Salutations Stateside Bettors,
Question often submitted: “How’s the independent odds-maker doing?” Fair question. Here’s your answer:
Spread 9-15
Straight Up 14-6-3
Over fourteen years of keeping a book, I’ve amassed better
stats. No apologies necessary. I give you better odds that Vegas or Bodog.
Don’t forget to get those checks in! God bless Paypal J
Random thoughts on the four-match-days…..Vicey is a
rambling man
--Broadcasting from Wolfsburg? Wolfsburg? WOLFSBURG? What
the hell is wrong with you organizers/broadcasters? You find the one place in
Germany without any historical significance. Fucking Anaheim is older than
Wolfsburg. Both the Deutscher FB and ESPN have no taste.
-- Mon dieu!
Dirty, dirty French girls. You filthy whores! No need to pose naked for
me, ladies. Merely watching your sublime skills is enough to warrant a deposit
in the “Spank Bank”.
--Almost forgot, here’s the link if you’d care to see
Sandrine Breitigny, Gaetaene Thiney, Elodie Thomas, and Sandrine Soubeyrand
naked:
--Did we have to show the Alsace booster club celebrating
after the second French goal? Talk about adding insult to injury. “Wir sind
French! Wir haif alvays been French! Go Frankreich!!”
--When the lights…go down….in Dresden. Holy shit, hit the
deck Hans! They’re back!!
--Yes, you finally got me England Fans. After years of
torpid failure, karma has finally boomeranged back. Here I am. I surrender.
Take my money. Take a generous northern slice of my country. All I ask is that
you stop bitching about Frank Lampard’s no goal in last year’s Round of 16. You
have been redeemed. IT’S OVER!!
--Trying to get some work done while watching the
Canada-Nigeria match…impossible. Nigerian midfielder Ebere Orji keeps getting
off shots. “Orgy!!!” Where?
--Never like to see female keepers take a shot to the chest
as I saw far too often in the case of Andreia on Wednesday. Bruised boobs must
really hurt.
--Marta and Bruna…we almost saw a cat-fight! Twasn’t to be.
Guess I’ll just have my cats snort some catnip and place a sawed off water
cooler over them. “Mau Mau Dome!” Caesar demands to be entertained!
--Talk about one of my worst financial days…I even lost the
bet on Anonman’s hair color. Some bad luck has me almost in the red. Yikes
--Miriam is the worst keeper I’ve ever seen. Stop punching
and grab the fucking ball. You couldn’t even save THE WEAKEST PENALTY EVER.
--Speaking of terrible keeping, Japan’s Ayumi Kaihori is the
only reason I’m optimistic about Deutschland’s chances in the quarterfinals.
She’s a disaster on par with Fukashima.
--Amy Le Peilbet needs a hug. Someone take this girl into your
arms!
--How hard was the U.S. running as they mounted their
comeback? Well, we can now confirm that the entire team wears pink sports bras.
--Kelley O’Hara….baby I love you anyway. I know you have a
fantastic boyfriend who could beat the piss out of me…I love you anyway. I know
all about the restraining order…..I love you anyway.
--Wonder how Servet Unzunlar is sleeping these days? After
blowing YET ANOTHER clear at the back, I imagine she’s as familiar with the
C-Span 3 Lineup as I am. Ouch. I’ve had worse days on the pitch, but those
usually involved profuse vomiting.
--Fun Fact of the Day: The Australians happened to be
staying at the same Leverkusen hotel as Snoop Dogg and had their picture taken
with him. That’s a lot of hot white jailbait ass for a rapper. Hope everything
went well.
--Magnificent bicycle kick from England’s Ellen White. She’s
got all the explosive skill of Rooney inside the 18…..plus she’s not hideously
ugly.
--Highlight of the North Korea-Columbia match: Watching
Yorelli Rincon put a bunch of dribbling cones one her head. Christ, there is
nothing worse than a game without any goals. Caught myself looking at a bunch
of gymnasium girls in the stands and having impure thoughts. Make a dirty old
man out of me will you?!?
Send offs
Yes, I have some more pictures for you. Astonishingly, FIFA
has not yet gotten back to me concerning my “2012 Football Fawns” Calendar.
They’ll do it anyway. Everyone steals from Vice. I’m going to hire Dominique
Strauss-Kahn’s lawyers. Let’s go through eight Calendar girls
Canada
They went out with a whimper….as we’ve all done after being unceremoniously fired at some point in our lives. Canada has had a fucking bad summer. Cheer up, Canucks. The Winnipeg Jets are coming back!
WE’LL MISS YOU, EH:
As I wrote in my tournament
primer, this is one exceptionally attractive side. We’ll miss the titillating
pitch ministrations of real-life Rapunzel Kaylyn Kyle, the irresistible perky
smile of Rhian Wilkinson, the undeniable cuteness of Chelsea Stewart, and the
delightfully shy hotness of Robyn Gale. Besides them, we must also say “Au
Revoir” To Pouty “Quebecois Queen” Christina Julien. It’s all terribly sad. On
ne se reverra pas. Abondance de biens nu nuit jamais.
Of course, as is the case with the Highlander, there can be
only one “Calendar Girl”. Distinguishing herself from the rest is…you guessed
it…the “gorgeous guinea”..Jonelle Filligno. Anyone surprised? I’ve only written
several hundred words on her. Jwoww has nothing on the striking striker from
Rutgers.
THE MOMENT:
They only managed one goal. Still, we witnessed a piece of technical mastery. Watch as Christine Sinclair generates enough lift and curl to bend it around a five woman wall and stuff it perfectly in the top right corner. (at 1:59) “Top Shelf” “Time to get the Peanut Butter!” “Grandma’s strawberry preserves!”
Nigeria
Can we MEND our differences? Digest the sarcasm. Love the sarcasm. For all of you Gay Rights Champions, poetic justice has been served. I would now like to steal a line from Adam Carolla. Ahem…….Why should gay citizens be conferred all the rights and liberties of everyone else? I have seven reasons for you.
Reason #1 = Because this is a constitutional matter. A
person’s sexual orientation is not sufficient grounds for denying them any of
human rights we deem universal.
Reasons #s 2-7 = Because I’m sick of fucking talking about it! Can’t we just move on already! There is no space for religious reasoning in matters of Public Policy. If your argument begins “Well, the Bible says” just shut the fuck up! Go home, watch CBN, and stay the hell out of the discourse when adults are talking.
SAY HI TO GOODLUCK FOR ME:
Glory Iroka, Onome Ebi, Stella Mbachu and Helen Ukaonu are all Nubian beauties that shall be sorely missed. We never even got a chance to see Ulumna Jerome. We saw far too little of Fransisca Ordega. My personal favorite remains Sarah Michael; a feisty and vigorous super-sub with a delightful face:
THE MOMENT:
Another team that only managed one goal, a rather routine finish from Perpetua Nkwocha. A far more noteworthy moment was the Great Dresden Blackout of 2011. Check it out at 1:29. Damn gremlins!
New Zealand
This team has killed me; slaid me with beauty, wreaked havoc on my bank account, and obliterated my already scant belief in some sort of benevolent higher power. Am I bitter? Well…..you didn’t destroy my car, throw plates at me, or cry non-stop until I agreed not to leave you.
I forgive you ladies. You may have disappointed me, but at least you got the hell out of the way when it mattered. We can both move on with warm feelings. Thank you. We’ll always have Sinsheim.
CALL ME COLLECT FROM CHRISTCHURCH:
The second hottest team of the tournament is gone! No more Ana Green, Hayley Norwood, and Sarah McLaughlin! No more Emma Kete, Hannah Wilkinson, Kristi Yallop, and Rosie White! In spite of this surfeit of sexiness, the title of most kissable kiwi isn’t even close. Ali Riley is the second hottest girl in the tournament, the future mother of my children and so absurdly adorable that she merits an absurd Louisiana sendoff:
Dearest Ali,
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make my happy,
when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear, how much I love you, please don’t
take my sunshine away. JJJ”
Goodbye Ali,
PJW
THE MOMENT:
Is there any other choice other than the improbable comeback (TWO goals in injury time) and the chic dance moves of the football ferns. With last summer men’s last minute heroics in mind, let this be a lesson that it is never safe to bet against New Zealand. The show starts at 1:38
Columbia
Singing in the tunnel, they managed to make Hope Solo seem like a surly cunt. Well…..most anything can make Hope Solo seem like a surly cunt. Don’t worry, that incident will not be the most enduring memory
BYE, BYE BOGATA BABY:
No shortage of lovely ladies on this squad. Über-cuties Tatiana Ariza and Yuil Munoz never even saw the pitch! That leaves Natalia Gaitan, Daniela Montoya, Fatima Montano, Liana Salazar, and Natalie Arias. Tough to pick a winner out of that field. One almost wishes one bestow them all with the crown. In the end it has to go to Nataly Arias, the very embodiment of graceful, athletic, and elegant play at the back……with some nice tits as well.
THE MOMENT:
No goals from this side. Still a fairly decent clearance off the line from Natalia Gaitan. It’s at 0:30
Korea DPR
Great news, everyone. The undefeated North Korean team has been disqualified! As presaged in the Round 3 lines:
“At present, the People’s Team has sailed into the
quarterfinals and has but one meaningless match left to play before a jealous
and embarrassed FIFA forces a dubious disqualification merely to spite the
illustrious and universally celebrated leader who once shot eighteen
consecutive holes-in-one.”
Sadly, the feed on the goalless draw was also lost and the
denizens this socialist utopia were unable to witness the additional five goals
scored by the squad in the final five minutes.
LOVE IS ONLY SLIGHTLY COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY:
You know my thoughts on these “women” well. I have repeatedly compared them to the East German teams of yore and expressed nothing but deep appreciation for their prevailing outer beauty. It occurs to me that at least one player should be commended for her looks as well. The good news: I found one. The even better news: she vaguely has a female jaw line. The bad news: They will pump her up with hormones and steroids before long. She’ll come back for the next tournament with chest hair. Meet Kim Un Ju:
THE MOMENT:
Didn’t think I could find one of these either, did you? How about that first half vs. the U.S.? Who can forget the 45 minutes we almost believed?
Equatorial Guinea
“Sometimes heart just a’int enough.” I’ve great hopes for this undeniable Country Song title. This could very well be the new “I’ve Got Tears in my Ears from Layin’ on my back while crying over you”, or “Her Teeth was stained but her Heart was Pure” or “If I’d Shot you when I wanted to I’d be out by Now” or “There’ll Never be another Jew like Jesus.” Yes, I’ve got racks of the stuff.
I WANT MY CHOCOLATE BUNNY:
Always saying goodbye to Africa far too soon in these tournaments. This is by no means goodbye to Anonman, as I actually follow Turbine Potsdam in the German Women’s Bundesliga. Despairingly, this is goodbye to Lucretia, a player I never even got to see in action. Ana Cristina, Sinforosa, and Christelle all get honorable mentions, but this cutie is the undisputed queen:
THE MOMENT:
Not to keep beating this into the ground but Anonman remains the star of the tournament thus far. With much yet to be written, one would be remiss give her this status permanently. Nevertheless, here is her here-to-for unseen amazing performance against Norway in full
Her two goals against Australia are at 1:01 and 2:00
respectively
Mexico
Love that PRI salute! After Mayor’s joke of a five-hole goal in the second minute, I almost thought the Kiwis had been paid off…until they continued to cost my exorbitant amounts of money. Hossa, hossa.
“Mein…….lieber……….Mexicanna……….Ich komme lieber………zu dir zurück.”……”danke schön!”
YOU CAN ALWAYS START MY FOREST FIRE:
Will it be Nayelli Rangel? Rubi Sandoval? Alina Garciamendez? All fine choices, but Natalie Vinti reigns supreme
THE MOMENT:
Is there any doubt? Monica Ocampo (at 1:03)
Norway
Bit of an unlucky exit for our Nordic enchantresses. Too bad. So sad. That’s life. Some days it’s “Jan Garbarek plays with Ladysmith Black Mambazo”. Other days it’s “Jan Garbarek plays with a Dishwasher”. If you still don’t know who Jan Garbarek is, fucking look it up already. You’ll never have a problem seducing women after “The Fjordmeister” enters your library.
ØØØØØØHHH, Baby:
Conventional wisdom dictates that I should pick Lund, Pedersen, Gardsjord, or Hegland. Yawn. These blonde bombshells bore me. I find myself oddly attracted to Emile Haavi. Why? Because she’s clearly half-elf. Judge for yourself. I give her +10 to charisma. Nice goal, elf girl J
THE MOMENT
Did I mention that “elf girl” scored Norway’s only goal? Well done, “elf girl”. You provided the best moment. It’s at 2:06.
Moving on…how grateful are we, football fans, that the
officiating hasn’t been a story thus far. The “Apologists Handbook” remains
unmolested in the drawer. To boot, we may be thankful that there has been no
overt discussion about the official tournament ball. Keepers have been
inconspicuously silent.
Now the fun really begins! Yellows wiped. Squads with
everything to play for!
Matches
All lines are calculated personally by your friendly bookie
Vicey….The man who appeals for more money than NPR during Pledge Week. The
correspondence that follows is, as always, crafted with sincere amity for those
who appreciate sharp wit and an extra spot of fun in their day. Should you
prefer solemnity, drama, and conflict… kindly return to writing your bullshit
“Ruminating on my Personal Identity Politics” paper……unless I’m writing it for
you, in which case DEPOSIT YOUR MONEY ON TIME FOR A CHANGE!
Saturday
England vs. France
vs. 
Alright England fans. I want that Pounds-Sterling back right now! Now you fucking choke! If you don’t live up to your reputation as the biggest international football flops ever, the refs will step in and take it from you. I’ll go all in, staking the most critical wager in my sportsbook on your imminent collapse. I shall reload in lieu of retreating. I shall double-down in place of backing down. I shall…….wait a second…..this is all way too Bachmanesque. Perhaps I should reconsider……fuck it. Being a panderer means less fun. Here’s a re-print of my latest anti-Limey rant:
“Having made some bank at the expense of you Limey bastards
in round one, I am prepared to talk yet more smack against your beloved “Three
Lionesses”. You goofball islanders consistently find a way to choke on
practically every global stage. If we were to hold an International Strippers
Convention, your cockney, toothless representative would stumble drunkenly onto
the stage, mumble something incomprehensible, slide clumsily off the pole and
proceed to wet herself! “
There we are. With all impotent rage flushed from my system,
I can merely implore everyone to set the alarm (or the DVR) for this match,
quite possibly the best Quarterfinal on the slate. Two speedy football clubs
with a demonstrated ability to tear up the flanks are both hitting their stride
and we should see some beautiful football. We might also see lateral
cancellation and a “100 Years War” stalemate, but isn't that a chance you’re
willing to take?
As is always the case in the knockout rounds, the projected
lineups play a crucial role in foreseeing the flow of the game and ultimately
handicapping the teams. Much to my chagrin, I received approximately 2,453
e-mails last year asking me why in the hell I was enclosing my projected
lineups during the knockout phase and the “I’m a dork” defense only goes so
far. Consider yourself spared from a few extra lines…….but not my reasoning J
First let’s talk the French goalkeeping situation. Berangere
Sapowicz tripped up my favorite German girl and rightfully got herself red
carded. Celine Deville would appear to be a serviceable replacement, but
remains a huge X-factor. Gaethane Thiney appears to have lost an edge after the
whole posing naked thing and might be subbed early. Marie Laure-Delie and Laura
Georges are flying high after demonstrated aerial supremacy during the Germany
match but are too old and racking up too many minutes.
Perhaps the penultimate question for this French side is: “Are there super-subs available?” Indeed there are. Hungry youngsters Sandrine Breitigny and Caroline Pizzala haven’t even played yet! Elodie Thomas appears to be in spectacular form.
Perhaps the penultimate question for this French side is: “Are there super-subs available?” Indeed there are. Hungry youngsters Sandrine Breitigny and Caroline Pizzala haven’t even played yet! Elodie Thomas appears to be in spectacular form.
Midfield seraph Louisa Necib shows no signs of slowing. If
she can distribute the ball to France’s veterans early in the match, the
youthful cadre of subs could make this very ugly for St. George. She appears to
be immune to fatigue.
Two players whom I would not consider immune to fatigue are Rachel Yankey and Ellen White. Both have played far too much and are prone to overconfidence after shaky goals. Jill Scott and Anita Asante are real aerial threats that the French can’t compete with. Yet they could feasibly be neutralized if the frogs give Meilleroux the start or if Renard has a solid game marking.
Two players whom I would not consider immune to fatigue are Rachel Yankey and Ellen White. Both have played far too much and are prone to overconfidence after shaky goals. Jill Scott and Anita Asante are real aerial threats that the French can’t compete with. Yet they could feasibly be neutralized if the frogs give Meilleroux the start or if Renard has a solid game marking.
So here we have it Limeys. The pick is the underdogs on a low-line. The time has arrived for you to show pride in your country. Put your money where your horribly disfigured teeth sit!
THE
LINE: France +1
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes— 2-1
Penalty Shootout— 3-1
Necib brace – 3-1
Thiney brace – 3-1
Le Sommer brace – 3-1
Renard from range 4-1
Georges booking 2-1
Bretigny substitution (70+) 3-1
Carney brace –3-1
White brace—3-1
Smith Hat Trick –3-1
Yankey substitution (65+) 2-1
Asante Start –2-1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
France 2, England 1. (4:3 PSO) Nothing between these two teams after 120
minutes in a match that could have easily gone either way. The Gauloises Gals
were consistently robbed by the continued fine play of Jill Bardsley while
Ellen White and Karen Carney got no help from the post. Les Bleaus
unquestionably played the better game. Laura Georges and Sonia Bompastor in
particular did a marvelous job aiding their backup keeper, filling in for the
suspended Sapowicz.
After
a first half defined by compact and disciplined defending, Hope Powell and
Bruno Bini were satisfied enough to leave their respective elevens in place.
The Froggies kept their edge in the attacking third, by some accounts out-shooting
the lionesses twelve to one. It thus came as something of a surprise when Jill
Scott scored against the run of play in the 59th. Rachel Yankey
patiently surveyed her options from the middle of the pitch.
Whilst she perused, Scott split Sabrina Viguier and a limping Laure Lepailleur and motioned for a through ball. Yankey obliged and Scott made no mistake, sailing an arching shot over the on-rushing Celine Devile. Undeterred, the Froggies went after their deserved goal tooth and nail.
Substitute Elodie Thomas, in optimum form after her 67th minute introduction, tore up the right flank. Kelly Smith and Faye White were top-notch in neutralizing her crosses. Bardsley turned two of her stingers out for corners. Ellen White also cleared a Lepailleur header off the line as it began to look as if the sustained pressure would come to nothing.
Whilst she perused, Scott split Sabrina Viguier and a limping Laure Lepailleur and motioned for a through ball. Yankey obliged and Scott made no mistake, sailing an arching shot over the on-rushing Celine Devile. Undeterred, the Froggies went after their deserved goal tooth and nail.
Substitute Elodie Thomas, in optimum form after her 67th minute introduction, tore up the right flank. Kelly Smith and Faye White were top-notch in neutralizing her crosses. Bardsley turned two of her stingers out for corners. Ellen White also cleared a Lepailleur header off the line as it began to look as if the sustained pressure would come to nothing.
It all
finally came together in the 87th when Elise Bussaglia walked one in
with the aid of the inner post. Extra time was not in Hope Powell’s calculus.
She had used all three of her substitutions just prior to the goal in the hopes
of eating up some clock and holding on. This proved fatal, with both Kelley
Smith and Faye White sustaining injury in the first period.
Others cramped up, one unfortunate disadvantage female players have to deal with more regularly. Bini was able to replace a cramping Sandrine Breitngy with Eugenie Le Sommer in the 106th. The ball rarely left the English defensive third, the Lionesses very much lucky to have held on for penalty kicks.
Others cramped up, one unfortunate disadvantage female players have to deal with more regularly. Bini was able to replace a cramping Sandrine Breitngy with Eugenie Le Sommer in the 106th. The ball rarely left the English defensive third, the Lionesses very much lucky to have held on for penalty kicks.
The
spot contest began inauspiciously enough for Les Bleaus, a clearly exhausted
Abilly unable to lift an effort over Bardsely. The hobbling Kelly Smith somehow
managed to convert hers and the Lionesses maintained advantage until the fourth
round. Bompastor bulged the net while Claire Rafferty missed wide.
With both sides even, it would be sudden death from the fifth round onwards. The fresh-legged Le Sommer made no mistake while Ellen White caught the wrong side of the bar. Just as their male counterparts habitually do, the Lionesses went down to shootout heartbreak.
With both sides even, it would be sudden death from the fifth round onwards. The fresh-legged Le Sommer made no mistake while Ellen White caught the wrong side of the bar. Just as their male counterparts habitually do, the Lionesses went down to shootout heartbreak.
Time
to rank the departing women. You know the drill, mates. On a scale from one to
ten….
England
Eniola
Aluko
|
9.8
|
Sophie
Bradley
|
9.0
|
Alex
Scott
|
8.6
|
Rachel
Yankey
|
8.4
|
Stephanie
Houghton
|
8.0
|
Karen
Carney
|
7.8
|
Claire
Rafferty
|
7.7
|
Rachel
Unitt
|
7.5
|
Jessica
Clarke
|
7.2
|
Faye
White
|
7.0
|
Kelly
Smith
|
6.5
|
Karen
Bardsley
|
5.6
|
Casey
Stoney
|
5.5
|
Ellen
White
|
5.4
|
Fara
Williams
|
5.3
|
Dunia
Susi
|
5.2
|
Anita
Asante
|
5.1
|
Jill
Scott
|
5.0
|
Laura
Bassett
|
4.6
|
Deutschland vs. Japan
vs. 
How confident am I? Japan has never beaten a European team!
Naturally this means nothing. Should Japan be able to establish their short
passing game, confidence will grow exponentially with each five yard connect.
I’m genuinely frightened. The rather lethargic loss to England should be taken
with a grain of salt, as the Nadeshiko received no real opportunity
to showcase their set piece skills.
If there happens to one team extra vulnerable to set pieces
in this tournament, it is my beloved “Frauenmannschaft”. Furthermore, these are
notoriously robust and clumsy women, for whom an innocuous challenge often
becomes a lumbering elephantine tackle. Don’t ask me how I know that.
The lynchpin of this game will be controlling traffic in the midfield. Thankfully, Kulig is back and Behringer should be fit. Seeing as how Da Mbabi and Garefreckas must be exhausted, I’d like to see my future wife, the woman currently carrying my child in her enormous forehead--Fatmire Bajramaj-- sooner rather than later. For all the talk, Prinz and Popp could be very effective substitutions.
The lynchpin of this game will be controlling traffic in the midfield. Thankfully, Kulig is back and Behringer should be fit. Seeing as how Da Mbabi and Garefreckas must be exhausted, I’d like to see my future wife, the woman currently carrying my child in her enormous forehead--Fatmire Bajramaj-- sooner rather than later. For all the talk, Prinz and Popp could be very effective substitutions.
Bartusiak and Peter have been spectacular at the back, but
might have serious difficulty handling the explosive play of Ohno (and later)
Iwabuchi. Japan is extremely deep, with Maruyama, Tanaka, and Kawasumi all
available should the team need a forward spark.
If there exists a glimmer of hope, it is the abysmal recent play of keeper Ayumi Kaihori, who doesn’t seem to understand the importance of not coming off her lines when two center backs still have work to do. Presumably, she’ll be inclined toward some overcompensation that might be exploitable.
If there exists a glimmer of hope, it is the abysmal recent play of keeper Ayumi Kaihori, who doesn’t seem to understand the importance of not coming off her lines when two center backs still have work to do. Presumably, she’ll be inclined toward some overcompensation that might be exploitable.
Were I neutral, I’d have no qualms about making this a pick.
Not only am I not neutral, I consistently fail to resist the urge to make life
entirely too complicated. This seems only fair. Over the past nine years of
keeping an international football book, I’ve accrued more friends and
immediately began working on manipulating your inherent sense of international
pride. I just finished doing it above not a half-hour ago. In the spirit of the
fellowship with which these letters are written, I shall uphold my promise that
you will always have a chance to profit from my pride.
The spread is high. Go to town, gentlemen.
The spread is high. Go to town, gentlemen.
Komm doch, Mädels! Das Halbfinale müßt ihr zumindestens
schaffen!
THE
LINE: Deutschland +2
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes— 3-1
Penalty Shootout— 4-1
Garefreckas brace –2-1
Grings brace – 2-1
Kulig from range – 2-1
Bajramaj from range – 3-1
Angerer howler – 3-1
Faißt substitution (70+) – 4-1
Hingst substitution (65+) –3-1
Schmidt start – 3-1
Ohno brace –3-1
Miyama brace – 3-1
Sawa brace – 3-1
Sawa Hat Trick –5-1
Iwabuchi substitution (75+) –2-1
Utsugi substitution (45+) –3-1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Japan 1, Germany 0. (120 a.e.t.) As per our custom, I must beg your favor
briefly. Ahem. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Verdammt, Mädels. Nothing I
hate more than writing about a premature German departure. Oh well. Let’s do this.
Neid
largely kept faith in the original starting eleven, with one notable exception.
Following her exhilarating performance in the previous match, Inka Grings was
moved up to the lone striker slot, swapping places with da Mbabi. Tremendous
blow to the Super Mädels in the sixth minute when Kim Kulig popped her ankle.
Neid was forced to use an 8th minute substitution and ghetto rig the
formation. The spit-and-glue solution was to bring on Bianca Schmidt and move
Bresonik into midfield.
Sadly, the Kraut Ladies never became fully comfortable with this arrangement. Offensive chances were at a premium with the possession third so seriously downgraded. Da Mbabi and Behringer produced some rising efforts, but nothing that seriously troubled Kaihori.
Sadly, the Kraut Ladies never became fully comfortable with this arrangement. Offensive chances were at a premium with the possession third so seriously downgraded. Da Mbabi and Behringer produced some rising efforts, but nothing that seriously troubled Kaihori.
The
returning Behringer certainly made her presence felt, keeping Kaihori awake
with some distance efforts after the restart. She also picked out Simone
Laudehr with a fine set-piece cross that was headed past Kaihori. Rightback
Yukari Kinga was in position to clear the potential opener off the line. As the
game wore on, it was Behringer again with a golden opportunity in the 88th.
This time Garefrekcas found her in space only for her to send the sure goal
into the fourth row of seats. The utter failure of the Bresonik experiment led to her substitution in the 65th.
This left Neid with only one substitution to work with in thirty minutes of extra time. It was Popp for Grings in 102nd. The laggard pace of the remaining ten illustrated that more desperately needed to be done Peter, Laudehr, and Bartusiak could barely walk.
This left Neid with only one substitution to work with in thirty minutes of extra time. It was Popp for Grings in 102nd. The laggard pace of the remaining ten illustrated that more desperately needed to be done Peter, Laudehr, and Bartusiak could barely walk.
In 108th,
backup forward Karina Maruyama outran the lethargic trio to claim a loose ball
on the right flank. Angerer did just about all she could in terms of challenging
the shooter, coming out three strides while keeping an eye out for a centering
pass. Maruyama didn’t have to do much to beat her either near or far side. The
Philadelphia Independence striker opted for the latter and the rest is history.
Two more half-hearted chances from Behringer and da Mbabi closed us out as the
Vaterland limped all the way to the final whistle.
Time
to rank the departing women. You know the drill, mates. On a scale from one to
ten….
Deutschland
Fatmire
Bajramaj
|
10.0
|
Alexandra
Popp
|
9.7
|
Lena
Gößling
|
9.3
|
Simone
Laudehr
|
8.8
|
Linda
Bresonik
|
8.5
|
Kim
Kulig
|
7.9
|
Ariana
Hingst
|
7.8
|
Bianca
Schmidt
|
6.9
|
Celia
Oko da Mbabi
|
6.7
|
Inka
Grings
|
6.6
|
Babbet
Peter
|
5.8
|
Saskia
Bartusiak
|
5.3
|
Vereina
Faißt
|
5.1
|
Annike
Krahn
|
5.0
|
Martina
Müler
|
4.8
|
Birget
Prinz
|
4.4
|
Kersten Garefreckas
|
3.0
|
Melanie
Behringer
|
2.8
|
Nadine
Angerer
|
2.0
|
Sunday
Sweden vs. Australia
vs. 
The most unpredictable of our four matches, there is simply no telling which “Matildas” side will show up. Actually there is, and I’ve already written their obituary. Servet Unzular travels the winding road to absolute collapse. Kim Carroll and Elise Knight are overworked. Melissa Barbeieri is in the midst of a crisis of confidence. With the entire back line a wreck, Forsberg, Oqvist, and Fischer will surely be able to send a few through balls Schelin’s way. Caroline Seger will also be back, brimming with great ideas of how to chip something in Schelin’s direction. The true Scandinavian Sorceress can only miss so much.
What a wonderful run it’s been for our “outback ovaries”.
Collette McCallum can boot it better than Totti ever could. Kyah Simon has
proven herself the rare narcissist with the ability to back it up. Samantha
Kerr has balls….not literally….you get what I’m trying to say. She runs forward
with reckless abandon. Lisa de Vanna and Emile van Egmond have impeccable
timing and are immaculate with the head……again you get what I’m trying to say.
It has been a magical summer watching the thunder from down
under find their flair. Unfortunately, they now find themselves bringing a
switchblade into a knife fight. That’s not a knife, lasses. Sweden…now that’s a
knife.
THE
LINE: Sweden +2
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— 3 to 1
Penalty Shootout— 4 to 1
Schelin brace –2-1
Landstrom brace – 3-1
Forsberg brace –4-1
Schelin Hat Trick –3-1
Forsberg from range 4-1
Svensson Howler 4-1
Fischer substitution (45+) 2-1
Goransson substitution (85+) 2-1
McCallum crushes set piece 2-1
Simon brace 3-1
De Vanna brace 3-1
Van Egmond brace 4-1
Van Egmond Hat Trick 5-1
Colinthorpe substitution (65+) 3-1
Alleway substitution (75+) 3-1
Perry substitution (45+) 2-1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Sweden 3, Australia 1. Well, this cracking game certainly went a long way
toward washing the bitter taste of defeat out of my mouth. Made a great of
money off the Anglo bias as well. Incredible match. Never a dull moment. Lotta
Schelin showed off her cherry picking skills, snatching away a Collette
McCallum back pass in the 2nd for a heart stopping drive.
Unfortunately she lost her bearings on the final touch and we were denied an
explosive start.
Irrespective
of the Lyon forward’s stumble, we didn’t have to wait long for the opening
goal. Eight minutes later, Schelin outmaneuvered Elise Perry with an
ultra-scissors move and cutback for Therese Sjogran. The Malmo Maiden took one
steadying touch before blasting a monster of a goal that got everyone’s blood
pumping. Five minutes later Sjorgan found herself the deliverer, setting up
Lisa Dahlkvist with a square cross.
The Swedish onslaught continued until the 40th minute when the rookie Perry redeemed herself with a sparking 40-yard tomahawk that challenged Monica Ocampo for the “goal of the tournament”. After taking a diagonal corner, she let fly with what appeared to be a heat-seeking missile that looked as if it might break through the netting of the left corner.
The Swedish onslaught continued until the 40th minute when the rookie Perry redeemed herself with a sparking 40-yard tomahawk that challenged Monica Ocampo for the “goal of the tournament”. After taking a diagonal corner, she let fly with what appeared to be a heat-seeking missile that looked as if it might break through the netting of the left corner.
Just
when it seemed the Matildas had won back the momentum, another appallingly
defensive humiliation cost them yet another goal. Mercifully, it wasn’t Servet
Uzunlar this time, but Kim Carroll. She played a terrible ball back to the
keeper in spite of the fact that Schelin was patrolling. The patrolling Schelin
took possession and out-deked Barbieri with ease for a 52nd minute
goal. Previous heroines Kyah Simon, Lisa De Vanna, and Tameka Butt had chances
to gain still more glory, but very poor finishing ensured the score line would
remain as it was.
Time to rank the departing women. You
know the drill, mates. On a scale from one to ten….
Australia
Collette
McCallum
|
10.0
|
Ellyse
Perry
|
9.8
|
Kyah
Simon
|
9.6
|
Laura
Alleway
|
9.5
|
Caitlin
Foord
|
8.0
|
Servet
Uzunlar
|
7.7
|
Emily
van Egmond
|
7.4
|
Leena
Khamis
|
7.2
|
Teigen
Allen
|
6.8
|
Elise
Kellond-Knight
|
5.9
|
Heather
Garriock
|
5.7
|
Melissa
Barbieri
|
5.5
|
Samantha
Kerr
|
5.3
|
Kim
Carroll
|
5.1
|
Lauren
Colthorpe
|
4.8
|
Tameka
Butt
|
4.4
|
Lisa
De Vanna
|
3.9
|
Clare
Polkinghorne
|
3.6
|
Sally
Shipard
|
2.8
|
USA vs. Brazil
vs. 
Don’t despair, U.S. Fans. There’s no such thing as a tournament without adversity. Be grateful you went through it early and can glean valuable lessons in time to adjust. As a direct result of finishing second, you’ve assured all of us that you can’t meet Germany in the semi-finals. Looks to be a great stretch run.
The task before you certainly seems daunting, especially
given all the Marta hype. Allow me to allay your fears. She’s played over 270
minutes! Rosana also has little left in the tank. The glaring lack of depth on
this Brazilian side will prove their downfall. Beatriz and Roseanna cannot
literally “come off the couch” to help the squad win a quarterfinal match.
Daring coaching decisions also happen to the most imprudent. Keeper Andreia may
also be classified as brave, if not somewhat rash.
By contrast, you have a team that, should Pia Sundhagen opt
for a smart lineup, is overflowing with talent. No reason to be too hard on
yourselves for what was an accidental (if obvious) penalty and an unlucky carom
off Le Peilbet’s hipbone. O’Reilly should be fit and Krieger is in as good a
form as I’ve ever seen. Lloyd, Boxx, Lindsey and Heath give you excellent
midfield options….no matter how piss poor Rapinoe is playing. Morgan and Cheney
can always pick up the slack for Wambach and Rodriguez. Your attacking options
are very strong.
In summation, with a tight back four and world-class keeper
you simply cannot lose. There will be no dancing from Marta, no volleys from
Fabiana, and no clear chances in the box for Erika. Rejoice, all ye Yanks, for
you will soon be able to say “We beat Brazil…..in women’s football.”
THE
LINE: USA +2
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— 3 to 1
Penalty Shootout— 4 to 1
Wambach brace – 3-1
Morgan brace – 2-1
Rodriguez brace – 3-1
O’Reilly from range 3-1
Krieger from range 4-1
Mitts substitution (70+) 2-1
O’Hara substitution (80+) 4-1
Solo howler 4-1
Marta brace 3-1
Rosanna brace 3-1
Andreia howler 2-1
Renata Costa substitution (70+) 3-1
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
USA 3, Brazil 2. (5:3 PSO) USA! USA! USA! Despite the Samba Queens’ best
efforts to cheat Sam’s Angels out of it, they came through in a pulsating
Dresden encounter. No one was left sitting throughout this exhilarating
fixture. Abby Wambach came through in the most dramatic of fashions. My cell
phone exploded as no fewer that forty ecstatic Americans all tried to ring in
at once. Indeed, the disappointment of the previous day was more than
forgotten. My book was tilted heavily towards the black. U.S. fans far and wide
were captivated by the beautiful game. Life was good.
We
were underway two minutes in when Shannon Boxx threw in a cross for Abby
Wambach, at the time dueling against Brazilian defender Daiane. The ball
bounced off the cluster of appendages and rolled into the back of net. Wambach
was credited with the goal while the replay officials tried to sort out the
whole tangled mess. The initial ruling would later be overruled, Daiane
credited with an own goal. Rampone nearly served Wambach up with a legitimate
goal in 4th, the energetic Americans setting the early tone. At the
other end, Marta struggled to establish herself. For most of the first half she
was the only Samba Queen running forward. Unfortunately for her, Christine Rampone
and Rachel Buehler also came to play. Twice they stopped one of her sparkling
pushes dead it in tracks with some vital tackling.
Buehler
executed what appeared to be a perfectly legal tackle on Marta in the box
twenty minutes after the restart. The Australian official saw otherwise,
pointing to the spot and awarded Buehler a straight red. Replays remain less
than conclusive, but insofar as I can tell Marta merely tripped over her own
feet in the middle of a turn. Marta should have received her just desserts
after Hope Solo saved the penalty full stretch to her left. However, the flags
were up for an offside decision that was subjective at best. Solo dove to her
left again on the re-take. This time Marta beat her by choosing her right. 68
minutes in we were all level. More distressing, the U.S. were reduced to ten
after the loss of their defensive stalwart.
Sundhage
refused to reorganize into a more defensive set. She brought on striker Alex
Morgan to supplement her already attacking-minded selection of Rapinoe. As
admirable as this was, it may have also contributed to a series of defensive
breakdowns occurring from the last ten minutes of normal time well into the
added period. Marta collected a brace in the 92nd with an acrobatic
turn kick only a few degrees short of a bicycle. Replays showed that Maurine
was offside on the left flank and the play should have been ruled dead, this
despite the fact that she wasn’t involved in the play. In general, one had to
tip one’s cap to Marta’s amazing ability. It still wasn’t entirely fair that
Sam’s Angels were now behind.
One
can bitch about the ref’s having an “off-game” all one wants, but the U.S.
wouldn’t have equalized had they not gotten one critical decision right.
Brazilian coach Kleiton Lima had clearly instructed his players to milk the
clock. Midfielder Erika feigned injury in the 117th, rolling around
on the deck in an egregious act of pure simulation. She wasted two minutes of
clock while the team doctors tended to her and another minute after calling for
the stretcher. As soon as she was carted off to the sidelines, she underwent a
miraculous recovery, hopping off the stretcher and sprinting back onto the
pitch. Thankfully, Australian referee Jacqui Melksam took note and carded her
for delay of game. More importantly, she indicated to the fourth official that
there would be three minutes of added time at the end of the period.
Sam’s Angels needed every last second of that injury time to score the goal that would send the game to penalty kicks. After several frustrating crossbar clanks, Meghan Rapinoe finally booted a long ball to an astutely positioned Wambach. Wambach used all her height to head in for the 123rd minute goal on what turned out to be the game’s second-to-last-play. After exchanging drawls of “goooooooooool” with two mates while the call-waiting incessantly beeped, I simply HAD to turn the cell phone off in order not to miss the penalties.
All
five American players converted. The goat in this instance was none other than
the scorer of the own goal in the second minute. Poor Daiane just had surely
the worst game of her career, failing to get past Solo in the fourth round. Her
miss set up my German darling Ali Krieger to be the heroine. She emphatically
rifled it into the left corner and the party was on. Regrettably, she didn’t
take her shirt off.
Time
to rank the departing women. You know the drill, mates. On a scale from one to
ten….
Brazil
Erika
|
9.6
|
Fabiana
|
9.4
|
Maurine
|
8.3
|
Esther
|
8.0
|
Renata
Costa
|
7.6
|
Beatriz
|
7.4
|
Cristiane
|
7.2
|
Thais
Guedes
|
7.0
|
Marta
|
6.7
|
Grazielle
|
6.5
|
Rosana
|
6.4
|
Formiga
|
6.0
|
Andreia
|
5.7
|
Francielle
|
5.5
|
Roseane
|
5.0
|
Daiane
|
4.5
|
Elaine
|
4.4
|
Danielle
|
4.2
|
Aline
|
2.0
|
