Ke Nako syndicate members,
I’d like to introduce a new template for dismissing the lesser of our tournament:
Send-offs
Bafana, Bafana (3 games played, 27 Hot Girls)
Desmond Tutu traded in his Anglican headgear for quite possibly the most comical hat ever worn by an Archbishop. The only thing missing from this morning’s helmet ensemble were a couple cans of Keystone DryIceLite and a dangling transparent straw. Bishop Tutu told us that all of South Africa was living in a fairy tale, and for a few fleeting moments during today’s match, it almost looked as if there was something to this whole “faith” thing. Shortly after the restart, Mphela’s bad luck and Parker’s post foreshadowed it wasn’t to be. Malouda’s goal brought us all crashing back to reality. For the first time ever, the hosts will not get out of their group. An exciting game from start to finish! Absolutely no reasons Bafana Nation to hang their heads. South Africa has given a tournament that (in terms of quality games) has already exceeded the last two WMs.
The fears of riots and violence have not even shown the
slightest signs of materializing. The country now has ten new glistening
football venues and workers who stood up (and continue to stand up) for higher
pay in their construction. This team gave us 27 smokin’ girls of every possible
color gradient! The party continues for this country, throughout this month and
the years to come. The most memorable moment, if you’ll pardon my duplication,
will be Tshabalala’s laser that got us all underway:
Good luck lads
Les (sacre) Bleus of France (3 games played, 4 Hot Girls) 
To those who gripe that there is no justice in football, consider the case of French and the Celtic Hex. All over the land of Erin, Irish Pizza Parlors gave away free pies every time the French conceded a goal. Free rounds of Guinness were distributed every time a French player appeared hurt. Henry’s handball, seen by the entire world, necessitated a month worth of shuttle diplomacy, two visits to France by the Taoisech, and even made the agenda of the monthly EU Council Meeting! The Irish offered to replay the match. The French, to their credit, expressed embarrassment about the whole disreputable matter but ultimately deferred to FIFA. Karma has come to decapitate them.
Too late to give the Irish to the place after all? The
French gave us the most repugnantly bland and boring display of football since
the Faroe Islands played San Marino. A team of retarded emus on LSD could have
done a better job. I want those 180 minutes (first two games) of my life back
so I can watch Female soccer. At least then a player might take her shirt off
or get pulled down by her ponytail! This team gave us not one memorable or
entertaining moment in three games. Even their four hot girls were borderline.
I’d have to have a beer or two to remind myself that long vertical faces are
sometimes okay. Since the French gave us no entertaining football, I’ve no
choice but to once again show you a bunch of Korean penguins playing soccer:
Now that’s entertaining!
“Pirate Ship” of Greece (3 games played, 22 Hot Girls) 
Not sure anyone has actually referred to our Aegean brothers by this moniker for some time, but I happen to think it the most grand and utilize it to refer to my co-owners of Greek government bonds as sign of respect. An incredible and improbable comeback for the Greeks! I proudly present to you the astonishing and implausible manner in which they climbed up the “Hot Girl Standings)
Game One—Zero Hot Girls
Game Two—Four Hot Girls
Game Three—Eighteen Hot Girls!
No sense in counting the Hellenes out. While this has been
the worst year for German-Greek relations since the dawn of the Common Era, I
once more salute my mates, whom I am proud to share a common currency. The
worst appears to be over. Greece finds itself under the stewardship of a
capable Prime Minister who can tame the unions and implement sensible
austerity. I formally and publicly announce my intent to move on to the
Spaniards and Portuguese. For our special moment, there is no other choice:
<http://www.metacafe.com/watch/4768201/greece_1_1_nigeria_44_dimitris_salpingidis_world_cup_2010_hq/>
Salpingidis!
“Super Eagles” of Nigeria (3 games played, 12 Hot Girls) 
What a thrilling game this afternoon! Too bad my favorite Green Team could not have played so stunningly earlier L The poor Nigerians had more chances in the waning minutes than I’ve had at career paths L The final 45 minutes gave all viewers a chance to observe the Nigeria I had expected to see. What an enormous loss for all of us. So sad to see a traditional football powerhouse exit so early, particularly one with so many elite players. Guess I’ll be watching you lads when Hoffenheim takes the pitch in September. Our moment belongs to Uche with some excellent legwork off the cross. Keep watching for some Japanese play-by-play:
Wednesday
Slovenia vs. England
vs. 
vs.
Waiting for this team to show up like waiting for Harriet
Harmon to get off a coherent statement during Prime Minister’s Questions.
Something is quite clearly missing from this English squad (and the House of
Commons) and it may very well be time to jump ship. Yes, yes. They need time to
gel as a unit. A long premiership campaign takes a lot out of an all
premiership squad. Still, superstars Gerrard, Lampard, Ashley Cole, Shaun
Wright Phillips, Lennon, Milner, and Carragher are ALL playing as if John Terry
is boning their girlfriends. At the end of the day, England always seems to
find a way. If there is one country that knows how to make it up as they go
along, its this collection Lords, Baronesses, Squires, Liberal Democrats,
Earls, Dukes, Viceroys, Counts, Chancellors of Exchequers and other antiquated,
adorable, and ultimately meaningless titles. They’ve been winging it since the
Magna Carta! Go get em, lads!
The lethargic Three Lions have cost me quite a bit of money,
but I still believe.
Yo, Fabio! You think we could get Crouch in a little sooner?
How about giving Defoe the nod over Heskey and sending Johnson forward on a few
runs
The
Line: England + 2 Goals
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
England 1, Slovenia 0. After trying in vain to get the Rooney-Heskey,
partnership going during the first two matches, Capello started Spurs striker
Jermaine Defoe up front. He also gave Hammer Center Back Mathew Upson a look in
Carragher’s place. Upson proved crucial in orchestrating the game’s first two
chances, setting up Lampard and then Rooney for the first two Lion whiffs at
goal. Defoe scored what proved to be the game winner, taking a Milner cross and
rifling it in off the volley in the 23rd. St. George’s boosters were
out in force in Port Elizabeth, a scant few days after booing their team off
the pitch. They were given plenty to cheer for as the Three Lions took charge
of the match and provided plenty of entertaining chances. Nevertheless, the
afternoon ended on a rueful note as a late U.S. goal robbed them of first place
in their group.
USA vs. Algeria
vs. 
Finally, this game is here! At long last, we no longer have to hear about how “The Soccerball World Series needs four instant replay cameras, six extra officials, more sideline reporters, and a few commercial breaks while we’re at it.” Peace be upon all of us. My ears are bleeding profusely.
Here are some highlights of my U.S. scolding:
“Is this the American way? You get outraged over something
that you could care less about a couple of hours ago? You absolutely must find
an anti-American conspiracy…..everywhere?”
And my dearest wish…..
“We want more Americans!” We want your passion, wit, and
cleverness in the stands with us. We want to sing dueling drinking songs and
exchange sharp derogatory cheers.”
Plus the best insult triggered
“Thank you, kindergarten teacher, for your pedantic verse.
Considering that bad calls affect everyone around the world, your words are
more than trite.”
Not half bad, as obvious as it is that somebody’s really
been studying that GRE Prep-book. At least we’re getting somewhere. For the
4,352nd time, we need witty fans, not angry ones. So, Mr. Scholar, I
apologize for my…er…”impecunious” logic and hope that team reaches the “acme”,
“zenith”, “apogee”, and “fastigium” of its prowess. Looks as if the scholarly contingent of U.S. Soccer is
really upset. Oh well. Thankfully we’ve not seen a “Conservative Milfs Present:
Tea Party Outrage Rallies for the U.S. Team”….yet. All the more reason to hope
for a clean and decisive match.
The U.S. is actually peaking and the officiating should be
loose. While the U.S. Starting Eleven should be allowed free reign to play as
dirty as they like, critical to this game is Bradley’s lineup. Bradley seems to
have figured out Feilhaber should start at left back and Edu should prove a
very hungry replacement for Findley. Gomez deserves a look in the Midfield.
Onyewu must be shelved in favor of Bornstein. Make all the right moves and the
Yanks should not only win the game, but the group as well.
THE
LINE: USA + 3 Goals
FINAL
GROUP STANDINGS (6 to 1 Odds):
1) USA
2)
England
3)
Slovenia
4)
Algeria
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
USA 1, Algeria 0. Altogether Bradley made three changes, bringing in Jonathon
Bornstein at right back, Maurice Edu in central midfield, and Hercules Gomez up
top next to Altidore. Regrettably we couldn’t shake the specter of obscenely
bad officiating. Dempsey turned in a rebound of a Hercules Gomez effort in the
21st, only to have the goal disallowed after the Belgium line judge
incorrectly ruled him offside. Not to be deterred, the U.S. swarmed the danger
area with a flurry of bodies for the rest of half. The final touch was not merely
lacking, it was outright deplorable. Altidore sent the ball soaring into the
eight row on more than one occasion. Gomez and Dempsey also sky-hit fine
opportunities before the stroke of halftime. We were treated to no fewer than
thirty shots of ex-President Clinton in the stands, looking flummoxed.
Ineffectual
finishing continued to dominate the second half. Dempsey sent a tracer well
wide of a wide-open goal in the 52nd. Haliche and Bougherra
continued their fine form, dispossessing Dempsey and substitute Buddle with
über-skilled last-minute tackles. For their part, the Algerians did strike the
wrong side of the bar twice. It was still mostly Uncle Sam pouring forward with
purpose, convincing all onlookers that a breakthrough goal was inevitable.
Ninety
minutes came and went. Entering the first minute of injury time, the U.S. still
had not qualified for the next round. It was decidedly unfair, given the
disallowed goal and the plethora of chances that seemed so agonizingly close.
Oh well. What sort of story would all of this constitute absent some
last-minute heroics? Perhaps they were saving up for the dramatic conclusion?
Damn right they were. Substitutes Beasley and Buddle worked the ball out of the
back toward Donovan, who came blazing down the right flank before springing
Altidore. Altidore squared into the area, where keeper M’Bohi strayed out to
meet it. His clearance was exceptionally poor, leaving a loose-ball for Donovan
to hunt down. The race was on. Donovan toward the ball. M’Bohi off his stomach.
M’bohi couldn’t complete with Donovan’s pace, and he knocked it leisurely into
the empty net. 1-0 USA in the 91st. Justice was served.
Australia vs. Serbia
vs. 
Now comes your chance to take advantage of my Afro-obsession. How can the Krauts earn a victory while still allowing the Ghanaians into the fold? I believe the return of Timmy Cahill will reinvigorate the Socceroos. The Serbs, just to annoy a Slobodan Milosevic being forced to eat Josef Mengle’s excrement in hell, will be “beat again”.
One may rightly accuse me of betting in accordance with my
heart, or even trying to quench a rapacious appetite for revenge after the
inferior Serbs smacked my Mannschaft. Nevertheless, I welcome all bets. The
Kiwis have left me with an unshakeable intuition: Almost-Brits from the Pacific
Rim will fight to the last man.
UPSET
ALERT!!
THE
LINE: Australia + 1 Goal
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Australia 2, Serbia 1. Everything played out perfectly. With Cahill back in the
lineup, the Socceroos were shot out of a cannon. Their aggressive style of play
left plenty of space for Serbian counters, leaving us with a real treat of a
match, free flowing and up-tempo all the way. End-to-end action throughout the
first 45. No goals, but genuinely beautiful football. Both sides were
unrelenting in their pressure, presaging a grand finish for all to enjoy.
Kicking it off was none other than the magical Cahill with a fiercely-contested
header off a Brett Emerton Cross. He dashed directly over to the corner-flag
for his beloved “Kaiserslautern KO” celebration. Four minutes later substitute
Brett Holman elected to try his luck from 45 yards out. His brilliant scorcher
of a shot found the left corner of the net, just past a full-stretch Stojkovic.
2-0 Aussies after a thunderous cracker. The Serbs weren’t finished just yet.
Pantelic pulled one back in the 84th after Schwarzer failed to punch
a Zoran Tosic effort clear. Both sides faced elimination and the fireworks of
the final ten minutes likely led to heart palpitation among both fan bases. The
Serbs needed but one more goal to advance and they desperately threw all they
could in Schwarzer’s direction. Though Schwarzer never got a touch in, there
was no shortage of anxious moments as the disorganized defense left plenty of loose
balls directly in front of goal. A controversial no-call on Cahill’s clear
handball in injury time most certainly should have yielded a penalty for
Radomir Antic’s men. Such a shame that perhaps the tournament’s most
scintillating encounter ended in dispute.
Deutschland vs. Ghana
vs. 
Looks as if the Porsche Engine has been downgraded to Volkswagen status, but I refuse to believe we are suddenly driving an Opel. Die Mannschaft showed flashes of brilliance against Serbia, even down a man. The loss of Klose and likely benching of Podolski are blessings in disguise. They are nothing more than washed up, talismanic figures. This match should afford Cacau and Özil an opportunity to begin writing their own story. Badstuber simply must play better if he wants a starting spot. Kheidira is on the verge of a top-ten goal. KEEP MARIO GOMEZ AS FAR AWAY FROM THE PITCH AS POSSIBLE!
An open letter to Joachim Löw:
Sehr geehrter Herr Löw,
Endlich fühle ich mich bereit, dich auf das Desaster des
KSCs zu verzeihen. Meine Versöhnlichkeit hängt aber noch von dem Ergebnis
morgen ab. Die Mannschaft bleibt die einzige Nationalentität, worauf die
Deutschen sich verlassen können. Einen Verlust schließen wir allen
grundsätzliich aus! Falls die Deutschen (darunter auch meinen beliebten Vater)
ihre Weltmeistershaft nicht weiterhin genießen könnten werde ich dich
persönlich fürs Schuld halten. Ihre nächste Anstellung wird sicherlich der neue
KSC- Trainer sein. Wirdst du noch mal nach Karlsruhe zurückkehren? Gut. Habe
ich schon gewußt.
Bis morgen,
Peter
THE
LINE: Mannschaft + 1 Goal
FINAL
GROUP STANDINGS (6 to 1 odds):
1)
Germany
2) Ghana
3)
Serbia
4)
Australia
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Germany 1, Ghana 0. Löw stuck with the 4-2-3-1, audaciously inserting Cacau as
lead striker. A splendid game of football turned in by both sides, who produced
non-stop offense throughout the proceedings. Before covering the fixture in
greater detail, I must harp on the kit selection for a sentence or two. The
“Black Stars” came out decking in their white kits, while the Germans wore
black. I’ve said a thousand times and feel compelled to press the point.
GERMANS SHOULD NEVER WEAR BLACK. NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!! What the fascist fuck was
the DFB thinking? This is horribly embarrassing for all of us. You can’t trot
out a team that resembles an “Army of Darkness”. WE WEAR WHITE! This is a NEW
pacifist Germany, innocent as driven snow. What sort of message do you think it sends to the world when
you field a team of Oberstürmführer? Nein, Herr Beckenbauer. NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!
(Bit of a Herman Cain impression there for the political junkies
Back
to the match. Cacau and Müller fired the first shots at Kingson inside of three
minutes. Kingson, who had an absolute dream of a game, held on to Cacau’s
rocket tightly and bravely ventured out of net to nab Müller’s cross out of
midair. At the other end, Lahm skillfully cleared an Asamoah Gyan header off
the line in the 10th, while Schweine astutely robbed Kwadoe Asamaoh
of a sure goal in the 13th. Schweine sprung Özil past the last-line
of defense in the 21st, and he had loads of space with only Kingson
to beat. The Wigan keeper confidently and fearlessly ran out to meet him,
defying the odds with a spectacular kick save. Moments later it was Neuer’s
turn to adventurously charge out and cut down a streaking Kwadoe Asamoah.
Despite this moment of brilliance, Kingson was the truly top-notch keeper. His
masterful performance continued with a full-stretch denial of Cacau from
point-blank range.
The
atmosphere was electric and the chances kept coming after the restart. Neuer
saved Gyan with an acrobatic sprawl. Kingson kept racing forward to punch out
any lateral swings attempted by Müller and Schweine. Finally in the 60th,
Müller decided to maintain possession on the right flank and engage in a bit of
dancing. He expertly split through the two Mensahs, and creatively rid himself
of Paintsil before linking up with a wide-open Özil just outside the area.
After taking a touch he slammed a firecracker that left Kingson without a
chance. Kingson would not lie down, however, again denying Cacau, Schweine, and
Khedira from range. The two Asamoahs came close to equalizing twice, but the
final half hour was mostly managed well by Mannschaft possession at the back.
After gaining the lead, the Krauts somehow dictated that the pace must be
slowed, no small task given hour hair-trigger the first hour had been. In the
end, the final whistle blew and both sides advanced. I would have been wholly
discontent had either one of them been forced to stay behind.
