilean coach Marcelo Bielsa’s halftime adjustments
grabbed a fluke goal off a deflection from Gerard Pique. Rodrigo Millar
celebrated as if he had scored the goal himself. Just as well. Mercifully, the slovenly
play of the Chileans subsided. Del Bosque brought in Cesc Fabregas and Javi
Martinez, who ate up the clock with a passing display.
Switzerland vs. Honduras
vs. 
The Cuckoo clock has run out on the Swiss. The fondue pot has boiled over. Time for these out-of-touch micro-staters to go offer some “Grüzi” sacrifices in the shrine of ACCT # 237102437. The team with the giant “H” on its jersey may have had the adverse fate of being the “CONCACAF Doormat”, but I believe they will teach this country of 7 million goofballs a lesson in football.
The Hondurans may not know much about keeping a stable
government, but Figueroa, Hernandez, Palacios, and Suarez know how to play
UPSET ALERT!
THE
LINE: Honduras +1 Goal
GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS
GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS
FINAL
GROUP STANDINGS
1) Spain
2) Chile
3)
Honduras
4)
Switzerland
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Honduras 0, Switzerland 0. Who the hell cares? Beyond a moment or two from
Tranquilo Barnetta and Alexander Frei, this was a fetid match. What a stinker.
Waiting for this game to open up was akin to waiting for Godot….to get
interesting. I hate that play almost as much as I hate the Swiss. Good
riddance.
