Laikala (once again) U.S. Syndicate members,
Only twelve teams left and a mere eight match days before you don’t have to deal with me anymore! Woo-hoo! On a more sentimental note, syndicate members, thanks for all of the responses, bets, SMSs, phone calls, taunts, and counter essays. Even if you dropped me just one line, it’s a surreal pleasure to hear from someone you’ve heard nothing from for 2-4 years! All of you have managed to touch the soul of the crankiest misanthropic hermit since the hypothetical love child of Nietzsche and Schopenhauer. Before I crawl back into my cave to rant at myself, I’ll write a baroque tribute to all of you. J Today you’ll have to settle for a Vice-rant. It was made especially cantankerous and disjointed…….just for you JJJ
So those two blown calls today didn’t really affect the
outcomes of today’s lopsided games, right? WRONG! We….*sniff**sniff* messed
with the “sensitive emotional equilibrium” of the teams. Waaaaaaah!! Nothing
was ever the same for them after we frayed their fragile nerves. We shattered
the feeble confidence of a bunch of innocent victims. Whine, whine, whine,
whine. Need some cheese to go along with your incessant WHINE!?!?! In case, like Ford Prefect, you have
difficulty picking up sarcasm, allow me to be blunt: SHUT THE FUCK UP!! I feel
like shaving every U.S. announcer’s head with a cheese grater! What the
almighty blessed fuck is wrong with you guys?
FACT: Football would benefit from some tried and tested Goal
Line technology
FACT: Football has always had bad calls. The sport is also
unique in that it gives you 90
FULL MINUTES (or even 120 minutes) to work hard and rectify
any bad luck you might have had. Don’t give me this shit about how the bad call
interrupted the flow of the game and forced us to change our tactics, Capello.
You have to give it all on the pitch no matter what. If, at the end of the day,
your best efforts are not good enough overcome superior quality or better and
smarter play…you have to take it….(like a man)
How absurd is it that a guy who has withdrawn from two grad
programs, quit over two dozen jobs, and changed his addresses fifteen times in
the last six years continues to lecture football fans on “the breaks”’. Not as
much as you might think. Life is neither just nor fair….ever. I genuinely
disdain a bunch of farmers complaining about the weather. At the end of the
day, the weather is the weather. You have to accept it and move on, or at least
move your ass. Move it on the pitch or make some dramatic changes in your life.
The clock ticks slower than you think. You still have plenty of time to do what
you need to do.
If you still don’t agree with my profound hatred for instant
replay (even if it means a “Hand of God” Goal makes my father cry) consider
this: Why is it that we have to read about record-breaking divorce settlements
every other day? Why is it that Tiger Wood’s Nanny gets half of the money that
HE earned just because “Well, sniff, wah, boo-hoo, I’ve become accustomed to
this lifestyle and it would be unfair for me to have to, whine whine, bitch,
snicker, have to forfeit the life that I’m entitled to just because of his
mistakes.” Grrrrrrrrr. Take a page from Seneca and consider life unfair at face
value! Fight hard no matter what hand life deals you. In both instances this
afternoon, the better team won. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Send offs
“Three Lions” of England (4 games played, 21 Hot Girls) 
Like the series finale of “The Tudors”, our farewell to the
Limeys is sentimental, but not full of rueful regret. It was time for this team
to go. It was time for this national club to engage in a bout of
soul-searching, re-think their strategy and team selection methods. Nabbing the
best Premiership players from the best league in the world may give you the
best team on paper. Paper is also quite useful for wiping your ass with. Like
my ass, this overstocked team was fair too hairy and full of competing “beauty
moles”. Also like my ass, this team was far too flatulent, letting out brain
farts all over the pitch, as these players simply could not coordinate creative
activity. I fail to understand why Peter Crouch never seems to be considered
for a starting role. He may have failed a few fitness tests, but he’s a goddamn
striker!! Put him in if you want aerial supremacy on every cross!!
Congratulations England. You again failed to win the World
Cup. As a consolation prize, please accept all the money I lost betting on you
and two tasteful metaphors involving my ass.
The “Aztec Warriors” of Mexico (4 games played, 26 Hot
Girls) 
Yes, yes. I know that the technical name of the Mexican team
is “El Tri” (The three [colors]. I’ve simply lost my patience with Latin
American teams that can come up with no better team nickname than the fucking
shades on their tricot! The magnificent fans of this team deserve a more
intimidating moniker. We’ll miss you, beaners. You may not be as industrious as
the Hondurans, but you are a vital part of our country. An excellent young
Mexican team will be back for the CONCACAF Cup in two years. Maybe this time
you’ll manage to beat the Americans, and not just with bags of urine J
Hasta la vista, Amigos!
Matches--
Netherlands vs. Slovakia
vs. 
Vladimir Weiss made some brilliant alterations to put the wops out of their misery. What an exceptionally ballsy move leaving out your son! My father was quite good at doing that as well, but he didn’t have the cool pinstripe suit that you always wear! It has been a magical ride for the forgotten half of Czechoslovakia. Now enter the reaper. This should be another smooth ride for our flying Dutchmen. Glad you got your girls back! Now let’s work on your god-awful beer…….
Projected Lineups:
“Clockwork Orange”
1) Maarten Stekelenberg
2) Klaus Jan Huntelaar
3) John Heitinga
4) Giovanni van Bronckhorst
5) Khalid Boularhouz
6) Mark van Bommel
7) Nigel de Jong
8) Robin van Persie
9) Wesley Sneijder
10) Rafaael van der Vaart
11) Dirk Kuyt
“Repre”
1) Jan Mucha
2) Jan Durica
3) Martin Skrtel
4) Radoslav Zabanik
5) Peter Pekarik
6) Vladamir Weiss
7) Zdeno Strba
8) Robert Vittek
9) Mareck Hamsik
10) Erik Jendrisek
11) Stanislav Sestak
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— 3 to 1
Penalty Shootout— 4 to 1
Van Persie brace –3 to 1
Van Persie hat trick—4 to 1
Edwin van der Saar substitution (30+) – 8 to 1
Dirk Kuyt groin kick –4 to 1
Rafaael van der Vaart defensive mistake –3 to 1
Sneiijder Straight Red--5 to 1
Van Bommel brace —3 to 1
Weiss Start – 2 to 1
Weiss substitution (70+) –2 to 1
Hamsek brace – 4 to 1
Jendrisek substitution (80+) – 3 to 1
Vittek brace-- 4 to 1
Skrtel set piece goal—3 to 1
Pekarik defensive error—2 to 1
Durica booking—2 to 1
Sestak hat trick—6 to 1
THE
LINE: Netherlands +2
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Netherlands 2, Slovakia 1. It was the Oranje’s match to lose and Marwijk played
it safe. He dusted off Mathijsen and van der Viel to boost a defensive
backfield seven men strong. Stacked at the back, the Dutch were able to
effectively dictate the pace. With the entire back third looking like a
Tennessee tailgate, The “Weiss Squad” didn’t come close to contesting. At the
other end, the superior Dutch strikers wore down the Slovak back four. Robben,
van Perise, and Sneijder all came close to scoring in the opening ten minutes.
In the 18th it was Robben outwitted the exhausted trio of Zabavnik,
Skrtel, and Durica. After a sparkling individual ran past Zabavnik, he dragged
back to throw off Durica and cut inside to blow past Skrtel. The play concluded
with a fine strike from 25 yards that zipped past Muncha’s outstretched palms.
Weiss
reorganized his men into a more attack-minded 4-4-2, but only Jendrisek and
Vittek were able to generate a shot on goal. In the 81st, Dirk Kuyt
confirmed what we all considered the inevitable result, chasing down a loose
ball with Muncha out of position and crossing for Wesley Sneijder for the prod
in. Mathijsen and Stekelenburg combined to drag down Vittek in the 93rd
for an inconsequential penalty. The final scoreline thus gives one the false
impression that this one was close.
Brazil vs. Chile
vs. 
What lame cliché to write about Chile? Hmmmm… Let’s get vertical!!
0
O.K. Nothing novel I can find in my arsenal. Nothing more to
say about Chile. Fitting as we are about to witness a 2002 repeat. Goodbye
Chile!! Hello “Chile Beer”!! glug, glug,glug
Projected Lineups:
“Samba Kings”
1) Julio Ceasar
2) Juan
3) Lucio
4) Michel Bastos
5) Maicon
6) Josuye
7) Gilberto Silva
8) Luis Fabiano
9) Kaka
10) Robinho
11) Elano
“El Equippo de Todos”
1) Claudio Bravo
2) Waldo Ponce
3) Gonzalo Jara
4) Mauricio Isla
5) Arturo Vidal
6) Marco Estrada
7) Mark Gonzalez
8) Rodrigo Millar
9) Humberto Suazo
10) Jean Beausejour
11) Alexis Sanchez
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— 6 to 1
Penalty Shootout— 8 to 1
Robinho brace –3 to 1
Kaka brace—3 to 1
Fabiano brace—4 to 1
Robinho hat trick – 3 to 1
Lucio from outside the 18—3 to 1
Grafitite Substitution (75+)—2 to 1
Ceasar Clean Sheet –3 to 1
Sanchez brace –5 to 1
Estrada Set piece goal—3 to 1
Suazo Start—2 to 1
Isla from outside the 18—4 to 1
THE
LINE: Brazil +2
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Brazil 3, Chile 0. Unknown to me at the time, this would constitute the third
time Brazil would knock their coastal counterparts out of the World Cup Finals.
1962, 1998, and now 2010. A subject of interest next tournament will be whether
the Germans TKO the Argentines or the Black Stars sucker punch Uncle Sam.
Without Medel, Ponce, and Estrada “La Roja Americana” were nothing more than
bait to be devoured by the Brazilian Juggernaut. They were utterly demolished.
Dunga
stuck Robinho behind Luis Fabiano, with Kaka supporting them both. The trio
produced plenty of dazzle in the opening minutes, all of them getting good
looks at goal. Also firing from range were Ramires, Gilberto Silva, and Maicon.
Under constant bombardment, the Chileans could do little beyond the
implementation of a few dirty tricks. Pablo Contreras definitely should have
been thrown out after a reckless challenge on Lucio in the box. As the first half
drew to a close, the Samba Kings opened the floodgates with a quick one-two
succession. Juan headed a Maicon corner home in the 35th. In the 38th
it was Robinho to Kaka to Fabiano for a polished second. The Chileans could
only muster one shot on goal in the entire first half.
Two
halftime substitutions left them no better off. The midfield was a mess, with
Kaka and Ramires cutting off any momentum forward. Ramires sliced through three
white shirts in the 59th before setting up Robinho for the third goal.
Mercifully, this one came to a close absent any serious humiliation.
