Sisipho Syndicate members,
Four teams remain. All will play twice. All will attain a place. There remains still little to for us to watch; still little to tell; still little to write about. I draw ever nearer to the grand sentimental piece in which I thank everyone for running up my cell phone bill, giving me a month in which sobriety appeared a faint/fading memory, and joining in with the Kraut as we re-discovered this foreign and altogether awkward concept of “national pride”.
Saturday was so jam-packed that I was forced to take my
first “recovery day” in nearly a year and a half. Independence day was no match
for an alcohol-filled feast of German domination, Spanish drama, 47 phone
calls, two impromptu backyard football sessions and waking up inside my car in
a cow pasture with two Thai midgets, a shop-vac, three dirty blenders, a copy
of “Bonfire of the Vanities”, and three new Chinese language tattoos that read
“ass-wipe”, “courageous ass-wipe”, and “will, self-determination, and laughter
are the sources of strength that come from within…..you asswipe.” All
exaggeration aside, I could barely move as the fireworks whistled above my
head. Roughly all I could manage was to sip mineral water and watch 32
backlogged recordings of “Jeopardy!” Nothing profound to say on the subjects of
Shakespeare, Tolstoy, “State Capital Rhyme Time” or “U.S. Presidents/John
Travolta Roles Before and After”. As pertaining to “Potent Potables”, however,
let’s just say I’m glad I don’t drink so much so often.
To the Final Stages of “Africa Shock”:
Send offs
“La Albicelesta” of Argentina (5 games played, 54 Hot
Girls) 
Did not see this one coming. The Argentine people are far
too proud to be sent packing as if they were a bunch of North Koreans! Two days
later, it continues to boggle the mind how a squad this loaded with talent
managed to get effectively neutralized by a bunch of young Hun fullbacks. Neuer
had practically nothing to do all afternoon! He looked like me at the last PBS
Pledge Drive (only with more thumb-twiddling and less rabid whiskey quaffing).
We did not witness true up-tempo Argentine Football. After approximately
seventy minutes of trying to frustrate and slow down the Kraut game, they
simply gave up and seemed to look forward to heading back to farm where they
can keep a few sheep.
It will take some time for Argentine Football to re-claim
its historical glory. Again, Maradona is not to blame. I would rather blame a
Maxi-Rodriguez who appears to be aging faster than Henry VIII post leg-boil. I
also blame a strategy too over-reliant on Messi and Tevez. Though they may be
the two best players in the world, such a one-dimensional thrust is easier to
counter than the bullet points of a Paul Krugman column. Demichelis and Heinze
should go back to Greece and Germany respectively. Argentina may boast the most
European influence of any Latin American state, but let’s not forget that these
are the German war criminals, the disgraced Italian aristocracy, and the human
garbage of Eastern Europe, the Spanish rejects, and the pacifist Jews. The
Kirchners are not progressive leaders, no matter what a clearly deranged Oliver
Stone might have you believe. Take a page from Bolivia and let the indigenous
peoples rise up! No more German presidents, Dutch businessmen, Italian coaches,
and Andorran sweaters! Allow the true Argentinium of the land to shine through
(Fun Fact: Argentinium is Spanish for silver and the precious metals derived
thereof, making Argentina the only country to be named after an element. Neat.
“THE MORE YOU KNOW”…………(The more you can drink away)
“La Albiroja” of Paraguay (5 games played, 40 Hot Girls) 
Argentina and I share a special relationship of shared
genetic heritage and mutual appreciation. The same cannot be said for Paraguay,
a meaningless country of little significance that went far further in this
tournament than I would have liked. I had prior pledged that the Fernando Lugo
pokes were a thing of the past. I must briefly renege on this promise in order
to bid farewell to Paraguay. Here are the highlights from the last eight
months:
“A warm welcome to the Albirroja! Other than this embrace,
and perhaps a lewd reference to Fernando Lugo’s sexual escapes when he was
still a Catholic Priest, I have nothing to say about Paraguay!”
“Again, what is there to say about Paraguay beyond some
sophomoric comments on Fernando Lugo’s Lust for Life? Perhaps I’ll take off all
my clothes, sit in front of the laptop and proceed with one of my patented
‘Nude Brainstorming Sessions’”
“I’m officially retiring all Fernando Lugo puns. Mocking the
Paraguayan president has been an immensely satisfying endeavor. Unfortunately,
the latest wave of church pedophilia scandals has rendered it impossible to
poke fun at a former priest who fathered two children. Mr. Lugo, thanks to recent
headlines, you appear a saint. Farewell, Padre Fernando. J J
Thanks for sticking with consenting adults.”
“You guys have nearly four years to come up with something
more interesting for me. You also have four years to come up with a more
interesting team nickname. Simply describing your colors will not
work…..anymore.”
THE MATCH
Netherlands vs. Uruguay
vs. 
What precisely happened to out Resurgent Latin American World Cup? Just like in Woody Allen’s “Bananas”, you guys have been foiled by a bunch of skinny, neurotic Europhiles. There appears little that can stop the Brilliant Orange Now. Just last week I found myself grousing about what a mundane and prosaic bunch of Flems the Dutch had managed to cobble together for this year’s WM. I believe I compared them to everything from Amsterdam live sex acts to Charlie Rose on Rush Limbaugh’s drugs. Hopefully, the stunning upset of the Brazilians is everything the Dutch need to re-discover their form Ideally, you should be able to switch off the tube after this match feeling like you just left the “Cambodian Happy Endings Spa” rather than just got a lap dance at the “Plaquemine Buffet, Truck Stop, and Titty Bar”.
Keep the clicker handy, as it may be more fun to watch the
PBS Pledge Drive after all. LL L You may yet prefer to tune into a bunch
of droning metrosexuals lobbying you for your money (and obtain a free
“Abortion Yes!!!” Gym Bag and “I respect homosexuals and the environment”
coffee mug) than watch the Dutch leisurely grind out a 1-0 victory with occasional
flair and a bit of luck. I should probably have my head examined for setting
such a high line, but I feel as if the Dutch owe me something. Perhaps Louis
Van Gaal owes me something. He owes me for another season of Bayern, Bayern,
Bayern. He owes me a few declinated adjectives, a few verb tenses, some context
vocabulary, and my misplaced confidence in my German. C’mon, goofy Krauts!!!!If
you want to face the real, Krauts, you are going to have to turn it at least
one remarkable performance!!!!
Projected Lineups:
“Clockwork Orange” 
1) Maarten Stekelenberg
2) Joris Mathisjen
3) John Heitinga
4) Giovanni van Bronckhorst
5) Gregory van der Wiel
6) Mark van Bommel
7) Rafael van der Vaart
8) Robin van Persie
9) Wesley Sneijder
10) Arjen Robben
11) Dirk Kuyt
“Olympic Sky Blue” 
1) Fernando Musiera
2) Martin Caceras
3) Mauricio Victorino
4) Maxi Pereira
5) Diego Perez
6) Ignacio Gonzalez
7) Alvaro Pereira
8) Egidio Alveraro
9) Alvaro Fernandez
10) Edinson Cavani
11) Diego Forlan
Prop Bets (as always, feel free to offer your own):
Over/Under ---4 Goals
120 Minutes— straight up
Penalty Shootout— 2 to 1
Forlan brace—3 to 1
Forlan hat trick---5 to 1
Luis Suarez brace---4 to 1
Diego Lugano from outside the 18—4 to 1
Victorino crushes a set piece—4 to 1
Musiera howler—2 to 1
Cavani brace—5 to 1
Fernandez from outside the 18—3 to 1
Maxi Pereira in extra or injury time—4 to 1
Caceras straight red—4 to 1
Gonzalez substitution (75)+--3 to 1
Robben brace---3 to 1
Van Persie brace—5 to 1
Van der Wiel crushes set piece—6 to 1
Stekelenberg howler---3 to 1
Bouhlarouz substitution (65+)—2 to 1
Van der Vaart substitution (80+)—3 to 1
Kuyt brace---4 to 1
Kuyt Hat Trick—6 to 1
Van Bommel from outside the 18—3 to 1
Van Bronckhorst from outside the 18—4 to 1
Van Bommel crushes set piece----3 to 1
Van Bommel substitution (80+)---2 to 1
Heitinga booking---2 to 1
Heitinga straight red---5 to 1
THE
LINE: Netherlands +1
GENTLEMEN,
ENTER YOUR WAGERS
Editor’s
retroactive notes:
RESULT:
Netherlands 3, Uruguay 2. Not quite as exciting as the final score might
suggest. Plenty of goals despite the outcome never being in any serious doubt.
The Dutch 4-2-3-1 pressured from the onset. Prior to van Bronckhorst’s 18th
minute goal, Kuyt and Robben had enticing opportunities to open things up. Van
Bronckhorst provided the fireworks with a 35-yard stunner that initiated the
blaze. Forlan’s equalizer in the 41st exhibited equal flair. The
30-yard bomb may or may not have taken a slight deflection off of Everton’s
Johnny Heitinga. It had all the panache of a masterstroke in any case. The half
ended with nothing between the two sides…other than a distinct advantage in
possession to the Oranje and a feeling that three semi-strikers backing up van
Persie could easily outclass Forlan and his odd-couple partner Cavani.
La
Celeste began the second half the stronger, but it was only Forlan who could
test Stekelenburg…..and only then after he was awarded a favorable angle. Van
Marwijk’s faith in van der Vaart as a 45th minute substitution
checked out. Minutes after frazzling Musiera, he set up Kuyt, who then found
Sneijder for a 70th minute goal. Sneijder looked to be a step
offside, but his shamelessly smooth finish was so superb that I’m willing to
forgive. Three minutes later Kuyt lobbed in a cross for Robben that the Bayern
München midfielder finish with the kind of fiercely emphatic header we all
dream of scoring with. Two minutes of injury time were announced and Maxi
Pereira made matters closer with a freakishly awesome free kick in the 92nd.
Nice consolation prize. The Dutch were always going through.
