Sumi-na-menah syndicate members,
We approach the end of this month of fantastically impertinent free verse. Fairly soon it’ll be time to crawl back in the cave from whence I came. Before anyone gets injured from the champagne corks, I’ll reiterate what a sublime treat it has been unleashing diatribes on a daily basis. Ranting, of course, is no unique skill. Insofar as I’m concerned, it remains a form of sincere flattery. Wouldn’t compose a rant for just anyone. I happen to secretly deeply love all of you bastards. Limeys, wops, and all J Sometimes an outburst of insanity is the best one can do in terms of a token of appreciation. Take the case of one 38-year-old “woman” for whom I’ve ghostwritten numerous academic papers and assisted on 2.1 GBs worth of projects. She was never able to pay me for my services or indeed do anything to reciprocate my kindness. Still, when I was too busy to write her final term paper she was somehow able to present me with the most batshit crazy tirade I think I’ve ever read. She even sent it seven times over the course of three weeks and recruited a few Facebook operatives to harass me with the message just in case I might be tempted to ignore her. Such a pathetic sweetheart JJJ:
“just for your info:
thanks to the fact that you had no time to work on my
research essay, I FAILED it.
and now I am FUCKED!
thanks to you!
It’s all your fault!
My life is ruined because of you!
Hope you feel horrible!
YOUR FAULT, YOUR FAULT, YOUR FAULT!
gut gemacht, bin dir sehr dankbar!”
Yikes. I haven’t seen appreciation like that since the leper
in “The Life of Brian”. Whew! So many crazy bitches in this world. I challenge
anyone to top that! Sarah Palin on mushrooms couldn’t top that. Anyways, let us
politely decline the thinly veiled invitation to “Depress Fest 2010” and get
back to talking football
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
Ah yes. A word or two here. Ordinarily I’m not the type
to openly complain about the work in which I’m engaged. There’s a general barb
or two to be found, mostly something so commonplace they could easily apply to
anyone. One makes such inclusions in the interest of the overall exercise, the
creative thrust of which entails the exploration of far off corners of one’s
own mind. But actually specifically referencing one’s own very private
dealings…that is something I’m not proud of at all. Fell directly into this
bitch’s trap. Her goal was to drain, to rile, and to suck whatever independent
life force I might have out until I behaved just as petty and needy as her.
Given that I sent many of my dearest friends what amounts to something of a
“she said pity plea”, I’d say she succeeded.
There shall always be such draining types out there.
Hell, I’ve probably annoyed more than my fair share of professors with
over-scoped projects or too many office visits. A Shadow Scholar learns to
endure his or her fair share of ultras-needy students along with a sizeable
amount of hate mail. One often confronts a side of humanity that only emerges
during an individual’s weakest hours: An invective insecurity that seeks to
blame any and all others for a personal lack of ability. A majority of those
temporarily trapped in this sad state will respond favorably to a helping hand,
a friendly ear, or genuinely kind favor. A very small minority, like the one
described above, will become dependent and more ferocious, so clinically
obsessed that they will still send you hate mail two years after the fact.
I suppose all I truly wish to say is that the original
passage above was not only inappropriate; it also sends the wrong message.
Assisting others remains worth it, even if you run into a few of the trolls.
Being nice to others frequently reaps rewards, even if some would chose to take
advantage of your kindness. I’ve worked with literally thousands of students
and have accrued only one clinically insane stalker. The odds are in your favor
if you keep caring and don’t give in to cynicism. Most people neither want nor
need your help forever. Assume that it’s temporary and you’ll find yourself
more often right than wrong. If the original text proves anything, it is that
those who complain about all of the work, care, giving, and time they expend on
others are likely in a shallow and needy mood themselves.
Also learn to delete hate mail without paying attention
to it. That’s important too.
Send offs
The “Samba Kings” of Brazil (5 games played, 57 Hot
Girls) 
Two consecutive World Cups with a quarterfinal exit. Phrew.
The once invincible giant is now swooning badly. The tears will flowing like
rain in Rio tonight, trickling down on wonderfully voluminous buttocks and
thunderous thighs. Time for Kaka to admit that the Jesus Cleats aren’t working
and indeed that God appears to indeed be falling asleep at the controls. Guess
Brazil will simply have to be content with Latin America’s only
global-recession-proof economy, the 2014 World Cup, the 2016 Olympics, and
fastest growing GDP per capita in both the Southern and Western hemispheres J
Yes I feel sorry for all the those hopefuls in the favelas this evening. At
least the country is finally rising.
“Black Stars” of Ghana (5 games played, 33 Hot Girls) 
This is not the way I wanted to say goodbye!! An
indigestible penalty miss of THIS magnitude!!!! There clearly is no God, or at
least you’ve provided ammunition to all the “Africa is inferior” supremacists
out there. What a supreme letdown. It’s almost as if I’ve built an enormous
African Renaissance statute at great expense paid directly North Koreans and
the whole slab of marble turned out to be a phallic waste of taxpayer
money……..ooops I was thinking of Senegal. Of no consequence. You let us down,
Ghanaians. We were all behind you. Instead, you let an insignificant country of
4 million half-wops take all the glory. I’ll never forgive you for this…………
Matches
Argentina vs. Germany
vs. 
Too often we find ourselves in this situation. I’m running out of jokes faster than Argentine-sheltered NAZI war criminals are dying off. The contentious end to the 2006 Quarterfinals match has raised the temperature of this encounter from “heated rivalry” to “powder keg in smoking lounge”. Here is a quick (chronological no less) review of the explosive elements that might send this one sky high.
1) WM--June 2006
Germany defeats Argentina during quarterfinals on penalty
kicks. Argentine players accuse German keeper Jens Lehman of “cheating”
(looking at a sheet with shooting tendencies). Bastian Schweinsteiger
purportedly steps on foot of demoralized Shoot-out goat Esteban Cambiasso.
Melee ensues. Some twenty plus players engage in fisticuffs on the pitch.
Germany assistant coach Oliver Bierhof also implicated.
2) WM—July 2006
Wops ask FIFA to review videotape of the scrum. Ahead of
Italy match, Schweinsteiger and two other players suspended for their role in
post-game fight. Clever wops strategy works. Glorious fatherland falls to
greasy, melodramatic, bunch of douche bags on its own soil. Peter’s Fourth of
July ruined. LL
3) August 2008—Diego Maradona hired as Argentine coach
nuff said
4) August 2008-present
Maradona opens mouth…persistently. He has the maturity level
of that useless girl from the opening passage. Maradona is persistently
paranoid that the entire world considers him a complete moron. As it so
happens, he is correct.
4) Sunday—
Three “mini-brawls” break out during Argentina-Mexico match
5) Wednesday—
Bastian Schweinsteiger says Argentines have “no class” and are “dirty, disrespectful players”.
6) Thursday to Today
Teams continue to swap barbs in the press. Film is released showing Joachim Löw picking his nose during the England match and apparently eating whatever the hell he extracted. That has nothing to do with the bad blood between these teams. I just had to mention that. Fills me with dread.
Four years ago, the positions of these teams were almost
completely reversed. Argentina was a fairly young unproven squad and one just
fancied the more experienced Germans in spite of the talent deficit.
Today there is no question that these superstar Argentines
are heavy favorites. One foresees a thin and young German side is due for
another hiccup. In a certain way, so long as we have a clean and
uncontroversial game, we are all winners. In another less Sesame Street way, I
want to see my Jungs make Maradona cry!
Prepared for the worst, ein Deutscher bis zum bitteren
Ende!
Projected Lineups:
“Mannschaft”
1) Manuel Neuer
2) Jerome Boateng
3) Arne Friedrich
4) Phillip Lahm
5) Per Mertesacker
6) Sami Khedira
7) Mesut Özil
8) Bastian Schweinsteiger
9) Thomas Müller
10) Lucas Podolski
11) Miroslav Klose
“La Albicelesta”
1) Sergio Romero
2) Walter Samuel
3) Martin Demichelis
4) Gabriel Heinze
5) Jonas Gutierrez
6) Javier Mascherano
7) Gonzalo Higuain
8) Diego Milito
9) Maxi Rodriguez
10) Carlos Tevez
11) Lionel Messi
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— 2 to 1
In-game brawl—3 to 1
Post-game brawl—2 to 1
Klose brace – 3 to 1
Klose hat trick—4 to 1
Müller brace—3 to 1
Podolski brace –4 to 1
Podolski from outside the 18 – 3 to 1
Özil from outside the 18—2 to 1
Mario Gomez Substitution (75+) 2 to 1
Stefan Kießling Substitution (85+) 2 to 1
Holger Badstuber start – 3 to 1
Neuer howler –3 to 1
Schweinsteiger booking—2 to 1
Schweinsteiger straight red—3 to 1
Boateng booking—3 to 1
Messi brace –4 to 1
Messi hat trick—5 to 1
Mascherano brace—4 to 1
Tevez brace—3 to 1
Tevez hat trick—4 to 1
Mascherano on set piece – 2 to 1
Milito from outside the 18 –3 to 1
Maxi Rodriguez from outside the 18—2 to 1
Sergio Aguero substitution (70+) –3 to 1
Demichelis straight red—4 to 1
Heinze straight red—3 to 1
THE
LINE: Mannschaft +1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Germany 4, Argentina 0. Shocked. Completely floored. Nonplussed. Hehehe. That
one came out the GRE region. Yes, I’m absolutely guilty of occasionally
accessing that region for no good reason whatsoever. In any event, I did not
see this coming. Not by a mile. This ran contrary to every last intuition,
everything I had read, every diagram I drew up on the infamous chalkboard my
parents gave me when I could barely write cursive. Unbelievable. Two years
later, I still have no cogent explanation. How could a squad so talent-laden be
so thoroughly dominated? No clue. They were only able to look like a
threatening squad for an interval of five minutes. (From the 61st to
the 66th) The Mannschaft (much to my chagrin, AGAIN dressed in
black) controlled the remaining 85+.
Müller
headed in a free kick from Schweinsteiger in the 3rd minute.
Mascherano, Demechelis, and Burdisso were running with such a languid pace that
they might as well have been carrying Nordic walking poles. Sergio Romero
didn’t even attempt to get in front of the ball, instead giving it an “ole” as
if it were a charging Toro. The next twenty minutes consisted solely of Özil,
Poldi, and Müller attempting to give Klose the perfect square. No Argentine
response. The only effort produced by La Albicelste that could even approach the
remote suburbs of the already far-flung neighborhoods of something vaguely
resembling a legitimate scoring chance was Angel Di Maria’s 30-yard-shot, which
sailed a comfortable ten feet wide.
Maradona
kept his lineup card pristine, with no second half adjustments. He had clearly
indicated to Maxi Rodriguez, Mascherano, and Heinze that they might
aggressively move forward more, but it yielded nothing. Messi hit one well over
and Di Maria sent another one towards the girl in the second row he must have
fancied. Pouring bodies forward would not effectuate any positives. It
certainly produced consequences. Poldi tore up the left flank left virtually
unguarded by Maxi. As Otemendi and Demichelis closed ranks to block what anyone
would have anticipated was to be a shot, he shuffled it over to Klose, who in
space had time to take both a pop and steady touch before punching in a 68th
minute goal.
Maradona
responded by subbing out Otemendi. His stand-in? Twenty-year-old Palermo
midfielder Javier Pastore, making his official debut for the national side
after having never even earned a cap in the tournament exhibition stage. Pardon
me one second. WHAT? What the reverberating fuck?!? On the bench you’ve got
Diego Milito, Juan Sebastian Veron, Sergio Aguero, Martin Palermo, and Jonas
Gutierrez. WHAT? Now you want to make sure everyone has played. WHAT?
Maradona’s
move, intentional or no, looked like a resigned capitulation. Sensing blood in
the water, the Germans scored two more in the final twenty minutes. Schweine picked
off the young midfielder within four minutes of his introduction and ran it all
the way back before setting up Müller for the third goal in the 74th.
Schweine again capitalized on some green dribbling from the youngster, arced
upfield for Özil, who then supplied Klose with a cross for the brace and a 4-0
result in the 89th. I don’t understand. Maradona must have had some
reason for this. He may be impetuous, but he’s not retarded.
I
don’t get it. Maybe he watched too many of those sports movies where the guy
who’s been on the bench all season because he can’t catch the football/can’t
stop on skates/can’t hit the curveball/can’t shoot from three point range/can’t
keep his shot down/what the fuck ever….the guy who finally overcomes his fears
and makes the crucial play in the crucial game after everyone has written him
off through an impassioned plea to the coach, “This time I’m ready, coach. Put
me in. I’ll catch it/stop on a dime/hit the home-run/make that three/won’t hit
it over the crossbar. Christ.
Presumably,
we’ll look forward to someday reading about Maradona interrupting a wedding to
reclaim his beloved/yelling at a drunken cop “You used to be THE BEST, MAN” in
a highly successful motivational speech/shooting some bad guy in the back after
the guy on the ground runs out of ammo and is convinced that the shot cam from
the bad guy who Maradona just shot in the back/stabbing a pen-knife into a sack
of white powder, raising a sample of said powder to his tongue, licking it and
announcing “Yep. It’s cocaine alright.”.
Fuck
me. I still don’t know what
happened.
Spain vs. Paraguay
vs. 
Quite the doubleheader at my place tomorrow. I wonder how sober I’ll be for this one. Hopefully lucid enough to appreciate how marvelous Paraguay will make Spain during this one. Spain is quite notorious for phoning in sickeningly awful Cup matches at the most critical moments, but I don’t believe in such superstitious nonsense. La Roja have the vastly superior side. Aragones is nowhere near the pitch. Paraguay does not belong here. I can always detect the smell of a slaughter. Here we should have a veritable mountain Schlachtfest.
Quick Aside: Must announcers perpetually mention, “Over 30
percent of Paraguayans live in destitution”. Is that all we can figure out to
say about this country? I suppose everyone in Ghana has a heated golden latrine
or that everyone in Argentina is the son/daughter of a doctor!
Projected Lineups:
“La Roja”
1) Iker Casillas
2) Carlos Puyol
3) Gerard Pique
4) Joan Capdevilla
5) Sergio Ramos
6) Xavi Alonso
7) Cesc Fabregas
8) Xavi
9) David Villa
10) Fernando Torres
11) Andres Iniesta
“La Albiroja”
1) Justo Villar
2) Antonin Alcatraz
3) Paulo da Silva
4) Claudio Morel Rodriguez
5) Christian Riveros
6) Christian Riveros
7) Victor Cacera
8) Nelson Valdez
9) Enrique Vera
10) Roque Santa Cruz
11) Lucas Barrios
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes --- 3 to 1
Penalty shootout --- 5 to 1
Villa brace –2 to 1
Villa hat trick—3 to 1
Iniesta brace – 3 to 1
Iniesta hat trick –4 to 1
Puyol straight red—4 to 1
Xavi crushes set piece – 3 to 1
Xavi Alonso brace—3 to 1
Busquets start---3 to 1
Llorente substitution (65+)—2 to 1
Llorente glancing header goal –3 to 1
Torres injury aggravation—2 to 1
THE
LINE: Spain +1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Spain 1, Paraguay 0. A tight win, but they deserved it. Paraguayan coach
Gerardo Martino made some truly perplexing lineup changes, leaving both Santa
Cruz and Barrios off. Evidently, the Argentine was insistent upon perfection,
even if it meant shelving his sacred cows. He tried in vain to bring them on
later on, after David Villa powered in a pinball-like goal in an anomalous
match that featured two penalty misses.
Xavi
and Villa provided apt entertainment with decent distance efforts in the first
half. Villa found the top netting after a remarkable effort off a volley while
Xavi demonstrated similar stirring application to direct his own volley in on
goal from twenty yards. On the other side, Nelson Valdez managed to score from
an offside position. Thankfully, the linesmen got it right. He may have been
aided slightly by the Spanish Navy Blue jerseys.
Things
got significantly weirder in the second, with Oscar Cardozo drawing a bullshit
penalty from Gerard Pique in the 58th. Both players were tugging at
one another in an unusual fashion, with replays edging one toward the
conclusion that it was actually Cardozo trying to drag Pique down. After some
discussion, La Albiroja selected Cardozo himself to take the consequent
penalty. Casillas saved the half-hearted spot-kick to his left. La Roja were
awarded a more reasonable penalty one minute later when Antonin Alcaraz shoved
Villa rather callously in the back.
Xavi
Alonso easily beat Villar, but the goal was disallowed after it was revealed
that Torres was guilty of encroaching. Villar guessed correctly on the
subsequent retake and the Paraguayan rushers easily beat the now tentative
Spanish to the rebound.
As if
all of this wasn’t strange enough, the goal that would eventually come still
seems to have manipulated the laws of physics. Hefty Spanish pressure followed.
Fabregas and Iniesta peeled off decent efforts. Iniesta’s in particular was a
real beauty, fisted away by Villar after a dramatic dive. Finally, in the 83rd,
it was Pedro with a stinger that snapped back off the right post. It fell to
Villa, who would find trouble if chose to beat Villar to the left. He thus
opted for right, so far right that it hit the post. The ball sprung off the
right post, playing itself square all the way back to the left post. From there
it rebounded directly onto the goal line, from whence it bounced twice before
recoiling to the back of the net. Weird and wild stuff. Totally deserved. A
huge day for both the Spanish and the Germans, neither one of them in colors
that suited them. Red and Yellow. White and Green. End of discussion.
