Shosholoza Syndicate members,
And then there were ten. One more day of football madness and eight teams, fifty some odd syndicate members, and one exhausted bookie can take a day of to lie in the sun, stare contemplatively at a like, or put those “courtesy condoms” placed on their pillows in African hotels to good use. A pleasant two-day “Vuvuzela vacation” to everyone.
We’ll pick up the irreverence on Friday J
Two fantastic matches to send you off with! May the taste of
scorching goals, intriguing quarterfinal matches, and potentially the best “Hot
Girls” Day of the tournament linger in your mouth like a case of Keystone
DryIceLite and five pounds of King Crab legs soaked in garlic butter. (Not
recommended for anyone who favors a solid stool). Regardless, tune in for what
promises to be a spectacular Tuesday!
Send offs
“The Velvet Easterners” of Slovakia (4 games played, 14
Hot Girls) 
“Repre” is the formal recognized name of this team, but I’d
like to bestow upon the forgotten “cast off wives” of the velvet divorce
deserve something a little more provocative. Also have no clue what what
“repre” means and am too tired to bother with it. These commensurable bastards
have watched the Czech Republic take everything in the separation. They got the
football team, the hockey team, the beer exports, the EU Membership, the Tom
Cruise movies, and the worthless American slackers who want to spend a few
years smoking pot and teaching English while “getting to know themselves”.
Prague has made us forget that an entire other country other than former Soviet
Satellites and Tito’s “Yugo-Mistako” gained independence. Bravo, Slovaks.
You’ve done your young country proud and reminded us all that there is, in
fact, a country to the East of the Eurailer Terminus! Now you just have to deal
with the fallout from all of those Eli Roth films LL
The Slovaks played with pride and flourish to the very end,
right up until Vittek’s last second penalty kick (which saved me a bit of
coin). Farewell to Vladimir Weiss Sr. (former Czechoslovak superstar now
dribbling saliva in a retirement home), Vladimir Weiss II (current coach of
Slovak team) and Vladimir Weiss III (current hot/cold Slovak/Man City/Bolton
Wanderers midfielder). In this country, only blacks consider a name worthy of a
dynasty LLL
The rest of us are too modest. We’ll miss all of you. You’ve reminded any numbo
who happened to tune into one of your games of the proper pronunciation of my
name. I can never repay you. Actually, having cost me some money, so you should
be repaying me. Guess we’ll call it even.
“The Team
for everyman” from Chile (4 games played, 24 Hot Girls) 
“La Roja” is taken. As evidenced by my frantic attempt to
come up with something clever from yesterday:
“Red Hot Chile Peppers”?—already used
“Chile con Carne”? ---taken
“Chile outside”?—already used
“Chile Forecast”?---already used
“Chile’s neighborhood bar and grill”? ---far too stupid
“Chile and beans”?—not playing Mexico
“Chillin with Chile”? ---Are you fucking kidding me?
“Chile Beer”?---Mmmmmm,…that sounds good right about now.
Nothin like a little Bud Light and Tabasco!! glug, glug. glug
“Chile! The country that is 3,000 miles long and three feet
wide!”---C’mon, Peter. Everybody knows you stole that from “The Onion!”
“Peneira likes to have sex with young boys.”---oh for
heaven’s sake, Vivey, that’s just mean and disrespectful!!!!!!
I’m fresh out of Chile gags. “El Equippo de Todos”
translates to “The team of the everyman”. Thus, it will be the sobriquet by
which we send off some very formidable foes and deserving Latin Americans. I
was ecstatic to see you hombres back in the WM!! You deserve to be here every
four years and don’t you forget it!! Both the U.S. and Germany have had a
somewhat tumultuous relationship with Chile over the past 40 years. I day it’s
about time we bury the Milton Friedman and welcome you to the club of “Too Cool
for School” Nation-States. Sorry about all the Sebastian Peneira jokes. Hope to
see you and your senioritas in four years!!
Matches
Paraguay vs. Japan
vs. 
We’ve gone five whole days without an upset special and I harbor a premonition that this will be our “Round of Sixteen—Cinderella Surprise.” I could never afford a Japanese Princess, but I can swing it financially to make them mine in bookie jargon.
I proudly present five reasons why the Japs will surprise us
all:
1) Asian teams have overachieved in this cup. Reasons
include diligent practice with the Jabulani, insanely meticulous set piece
preparation, the pride associated with a young/energetic fan-base, rapidly improving
domestic leagues, and patient/disciplined defending. This should be the
greatest Asian miracle since the economic recovery. By the way, the injection
of U.S. Funds makes both the German and Asian economic miracles more of a
well-lubricated satisfying fuck).
2) Keisuke Honda and Makote Hasebe are the two greatest
players to ever lace up for the Blue Samurai. Both of these Euro-trained
players with Jap concentration are far from done, or so I am willing to wager.
3) Americans often boast that they produce the best keepers
in the world. As usual, they are as off base as their ignorant political
commentators and their ditzy trophy wives/ The best keeper in the 2006 World
Cup was Kawaguchi. He presently serves as mentor to this tournament’s finest candidate,
Eiji Kawashima. This man can save PKs as effectively as Japanese game shows
destroy one’s integrity.
4) The Japanese fans have heeded my call and showed up to
support their team in droves. Here is a replay of my plea:
“I know it may be more cozy to watch the game on a 52-inch
plasma while simultaneously surfing the web on three computer screens, playing
a few seizure-inducing video-games on your PS3, and watching anime involving
precocious schoolgirls and/or tentacles on WOWOW-TV, but C’mon!! Your team
needs you! Those pupils are looking awfully dilated and you can probably use
some fresh air. Put down the manga and come get drunk with us. Hell, you can
sing all the karaoke you want! I want three JAL Jumbo-Jets packed full of
smoking hot “Perfect 10” Japanese girls headed for Johannesburg immediately.
No? Well, how about a prop-plane full of “6.5”s sent directly to me?”
They, like the shallowly-conceived tree in Avatar, have
heard my call. Welcome, welcome.
5) I’ve already exhausted all stereotypes, so I’ll tell you
about my High School Physics teacher. Yoshi Namba wrapped up his Master’s on
the island of Honshu. He moved to the states and sired a couple of daughters,
blissfully unaware of the peril that awaited him. Misbehaving American juveniles
would soon cancel out his thoughtful lesson plans and make his life a living
hell. He would eventually lose confidence in himself and concede that he was
but a poorly qualified Scientist living in a world for which he was not
qualified. Despite all of this, the story ends neither for “Thug Namba”, nor
for the “Blue Samurai”. They shall fight (fought)! They shall inspire
(inspired)! They shall let their brilliance shine through! This team will bring
the passion on karaoke night to the pitch and prove to us all that there is
only one team with the suffix “guay” that belong in the quarterfinals
BANZAI….MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
Projected Lineups:
“La Albiroja”
1) Justo Villar
2) Antonin Alcatraz
3) Paulo da Silva
4) Claudio Morel Rodriguez
5) Cristian Riveros
6) Christian Riveros
7) Victor Cacera
8) Nelson Valdez
9) Enrique Vera
10) Roque Santa Cruz
11) Lucas Barrios
“The Blue Samurai”
1) Eiji Kawashima
2) Marcus Tanaka
3) Yuijo Nakazawa
4) Yuto Nagatomo
5) Yuichi Komano
6) Yuki Abe
7) Ysuhito Endo
8) Makote Hasebe
9) Yoshtio Okobu
10) Keisuke Honda
11) Daisuke Matsui
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---3 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— 2 to 1
Roque Santa Cruz brace–3 to 1
Makote Hasebe brace—4 to 1
Keisuke Honda hat trick – 5to 1
Abe straight red –4 to 1
Kawashima penalty save (normal time) -3 to 1
Nato Kan stops in --6 to 1
Inanmoto substitution (80+)—3 to 1
Tamada substitution (65+) – 2 to 1
Endo crushes from outside the 18—3 to 1
Matsui dives in the box-- 5 to 1
Enrique Vera crushes a set piece – 3 to 1
Cardozzo substitution (85+) 3 to 1
Barreto substitution (85+) 2 to 1
Da silva goal – 3 to 1
Nagatomo goal – 3 to 1
Three plus shots of empress in stands –2 to 1
Seven plus shots of Japanese bowling pin costumes--2 to 1
UPSET SPECIAL ALERT!!
THE
LINE: Japan +1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Paraguay 1, Japan 0. 5:3 PSO. The Jap-o-phile lost a hefty chunk of change
here. What a devastating result, nailed at the last minute. The Blue Samurai
huddled together before the start of each period, imbuing one with the sense
that they were exchanged inspiring words worthy of a Hollywood C-lister. Alas,
there was to be no “Mighty Ducks” moment for the Japs. No knuckle-puck.
Instead, it was the Latins by the skin of their teeth. A lousy conclusion to a
lousy game.
Both
sides spread out a nearly identical 4-5-1 and were we privy to commentary
suspiciously similar to a “Simpson’s” episode. “The right back passes to the
left back…oh the left back passes it back the right back…oh my goodness, look
at what’s happened now…the right back has passed it back to the left back.
Whatever next?” Even the Japanese announcers were decidedly subdued. Roque
Santa Cruz and Lucas Barrios managed some decent efforts in the first half. A
forty-minute interval when nothing of even trivial interest occurred followed.
Okado
and Martino tried to inject some pace at the hour mark, bringing in extra
strikers Nelson Valdez and Shinji Okozaki. Nevertheless the star of the second
half remained….no one. I humbly propose we send a chicken out onto the pitch
during such stretches. Again the trainers did level best. Barreto and Cardozo.
Nakamura and Tamada. Zilch. Keisuke Honda came close to replicating his
set-piece alchemy, but Justo Villar parried out of harm’s way to herald the end
of added extra time.
Legendary
Japanese keepers warming the bench included both Nagoya’s Seigo Narazaki and
Jubilo’s Yoshi Kawaguchi. Between the two of them they had over sixteen years
of experience and nearly 200 caps. Kawasaki’s Eiji Kawashima was the surprise
last minute selection from this deep pool after some impressive performances in
the tournament friendlies. Okada, always lauded for his keen eye for talent,
might have rued the bold selection here. Kawashima failed to stop a single
shot. On the opposite side the goat was right back Yuichi Kamano. Surely
exhausted after running for the full 120, he failed to keep his well-placed
shot down.
Spain vs. Portugal
vs. 
Get those balls in the air and your butt over here for what should be the most enthralling match of the Round of Sixteen. The two countries on the short-term EU “shit list” feature fantastic football teams and will surely give us a show rivaling “Tori Black and Lexi Belle get Filthy” (Thank you, one artistic porno fan who got that reference!)
The Spanish are notoriously late. They eat dinner late
(generally around 11:30 p.m.) They implement austerity measures late
(Zapatero’s plan would have been appreciated all of 18 months ago!!”. They are
“fashionably” late to the bar (Planning an evening with your Spanish friends?
Don’t bother going to the designated meeting spot until at least 40 minutes
after the scheduled time). They are late for their period (Thank the fuck
Christ, Consuela!! You nearly made my life a “Pan’s Labyrinth” Nightmare!!!)
Accordingly, our Spanish have showed up bit late to this
World Cup. Not to worry, they are rolling now and no one can stop them. Not
even the third runners-up from 2006. Viva L’Espana!!!!!!!!
Projected Lineups:
“La Roja”
1) Iker Casillas
2) Carlos Puyol
3) Gerard Pique
4) Joan Capdevilla
5) Sergio Ramos
6) Xavi Alsono
7) Cesc Fabregas
8) Xavi
9) David Villa
10) Fernando Torres
11) Andres Iniesta
“The Navigators”
1) Eduardo
2) Bruno Alves
3) Ricardo Carvalho
4) Fabio Contrero
5) Pepe
6) Pedro Mendes
7) Raul Meireles
8) Tiago
9) Simao
10) Hugo Almeida
11) Christiano Ronanldo
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— 2 to 1
Villa brace –2 to 1
Villa hat trick—3 to 1
Iniesta brace – 3 to 1
Iniesta hat trick –4 to 1
Christiano Ronaldo crushes set piece –2 to 1
Iker Casillas goalkeeping error-- 3 to 1
Puyol booking for slide tackle—3 to 1
Xavi crushes set piece – 3 to 1
Xavi Alonso brace—3 to 1
Tiago brace –4 to 1
Simao brace – 4 to 1
Sergio Busquets substitution (70+) – 3 to 1
Duda substitution (65+)-- 2 to 1
Christiano Ronaldo dive-- 2 to 1
Almeida glancing header goal--4 to 1
Ricardo Carvalho straight red—4 to 1
Deco substitution (45+)--2 to 1
Bruno Alves goal--- 4 to 1
THE
LINE: Spain +2
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Spain 1, Portugal 0. Iker Casillas silenced all the “Reinanistas” will an
impressive clean sheet under some serious Portuguese pressure. The Iberian
Derby mostly lived up to its billing with breathtaking long-range shots,
elegant footwork, cheeky passing, and quick-witted moves.
Del
Bosque broke ranks and stuck with his previous eleven. Navigator head coach
Carlos Quiroz brought back Hugo Almeida and Simao, refreshed after their brief
holiday. Torres and Villa kept Eduardo on his toes with two early efforts from
distance. Other than those instances, the Navigators clearly looked the
stronger side after 45, La Roja having been bailed out by Casillas on multiple
occasions. Tiago sniped in a real rocket that Casillas could only reflexively
send straight up in the air. With Almeida lurking to his immediate left, he out
muscled the Portuguese striker with impressive strength before deftly punching
away the dangerous rebound. La Roja’s captain again showed superhuman agility
with a reflex save on a Christiano Ronaldo set piece missile a few moments
later.
With a
less cracking pace taking hold after the restart, both coaches shook things up
with 58th minute substitutions. Danny for Hugo Almeida. Llorente for
Torres. Llorente took all of thirty seconds to make his presence known,
courageously diving to head a Xavi cross on goal. Spain maintained possession
off the ensuing corner, Villa just missing after an unlucky deflection. They
kept up the pressure after that corner as well, Iniesta crossing the line after
some creative work that left open a whole range of possibilities. Iniesta sent
it Xavi’s direction. Xavi executed a super-spiffy little one touch flick-on for
Villa, who smashed a hammer that Eduardo had no chance of securing. The rebound
ricocheted right back to him. This time he would bury it. 60th
minute. 1-0 in “The Clash of the Titans”
The
Navigators never fully recovered from the Villa goal. Queiroz tried to bring on
Liedson and Pedro Mendes for a four-striker threat. Nothing came of it. The
only two remaining chances belonged to Villa and Sergio Ramos. Few could deny
they were well on their way to an even more prestigious crown.
