Shall we practice our Dutch, everyone. I cannot claim to
speak Dutch, but I do believe the trick is to begin with fluent German, then
conjecture what a schizophrenic circus performer would say after six hits of
LSD:
Glückwünsch = congratulations = Gleek-ah-wush---aaah
Gut gespielt = well played = gueeeet gepspiiilt---aaah
Fantastiche Mühe! = good effort =
Fane-tashtisheeeeeeeee---moooo-ahhhhh
Viel Glück bei der Finale = good luck in the final ==
veal—ah Glocke-ah biii der Finaley!!
Hab euch schon ausreichend gratuliert? Jetzt würde ich euch
höflich darum bitten, meinen Arsch zu lechen = Having congratulated you enough,
I know wish to cordially invite you to kiss my ass. ---- Jürgen schmergen,
hah-ahh oka doka loka layken hiiii-dega--bogen.
Fuck you, you
German bastards!! So that didn’t work out so well. How about a re-print of my
thoughts on Dutch royalty:
To answer your burning question, NO! Princess Maxima did not
count as one of the Dutch Hot Girls. First and foremost, royalty and/or
celebrity are excluded from this contest. Just like the perverts patrolling the
Internet in order to rekindle some youthful fantasy, the Hot Girls Competition
is strictly after “The girl next door”. This is their chance to shine and the
glory is thus exclusively reserved for them! No, Charlize Theron does not
count. No, Gisele Bündchen does not count! No, a Naomi Campbell recently
returned from the Hauge does not count. No, Iker Casillas’s hot touch-line
reporter does not count! These women already have a reward in store for them.
Namely, they get to have sex with Mick Jagger after the game is over (or maybe
even during a lull during the second half). We will not tolerate any of these
privileged fools in our honest survey! Besides that, Princess Maxima is your
typical royal heir: inbred and haughty. Looking at her should remind you of why
it is not the best idea to breed with your cousins. Did we get that Southern
U.S. contingent?!?!?
****SPECIAL NOTICE TO EVERYONE**********
I must miss tomorrow’s epic. The office requires me. A
shitload of ultimately unimportant work will preclude me from watching this
blockbuster “Clash of the Titans” live LLLLLL
I have but one favor to ask of you: PLEASE NO TEXTS, SMSs, E-MAILS, FACEBOOK
POKES, BEEPS, EYE-PHONE TELEPATHY OR ANYTHING ELSE DURING THE GAME. My friend
twelver of Keystone DryIceLite and I will catch up with you as quickly as we
can after 5:00 p.m. I wish to enjoy the triumph or failure before any update
asshole can get to me. Please respect this wish. JJJJJJJ
THE MATCH
Deutschland vs. Spain
vs.
vs.
So it has all come down to this. Style vs. Precision.
Midfield penetration vs. Effective use of the Flanks. An 11:30 dinner featuring
Tapas and Guitar solos vs. a 6:00 p.m. ingestion of Saumagen and Sauerkraut. An
export-based economy with a modest debt-to-GDP ratio and manageable levels of
inflation vs. a housing construction bubble, a two-tiered set of unions and
domestic consumption stimulus. A country of seemingly separate regions vs. a
region of seemingly separate countries. A…….ah fuck it. I shall concede defeat
and admit I’m at a loss for poorly articulated clichés with which to describe
this match to end all matches. Predicted the outcome of this one is more
difficult than predicting when the EU Policy Community will get their heads out
of their asses and stop inventing hyperbole to justify their jobs. I will,
however, augur the following three:
1) The beleaguered political leader of the winner of this
match will survive what is shaping up to be a very tough autumn. To describe
Zapatero’s austerity measures as “too little to late” is not adequate enough. I
would describe Zapatero as being late enough to suggest that his newborn
daughter be aborted. Meanwhile, Angie is still suffering from the fallout of
the Joachim Gauck near miss. True, true, she only suffered some twelve
defections. Still, her coalition is more unpopular than mandatory male anal
waxing. The leaders need this game!! The loser’s government will not survive
more than 14 months.
2) Tomorrow evening I will be badly drunk between the hours
of 6:30 and 9:30.
3) Whether the Germans win or not, I will be racked with
sorrow. Either my beloved national will have lost, or I will be busy consoling
my Spanish friends (whom I love dearly) about how they still have a good chance
in Euro 2012.
Projected Lineups:
“Die Mannschaft” 
1) Manuel Neuer
2) Jerome Boateng
3) Arne Friedrich
4) Phillip Lahm
5) Per Mertesacker
6) Sami Khedira
7) Mesut Özil
8) Bastian Schweinsteiger
9) Cacau
10) Lucas Podolski
11) Miroslav Klose
“La Fuerta Roja” 
1) Iker Casillas
2) Carlos Puyol
3) Gerard Pique
4) Joan Capdevilla
5) Sergio Ramos
6) Xavi Alonso
7) Cesc Fabregas
8) Xavi
9) David Villa
10) Fernando Torres
11) Andres Iniesta
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— 2 to 1
Villa brace –2 to 1
Villa hat trick—3 to 1
Iniesta brace – 3 to 1
Iniesta hat trick –4 to 1
Puyol straight red—6 to 1
Xavi crushes set piece – 3 to 1
Xavi Alonso brace—3 to 1
Busquets start---3 to 1
Lllorente substitution (65+)—2 to 1
Llorente glancing header goal –3 to 1
Torres injury aggravation—2 to 1
Capdevilla from outside the 18—3 to 1
Sergio Ramos from outside the 18—2 to 1
Ramos/Lahm controversial tackle—3 to 1
Pique booking --- 4 to 1
Klose brace – 3 to 1
Klose hat trick—4 to 1
Klose glancing header –2 to 1
Müller brace—3 to 1
Podolski brace –4 to 1
Cacau brace---5 to 1
Trochowski substitution (75+)—3 to 1
Kroos substitution (85+)---3 to 1
Khedira from outside the 18---4 to 1
Podolski from outside the 18 – 3 to 1
Özil from outside the 18—2 to 1
Mario Gomez Substitution (75+) 2 to 1
Stefan Kießling Substitution (85+) 2 to 1
Holger Badstuber start – 3 to 1
Neuer howler –3 to 1
Schweinsteiger booking—2 to 1
Schweinsteiger straight red—3 to 1
Boateng booking—3 to 1
Neuer Howler ---2 to 1
THE
LINE: Mannschaft +1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Spain 1, Germany 0. The Thomas Müller suspension…shouldn’t have mattered.
Trochowski could have been expected to play well in his absence, giving his
Mannschaft the sort of 90 minutes Müller warranted. The fact remains we were
simply outclassed by del Bosque, who adroitly penciled in Pedro at left wing in
a 4-2-3-1. An inspired choice after the previous game. We lacked inspiration,
from the national anthems to the final whistle.
Pedro
nearly set up Villa with an inspired cutting pass in the 6th. Neuer
barely denied him with some gallant positioning. Iniesta and Puyol provided
another golden opportunity in the twelfth, the latter misdirecting the former’s
cross by mere millimeters. Trochowski only stepped up his game after the half
hour mark, forcing Casillas into his first save with a bit of catching
practice. Miroslav Klose had some cause for grievance after a harsh Sergio
Ramos challenge in the 44th, but replays confirm the lawfulness of
the challenge was inconclusive at best.
Xavi
and Villa perpetuated an offensive assault that was all La Roja after the
restart. Pedro continued to justify his selection over Torres, first grazing
the post, and then picking out Iniesta who quickly squared for Villa. The then
Valencia forward slid for the finish, failing to connect……who the hell knows
how he somehow didn’t get a boot in? He came agonizingly close. On came Toni
Kroos. He ultimately managed to set something in motion for a Mannschaft
getting their asses handed to them. Poldi set him with a cross that he hit
first time straight into the gloves of Casillas.
A 73rd
minute corner from Xavi settled matters. Puyol beat out Mertesacker, Friedrich,
and a few crowding members of his own team to head past an all-too-slow Neuer.
Pedro should have made it 2-0 moments later, but refused to pass to his
nemesis, substitute Fernando Torres. Much like 2008, it was a fair win. In my
discourse on “TKO teams”, I’ve mentioned USA-Ghana, Germany-Argentina, and
Chile-Brazil. I neglect to cite Germany-Spain because….well….we made the
semifinals. That’s good enough.
