Greetings my fellow Kanaan enthusiasts,
When I get older, I will be stronger. They’ll call me freedom, just like a wavin’ flag.
Send Offs
The “Desert Foxes” of Algeria (3 games played, 7 Hot Girls)
The tears shed by Algerian fans were certainly very moving. It’s not merely that this country qualified for the first time in 24 years, but how brutal the road here was. Tensions ran high as the foxes had to fend off their North African rivals (The Egyptian Pharaohs). A controversial two-game played sparked intense riots, diplomatic crises, and an overall scary few months after the Algerians stole the unexpected win. The controversy was not given as much press France-Ireland, even though there were lives lost LL So much ugliness in football sometimes. L As much as I feel for the Algerians, it is fitting that this team exits without a goal or a highlight.
The “Generic Slavs” of Slovenia (3 games played, 7 Hot
Girls) 
This team is too young to have a nickname yet, so I’ve taken the liberty of assigning them one. All in all a decent performance from this infinitesimally small country, who spared us all a Russia-England-U.S. Group of Death. A country of two million rurals, this was our tournament’s Shetland pony. They certainly gave us a better show than last tournament’s dwarf (Trinidad and Tobago). Being eliminated via a win and a draw seems a mite harsh, but they blew more chances than anyone else. Your 6-second highlight comes courtesy of what a appears to be an overly-medicated Tim Howard:
The “White Eagles” of Serbia (3 games played, 11 Hot
Girls ) 
Quite the drama as we awaited the final whistle today. The Serbs, much like Lara Baldesarra, ultimately put up a coquette façade. Sorry about the two French words in a row L I have been gifted an opportunity to gloat over the Serbs undeserved victory! Fuck you, you primitive Balkan fucks! Advancement belongs to countries that decided to consolidate BEFORE the invention of the telephone! Right. Now that I have that out of my system, I’ll congratulate the Serbs on jettisoning Montenegro and surprising us all with some fairly decent football. Come on over to the EU whenever you’re ready. Meanwhile, do enjoy your special moment, produced at my expense:
The “Socceroos” of Australia (3 games played, 24 Hot
Girls) 
I love it when my upset special puts a lobster dinner on the Friday night menu. Thank you so much Aussies, for your “Bush Pride”. I have great respect for “Bush Pride”. I wouldn’t mind seeing a college coed or two who still believes in “Bush Pride.” JJJ On a more serious note, you absolutely did not deserve to be run over by a German Panzer. For that matter, you absolutely did not deserve to be cheated by floppin wop Totti in 2006. I’ll miss your hot girls. I’ll miss the Kaiserslautern “Kick Ass” spirit of Timmy Cahill, I’ll miss amazing plays like this from Holman
Thursday
Paraguay vs. New Zealand
vs. 
With beer guts exposed and shirts a-twirling, the Kiwis have put on an exhibition of the whitest Petey Pablo Remix ever seen. With play-by-play announcers ever-more desperate to reference something about New Zealand other than “Lord of the Rings” or “Flight of the Concords”, I commission someone to get on You-tube and splice footage of shirtless New Zealanders with the 2001 hit “Raise up”. Shouldn’t be too hard. I’d take care of it myself, but wouldn’t be able to do the audio edit justice:
“This one’s for NEW ZEALAND. C’mon and raise up! Take your
shirt, switch it round ya head, spin it like a helicopter.”
Here’s your raw footage:
I thank you in advance, cuz if we don’t stand for something,
we’re bound to fall for anything at all…whatever the hell that means.
Perhaps once Petey gets out of Riker’s Island, this could be
the start of a comeback. You’re welcome
Another Kiwi draw? This has got to stop sometime. First
place in the group is on the line, and I trust the White and Red to claim their
just rewards.
THE
LINE: Paraguay + 1 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Paraguay 0, New Zealand 0. Zzzzz…hrumph. Well, what can one say about a match
that featured a whole FOUR shots on goal and TWO measly corners. This one was
awful. Roque Santa Cruz was voted “man-of-the-match” by virtue of the fact that
he was the only one not on a morphine drip.
Slovakia vs. Italy
vs. 
This should finally be the breakthrough game for the Azzuri. I will do….before I wager on a team coached by a man named Weiss again.
From the dailies:
“Vladimir Weiss, consider yourself disowned. Poor
clearances, timid tempo, and a clumsy touch all afternoon! You completely
disgraced your own father on father’s day!! Oh shit. I forgot to call my
father. Ooops. Well, “Vatertag” isn’t really a recognized holiday in Germany
anyway…is it? They just happen to have a word for it………….Verfickte
Überscheiße!! Tud mir Leid, Vatti. LL “
Shame about the wops winning big, as I had just perfected my
seduction strategy:
From the dailies:
“So many sullen Italian girls in the audience today LL
Che peccatto pollastretta! L L
All of these lonely, melancholy Italian beauties brushing their lovely dark
hair away from their piercing dark eyes so as to place a delicate finger on a
dour check and exclaim to the heavens “Trageda!!” I know, I know, my little despairing
pricipessa. Fa tanto male, più che puoi immaginarti! Please don’t give up hope
my sweet alluring darlings. Andrà tutto per il meglio!
British play-by-play announcer Ian Darke was certainly doing
his best to sell us their suffering. I count five times that the camera focused
in on a group of despondent Italian stunners and Darke practically pleaded with
us:
“I say, it doesn’t look as if these lasses are very chirpy
this afternoon.”
Gentlemen, our mission is clear! We must come to the rescue
of these poor forlorn Italian hotties. We must take them back to our place,
light a few well-placed candles, open that bottle of Vercelli Nebbiolo we’ve
been saving and put Eros Ramazotti on the stereo. As the light from the
candles’ fades, the wine takes its semi-spiritual effect, and Eros launches
into “Musica e”, we must tenderly caress these depressed divas and softly
whisper in their ear that, yes, the Azzuri will qualify for the round of 16!
And you wonder why I root for Italy to lose!”
THE
LINE: Italy + 2 Goals
FINAL
GROUP STANDINGS (2 to 1 Odds)
1)
Paraguay
2) Italy
3) New
Zealand
4)
Slovakia
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Slovakia 3, Italy 2. Down went the world champions…in the dramatic of fashions.
Needing only a draw to secure passage to the next round, Lippi and the boys
suddenly exploded onto the scene with two goals in the final eight minutes.
Nevertheless it was the last-gasp heroics of Robert Vittek that would cancel
out their amazing late surge, sinking the cruise ship like…..nevermind…too
soon.
Buffon
was ruled out. Ditto Andrei Pirlo. Lippi could coordinate little beyond
starting Gattusso and Di Natale in support of lone striker Iaquinta. Not the
most tenacious formation, and he was forced too bring on an unfit Pirlo and
untested Quagliarella. De Rossi’s disastrous tournament continued when he
attempted to pass a ball out of the back in the 25th minute. He
passed the ball directly to FCK frontman Eric Jendrisek, who in turn teed up
Vittek for the opening goal. Such an amateurish lapse in concentration was
unbefitting of the Roma backstop. Slovakia were ahead on the sloppiest of
turnovers.
Jendrisek
and Vittek took charge for the remainder of the half, stinging the palms of
backup keeper Federico Marchetti on at least three more occasions. The Azzuri
simply couldn’t organize themselves, claiming less than a third of the
possession. Despite the introduction of an additional striker and more
offensive-minded defenseman at the half, the dearth of ideas continued. Di
Natale, Iaquinta, Pepe, and Cannavaro could only manage feeble finishes well
wide of the mark. In the 56th, Lippi had little choice but to
interject a still-hobbling Pirlo into the mix, hoping that the talismanic
striker could spark something in spite of his injury. No such revival was
forthcoming. Slovak captain Marek Hamsik squared in a ball toward Marchetti in
the 73rd and Vittek won the subsequent 50-50 to grab a brace.
Another eight minutes past and it seemed impossible that the Azzurri could
overcome a two-goal deficit.
Then,
of course, things got madly interesting. Iaquinta’s sublime back-heel set up
Fabio Quagliarella. Keeper Jan Muncha beat back the effort, but only as far as
Di Natale, who stroked the ball into the back of the net. Eighty-one minutes
gone and the Azzuri needed but one more. They appeared to have gotten it two
minutes later when Quagliarella knocked in a chip from Iaquinta. The flag had
been raised and it would not count. Replays confirmed that he was offside….by
about a centimeter. The two-goal lead was restored in the 89th ,
when Kopunek beat Marchetti to a long throw. Quagliarella refused to give in.
He blasted a comet past Mucha for 92nd minute goal, restoring hope
one final time. Unfortunately, after the kick-off, the referee merely had to
glance at his watch to call this one finished.
Quagiarella
could not help break down in tears, and this bookie couldn’t help but feel for
him. He had almost single-handedly picked the entire squad up and carried them
on his shoulders for the final push. Had he exercised a millisecond’s more
patience in the 83rd, he would have had a brace and the country
would not be headed home. Truly one of the gutsier performances ever turned in
by a footballer of any nationality. Cannavaro picked him up off the deck and
shielded him from the multitude of cameras eager to beam his emotional meltdown
across the globe. Who says the Italians are nothing more than a bunch of
cheaters? Er…I did..on 883,942 separate occasions. Time to eat my words just
this once. Credit where it’s due. Sensational heart from the Juventus man.
Cameroon vs. Netherlands
vs. 
It's the farewell game for the Indomitable Lions. The Dutch need to do just enough, so don’t expect anything too sexy. The words “Dutch” and “sex” provide me the perfect excuse to re-cycle my observations on the live sex acts in Amsterdam:
From the dailies:
Our beloved “Orange Crush” continues the strategy of
churning out wins more hideous than Gerd Wilder’s hair, frustrating all of us
who touted their talent. For cryin out loud, this is as disappointing as the
live sex acts in Amsterdam! You grab your seat and excitedly check out the
sightlines. You sip your beverage in fervent anticipation. It begins! Wow.
Interesting what she can do with that candle. Nice tricycle from Dirk Kuyt.
Massive Attack is always a good choice of music. Nigel de Jong exhibiting some
nice midfield movement. Time passes. In the fifteenth minute you let out a
yawn. In the twentieth minute you order another drink. Finally, between the 25th
and 32nd minute, you glance at your watch and wonder what the
monkeys at the zoo are up to. Eerie how parallel the timing is. Anyone want to
go to the zoo? If the monkeys aren’t in the mood, there are always the
tortoises!
THE
LINE: Netherlands +1
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Netherlands 2, Cameroon 1. Robben returned to great fanfare in a largely
meaningless match that turned out to be eminently entertaining. Lille
midfielder Aurelien Chedjou was spellbinding throughout, putting on a clinic in
fancy footwork. His athletic and artistic twists and turns enabled him to throw
a very attractive dart on Steklenburg in the 3rd. He would work
sharp cuts against the back line all night long, threading in passes for Eto’o,
Aboubakar, and Choupo-Moting to place on frame.
Indomitable
Lions keeper Souleymanou Hamidou wasn’t half bad either. He showed great
discipline in remaining square to van Persie when Giovanni van Bronckhorst
hooked him up with a long-distance service, taking the ultimate shot directly
in the chest and hanging on. There was little he could do, however, when Kuyt
and Van der Vaart drew away most of the Cameroonian defense with a sequence of
passes on the right flank in the 36th, leaving Van Persie all alone
to finish the eventual pass. A draw seemed plausible after Eto’o converted a
penalty in the 69th. This turn it was Van der Vaart whistled for
what felt like the tournament’s 3,423rd handball in the box. Seven
minutes from time Robben let a 35-yarder fly and the ball thumped off the post
directly into the path of Klaus Jan Huntelaar. A rather unfortunate bounce for
the Indomitable Lions, who had played well enough to bow out on a more positive
note.
Denmark vs. Japan
vs. 
What a critical match this is! I know where my heart lies, but its tough to envision that Danes blowing this one. Eye Candy fans take note. This one will feature more shots of beautiful dedicated female fans than you are likely to see for the rest of the tournament.
This will be our last opportunity to observe one of these
attractive fan-bases. Accordingly, I will recycle yet more form the dailies.
Did I mention I have a full-time job?
Japan---from the dailies:
Japs, Japs, Japs. We really do need to talk. Where the hell
are you? Half of the seats in that Stadium were empty! This is the World Cup!
I know it may be more cozy to watch the game on a 52-inch
plasma while simultaneously surfing the web on three computer screens, playing
a few seizure-inducing video-games on your PS3, and watching anime involving
precocious schoolgirls and/or tentacles on WOWOW-TV, but C’mon!! Your team
needs you! Those pupils are looking awfully dilated and you can probably use
some fresh air. Put down the manga and come get drunk with us. Hell, you can
sing all the karaoke you want! I want three JAL Jumbo-Jets packed full of
smoking hot “Perfect 10” Japanese girls headed for Johannesburg immediately.
No? Well, how about a prop-plane full of “6.5”s sent directly to me?
Denmark--From the dailies:
The Danes proved they are taking this seriously, bringing
every stereotypical tall Nordic blonde along for the ride. People of Denmark! I
apologize for every pun I ever used to mock your country. Dürfen wir noch
Freunde sein? JJJJ
THE
LINE: Pick em’
GENTLEMEN, ENTER YOUR WAGERS
FINAL
GROUP STANDINGS (3 to 1 Odds):
1) Dutch
2) Danes
3) Japs
4) Lions
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Japan 3, Denmark 1. Who could have predicted that the Blue Samurai would
finally get it together? Incredible set-piece prowess enabled them to collect
the upset. The Japs emerged with the upper hand after a quarter of an hour of
play, the best chances coming from Daisuke Matsui and Makoto Hasebe. In the 17th,
it was time to line up for a free kick. CSKA Mocow striker Keisuke Honda earned
himself a contract extension by completely crushing it from 30 yards into the left
corner. He seemed poised to repeat this stunner in the 30th as they
lined up again. Instead, after backing off, it was revealed that Yasuhito Endo
had been chosen to smash it. Did he ever. The curling thunderbolt from the
right outside the 18 left Sorenson looking like a fool.
The
two sides traded goals late in the game. After an uncharacteristic push in the
back from Hasebe, Olsen’s Eleven were awarded a penalty. Kawashima saved
Tomasson’s spot kick to his right, only to have the rebound unluckily bounce
straight back to him. Finally, Honda put a bow on the whole affair with a sweet
cutback for Okazaki in the 87th.
